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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Whenever my boyfriend gets wasted he ends up arguing with me and splitting up with me. He apologises the next day and acts like nothing happened. But i hurt for ages after. On sat night, he was downing shots of wine in a game, and it brought a real nasty side out. He was so nasty, when his bloke friends sister said something and referred to me as his girlfriend, he said 'who her, shes not my girlfriend' - and then his mate turned to me and said 'hey maybe we should leave these two alone'(meaning his sister and my boyfriend!) The next morning he was still adament that we were over, kept saying to move my stuff out etc. Then he went on about how horny he was and wouldnt stop groping me, wanting sex. Said 'come on, we have to have sex one last time.' I replied with 'if you just want sex im sure you will find someone else'. To which he replied 'I will, buy seeing is though youre in my bed we may as well have a shag'. I was so hurt, ive been with him 2 years. By the time he left to watch football we had kind of made up - and now he acts like nothing happened. All back to normal, but im still hurting about all that. Was he still half pissed when he woke up - and thats why he was nasty. Or does he actually just stay with me for the sex? I really dont know any more. Please help i love him so much. Sorry such a long post.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): Hi, Just read your threads and sympathize with your situation, the fact that you are financially dependent on this guy is not a good situation for you.
He has a drinking problem, he is addicted to alcohol, and you sound just like every co-dependent girlfriend of an alchoholic I have ever heard from....you need the money so you put up with an unsatisfactory relationship with a man who makes you feel like dog poop most of the time.
He is also addicted to sex and so you love that part and it keeps you hooked in.
Don't count on life being blissful when you get your own place and you own job, the more independent you become from him, the more his alchoholic rants will escalate.
This is a very damaging relatinship for BOTH of you as you are an enaabler of his addictive process,just by being there and putting up with it, he feels able to drink cause you are there to take care of him in his drunkeness...very sick. Get out, save yourself, get some professional counseling to find out why you choose these types of men. He will kill your soul if you stay and then you will be trapped like a bug and feel lower than a bug in a spider's web that is for sure, you already do, you are already stuck by the inconsistent quality of his attention, making excuses for him and hanging on those good times are sure signs that you are sliding backwards down this slippery slope of co-dependency....he needs you and that makes you feel loved, right? Wrong, he makes you feel sick to your stomach am I right?
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 Sorry but I think my answer is still the same. You have now decided he is not so bad after all, but a good man would not have said those things in the first place.
If you read my reply back the first time, i told you i had been in the same situation. Well you are doing exactly the same as i did. You are making excuses up for this guy, because maybe you have had a couple of good days with him. You know deep in your heart its likely to happen again. I am not trying to bully you into leaving him, only you know what its really like living with him, and how much you can take.
But surely you must understand that by your first letter, the reaction you would get, from everyone.
We are here to support people when they have a problem, so of course when a girl or guy write in and explain a situation like yours, most of us will take their side.
If you had written what a lovely guy he is, that would'nt be a problem would it.
But reading between the lines I still think im right and you should leave him.
Sorry
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 it is really sad how u cant see this guy for who he really is. he might have beed bad on saturday night only but the things he said and not being able to apologise and his denial i wouldnt dare blame the alcohol and living arrangement if i were u, i will try and look for the source of his behaviour. if this guy ever loved u bfore i dont think he still does. talk to him ask him why he does what he does, tell him it hurts and makes u feel abused and used, if he really wants this to work he will gladly appreciate ur initiative and work with u. but lets explore all the possibilities but at the end its ur choice.
i used to have this friend of mine who used to like fighting when he was drink he will say jov u remember that dude who did whatever the other day today im going to get drunk for him, he planned all his fights and arguments before hand and after getting drunk he mistreats everyone he had a grudge with even his gf if she did something he didnt like and when he is sober he will deny everything and says he doesnt remember insulting her "it was just alcohol talking honey im sorry if i hurt u it wont happen again" he will say, and like u she forgave him i warned her but she genuinely believed him over me bcos when he was sober he was the quitest, sweetest adorable bf to her. anyway he grew up stopped drinking and now 7yrs later he is a responsible husband to someone else.
anyway not every story has a happy ending, stop making excuses for him, make-up ur mind about this guy, dont u have somewhere u can stay? and clear ur mind? maybe he is adorable when he is sober, but how often is that? he might be taking care of u as u say but i dont think that is what it is to him he might be starting to feel like he owns u as u are fully dependant on him, and after drinking he tells u what his lips were itching to say, but u always dont get it and on saturday when he renounce u he thought this time she will get it but still u didnt.
u need to stand up for urself and be ur own person we dont know what u are really going thru we used the information u give us and work on that, thats why we cant really tell u what to do bcos its ur decision to make.
u dont owe this guy anything but u owe it to urself to make what is right with ur life. if u have no other place to live go to a shelter those people who runs these places are trained to help woman like u who think they cant provide for themselves and will rather stay with a man who doesnt want them as long as there is sex, food and clothing provided.
i gez i told u bfore women abusers know how to spoil u there will spend their very last cent on u after a fight and u will believe he will never disrepect u ever again, they say what ur ears are itching to hear but they can also turn around and make u feel worthless, unfortunately u are the only one who can stop it. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): And to continue my rant, but finishing it off, you need to try to leviate his stress somehow. Open communication is something I stress often. If you think he is a great guy aside from those Saturday night drunkenness, talk to the guy and work things out emotionally. He seems like he can be a great guy, I'm sure, but like I said, no excuse to emotionally abuse you like that. Got to get your point across to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): WELL THEN... [deep deep sigh that made my stomach slither out of my mouth] THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PIECE of information if you had given that in the beginning.
I say, I am not going to answer to a thread next time I feel someone is not giving enough information.
Alrighty, with that said and out of the way, I still think he is a bastard. Though I also think that there are alternatives to resolving this problem.
I mean, with your recent answer, you pretty much already answered yourself. For me, FIRST AND FOREMOST, if I was stressed out THAT MUCH, I would look for an alternative to this mess we're in. SECOND, it is no excuse to 'blame' this problem on anyone but himself. HE TOOK YOU IN, he is paying for all of your stuff. IN SHORT, he is the one who is doing all these things by his own choice alone.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. He could in fact just leave everything. HOWEVER, if he really loved you, he wouldn't even think of getting drunk, avoiding the problems, and catering to the need to 'get away'. HELL, WHAT I WOULD DO IN HIS SITUATION, if my gf cannot work at all, is get a second job.
Often, we choose to put ourselves in those situations. We don't have to. AND SERIOUSLY, to those that say they don't have a choice, total bullcrap. YOU HAVE A 'CHOICE' in everything. Whether you set criteria on your options or not, is a factor in your choices.
For him, HE DOES NOT need to go out, get drunk, then come back and emotionally abuse you. In fact, if things are so bad, he can simply leave you, or get a second job - three, if need be.
It's just not a good excuse to do any of that. I won't, and damn I've had much worst stress and issues than just simply living at home financially down. The worst I did ever to a past companion in situations like that, was not go home at all. I did not want my gf to see me stressed out, balling my eyes out, and pissed angry. Simple as that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses, just wanted to add something. When we first met we had absolutely no problems.life was bliss. something happened and i wasnt able to work, still unable. Been a year now! (im not lazy, i have a job sorted when im able - but until then i cannot earn a living - too much of a long story to explain) Since then iv lost all my independance. My boyfriend is so good cos he supports me. Money is tight. But he doesnt care. He pays for meals buys me tickets to go to xmas do's. Pays for my haircuts etc. however because of this financial strain, we are unable to be in a place of our own. We live with his mother and brother. She vegetates in the lounge every night, so we cant join her, and are limited to our room. We basically live in our one room. watch tv in the room.BLOODY ROOM. So there is little space. just being able to sit in seperate rooms in the same house makes a difference but we cant do that.in eachothers pockets. This has caused a bit of a strain i think. We just cant do anything. But like i say he is good to me, he compliments me all the time every second of the day, tells me how gorgeous i am. He never tells me i cant go out with him, and never says 'im out with the lads'. im always invited. he only goes out on a sat night, so is responsible in that way. but boy does he make up for it with drink, and we end up fighting. my story above is of the fight we had sat night. I think he was very wrong yes, and i cannot believe he managed to say such nasty things. Is our bad living situation not partly to blame. now that iv explained a bit of backround, do you still think hes a pig? Hes done so much for me and supported me, without him i dont know where id be. I should be back working within a few months - and then we will have more of a life - be able to move in together. cook meals together, share bubblebaths etc. Are the odd drunk sat night fights (purely due to alcohol) enough reason to leave him? - when otherwise, hes the nicest person in the world? Oh and he loves sex with me too, not bored there thats for sure...
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female
reader, Nikita +, writes (18 December 2006):
 i feel for you you poor thing. My advice to you? DUMP HIM. He does not deserve you at all. What a complete *******! Sorry but ive been where you are and its not nice at all. I spent so much time crying and trying to change him. What a wasted few years. When i left him eventually it was hard at first but then i felt a million times better. You do not have to put up with this shitty treatment. Alcohol does tend to bring the worst out in some people but its no excuse for being totally nasty like that and groping you and treating you like some sex toy. There are loads of men out there who will treat you better than this but i think for now, you should get out of this relationship cos its doing nothing for your self esteem. You need to go out with your mates and have fun over xmas okay. give yourself a break, love yourself and treat yourself well because you deserve it. good luck okay. Dont let him waste a minute more of your timex
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 December 2006):
I agree with the others im affraid. This person does not deserve for you to even try and work things out. What an absolute pig.
You must feel so low at the moment, but the trouble is, only you can make yourself better. If you can leave him, you will feel so much better. Not straight away, but it will happen.
If you stay in this relationship, you are always going to feel like this. He will not get any better to you, and already treats you like dirt. Think about it seriously, what do you have to lose by leaving him (nothing). You have everything to gain, and you could be missing out on the chance of meeting a nice guy. I have been in your position and it hurt like hell to leave, my only regret now after 1 year, is what the hell did I stay for 11 years for?
Yes 11 years, when all my mates kept saying, "leave him, we are sick of seeing you cry". Now I look back, and all I feel is pity for his new girlfriend, whom he treats exactly the same.
So leave this awfull man, and go get yourself a new one.
NEW YEAR,NEW YOU,NEW MAN. XXXX
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (18 December 2006):
hi honey
im sorry for everything u are feeling right now no woman deserves to be talked to or hurt like that, i know i cant tell what to do, however what i can say is that leave the player he really doesnt deserve someone so genuine like you, it seems to me u have a very forgiving and loving heart but for two years he never appreciated the person u are let alone loving and respecting u the way he should i dont think the two words are in his vocabulary, the men is abusing u emotionally all abusers are like that they will torse you around and turn to u with an apology as if nothing happened some they can even go to an extent of publicly announcing u are the one woman for them and apologise making u feel stupid and unfeeling and i think this one is worse bcos he renounce u when there are people around like he is ashamed of u, u dont need a man like that. sister two years doesnt mean doesnt mean there is no more hope for u in finding new relationship, leave him someone is out there waiting, so run sister run
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): I believe you love him so much because you don't love yourself as much. Thus even if he abuses you emotionally and/or physically, you will still 'love' him because what he does to you make you feel like crap, and that crap on top of other crappy things build up over time, which in turn diminishes your self-esteem, and with that lowered self-esteem, you go to the next most convenient thing or person to look for comfort. Since your bastard boyfriend is your next closest thing/person, you go to him, because he is the only one who gives you a tiny speckle of comfort. THUS, you love him, because he gives you that tiny speckle of comfort.
I say, this is a classic case of bastard boyfriend treats gf like crap, gf has low self-worth, seeks comfort from boyfriend, boyfriend gives tiny bit of 'love', gf takes that tiny bit of 'love' and translate to a 'blossoming paradise of love', and the circle of life begins again, and again, and again, etc, etc, etc.
Well, that's pretty much all I can say. The 'advice' is there. If you are ignorant and definitely blinded and deaf to my words, then surely, you truly deserve to be with this dung pile maggots of a boyfriend. If you, however am willing to draw out a meager existance of strength from within and see how absolutely unhealthy this relationship is from the beginning, then I suggest you seek out others who can still support you emotionally and possibly spiritually, and ask them for backup artillery. Cuz seriously, you really have to get out.
I believe you don't really know what love is. Love isn't a stale piece of expired ham. Love is a dynamic connection between two (or in some cases, more than two) people that exist to benefit each other mutually, even at the 'sacrifice' of oneself's own comfort and happiness. Love is an ongoing effort, made up of a whole combination of things. What you feel for this guy, is comfort, not love.
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A
female
reader, Nella +, writes (18 December 2006):
Honey, I'm sorry but I think you really deserve so much more than being treated like this. I know you love him and it hurts right now but I'd ditch him, he sounds horrible. His behaviour is just not OK, whether it's owing to booze or not. He is nasty when he's like this and it sounds like he's got a problem with alcohol - he has to learn that cannot treat women like this, drunk or sober. You need a man who will understand and support you if he's upset you and not simply deny that he's done or said anything that's hurt you . Groping you and wanting sex isn't a good way to say he's sorry and will make you feel used and worthless. Hopefully if you end it now you will feel back in control. So please get out now, do some grieving for the loss of the relationship and then when you feel ready find someone who will treat you with all the love and respect you need and help you build up your self esteem again.
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