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female
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anonymous
writes: my boyfriend and i have been together a little over a year..we are 29 years old. It is the best relationship i have ever been in. He is the most caring genuine man I have ever been with. I know with all my heart he is the person for me. We are very loving toward each other, he tells he loves me forever and ever etc etc. I know in my heart he will always be there for me.We don't talk TOO seriously about the future--we joke, bring it up here and there that we want to move forward together etc. We are both living with our own families right now trying to save. He is planning on buying something sometime soon and said a few times he would expect me to come be with him etc and there would be no reason to buy something like that and live alone. (who knows if that is true or not)He was talking to someone today mentioning a few things about me etc and so the person said so you're ready to get married? My b/f was telling me this after the fact and that he kinda laughed and responded saying not quite yet. It kinda took me back in some way because i know it has only been a year but given age, the love we have for each other, talk of the future it hurt a little. Am I being too sensitive? I basically joked when he told me this later saying oh really and said if you don't know now then I am probably not the one for you. And i continued saying so i guess 5 or 10 years from now and he replied what if it was that? I said that is a long time. He was saying how if and when he was ready he would want it to be a surprise and save some suspense..i kinda told he was bsing me in a joking manner and full of crap.Should I be worried that he flat out told this person he wasn't quite ready? It's like all the things he tells me about forever and ever seem like fluff. Am I overreacting and I should still relax and enjoy myself?I am almost 30 years old, if he is seriously planning on only being married in 5 years from now--i don't see myself having kids at that age. I know it is possible but I am not sure if i want to put my body through that. It doesn't sound appealing to talk like this but I almost wanted to say it. It's horrible to realize that I am almost 30 and maybe i need to start adding some pressure but I don't want to ruin a really wonderful thing either.Will things fall into place if I leave it alone? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 OP you said “I basically joked when he told me this later saying oh really and said if you don't know now then I am probably not the one for you.”
There is SO MUCH TRUTH in this “joke” listen to it…. My son (age 27) is dating a young lady now.. they have been dating about 5 months. HE KNOWS he’s going to marry her. I’ve been married 4 times… EVERY single man KNEW within 6 months of being with me that he was going to marry me, even the one who swore marriage was useless and he was NEVER getting married….
ON the other hand… his replies do not indicate that he does not wish to marry you only that he wants to spend a bit more time deciding.. for all you know you’re getting a ring for Christmas….
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Though I agree with answers that putting too much pressure on your boyfriend is not a good idea, I understand where you are coming from. 30 might not seem like old for a man, but for us women it is the age to start thinking about our biological clock. And if we want children at least we want to be somewhat sure that we are not waiting precious time on someone who is not even close to have a family. There are plenty examples in my life with my friends who were dating men their own age for years just to be left for another younger woman, with whom they had children immediately. If a guy is ready to have a family one year is plenty of time to deside if you want to be with this person. You are grown up enough to start thinking about settlinwith someone. You can still have kids at 35, but you right, it's a bigger risk to have birth defects, and it's harder to raise and be active for your little one when you get older. Of course women have children even at later age, but to have kids after 40 is a miracle. 10 years later your boyfriend will be 39, and he an easy find a young woman who is much younger to start a family, but for you time will run out. With that said, I don't think there is any use to pressure him. See how it goes, and if keeps on giving remarks like that, deside for yourself whether he is the right man for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): I wouldn't worry too much. First off, marriage is a very big, very personal thing, some people don't particularly like to share all their thoughts and feelings about this with friends, especially when it's just a rather casual conversation. Using myself as an example, I recently got engaged and me and my partner were discussing it beforehand, yet whenever anyone else asked me my general responses were, 'we'll see i guess', 'well who knows...' etc. I'm genuinely happy to be getting married, but I dunno, sometimes I just choose not to share such deep things with others.As for you two, if you are genuinely worried then you need to talk to him, none of us are mind readers. However, m=be sure to not pressure him (ie making it sound like some kind of ultimatum), just make it clear you would like to know what his thoughts and feelings regarding marriage are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Getting anxious and setting deadlines based on your age, is not wise. I think most of what he is saying is playful, and you're being over-sensitive. A year is not a long-time to be in a relationship, and please... please.... please quit with the forever and ever stuff. That is not a mature attitude toward an adult issue. Time is unpredictable. Don't reach too far into the future. We are here in the now. Keep both feet planted firmly.Timing is an important factor in making life-altering decisions, and most young people rush into things. Creating all sorts of reasons to demand immediate gratification. Sidestepping all necessary considerations and preparations, fearing they'll be old and barren by the time they marry.All the while,being unappreciative of the present; and good blessings in front of you NOW!Relax. It isn't written in stone. He has made it clear it will be a surprise and unexpected. Being over-anxious and antsy about marriage, is going to make you difficult to live with. Let things fall into place, instead of trying to fast-forward and propel yourself too far ahead of schedule.Take it down a notch with putting the guy up on a pedestal and how perfect you are for each other. It has only been a year. You have to ride out a few bumps, to really know what you have for sure. If he loves you, he isn't going to get away. Marriage will not guarantee he'll stick around "forever." Maturity, patience, levelheadedness, and confidence will make you a much better prospect for a future wife. Those traits will expedite any intentions he has to purchase an engagement ring. Wringing your hands in anticipation of your future, will just make you miss out on all the joy you have in the present.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 December 2013):
It sounds like you're the problem here. I don't see anything wrong with what he said. People, regardless of age, should date longer than a year before getting married. Before a year you're in a honeymoon phase, you put up with things that will drive you nuts later. I think two years is a good point to begin discussing marriage with any seriousness.
29 is not too old. So be patient, stop putting words in his mouth (5 years) and enjoy what you have instead of undermining it with marriage pressure. When the time is right it'll happen.
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