A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am posting this personal information in hopes of getting different perspectives on my current situation.I am a 39 year old married woman. I have been married to my husband for almost a year, with him for 3 years.I found out 6 months into our dating relationship that my husband use to cross dress with his previous wife (who is now deceased). At first, I thought it was just dress up in order to arouse his wife. That was until I saw the extent of the items he had in order to dress up, complete with wig, fake breasts and makeup. I asked him if he did this anymore and he said no. I told him that I'm not able to handle anything kinky like that. He told me the only reason he did it was because his first wife wasn't feminine (she was in a lesbian relationship when she met him) so he use to dress up because he needed the femininity in his life.A month after we were engaged, something kept tugging at me, so I happened to go through his emails. I found out he had joined cross dressing and transgendered sites. I was freaked out and confronted him about it. I told him that I can't marry someone like that since I believe he's gay. He assured me he is not gay, that he loves me and that he will NEVER do it again. So, like an idiot, I believed him.2 days ago, I came home from work and as I pulled in the driveway, something told me things aren't what they appear to be with our relationship, so, I went snooping. I found out that not only did my husband masterbate that morning after I had left for work, but he used a "toy" for backdoor entry. Blood on plastic wrap and a papertowel in the garbage gave it away.So, once again, I go through his computer and check emails and history. This time, it wasn't that he had joined sites, it was much worse than that.He was doing searches in yahoo for sissy boy stuff, looking at men dressed in women's clothes while "receiving" in the backdoor either via another man or "toys". So, again, when he came home from work, I confronted him. At first, he denied it so I reminded him that if I'm asking, then I already know. After I was done screaming (and thankfully, I had taken a xanax to calm me down so I don't throttle him) we talked. See, 7 months after we had started dating, I had to have surgery and my fallopian tube was removed. Due to this surgery, and other problems, my libido has gone from high to vertially zilch. My husband does NOTHING to try to get me in the mood yet complains that I'm never in the mood. He thinks walking by me and grabbing my breast or girating against me is a turn on. Uh, not at my age. I need a little more stimulation than that.We are also trying to get pregnant. I can't get pregnant naturally, so I've been seeing a specialist, going through tests, just had a surgery, need 1 more surgery, more tests and more meds, all in preperation of doing IVF so we can have a child together. So when my husband and I sit down to "discuss" why he's on gay porn sites and doing things that I would attribute to gay men, the first thing out of his mouth was that he never gets any from me. I pointed out to him that this behavior was part of him before I even came into the picture and that i can't be blamed for it he then changed his tune to some other BS story. I don't know, I think I tuned him out. Several hours had passed since I found what I found and the time we had decided to talk about it, that I was sick to my stomach with a migraine and shaking from disbelief. He is denying he is gay or bisexual despite what I think. We are now sleeping in separate beds, I just can't sleep with him, talk to him or interact with him right now. I know this isn't all about me, however, here we are trying to have a baby and he's off doing this. I haven't yet decided if I am going to divorce him. I don't want to make drastic decisions while I'm still angry, but I see no other alternative right now. So my question is (I may have a few).1. Is my husband gay/bisexual?2. Has anybody had this same type of problem with their husband? If so, what did you do about it? 3. Will this type of behavior ever stop? He promised me it would but it's gotten worse since the last time I caught him. Also, please don't think I'm close minded or prejudice about this topic. I have no problem about people cross dressing, nor do I have a problem with people's sexual orientation. What I do have a problem with is the fact that I was married to my husband under false pretenses. In my relationship, I'm the one that should be wearing the dress and he should be wearing the pants. But in this situation, it's not just about cross dressing anymore. It's about the items he's looking at on the internet while he's "getting off".I don't think I'm able to handle this and at this point, ever trust him again. My world as I knew it has been turned upside down. Please help.
View related questions:
breasts, divorce, engaged, gay porn, in the mood, lesbian, libido, married woman, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): Having been thru the same experience as you I was livid, not because of the person he was but because of the lies he told and the deceiving. Had I know in advance that he as this way my response to his proposal would have been different. Instead I was not given the choice, not based on facts. They whole relationship was a lesson learned based on lies. I could not fathom being with someone who could be so deceitful and call it love...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I would like to begin this response with the statement that I am gay, so I know what it is like to struggle with issues of sexuality. Being from a conservative Christian household, I find that my parents never will approve of that fact, just as they cannot understand the possibility of evolution or global warming because they don't experience it every day. But, if your husband is gay, then I do understand what he might be going through.
Your questions aside for the moment, I find it disturbing to hear that you are trying to "catch" your husband doing things that you don't like nor understand and then reprimanding him when he tries to satisfy himself when nothing else works. You need to calm down. I will say it again because it is so very important. You need to calm down. People can have various fetishes. Some people enjoy feet, others pantyhose over their heads, and others enjoy cross-dressing. If your husband is gay, I can understand your frustration, but one's sexuality, especially one of the alternative sexualities can be difficult to deal with. If you scream at him every time he does try to satisfy an urge, then you are causing him more harm than you think.
If he is gay or transgender, you may not be able to satisfy his urges, no matter how much you try or how much he tries to cooperate with you. Stop yelling at him, is my first real point. To be persistently confronting violently and jumping to conclusions over his sexuality will keep him from feeling secure when discussing these things with you, meaning you may never get a solid and true answer. He would need your support more than ever to fully understand what is going on and why he feels that way. That would mean putting yourself in the back seat for a bit, but if you love him as marriage would imply, then it is well worth it. If you want to hear "I'm not gay honey, I'm sorry I went onto those sites and I'll never do it again," and then have him follow with throwing out all those clothes and never looking at those sites ever again, then you are in for a rude awakening.
Now, to your questions. Number One, is he gay?
I can confidently tell you that no one can tell you the answer to that question but him. Though, I find one thing in common with what you had described in your question -- anal sex. The male "g-spot" as it is called is the prostate gland, which can be stimulated from within the rectum. It is quite possible that you have a straight husband, with a fetish for women's clothing, and a desire to be stimulated through the anus. Anal stimulation is not just a gay thing limited to the anatomy and mind-set of gay guys. Gay or straight, men have the same anatomy with the same sensitive areas that can cause pleasure. If he has gotten anger from you in the past about sexually taboo topics, then of course he will explore it in secret. I am not saying that this is all about you screaming too much, but that you need to really listen without judging, something, it seems, you have yet to do. If he married you, there is obviously love there, from both sides. The "kinky" stuff that you say you cannot handle, may not be as weird as you think. I would recommend allowing him to bring out the toys during sex and see what he does and why he does it. You can ask him questions and he can show you a more intimate side. You never know, you might decide that you'd like some if it.
Second question. Sorry, never been married. Never been a woman.
Third question, Will it stop?
The bigger question is, should it stop? You are automatically assuming that what is happening is bad. Until you get a straight answer from your husband, and until you decide to try to understand without judgement, then you can never know the answer to that question. If you love your husband, then you should take the time to get to know him.
So, to recap:
Calm down
Calm down
Anal sex does not automatically equate to homosexuality
Listen
Do not judge
Your husband, and only your husband can tell you about his sexuality
Regarding divorce. You cannot make a reasonable claim for divorce if your husband likes beef and you are a vegetarian and likewise, you cannot make a claim for divorce if your husband is aroused by "alternitive" media. You feel like you were deceived. YOU went "snooping," YOU didn't trust your husband, YOU assumed that he was at fault. You were the one that seemed to break the vows. Listen to your husband, your equal. Understand what he is going through and let him show you what he likes so you can satisfy him where you feel inadequate.
Again, calm down.
...............................
A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (25 May 2009):
Wearing womens clothing doesn't automatically mean he is gay. Yes he could be gay but something else to consider is that maybe he is transgender and wishes he was a woman. That is less common but it happens and if that is the case he has probably felt that way all his life. Yes by sure he should have told you BUT if that is the case he probably hasn't come to terms with it himself yet.
The behaviour stopping would probably only come about by him supressing himself and that wouldn't be good for either of you. As hard as it is to believe he probably never ever wanted to hurt you. You guys have to sort this out though, one way or the other. The only real way I think you can sort it out is for him to seek professional help to sort himself out, and work out exactly who he is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): you have some fantastic answers here and i hope they help you. Maybe what you and your husband need to is to go somewhere wereyou can both voice your thoughts and feelings to see what happens next. Good luck xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Your hb is displaying gay tendencies. I think he was always like that even with his previous wife. Maybe she accepted him that way.
I do not think you have jealously issues. You are rightly hurt and feeling betrayed. Only a person in your shoes know this heartache and pain. You are not dealing his his infidelity with another woman but another male. Can you survive this trauma. I think your headaches are only beginning since he has not admitted to his true sexuality. You need to talk to someone close, perhaps someone who knew him previously.
Looking at porn is one thing, seeking the gay porn is telling you another. It seems as though all signs are that he wants it from men and not you.
The others have given you valuable advise. Some please take with a pinch of salt. i think your woman's intuition kicked in and knew something was wrong in your marriage . you just needed to catch him and now you have.
...............................
A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (21 May 2009):
 my opinion: i think he's gay...it's not normal for a over grown man to want to put on womans clothes and be penetrated from the back...
i would of had a little of a reasonable doubt if he was looking at female porn...he actually has a desire to look at men...just like me or you (we're female)...don't ignore your Godly intuition...these feelings aren't settling with you because you know within your heart and soul that there simply not right.
i noticed that some people are excusing his actions and trying to turn the blame on you...and maybe this is true to the extent of him looking for sexual attention else where...BUT the sexual attention he's looking for is FROM MEN NOT WOMEN!!! HE'S GAY or BISEXUAL!!! PERIOD!!!
yeah most men do go through a phase where there curiousity wonders but they know in there heart what they want and eventually they'll come out the box and be true to theirselves because everyone else can already see the truth...don't waste your time, because he most likely won't stop and it all boils down to this simple fact: are you willing to put up with a man that likes men period...if not you may want to consider divorce, while in the early stages...you've already been cautioned, now if you continue to forgive and accept...you and only you will have to deal with consequences (regret, bitterness, etc)...
yes i've some what experienced this...my ex-husband let men give him blow jobs before we got married and hung out with fags on and off...this was a red flag that i ignored...in the end he was still in relationships with girls...but would always have a friend that seemed to be masculine but you could tell he was gay...case and point...in some instances we're not warned the gayish tendencies are totally hidden...but in mine and yours...we can see it...
best hopes
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (21 May 2009):
Ok, you have several separate issues here all rolled into one problem.
1. The cross dressing / sexuality
2. The lack of sex life with you
3. The fact he looks at porn
We shall go in reverse order....
3. He looks at porn: We'll ignore what type of porn it is. You are angry that he is getting himself off without you. If you type porn into the search bar at the top of the site then you will see this is one of the most common problems in the dating world. Men like porn. It has nothing to do with their girlfreind / wife. They just like it. They like having a quick one to themselves. There is no man in the world that doesn't masturbate because he has a girlfriend / wife.
It's a fact in the same way that they like having a big poo every now and then. Not nice, but unfortunately normal.
There is a tonne of other advice on this site and in the articles section so go have a look.
My thinking is that I really don't want to know about my husband having a poo so I assume it doesn't happen. EXACTLY the same rules apply for everything else. I assume it doesn't happen because it doesn't affect me and I don't want to know.
You cannot put a ban on him relieving himself. He may not be good at turning you on but you have to let him do something.
2. The lack of sex life.
Another common problem.... Men are DIM. They forget what nice things they used to do to girls when they were younger. You have to TELL him what you want from him in order to turn you on. Just wait till he's doing something. Come up behind him and wrap your arms round him and whisper in his ear "I'd find it really sexy if you gave me a nice massage tonight and X and Y and Z.... Then maybe tomorrow if I were to come home and find flowers and a nice hot bath, I might invite you in..." you can fill in the details of what turns you on.
Then let him know you are wearing something sexy under your jeans and let him do his thing. If he thinks you are off sex all together then he is not going to try being romantic.
Make some effort yourself and let him know what he has to do in order to win the prize.
1. The big one. His sexuality.
I do not think he is gay. I think he MIGHT be bi-sexual. But I don't think it's the idea of men that turns him on... just the thought of him being a girl. He had a chance after his ex died to go out and have all the men he wanted. He did not. He chose you. A feminine woman. You say that he likes "being the girl" and having stuff done to him. It sounds like he doesn't actually want it to be MEN who does this. He was happy in his last marriage having a woman do it to him and described himself as a lesbian.
This is more a case of "gender bending" or "trans gender sexuality" ... hit google and do some research.
He loves women. He loves them so much that he wants to be one too.
Yes it was wrong of him not to be open about this. Yes he was wrong to lie and say it would stop. But I think that he actually does love you and want you. He wants a child with you.
Only you know whether you can stay married to a man who likes being a girl. But do some research and have a look online and do some big thinking.
Here is a good article to get you going:
http://www.avitale.com/cdcouples.htm
Talk to him and maybe even get some therapy so there is no drugged up screaming and no tuning out. You have to listen to him and he has to be honest.
At the end of that if you think you can accept it then great. If not then move on and find some one to have that baby with. Then he can move on and find someone to fulfil all his needs too.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Hi I absolutely get your frustration as it seems you have been deceived into marriage and I think you should let your husband know how this situation has made you feel about it (not his behaviour).
Everything your husband is doing does not make him gay or bisexual unless he feels he needs to take it to that level, have you thought about talking to him on a different level to try to get your answers?
You should try to get him to open up to you regarding his preferences and to be honest there are things that you can do as a couple together to satisfy both of you. If you have a low libedo then that is not your fault at all but to be honest I think you do have quite an understanding man to accept that sex is down to more or less nothing, a lot of people would just look to find sex with someone else.
I think that perhaps your are a little jealous of the attention he is paying to cross dressing as oppose to you, alternatively you could seek councelling
...............................
|
