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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend finds it hard to use condoms because most of the time he loses his erection just after he puts one on. Because of this we tried me going the pill. However, four months ago while on the pill, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I didn't know I was pregnant until I miscarried and I was told by the doctors at the hospital that I shouldn't be using any hormonal contraceptives because of a medical issue I've had all my life. They said the pill may have had a part in the miscarriage though couldn't be entirely sure.My boyfriend and I have spoken about it and we both agree that we don't want to use any kind of inserts like the sponge or diaphragm - they kinda creep us out a little bit. So my question is, does anyone have any idea where we should go from here? I've heard about the natural method but have been warned it's severely unreliable (though my cycle is extremely regualr, down to the hour, if that helps at all...). We are currently not having sex due to lack of contraceptives but obviously this cant go on forever...Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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condom, erection, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): use female condoms.
A
female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (10 August 2008):
 There are many, many, many types of condoms out there. There are condoms that have no spermicide and flavours added if you wanted to go back to oral afterwards, there are condoms that increase sensitivity, and condoms that have ridges and bumps for more pleasure.
I think it is incredibly dangerous advice to suggest someone go to the rhythm method--especially when the adviser admits she got pregnant on that same method. I'm sure accidental children come to be loved and enjoyed, but they are still accidents. If you're trying to avoid pregnancy, checking your ovulation (you should note that the main purpose of those expensive ovulation kits is to help people who are TRYING to get pregnant) will never give you 100% security. Not even the 99% that other birth control gives you.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 August 2008):
 And sorry, but I have to disagree about condoms - ok, they do the job, but for me they so spoil the sex that I'd rather do without (or, at least, keep a v close eye on my fertile times and enjoy free sex the rest of the time). I find condoms really reduce sensitivity, as does my partner, and they smell horrible, and if you wanted to return to having your partner in your mouth afterwards, the spermicide tastes AWFUL and makes your whole mouth burn!!!!!! (erm, speaking from experience!!!!!!)
I'd rather have 14 days of real sex than 28 of plastic sex. I know everyone will say I am wrong for saying this, though, but if you're faithful and monogamous, there aren't any hygiene or disease issues that make condoms important to use, so why use them if you can avoid them?
And on the days when you can't have penetrative vaginal sex, just do something else! ; )
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 August 2008):
Go and buy some ovulation tests. They're a bit expensive, but in your situation, worth it. They will show you when your fertility is rising, when it's at its peak, and when it goes down again. Usually, on a 28 day cycle, you would see a rise in the hormone that stimulates release of the egg at about day 11 or 12. It goes up pretty quick - usually within 24 hours you ovulate. Then it declines over 2-3 days. Remember this:
Day 1- 5 Period. You can have sex, if you ovulate on Day 14.
Days 6-8 Also ok usually.
Day 9 onwards - Be careful, because if he ejaculates inside you on day 9, the sperm CAN live 5 days, and would catch ovulation on Day 14. It's less likely, but possible.
After ovulation: the egg dies quickly if not fertilised, so from when you detect the drop in hormone, wait a couple of days and then you're ok. It usually means you have at least 1.5 weeks of being able to have sex freely, before your next period starts.
And, of course, you can always have sex but without your boyfriend ejaculating inside you. A bit risky if you do it around ovulation, though, as your body is determined to get pregnant - remember that - as is his!
I followed the above method and got pregnant, however! - because I ovulated 5 days earlier than usual, so when I started testing for ovulation, I picked up the end rather than the beginning of the hormone surge.! But my 4-month-old daughter is wonderful in every way, so for me it was a very happy accident : )
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 August 2008):
Go and buy some ovulation tests. They're a bit expensive, but in your situation, worth it. They will show you when your fertility is rising, when it's at its peak, and when it goes down again. Usually, on a 28 day cycle, you would see a rise in the hormone that stimulates release of the egg at about day 11 or 12. It goes up pretty quick - usually within 24 hours you ovulate. Then it declines over 2-3 days. Remember this:
Day 1- 5 Period. You can have sex, if you ovulate on Day 14.
Days 6-8
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): You have received great answers from the "aunts"; for various reason I suggest you keep trying the condom;
Experiment with various ones and as "emily" suggested keep stimulating him whilst putting it on; or maybe you even put it on for him; play around with the various options, try different ways to put it on;
do not stop foreplay, put on the condom and start penetration; continue with more foreplay and try different types of condoms;
Enjoy and have fun!
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Have the coil fitted! I cant take hormonal contraceptives, ive had treatment for abnormal cells of the cervix so had to stop the pill. Ive tried the injection, Implanon implant in the arm, mini pill, ive tried them all. But anything with hormones in really grates my cheese! If you get what i mean. Mood swings, weight gain, insanity! none stop bleeding etc etc. The only thing thats ever worked is the normal coil. Slightly heavier periods, but thats about it! Small price to pay.
No guy ever felt it in there.
Having it fitted is no worse than a smear and having it removed when you do want a family is easy, and you can fall pregnant straight away, unlike other methods.
The withdrawel method is notoriously unreliable!
I also had a miscarriage, i was 16. I have 2 kids of 13 and 11 now. Its very common to lose the first pregnancy, like you i didn't plan or know i was preganant til the miscarriage.
C xxxxxxxx
Other than that i cant suggest anything else.
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (9 August 2008):
I would never recommend the rhythm method as a sole method of contraception. Unless you're willing to not just count days from your cycle but also to take your temperature to suss out the days when you are most fertile, you're bound to make a mistake at some point.
I get that a barrier method like a diaphragm isn't ideal for you, but you might want to at least give the sponge or so a go. You might find that it isn't as unsettling as you think--if you've used tampons before, it isn't such a leap to try it out.
Beyond that, there are two recommendations: first, talk to your doctor about an non-hormonal IUD. Also referred to as the copper coil, it stops pregnancy by agitating the walls of the uterus. There are models that also have hormones, which tend to stop your period totally, but you can get them without. That might solve your no-hormones rule. I've had an IUD (well, I'm on my second now) for the past nine years and I love it.
Second tip is to try again with the condoms. But from now on, don't try to have sex as soon as your boyfriend puts it on. If he allows time for the latex to warm to his body (either through foreplay or by you giving him oral sex), it will feel much more natural once you have sex. That often sorts out the problem with losing an erection post-condom. He should also start wearing condoms when he masturbates--if he doesn't let himself masturbate without, his body will quickly get used to the feel of them.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 August 2008):
Well, you've only got 3 options really when it comes to contraception...
hormones - which you can't have
barriers - like condoms or diaphragms
Or the surgical method - vasectomy etc
Withdrawal and timing it around your cycle have been used successfully but they have also resulted in children, it really is a gamble, and I really wouldn't advise you rely on them.
There are such things as femidoms, which are reverse condoms but I have been told it's a bit like using a plastic bag. Worth a try though
I think your man is just going to have to get used to condoms.
Get him really turned on first and keep stimulating him as he's putting it on. There are different types made from different materials so you may have to experiment, but really that's your only option.
Sorry, I wish there was some other method as I hate the pill / condoms too. Hopefully the male pill will come out soon.
Good Luck!! xx
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