A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am seeking advice for a close friend. She is from Latin America, moved to Canada a few years back so English is her second language. She is hoping to work in Health Care, she now has her masters and was asked this evening to do a presentation. A very rude person that was present gave her a terrible ear bashing, commenting to her how poor her English was, how he didn't understand hardly a word she said. He commented that she is the type of person he hangs up on and that she sounds like the telemarketers that he cannot understand. She has progressed so much and studied a lot to get to where she is now and has just begun the turning point and is on a community placement. And now she is so upset and devastated. I told her she must be harder than this, not to let one stupid comment knock her back. She has come so far I told her. She is really down and has even mentioned she would like to go back to her country. I do not know what to say to help her. Please can anybody give me advice here. She has been at University for 5 years and is a wonderful caring person. I feel in pain to see her in this terrible unhappy lost state. Please guide me so I can help. I would like to send her an e-mail because she wants to be alone. What can I write in it to make her feel better?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): Has she been in Canada for only 5 years?!! If that's the case she did a super job of getting her masters, because 5 years doesnt not even come close to learning a language well enough to get a master. Language learning is a long and difficult process for everyone unless you are a child coming to a foreign country. I live in US for 24 years and came here very young, but not as a child. I still have a heavy accent and as you can probably see from my writing make mistakes. Besides English I speak 4 other languagesI still get remarks how horrible my English is, especially when people get mad at me. I will give you several examples.I was searching for some answers on Trip Advisor, it's a site that helps travelers to research an unknown country before traveling. I put my question down, and some asshole started a fight with me on line believe it or not out of nowhere. Finally, he wrote that he can't understand what I am saying, because I don't speak proper English. Even on Dear Cupid, some guy who answers here a lot, one time didn't agree with me and called me ileterate, because of my mistakes in writing. Every time people upset with someone they find things in another person that they think will hurt this person feelings. These people are ussualy very ignorant and poorly educated. Unfortunatelly your friend will meet people like this everywhere, and she needs to learn how to deal with it in a calm way. She can respond , I am sorry that you have problem understanding my accent, most people have no problems with understanding me. Unfortunatelly there is nothingi can do about it, accent is here with me to stay." and just ignore this person. There will be only a small percentage of people who will have problems understanding her, always. One sweet lady, my neighbor has a problem understanding me to the point that some words I have to spell for her. We both laugh about it. It's just some people can't comprehend accents, but rude people will insult you about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Your friend needs to be more confident.I am learning the hard way that you have to be thick skinned to suceed at anything.You can have a dream, but no matter how big the dream is, there issome idiot who will pull you down and convince you that you are not talented, worthy, etc.However, there IS a difference between being confident, and being complacent.Say her English DOES need improvement. The guy was a total asshole to call her out like that. But, it doesn't mean she can't do it... it means that she is not ''there'' yet. She needs to be confident in her ability to achieve what she wants, and even though she might have some progress to make, she should look at it as an attainable goal and not an obstacle.I've been at places in my life like that. My friends have given me good advice, I'm actually passing some of it on, but sometimes I just want someone to listen to me. Some very prejudiced, ignorant people have the mentality that ''foreigners are stupid.'' I know, because I have been an immigrant and I have been judged just for my foreign status. Not only is that a very cruel prejudice, it's illogical.I understand what it's like to be an immigrant, I've been one and have experienced firsthand the challenges that your friend is facing. It's REALLY HARD to leave everything behind, go to another country where they don't speak your first language, not knowing a soul, and enroll in school or start working. Then there's adapting to another culture. Not ''just anyone'' can do it. A dummy couldn't do it. It takes some intelligence and character just to survive, let alone do well. Please tell your friend I said that.I have a story to tell you. My mom's father was also an immigrant from Germany to escape the Nazis. He was different than your friend because he was escaping something horrible, whilst Latin America is cool from what I hear. My mum told me stories about how he arrived in New York not knowing much English, had to learn it, got a job binding or selling books or something, and adjust to a new culture and have no family, no roots or anything. Then he met my grandmother, who was a piano teacher in New York City. :) I thought your friend would like that story. It seems that you are a REALLY good friend to her. She says she would like to go back to her own country. I sense there's more to the story that just one comment. I think that she may be dealing with other issues and that rude man's comment was just the last straw that broke the camel's back. Or the donkey's back. Hehehe just kidding.Maybe she misses her family, or other things she left behind. The hardest thing about living in another country is giving up a base of stability, your roots, family, etc. I think she should be welcome in Canada, but she must decide whether she wants to stay long term or go back to her family. Did she move to Canada with the intention of staying there or eventually returning to Latin America?I've lived in Latin America actually and there is so much I miss. I'm not sure what part of LA she's from. I lived in a warm part of LA and I miss the sunshine, the markets, the friendly people. I can understand why she misses it.Maybe she could go back for a visit to LA for a while to regroup. I think that when you go to another country to live, there are a lot of pressures and it could be they're getting to her. I loved Latin America but sometimes felt isolated and detached. I have loads of friends but it's not the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): She'll bounce back. Just step back and allow her to. You can't coddle her, and she has to grow a thicker skin. I've worked in the healthcare profession. It's not all warm and cozy. Patients, doctors, and colleagues can be pretty tough and insensitive. They don't always respect your feelings.The guy was obviously mentally off. No one of a sound mind calls out that boldly in front of other people with such anger, unless they have issues.If she is going into the healthcare field; she'll need to learn how to deal with "sick" people. Her patients will include the elderly, the wealthy and privileged,and the relatives of other health professionals. They will weigh very heavily on her nerves and will be quite demanding. They aren't always sweet and polite. If she is going to be on the administrative end, she will be scolded by higher executives, and pressured to perform to her fullest potential. I've been there and done that.She can return to her country. Latin people are just as opinionated and rude as any other culture. She just has to learn to roll with the punches. Even comeback with a humorous response to dilute the toxin.We all face bigotry, rudeness, and insensitivity in this world. We have to develop our tools of survival, and not let the cruelty of others over-power our own convictions; and our choice to be good, and do positive things.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Sometimes when we receive a blow like that we just need a little time on our own to regroup. Give your friend the space to do that.
When you do say something keep it brief and be matter of fact. Too much sympathy will only encourage her to focus inward on herself and her own fears, and to see this incident as the terrible calamity she's taken it to be.
You could point out a couple of things to her. One is that her command of the English language is probably far better than his command of Spanish. And the fact that she is bilingual means she can help even more people (more people than he can anyway). Aaaand, not only can she communicate in Spanish and English, but she can probably understand a lot of Italian and French as well. So there's that.
I don't know what specific branch of health care she's entering, but over the course of her career she's going to encounter people who are ill, frightened and generally not at their best. We don't seek medical attention because we feel fantastic, right? If she wants to help anyone she's going to have to develop a thicker skin.
And finally, when I first read what the man has said to your friend I made some assumptions and had the same reaction you did. I had visions of the man yelling at her and insulting her, but that may not have been what happened at all. Your friend was putting on a presentation and feedback is generally sought afterward. The man may have simply been VERY honest. If he had difficulty understanding her, chances are others will as well.
Clearly he struck a nerve. However adept your friend is at the English language she obviously isn't confident enough if this man was able to rattle her so. I mean to the point that she wants to leave the country??
It would be a good idea for her to see this as an opportunity and not the catastrophe she's making it into.
I feel for her, but frankly her reaction is a little over the top.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Thanks for your answers, her English is understandable of course otherwise a Uni would not even entertain her.
But some words can be hard to understand, I would say her English is 80% understandable.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Just noticed your flag - oops, sorry. There may also be some *Canadian* ESL classes on Youtube.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 December 2013):
Sorry your friend had to put up with this nasty comment - please encourage her to use it in a positive way to improve her spoken English rather than to put her off completely.
I was chatting to a friend who teaches English as a Second Language recently, and she told me about a workshop she'd just run, which was to help people for whom English is their second language improve their pronounciation. This included a senior nurse who was from Africa; he was already successful in his job, but felt his spoken English could be a bit better/ clearer. The people in the workshop were from all over the world, and the same principles applied to all students (generally vowel sounds and speaking too rapidly).
My friend also records ESL lessons and tells me they are shown on YouTube for all to see. I can't provide a link to her exact videos I'm afraid but if you google 'english pronounciation youtube' you will come up with lots of links. Some are Americans talking, which would be more appropriate to your friend than my friends videos anyway (she is British).
Good luck to your friend! I hope she can find some useful online - or offline - resources.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): When any friends of mine is exposed to a situation like this I tell them not to worry and consider themselves that they have been attacked by a wild and brainless stray dog while taking a walk in a park.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Slughtly different view here.
I.e. : not that I disagree with the other posters. That mean WAS rude, intolerant, mean spirited, his attack was unwarranted, " if you can't say anything nice don't say enything " etc. etc..
But, rather , or in addition to, consoling your friend for the slight she received, perhaps you should encourage her to be proactive and work hard in improvong her English.
It's beyond me, how she could get a masters! without a decent, no, let's make it GOOD, or even excellent, command of Emglish language , including an understandable accent. I also don't understad how she can expect to pursue a career that involves daily contact with people, and in such a sensitive area like Health Care, where precise, effective communication on both sides is paramount, if she does not speak with clarity the language of her host country. She has been studying in Canada since quite a long time, in 5 years if you want you can achieve a beautiful mastery of any language, and the simple fact that there HAS been such a comment ( no matter how inapproriate, unkind, disrespectful etc. ) makes me think that then there IS a communication problem ,and maybe your friend has not done everything in her power to solve it. Maybe she needs to take an ESL course. Or to sign up for an accent reduction class. Or perhaps just to talk more and practice more her spoken English ( and you can help her with that ).
Anyway , whatever it's the problem- she needs to work on it. It will not be effective on the job, and not fair to her future patients / clients / coworkers, if they'll have to struggle to communicate with her and understand what she means.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Tell your friend, that there are people in the world like that man, and there will be more. However, people only get to be that way because they are so incredibly unhappy with their life. Can you imagine a happy loving person speaking like that? Not likely. That man has tried to dump his garbage on her, and she must not pick it up. He must be an impatient lonely sad man. He has his reasons for being so mean, and those reasons are most likely very sad ones you will never know or understand. Your friend has to keep her personal boundary strong, and not let his 'garbage' get past it. Tell her to surround herself with the people that love and care for her, and to realize, they are by far more important than an angry strangers comments. The other thing she could do, is to quietly go and talk to the man. She can say to him, something like: "It is obvious you have some difficult times understanding peoples accents, it must be very frustrating for you".... "I can appreciate how difficult that must be, as I have had learn to understand accents too".....find his perspective... then maybe let him know, that even though he may have got some satisfaction in delivering his comments, they were presented in a disrespectful and nasty way, and that they really upset and distressed your friend. Tell him how hard your friend has been working etc etc.. .give him a new perspective too. He may be ignorant and just needs to learn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): You will always fine people who find pleasure in others pain and discomfort. This 'man' sounds like an idiot. She has studied hard and bulky the sounds deserves to be where she is. She need to try and grow a think skin and learn to take this on the chin as when you are from another country you are always going to find discrimination in so way shape or form. Just be there for her and help rebuild her confidants.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 You will always get those people that feed their egos by being nasty and spiteful because they are actually jealous of other peoples success.
Tell her that by running away , she is accepting defeat, also tell her why let one ass waste 5 years of her life. Also tell her this guy is just jealous of her success and she achieved something he probably wanted. Paint a picture of her life if she goes back home, also ask her is she prepared to throw away her dreams over some idiot.
Tell her she has come too far and if anything this should make her stronger and want to fight back. Also tell her to take English classes, if that will make her feel better.
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