A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all happy holidays I just got engaged and now my husband to be is talking babies already.I did mention I don't have the desire of becoming pregnant again even for him.Im feeling like he is not trying to hear anything I say he wants to adopt also but I still don't want to be in that situation anymore.I have three children from old pass relationships and I just can't see this again mentally or physically.He lost one of his children which was a girl and so did I but I have no plans of having another child to fill the emptiness in our lives.I feel like God has heal my broken heart and I just don't wanna have anymore children ever.I love him but having another child I can't see this.What can I say to let him know I am not interested in being pregnant with his child.??
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): Typo correction:
"It is quite unlikely you will bear a child as late as 50."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): P.S.
It is quite unlikely you will beat a child as late as 50. It is also very unlikely you will simply "obey" your husband; and try to have a child when you don't want to. If you cannot bear a child naturally; he's still considering the option of adoption, and it seems there's no getting around it.
Honestly, whether he takes no for an answer or not; he isn't the one who has to carry a child for nine months. The biblical scriptures I used only applies if this man is saved, and also a child of God. He would love and honor you as his wife; and would not make unfair or impossible demands of you.
Frankly, I think he's trying to give himself a means of escape; and maybe he doesn't really want to marry you. It's really odd he's expecting a 50 year-old woman to bear a child; as if she's still in her prime childbearing years. He set the bar pretty high for a mature-lady of 50!
He has set a tough condition for marriage; and he would resent you like Code Warrior says, if you fail to meet it. "No" isn't necessarily a matter of choice here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): Omg wise owl...did you not know the year now is 2020???You want to talk about the bible????We women have come a long way since then.Women are no longer a man's property and can actually decide things independently.The bible has its good points but it was written over two thousand years ago.Women can now inherit.This lady is too old to risk her and the baby's life for a man.She is old the baby more than not will have to major birth defects.Just because this man wants a baby to replace a dead child she should risk death????God gave us smart people who became doctors for a reason.You cannot replace a dead child he needs therapy to get over the loss.This is a textbook example of this.Just no no adoption...because you are too old...no pregancy...so you can stay alive.Reevaluation is needed here.Think hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): The following should have been placed in quotes:
Ephesians 5:22-24
"22 Wives, obey your husbands as you obey the Lord."
"23 The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church people. The church is his body and he saved it."
"24 Wives should obey their husbands in everything, just as the church people obey Christ."
I cannot and will not take credit for words that are not mine. I will not mislead others or misuse the Word of the Lord with the intent of self-righteousness or self-aggrandizement. To only God be the glory.
You are free to dismiss or disagree with all I've said. They are not the opinions, values, or beliefs of this site. I am not ashamed of serving God, or believing in Jesus Christ. Others are free to have their beliefs, as have I.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): This is truly a matter to be discussed and resolved before you're married. He might really hold you to giving him a child; or he may alternatively want to adopt. You seem quite resolute about not having anymore children; so you must both come to a clear understanding about having children, especially at a very mature age. If we were being biblical about this; the scriptures would suggest that you abide with the wishes of your husband.
Ephesians 5:22-24
22 Wives, obey your husbands as you obey the Lord.
23 The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church people. The church is his body and he saved it.
24 Wives should obey their husbands in everything, just as the church people obey Christ.
These are quotes, not my own words. When you make references to God, this is where I go. This kind of suggestion doesn't sit well with the modernized secular mindset; but we Christians know that we obey the Word, and seek understanding by praying for clarity and truth through the Holy Spirit. Youcannotbeserious's suggestion to seek counseling through your pastoral leadership was an excellent one. You are a believer; so seeking spiritual-council in this matter is one we Christians would seek; instead of leaning on our own understanding.
I don't expect unbelievers to appreciate spiritually-based references; but you are a child of God, and you would understand.
God bless and guide you.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 December 2020):
 As you are obviously religious, would it not be a better idea to discuss this issue with your pastoral leader rather than asking a bunch of anonymous strangers on a forum? Sorry if that sounds brutal but this is a MAJOR issue, something which could affect not only your future and that of your husband-to-be but also your existing children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): From my point of view you guys shouldn't have kids my mom got pregnant with me at 42 and now she's almost 70 and I'm mid 20s. Its sad seeing there health start to go down hill and me and my kids won't get as much time with them as my siblings and there kids did. I'm also not close with my siblings because there all almost 50.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2020): Take my word for it, your chance of conceiving at the age you both are is very slim. You can ask a doctor, I am sure he will confirm what I am saying.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2020): So you are fifty and he is sixty two.First off if you can can pregnant at your age it is too risky.Your eggs are way to old and could affect the baby...like you may have a baby with down syndrome .That is so not fair to the baby.No reputable adoption agency worth anything will let you two adopt because of your age.Do you ever plan to retire? Guess not if you have a baby you can work till you die then.Your husband is sure a unrealistic dreamer.My parents had me at about your ages.Hmmm how was my life.Well my parents never went to any of our school stuff because their aches and pains kept them at home.My parents left my sister's wedding at nine pm because of their age could not handle staying up later.As a young teen I got to watch my dad have a stroke and die.No college dreams for me had to quit high school get a job and pay bills at fifteen cause by then mom had cancer.And then I got to watch her die at a young age.If you and your husband have a baby now that is very selfish.Show your husband this comment..He needs to know how much my life sucked because my parents had me too old.Do not do it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2020): WiseOwl Sir, I'm not lying to him about my age we both are old enough to know better I am 50 he is 62 yrs old but we look very young for our ages.We are engaged and he really do want that replacement child that he lost .I lost my daughter also but I don't want another one in her place.By the way nobody know what the Good Lord final words are on childbearing it just might be by the Lord's mercy a healthy child maybe conceived.Who knows
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 December 2020):
 I think you need to think long and hard as to whether getting married is the right decision, or postpone it to give yourself some more thinking space.
You both want completely different things out of life, he wants more kids and you don't. I just feel that if you go ahead and tie the not this is going to lead to resentment and complications further down the line.
He want's to get married and for you to fall pregnant, but you are not interested in being pregnant with his child.
You are not married yet as he is still your husband to be. You still have a chance to not go ahead with this marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2020): You had better be absolutely sure that your marriage to this man isn't conditional on you having or adopting children.
Is he aware you don't want to have more children, or are you keeping it under wraps until you're married?
First of all, I don't see how pregnancy is so much of an issue between a mature couple?
You're over 40, and the risks of childbirth and/or mongolism is higher in women pregnant over 40. If he is considerably younger than you; then it would be unfair to him to deny him the option of having children. Maybe it might be best to end the engagement. It would seem if you have refused, and he insists; he'd come to that decision anyway.
Have you been truthful about your age with this man? Your post seems very familiar! I just don't see a guy pressuring a woman so close to menopause about having children.
I may be wrong, but I suspect you are past menopause; and you can't get pregnant. You may have lied about your age. That being the case, he's thinking you're still childbearing age. If he is also in his 40's, or older; I'd find it difficult to believe he wouldn't realize the reduced likelihood of you getting pregnant. I am aware that by natural means, you can bear children possibly up until you're 48 (rare cases up to 50); but fertility diminishes with age. You have very few viable eggs.
At 40, a woman has a 5% chance of getting pregnant per cycle. By the same token, there is a 40% chance of a miscarriage. If he was aware of these statistics, he might lighten-up.
Maybe you don't want to expose your real age. Otherwise, it seems impractical and illogical to accept a marriage proposal from a man who insists on having children. Especially, when you've made it clear you neither want to get pregnant, or don't wish to adopt any. Why would he insist? He can't force you get pregnant! Over 40, it's iffy or uncertain anyway!
Marrying him would be a grave mistake. To hide your true age and marry someone is a marriage founded on lies and deception. He would likely divorce you, if he realizes you won't or can't have kids! If he is that adamant about having children, that is!
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 December 2020):
 So are you engaged or married?
If you are "only" engaged, I think you need to consider NOT going forward with marriage.
You two want different things. He wants another child, YOU do not.
Also, IF he already KNEW you wanted no more children, why did he propose and why is he still pressuring for another child? If you have already told him MORE than once that you do not want any more children, why do you think anything WE can suggest will make him accept that?
I'm sorry he lost a child, that is a loss beyond measure for many. It does not mean YOU HAVE to give him a child.
Yes, you love him... that doesn't mean you are compatible, OP
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