A
male
age
36-40,
*iscovery
writes:Okay, this is going to get a bit long but I have a lot to say and a whole lot more on my mind - been accumulating it for years now afterall ^^”… I would really appreciate anyone who reads this and offers up any similar experiences, advice, or any thoughts on the matter. Really. Huge thanks for anything you can help with!First of all some back story/background info to put things into better perspective.I’m a guy. Currently 24 and a half years old. Fairly attractive, I think. (though on the short side at about 5’5”). On the edge between normal weight and slightly overweight which I am now working on to get back into fit shape – again – but more on that later.As of the time of this post I am and have always been 100% single in every way possible (I think I had a brief *girlfriend* back in grade 2 by name only, but I won’t count that :P). Absolutely zero romantic experience of any kind and hell, if it wasn’t for extensive Google *research*, I probably would have no idea what women even look like beyond what you see on the street :thumbsup:If I had to *try* to briefly summarize myself from a social perspective… Oh boy… I have always been that completely socially awkward, introverted, funny, nice, mature, goof kind of guy who could never fit in with my peers despite always wanting to. I always was that one guy cracking jokes, willing to play around with anyone, want to do everything, but at the same exact time being completely unable to approach or hold any kind of conversation with anyone that doesn’t involve me making them laugh or making a total klutz out of myself (which usually happens whenever I try to be sincere and serious and somehow always end up saying something that the other person doesn’t like, despite having my best intentions in it. Bleh).I’m currently in university and can get along great with anyone while in classes only – literally – because immediately after that I pretty much don’t exist it seems.Back in grade 6 while all my classmates were “growing up” I was endlessly playing soccer and tag with grade 3 kids. In grade 11 while everyone was busy studying and learning to date, I was squaring away in chess, cards, and general immaturity with my grade 7-8 bestest friends. At college 17+ when all my peers were starting to get into serious relationships, I completely nerded away into the online world of teenage video games, discussion forums etc (where I have been very successful and reached numerous community leading/administrative positions but that’s a bit irrelevant).Now, I’m fast approaching 25, have a soso job and about to finish university, still heavily involved in internet life (or lack thereof) but I’m trying to scale it back. I am now seeing many of my peers living completely adult lives, many are headed towards marriage if not already; some even have kids – while here I am thinking what a great thing it would be to learn more about that fabulous world of dating I keep hearing about. Sigh; sometimes I honestly think I have some kind of late development disorder. I don’t know but the years are rolling by and really fast too.Up until I was about 15, I grew up in a strict, conservative (non religious) family. I was always shy and rather socially awkward but it was ok and I made do having a good time with all my younger friends. Then at 15 our family (meaning my parents and then passed onto myself and my younger brother) started completely going south. There was endless yelling, fights, and hate whether real or not. At 17 I somehow got dragged into *moving out* of the family with my dad while my brother got stuck with my mom. Soon after things completely blew up. For the past decade (15-25) I have been unwillingly hopelessly stuck in the middle of a nasty, never-ending divorce case of my parents: involving numerous police incidents, mental institutions, lawyers, courts, and endless very, very ugly words and thoughts constantly flying around. I don’t exactly know why it all happened or when if ever it will end so it’s just something I always have to deal with.My mom and brother don’t even live in this country anymore so it’s just me and my dad still living *together* and we sort of get along. But I can’t really talk to him about anything so I might as well be alone which for all intents and purposes I now am. No relatives, or friends, just me and my computer pretty much as I drift in and out of mild depression and feelings of absolute helplessness.Anyway, I didn’t forget why I came here lol. I didn’t mean to write a biography, just wanted to give some brief (right…) perspective into why I am today what I am (or at least that’s what I think). I’m pretty much a big kid, as far as I’m concerned. And I absolutely hate it _I never did or plan to any drugs, smoking, alcohol etc. Thinking about it, video game related stuff was my *drug* most of the time to help forget about everything in-real-life and slowly pass the years in fake happiness. Well, that only slowed and masked the frustration which has reached a critical point not long ago and I was on the verge of seriously considering suicide. Then I finally looked in the mirror and asked myself what the bloody hell am I allowing to happen to my life and when do I plan to take charge of changing it? It’s not the 1st time I asked myself this and tried to make a change but it’s pretty clear to me that this time I must make it actually work out.I have seriously cut back on gaming, idiotic sleeping schedules, and hiding away in my room. Finally shaved and got a haircut (yes, for me that’s an accomplishment lol). Resumed regular exercising. Started making efforts to regularly go out just anywhere for whatever reason. And am overall feeling enormously better, more confident, and optimistic than I did in years. I am positive I have a real shot now at making friends and meeting some girls once I’m ready to make the plunge. Rawr!That’s all fine and dandy up to this point; which brings me right back into reality and my initial reason for already wasting about half an hour of your time with my epic wallotext =D! That being, I still have absolutely zero experience with women and don’t even know how to begin approaching the topic. Lol… The only thing I now know with certainty is I have had enough BS to last me a lifetime and do not in the slightest want to waste the rest of my “young, adult years” in total isolation. Okay. Really there are three main girl related concerns on my mind here, which I’ll try to address one at a time. I apologize in advance if some of this sounds totally stupid or halfthought. Like I said, for all my good intentions, I was always a social klutz and am a total beginner here. But I really want to change and learn so, please bear with me and try to steer me right instead of being too judgmental :P.1) I currently live on a tiny island in the Caribbean which is still back somewhere in the 20th century at best (at least we have internet and youtube). That doesn’t help things but is not the main problem which is… I’m white and statistically over 95% of the population here is black (rest are either retired or “other”). Please don’t jump the gun here; I grew up here and all my friends and acquaintances have always been dark which I’m 100% comfortable with BUT as far as relationship preferences go, I really don’t see it working out for me – which really, really does not help me _. As far as ladies go, I think that 1week tourists are totally out of all serious consideration. Very thankfully, we have a relatively large, international-level medical/veterinary university here which is attended by students from all over the world but mostly from US/Canada (I’m a part time student there as well though I’m studying business related stuff since anything related to medicine scares the hell out of me lol. Most of my classes are populated by locals as all the foreigners are in medicine which the school is known for – but that’s not a big deal).Hypothetically speaking, I can totally see myself with many of the female students here but the concern I have is exactly that – they’re all students here to very intensively study for 1-2 years tops then eagerly leave this country forever. I’m very uncertain how big of a factor that plays in potentially asking some of them out – it seems doomed to be a temporary fling regardless of how well it goes (which isn’t all bad and something I’ll talk about later down, but let’s stay on this point for now).More and more recently I find myself thinking I’d love to permanently move to a bigger country as well but I don’t think that’s at all realistic within the next few years and I would really rather not wait doing nothing till then (I don’t believe long distance relationships are viable). So I’m quite at a loss what to make of all this and how to proceed.2) Like I said, I’m at step zero at the moment. I totally missed the entire *learning females* period which most normal people get through towards the end of high school or early 20s which I am now not :(. I feel like I want to meet and go out with at least several different women as a principle, before any serious relationship can potentially happen. This isn’t just about sex diversity (though some form of intimacy finally would be pretty fantastic, thank you. There; I said it lol) but more because I want to get to know and experience different kind of girls (personality wise and physically) to better understand what I would or would not like in the long term. So how exactly would I go about starting dating if my mind seems to be set that anything will have to be temporary just because I want to see what else is out there. I’m well aware how lame this probably sounds but yeah… that’s why I need help.3) Kind of related to the above but a slightly different issue. If you even skimmed through my introductory biography, you can probably somewhat understand when I say that at this point in my life I am absolutely not ready or looking forward to settling down with the *right one*.I 100% support and expect full faithfulness, trust, and honesty so that’s not the issue here, but I’m almost terrified that if I somehow meet the perfect girl (hey, I can dream :)) I wouldn’t know what to do with her other than be forced to break off the relationship or put it on hold until I am more ready to take it anywhere further (quite understandably I doubt many women would be happy to be placed into these indefinite circumstances). Pardon my naïve view of the world, but I understand dating as actively seeking out the perfect person you’d want to marry. That’s just the thing; in the near future, I’d like to exclusively date but I’m not trying to find that perfect person I want to marry (or at least I don’t think I am). How does this mental barrier fit into everything? Honestly, I do not understand how all the rest of the world seems to do it so casually all the time since high school. Am I just not ready to start anything yet? Am I just being stupid? Is there such a thing as casual/temporary dating? o.O What I can appreciate and understand is that sometimes things just happen and work out naturally when you’re not planning for or expecting them. Who knows; maybe if I meet my perfect match, everything in my head will just instantly make sense and settle down how it should. But I’m not holding my breath on this and it’s worrying me.I have so many questions, worries, and concerns flying around in my head about all this and I don’t have many if any answers to them. I am completely new to this and don’t really even know when to start or if I should start dating at all given all of my considerations. But I already wasted so much time and I fear if I continue delaying (I’m good at that…) I’ll soon doom myself and irrevocably waste whatever chances I have left.Really, I don’t want to *use* any girls or break any hearts or waste anyone’s time. I just want to finally start towards living a more or less normal life. I’m a nice guy, a huge romantic (in my head at least lol), and really think I can give a lot and make someone (and myself) very happy if I can just figure everything out. I’m just totally inexperienced and clueless about where to begin.Aaaaand… this more or less brings me to the end of everything I have been dreaming to say for all these years. Really, it’s a huge satisfaction and relief to just rant, and rant, and rant about all the things that are bothering me. In retrospect, I wish I’d have thought to seek advice over the internet a lot sooner (because there is no way I could have said even a fraction of this to anyone in real life) but what’s done is done. So if nothing else comes out of this, this fact alone has already made me happy.That said, I am really looking forward and hoping to get all the advice and thoughts I can about all this. Really, absolutely any! (You can even laugh and call me a loser if you want; that’s fine I’ll probably just laugh with you :P). I can really make good use of any outside opinions, advice, comments, similar experiences and anything else related to help mold and makes sense of all my thoughts.Huge thanks for reading this, or skimming, or just coming here for cookies (we all like those =)). It means a lot to me.Cheers ^^ps: and now I do the amazing magic act of disappearing and denying all accusations that I ever wrote any of this =D. Just kidding; I'll definitely try to follow up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015): i'm 27 and I am in the same boat as you are
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 You're welcome! It would be interesting to hear how things go.
*we call them threads
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A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (17 June 2012):
Discovery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me start off by saying a huge thanks to everyone who responded with their thoughts. I really, really appreciate it. It gave me an enormous amount to think about and put everything into a completely new (and better!) perspective. So much so that it’s been on my mind non-stop for days on end and I wanted my thoughts to settle down a bit before I tried responding :P.
I actually drafted up several lengthy responses I was gonna follow up with but ultimately edited them all out to be as short and concise as I could make it lol. Had to remind myself I came here for dating advice and not dramacentral xD. Yay for overthinking things. Ahem; anyways.
I don’t expect anything to change overnight – actually, scratch that, I don’t want anything to change overnight :P – but I’ll continue in the direction of rebuilding my social life and everything that comes with it =o. Really excited for the holidays to end and the fall school term to start – never thought I’d say that lol.
Among other things, will just need to convince myself that expressing interest in girls I like, isn’t a very scary process =o. Thankfully, I have at least two things going for me here: 1) I think most girls are gorgeous so finding one like that is simple 2) I’m quite prone to saying random things to strangers (emphasis on random lol) so starting up some kind of stupid conversation should be easy enough once I dare myself to it. …The hardest part would be actually saying something coherent and then following up in some meaningful way but I’ll figure it out somehow. Deep breaths. Big grin. Hope for the best. Lol
Also, reading over my original essay, some of the things I wrote there were really quite stupid stemming from uncertainty of how to express myself. I’m definitely not interested in running a dating tally or anything. Just want to find one person who I feel is perfect for me. =3 Beyond that; I don’t particularly care who else is out there. Their loss :P.
So I think that’s all I wanted to say for now.
I might update this thread/blog (what do you call this anyway?) in the future with details of how hard I got slapped. Just kidding lol. …I hope =o.
This has been the most beneficial advice I have read in a long time (note to self: I should ask for outside opinions more often)
Thanks again; you all are the best ^.^
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 I'll sum it up: too much thinking.
Quiet your mind.
You cannot spend your life avoiding things that are not actually happening.
Go ask a girl out on a date. She does not need to be the one you are going to propose to and spend the rest of your life with. It's okay. I promise.
Then just enjoy her company. Don't worry about anything but being present with her.
Get back to us after you have done this.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 June 2012):
PS. I perfectly matched the length of your post too, now that's just awesome.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 June 2012):
I usually comment while reading through, so I'll copy and paste the first sentence of the section I am commenting on.
"If I had to *try* to briefly summarize myself from a social perspective… Oh boy… " This entire section tells me that you don't know yourself. You don't know who you are and you don't know what you want. I'm introvert as well. Or used to be anyway, and extremely introvert at that. I never fit in with my peers, not even today when I am by far more outgoing. But the difference between you and me is that I've always known who I was. I never "needed" to fit in, or try to fit in. I knew who I was. And people who know who they are do not have a need to "fit in", they instead have a need to find like-minded people who are like themselves. You never went on a search to find those who were like you, and how could you.. when you do not know who you are. This is also why you don't know how to interact with people. You've been busy trying to be like someone else, instead of being busy figuring out who YOU are.
"I’m currently in university and can get along great with anyone while in classes only – literally – because immediately after that I pretty much don’t exist it seems." You feel like this because you've not developed a strong sense of identity yet. You know who you are in the group of people, you've managed to build up some idea of what role you play in social settings. But after that, on your own, you are again clueless to who you are and what role you play. A person who knows who he is doesn't feel like he doesn't exist just because people aren't currently talking to him.
"Back in grade 6 while all my classmates were “growing up” I was endlessly playing soccer and tag with grade 3 kids."
So you are a late bloomer, who is taking his time developing. This goes hand in hand with what I've previously said. But I want to let you know that there is nothing truly "wrong" about this. Some kids, or people, are slower at developing than others. It doesn't mean they are stupid, or lacking, or can't ever catch up. I was also playing with children 3-4 years younger than me when I was growing up, and include my extreme introversion I didn't develop like other kids, mentally that is. I didn't learn basic interaction. I'm more up to date now, but it can still shine through at times. I think you're like me in this respect: you need to grow and develop and mature mentally. You're still a bit behind your peers, and when they learned how to interact with others you didn't. This is now creating an extra challenge for you, as you need to learn in one year what others maybe needed five years to learn.
"For the past decade (15-25) I have been unwillingly hopelessly stuck in the middle of a nasty, never-ending divorce case of my parents"
This is taking up too much of your energy for you to focus on your own life. You put energy into this family situation, and putting your own life on hold. You probably don't have the energy after dealing with all of this to start dealing on other things in your own life. I've got tons of family issues as well going on, and I know that it delays me in my life. I find it hard to do things effectively, I find it hard to focus completely on other things. I can't fully enjoy everything I do, as things are always at the back of my mind, draining me. Balancing difficult things in your life with your own life progressing is hard. If you take up too much of the difficulties your life can be put on hold, as you can't find the energy or focus. If you don't deal with ANY of the troubles from your family.. well, that would mean you have to cut them off, or remove yourself from the situation more effectively. It'll still drain at you, but not so much.
Let me ask you.. when was the last time you went a week and DIDN'T think about your family and the stress the situation causes you?
Internet life is an escape from reality. When you don't like reality you turn to the online world. It's the same with watching television: you sort of shut off your brain so you can relax and not think about anything that is draining you.
"I never did or plan to any drugs, smoking, alcohol etc. Thinking about it, video game related stuff was my *drug* most of the time to help forget about everything in-real-life "
Ah, yeah. There you even said it yourself, my thoughts exactly.
"Hypothetically speaking, I can totally see myself with many of the female students here "
You're shooting yourself in the foot. You're already saying that a relationship wouldn't work, which is just you giving yourself an excuse to NOT approach the matter. How do you know it wouldn't work? You don't. You are by this saying that you're not going to make these experiences based on your IDEA of what such an experience would be like. Which brings you back to: not having any experience. How are you going to go ahead and get experience when you're actively trying to think of reasons to NOT gain these experiences? It's all good if you don't want such experiences.. but you do want them. So quit telling yourself why you shouldn't. Go do what you want, worry about the rest when that day comes. Don't take sorrows in advance. For all you know you meet a woman who wants to marry you after she's done studying and stays in the country. Or maybe you move with her when you're both done with studies. The world is full of possibilities you know.
"Like I said, I’m at step zero at the moment."
Yeah, you'll want to date several different women and keep an open mind. You're not sure yet what you like and want, and there is only one way to find out, and that is by meeting and talking to and getting to know all sorts of women. That is the ONLY way. Then, once you've figured out your likes and dislikes (through real life experience with both the likes and dislikes, do NOT base this on hypothetical thinking games), try to find a woman who matches you.
How do you go about this when things will be temporarily? By not shooting yourself in the foot like you are doing. Who's saying it'll HAVE to be temporarily? Some people do get lucky and find their perfect partner on the first try. I envy those people. Imagine not having to experience a load of shitty girlfriends or boyfriends, but just meet missis perfect and be blissfully happy. I mean... that's just perfect. If that happens to you you'll be so blissfully happy you wont think twice about wanting to experience relationships with other women. You'll just be so blown away and amazed by her that you'll pop the question and marry her right away. So trust me.. If you meet someone great on first try then all the more power to you. But chances are that you'll NOT meet missis perfect on first try. Which is why the next time you try you need to try a different kind of woman.
Don't do several at once. One at a time. Try to get the BEST each and every time, always upgrade if it didn't work out. If you hit goal on first try then you're lucky. That's like winning the lottery. So don't think that a relationship HAS to be temporarily. Maybe your first relationship lasts a year. Maybe it lasts a month. Maybe it lasts for life. If your ultimate goal is to find a life-mate then always go for that goal. Don't think it'll be temporarily. But don't be afraid to break up if things aren't going good.
"Kind of related to the above but a slightly different issue. If you even skimmed through my introductory biography, you can probably somewhat understand when I say that at this point in my life I am absolutely not ready or looking forward to settling down with the *right one*."
Ah, ok. Well what do you want then? Screwing around and casual sex? Because that's not going to teach you a lot about what sort of woman you want for a wife in the long run, nor is that going to teach you about relationships. But if short term things are what you want, then why did you make temporary relationships with students out to be a negative..? I mean if all you want are short term flings then by all means, your international students are perfect to date.
But.. you'll fall in love, you'll be emotionally connected. And breaking up hurts. Think about this a bit before you say you want short term things.. once you've gotten your heart involved short term things can be very painful. And if you don't have your heart involved, you can't have love. And if you can't have love, what is the point of relationships again? The reason why people date is to find love. And to have a steady sex partner as well, sure, but you can't avoid that people connect as well in the meantime ;)
Being in a relationship means you are giving your heart to someone. Think about that. You could get hurt if you think you are going to not fall for her.. but then you end up falling anyway. You can't control your emotions.
"I 100% support and expect full faithfulness, trust, and honesty so that’s not the issue here, but I’m almost terrified that if I somehow meet the perfect girl"
Ahahaha! Don't worry. You don't have to "pause" the relationship, you'll just take your time and carry on a relationship without proposing, if you aren't ready. Relationships that don't go further can last for decades. Many these days don't even marry at all, they are just together for life. My mom and her boyfriend were together 20 years. He just passed away, and my mother is now a widow of sorts. They never married, but they still had something strong and lasting together.
Relationships don't have to end in marriage if you're not interested in marrying. And, relationships can last and last and stay strong, and a perfect woman can wait, until you are ready to marry her. As long as you're still having fun being together there's no need to end it, or pause it, just because you aren't ready. This is what "taking it slow" means. It means that YOU take as much time as you want, without the pressure of getting married. Go ahead, meet the perfect woman, and then be in a relationship for 10 years and THEN ask her to marry you. That works for tons of people.
"Pardon my naïve view of the world, but I understand dating as actively seeking out the perfect person you’d want to marry. "
Well, for many it is. I'm currently at the stage where I'd like to meet someone I can have a future with. But, just a few years ago, I didn't. I like to state this when I first date someone though, and it's as simple as asking them "What are your goals in dating? Are you looking for marriage or are you looking for someone to have fun with?". Before I was just looking for fun. Women your age might be thinking more about marriage, as they are getting older, but just avoid the ones who are looking for marriage I guess. And state that you're not looking for marriage-material, you're looking for someone you get along with and can have good times with.
In essence though, they aren't that far apart. If you are just looking for fun you're not going to "disqualify" the ones who aren't from the perfect background, perfect job prospects, perfect genes etc. You're looking for fun = you're going for the one who fascinates you the most. Looking for marriage = you're looking for someone who you can see yourself with long term. And that takes longer time to find, requires dating experience, and is more of a nit-picky process. However, someone looking for someone to marry can end up in short term relationships, and someone just looking for fun can end up getting married. So just because you SAY you want one thing, doesn't mean the other can't happen. That's in the hands of faith.
So what you need to do is not over thin it. If it happens it happens, sort of. If it's all good then you wont fight it, it'll just feel natural.
"What I can appreciate and understand is that sometimes things just happen and work out naturally when you’re not planning for or expecting them. "
Ah yeah, exactly! I keep jumping ahead of you and just repeating what you've concluded with yourself. But at least now you see that people agree with you on certain areas.
"Really, I don’t want to *use* any girls or break any hearts or waste anyone’s time."
You wont. Just state loud and clear what it is you want, and cut lose those you meet who clearly want marriage sooner than you are ready for. That's not mean. It's just different goals. If you meet a woman and she tells you she'd like to be married within the next 6 months: she's not for you!
Ah, I reached the end! I like your attitude though, I'll give you that. You made the post possible to read without being scared by the length. You could probably put your writing skills to good use somehow, just a small job-hint. You've got a talent for keeping things lively and interesting.
My final words on all of this, summa summarum: Move out. You need your own place, you are old enough to stand on your own two feet and live separately from your dad. You need the break from your family issues, you need to grow, and you need a private space to bring the ladies. Move out. Things will start to sort themselves out once you do. A very good alternative would be to move to a different country and study there. Widen your horizon. Get in touch with yourself. Going abroad can be expensive, but if you set yourself goals you can reach them. But if that's not probable: just move out.
Amazing how such complex issues can have the simplest of solutions.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Hi There,
First, you might want to check out this article I posted on Dear Cupid:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-relationships-worth-the-risk.html
I see a lot of adult male virgins in my practice who struggle with the same things you do. I even wrote a book about it, and do media interviews on the subject. You can preview the book, CD lectures, as well as check out my radio interviews for free at:
http://www.franktalks.com/the-adult-male-virgin-program/
You are not alone in this struggle, but you are at the age of 25 which is a crisis point for many AMVs (Adult Male Virgins).
I hope that helps and gives you a place to start.
-Frank
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female
reader, flowergirl11  +, writes (13 June 2012):
Okay, well, you're welcoming any advice so I'd thought I'd just comment on a few things that crossed my mind when I read your post.First of all - you're not unique in being your age and single with zero experience. I know at least three men who are in a similar situation to you. For at least two of those men, I can say they have no experience because they are waiting for the 'right' girl, and not just any girl. The other man I'm not so sure of - he's more shy and quiet! Now of these three men, I'd say they were all nice guys - lovely guys in fact. They are very dateable material, just like you seem to be. I think you need to ask yourself this question: Do I want to date ANYBODY, if so then my issue is confidence, or, do I want to date the 'ONE' for me? If so, the issue again could be confidence (as in, you need confidence to meet the one person) but also, you have to consider that maybe you'll have to wait a bit longer for that person.Another thing that crossed my mind. I'm also a bit of a recluse like you (still am, and I have a fiancee and a one year old kid...), and well, the only place you meet other people, for dating or otherwise, is usually outside your front door. Now, I know that's easier said than done, so, use the internet to your advantage. I met my partner on a penpal website, he's from a different country but was studying where I lived at the time, so we met and fell in love. I was 18 when I met him and he was 21, and we both had never had relationships or 'experience'. We thought our relationship was worth it so we continued a long distance relationship and now we've been living together for 2 years almost. My point is: Maybe the woman you want to date, or would enjoy being with is not from the same country as you - since you mentioned you live on a small island, maybe you need to use the internet to 'branch' out to the big wide world. Use what you know to your advantage.Another note: You mentioned some issues you still have with your family and your mom and dads relationship. This clearly is affecting you. I don't think that you're really ready for a relationship if you can't forgive and heal yourself from this trauma, so I think you need to go within and figure out just how you can move past this issue. If you did enter a relationship now, you would carry this guilt and remorse into the relationship and it would affect you, and cause you a lot of grief. I know because I've seen this happen A LOT. If you could get over this and forgive your parents, you might feel more ready for a relationship and one might 'magically' appear. Now, I think the main issue is loneliness. I think if you fulfilled this another way by joining a nearby group or club, or something of this kind, you may even meet potential dating partners. Or you may not. But you will help yourself by getting out and meeting others. It will help your confidence, which in turn will help your self esteem - and these two things are naturally attractive.Hope it helps a bit!
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female
reader, Confused_123 +, writes (13 June 2012):
Hey! Okay, I read most of it and skimmed other bits and you seem lovely, so I'm going to reply; I hope this is helpful and stuff. ^_^Okay, firstly, from your description, you shouldn't find it that hard to find someone (I may be biased, being a kinda nerdy myself, mind). You obviously want someone simular to yourself, so my advice is to stop over-thinking so much. It's fine to want to get out there and also fine to want to find someone to be with in the long-run to marry etc. I appreciate you may not have high confidence, so if asking a girl out in person is out of the question, you can always try internet dating? It also sounds as though your location is a problem. While a lot of girls may seem to be studying for a few years and then going, when trying to get some kind of dating experience, this isn't important. Dating is tough; it's not hugely easy to find someone to you're likely to want to date for years anyway. I think it'd be best to get out there, date some girls casually and that, at the very least, will boost your confidence. Essentially, the issue with asking people out generally usually isn't what to say, it's the that fear of rejection and if you get past that, it's really just going up to a girl and saying, "Hey, you're pretty, can I have your number?" they say yes and bam, you have a date. They say no and at least you can say you tried; it's important not to take it personally; remember, there are 100's of reasons why someone could say no, many of which will having nothing to do with the person asking for the question. If you don't want to be direct you can use facebook, or even just try chatting to girls if you're not ready to dive in, yet.Your mental barrier only exists because you think it does. Believe me, at 25, there is NOTHING stopping you from dating women. Cliche' as it sounds, you just need to relax around girls and remember that some of us are not all that different to men; we just want interesting and fun conversations and someone who's nice to hang out with. The more you date, the more your social awkwardness should begin to fade and you'll gain confidence. Life is full of firsts and once they occur they're over and they seem a lot less important; first kisses, first dates, first sexual experiences. You just have to take the risk and go for it. Also, eveyone's experiences are different and people become ready at different times for different things, so don't beat yourself up about this. For example, where I live (it's a totaly craphole), 18 year old virgins are a pretty rare thing to find. Most people lost theirs a conciderably long time ago, but just because they felt ready then, doesn't mean I shouln't wait until I find someone awesome. It could be effectively be years before I find someone and when I do, anyone who judges me for it isn't worth my time. Anyone who judges you for your lack of relationships is not worth YOUR time. Hope this helped in some way, though it may have just been me giving a load of irrelevant, cliche'd advice. All the same, good luck and just go for it! Life's way to short to hesitate (obviously, not in all situations, sometime's it's definitely a good idea to hesitate, lol) :) Sorry for errors in the writing; I went on a bit and can't be bothered to go back at edit the whole thing.
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