A
female
age
26-29,
*ikeair105
writes:I have this "friend" who I met at work when I was 17, he developed feelings for me whilst working together and I flirted with him a little but he never did anything about it. I have recently been talking to a friend who knows him quite well and he still has feelings for me, but I have now found out that he "hates himself for having feelings for me", I was thinking it was because there's an age gap (about 7 years), but apparently its not just that he generally feels that having feelings (for anyone) is wrong, so much so he has tried to commit suicide in the past.I want to reach out to him to reassure him its ok to have feelings for someone, including me, but our friend says if I talk to him about this it could "tip him over the edge". I can't leave him like this, but I don't know how to approach him about it or even how to contact him directly, I asked our friend to give him my number but she said no. I really want to help him through this, he's a really nice guy and doesn't deserve to feel bad about himself.
View related questions:
at work, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Nikeair105 +, writes (28 December 2020):
Nikeair105 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy friend was getting "professional" help, not because they had any issues with feelings or any inability to do anything but because he couldn't focus on someone trying to hurt him. After using so called "qualified" "professionals" he started to have problems, in which I mean he thought that having feelings for someone was wrong, those so called "professionals" messed him up big time. He has no problem acting on these feelings, as I witnessed first hand, but people have said all sorts of unkind things to him. The so called "professionals" have had a second and third chance to help him but on both occasions he goes round in circles getting nowhere, whilst not having any qualifications myself my Aunt has done counciling for over 20 years.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 December 2020):
 As you are asking this question of a group of strangers, I am assuming you have no qualifications to help your friend, who sounds like he needs professional help. While it is really commendable that you have a good heart and don't want to see him hurting, you are not in a position to offer real help. I suspect, if you were to contact him again, this could do more harm than good because he would probably start having "feelings" for you again and hate himself even more. I would listen to your friend and stay away.
From your brief post, it sounds to me like it is not the feelings he has a problem with but rather his inability to do anything about them. You say you flirted with him but "he never did anything about it". I suspect this is the crux of his problem. He needs his confidence building up so that he is capable of approaching women to whom he feels attracted and building friendships/relationships with them.
I'm sorry you are in this situation and have nothing useful to suggest but I would seriously think long and hard about getting in contact. Hopefully someone else will come along with some ideas of how this could be approached.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2020): What is happening in your life right now?
Are you trying to avoid dealing with something that concerns you directly?
Is there a lack of activity and you're looking for something meaningful to do and feel better about it?
My point is, you may be looking to deal with someone else's problems in order to avoid the unpleasant feelings that arise from having to deal with your own.
This can happen to all of us, but there are some people who are prone to taking care of others and not doing their own "homework". The issue is that it makes you feel good (being a nice person) and it also makes you feel guilty if you don't do anything. And your own life is too much of a responsibility so you look for outlets where your help would be much appreciated.
This man is not your problem and he obviously has some serious issues. It's not just that he's not your problem, you are not qualified to help him. You are not important in his life. You didn't cause this. You're just a circumstance he "used" to manifest his true problems. It could have been anyone else. ANYONE.
So, think about WHY you have this attitude, why you keep thinking you need to do anything? What you need to do is take care of yourself and people you are really responsible for (if you had kids for example, they would really be your responsibility).
...............................
A
female
reader, Nikeair105 +, writes (24 December 2020):
Nikeair105 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has had "professional" help from "qualified" people, it is those supposed "qualified" people that caused him to try and take his own life. They did not give him the help he needed and even caused him to lose his job, he spent two years going round in circles going through the same "treatments" that were only making him worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 December 2020):
 OP, you sound like a nice person but I think your friend is right. Don't think it's YOUR job to "RESCUE" this man. You talking to him and TELLING him what is OK and what is NOT OK is not going to FIX his issue or his suicidal thoughts.
It's not like you telling him ANYTHING will magically FIX what is going on in his head. He needs ACTUAL help. Professional help.
While you have good intentions, they might do more harm than good.
Instead, ASK your friend to suggest he TALKS to someone QUALIFIED about how he feels IF he brings up suicide again.
You are NOT qualified. You are caring, but that won't do much good, I fear.
...............................
|
