A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts/uncles im having some problems with my younger brother. Firstly i dnt live with him, thank goodness because he is so moody! he has always been a moody person, angry irritable and really rude! when i visit he is off with me and bites my head off at tbe stupidest things like if i ask him to repeat himself when i didnt hear him the first time or if im having a conversation with my husband or parents and he will interupt saying 'shut up * your full of crap, (and thats put politely) the other day he shouted at me in front of of niece for talking too loud whilst he was on the phone, it made my niece cry so i had to say something to him, in the end my mum told me to back down coz i wasnt going to win! if i tell him not to speak to me like that he flys off the handle and i often end up feeling resentful towards him. he is 20 yrs old and my parents say very little, but our younger siblings are begining to talk to me nd my mother in the same way because they are taking example from him and its extremely hurtful, i always stick up for myself because i feel he gets away with murder but he's nothing but a big bully and im fed up of arguing with him all the time Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Hard as it is, try not to argue with him. It will not help. Have you any idea why he has always been moody, irritable and angry? Do you ever have one to one time with him and talk? I can understand wanting to avoid close contact with someone who seems so disagreeable but thats exactly whats needed. At best he has a chip on his shoulder about something. At worst he has a psychological problem or needs an evaluation to rule that out.
The fact that he has always been this way, suggests that he has underlying problems. Maybe take time to talk to him when not around your parents, husband and siblings. See if you can reach out to him and discover what makes him tick, what is making him so angry and moody. He sounds troubled to say the least and his moodiness, irritability and anger, could be indicative of any number of disorders/problems.
If you can talk to him, you might get a heads up on what is affecting his behavior this way. If you can get him talking, bite your tongue, allow him to talk and just listen. While he is talking, try not to intervene as it is possible an argument might start or he will just clam up. And dont fill in any silences, just prompt him with a question then allow him to fill the silence instead of you doing it! You will learn far more about him if you can do that.
You need a heads up on how he is feeling in order to shed light on his behavior. This will help you to cope with his behavior more effectively and even better, possibly help him to deal with his negative behavior. All the best.
A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (29 May 2012):
maverick is just completely right on. That's the advice that we give to parents who have toddlers who act out. It's astonishing that someone in their 20s needs the same treatment, but regardless, it's the right call.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 May 2012):
 The biggest problem isn't your brother, though, he *is* a huge problem. The biggest problem is your parents' endorsement of how he treats you and acts.
Maverick has good advice. If you're an adult and live away from home, why do you have to spend time with him anyway? Why not spend time with your parents at a place where your brother isn't? Cut your brother off if he won't stop treating you this way.
He's being a bully because he knows that your parents hamstring you by taking his side. It's not fair to an older sibling to be yelled at for reacting to a younger's immaturity. It happens all the time, and now that you no longer live at home, you don't have to put up with it.
Just tell your parents that you can't co-exist with your brother when he acts like this (give examples). Don't get into an argument with your parents about whether you're right or wrong for cutting him off. Just tell them that you love them and want to spend time with them, but not while he's around. Plain and simple. Maverick has the right idea here.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 May 2012):
I have a very simple solution: ignore him when he's being an a-hole, give him attention when he's not. Right now you're probably doing the opposite. You pour your attention onto him when he's calling you things, and yes, even negative attention is attention. Now your siblings have picked up on this as well. So nip it in the bud.
Pretend he does not exist when he shouts at you like that. Look through him, not at him. Don't acknowledge him, basically pretend he's not there. Also make a pact with your husband and your niece for example so they do the same. So next time you're in a conversation with one of them and your brother interrupts, simply go on talking as if he never said anything. Don't allow his tantrum to make any kind of impact, not even a ripple.
Then when he exhibits behavior worthy of you, you can make eye contact and reward him with attention. When he goes back into rude mode, you simply go on ignoring him again. Don't bother defending yourself, he's not going to listen or care. Defend yourself through actions by showing him that he doesn't even exist to you when he calls you these things.
They tested this approach in several facilities and it works much better than trying to reason with people who are already flipping out, because then you're basically adding fuel to the fire. I used this on my high school bullies and it helped tremendously.
Use the same approach on your siblings when they're being disrespectful.
If things really don't work out, talk to your parents and tell them you're not going to serve as your siblings verbal punching bag when you visit and that if they don't start disciplining their children like they should, you're not going to come back. Sometimes an ultimatum of some kind is just what people need to get out of their slumber. Your parents and family are taking you for granted. So show them you may bail on them.
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