A
male
age
36-40,
*evin19861
writes:My wife and i have been married for 3 years, 6 months ago she told me something that rocked my core. the daughter i have been raising is not mine. she had an affair 2 years ago. the reason she cheated was that she was a virgin when we got married and she wanted to feel how another man felt like.....the affair lasted 2 months. i dont get it, i was a virgin aswell but you do not see me going around sleeping with other women. i can tell she loves me and she has been apologetic many times, i do feel i will forgive her in time but i cant forget about it. she is a beautiful woman but i am failing to bring my self to make love to her...now she has started suspecting me of revenge cheating all because i stop to say hi to a female work mate. i just need advise, if i was to cheat would it ease my pain, i feel like a beta male for accepting the child and staying with my wife. maybe sleeping with other women will make me feel like an Alfa male again.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2017):
 If you think that men 'deserve to have fun' and that by fun you mean going out and cheating on your wife then that does not make you any better than she is. I am sorry but I really don't like your attitude. I am sorry that your wife cheated on you, but that does not mean that you get a free pass to cheat on her and have no strings attached sex. Think off the poor child. Get a DNA test and then decide if you can forgive your wife or else get a divorce on the fact that she broke her wedding vows and start again as a single man, don't lower yourself to cheat.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2017): i don't know if this even deserves a response... All I'm gonna say is don't cheat on your wife and turn around and act like you're a better person. Cheating does not make you an alpha male... That's rediculous working it out and raising that baby makes you an alpha, even if you two don't stay together... Raising that baby in a healthy co parenting situation makes you an alpha male. Cheating makes you scar from Disneys the lion king... I don't even know how else to put it, this is such a joke.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): So she cheated on you and now you want to cheat right back... Very mature.
Look, sex is wonderful, but it doesn't make you a man.
Either forgive her, try to make it work together if you want that, or divorce and move on. Shit or get off the pot.
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (22 November 2017):
If you think a revenge affair will make you feel whole again or restore your pride go for it. The people telling you not to have never been in your position.
But remember this; revenge is a dish best served cold.
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male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (22 November 2017):
 kevin19861 you don't have to live by the preconceived notion of the life that men should live. And I'm sorry that your wife doesnt believe you, but how would she know what a great sexual encounter is if she was inexperienced as well. If she truly doesn't believe you and that you don't think that marriage counseling is the answer... I really see your wife's lack of faith in you disturbing."i can tell she loves me and she has been apologetic many times, i do feel i will forgive her in time but i cant forget about it" - just sort yourself out first, do you really don't have feelings for this woman anymore. Because you said it yourself you can forgive her. But if you rush and do stuff now you may come to do things that you might regret as too.Just slowdown take it all in, listen to everyone's opinion including your own, and if you feel like divorce really is the answer well good luck with starting life a new.
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male
reader, kevin19861 +, writes (21 November 2017):
kevin19861 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDivorce, might be the answer, but why can't I enjoy my self as well. Am a man ain't I, thats what we do, that's what she told me, she said how come a handsome guy like me never had any sexual experience. She didn't believe me because she said I made love to her like I had tones of experience
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): This is a tough scenario. And I'm sorry this has happened to you. Well in my family, I believe my older sister is a product of an affair. She looks nothing like my dad. Or like me. But my dad was content believing she's his daughter and my mom never came clean. But I feel everybody knows, it's the elephant in the room. My sister is a platinum blonde. Nothing about her looks like my dad or his family. Would you have preferred if your wife never told you, and as your daughter matured, people around you start gossiping, you're looked at as the scorned husband, your own daughter knows and feels she's not related to you as her features have no similarity to you or your family. I can see the look of embarrassment in my sisters eyes when upon meeting her for the first time, people say she looks nothing like me or like my dads side of the family. She gets so uncomfortable. But denial and this fantasy world are the norm in my family. My mother has told me on several occasions that she was dating two other guys at the same time she was dating my dad. My dad, perhaps conveniently, has no recollection of this and swears that he and my mom had always been exclusive.While your situation is really unfortunate, on the bright side of things, at least she told you. She was honest and came clean. That's huge! Imagine if like in my family she just denied and lied and made you feel like you were going crazy. You need to take space and clear your head before you can make any wise decision on how to proceed. I would move out and rent or sublet an apartment and be on your own for a little while. You need to separate yourself from this and look from the outside in. You can't just forgive somebody by default when you don't even know how you truly feel. You're probably feeling up and down with your emotions. You have to rebalance and level them. You can't heal with her right up in your face. Get away from her, take as long as you need. Really think you should move out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Get a divorce. It's not the answer you want to hear but it's the best one.
If she was even capable of doing what she already did, then it won't be the last time she does something so abusive to you. Staying with her is just signing up for a lifetime of bad treatment.
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 November 2017):
If you want to save your marriage you’ll need professional counseling no one here can help you no matter how well meaning and sincere they are. If you don’t want to save the marriage and I have to wonder why you would want to save a marriage with someone that cruel and selfish you need to see a damn good lawyer. Because under the law in most states you are responsible for your wife’s love child even though you aren’t the biological father. So friend you are probably screwed whichever route you go down.
Best of luck to you, you’ll need it.
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male
reader, kevin19861 +, writes (20 November 2017):
kevin19861 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will think about your advise and thank you. But it's quite hard to deal with
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female
reader, Banksia  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Cheating will NOT make you feel better. It will further damage the relationship. Forget that beta/alpha stupidity.
Get a paternity test ASAP to verify who is the dad. It may be you.
After cheating, a relationship can survive but she needs to be completely transparent. Trust has been broken. Don't try to stay together for your child. That never ends well.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 I can understand your world being turned upside down by these two experiences and I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through them both.
Firstly, you cheating won't solve anything. It will just make the situation even more confusing and messed up. You said in time you will forgive her, but will you seriously? If you're never going to forget it then how can you get over it?
Personally, for me I think too much damage would have been caused and I wouldn't be able to carry on in this relationship. There's been a great deal of dishonesty and I wouldn't be able to fully trust this woman again.
You need a long hard think about what you want before making a decision. If you do decide to forgive and forget then you truly need to put what happened into the past and cannot keep bringing it up as ammunition in arguments, as the whole part of you staying together is that you have accepted and forgiven what she did. If you decide to break up, then you need to give yourself time to work on your own life and concentrate on getting your head straight before pursuing another romantic interest.
Best of luck
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female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Divorce her. Do a DNA test, as her word clearly means nothing. If the child is, in fact, not yours, I would sue her for at least some of the cost of raising the child when she deliberately lied to you about the paternity of the kid. You shouldn't be out of pocket raising another man's child without your prior knowledge and agreement.
If you choose to stay and continue raising the child as yours, you should legally adopt it, as the next time she goes behind your back, she could leave, and take the child out from under your feet.
I would never stay with someone who will go these lengths for her own selfishness.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Frankly, her excuse for cheating is bogus. And not only that, but callous as well because she lied deliberately about the baby. Very cruel and premeditated.
Anyway, you should not cheat. It does nothing. It solves nothing. It's like getting drunk just in time when you have to run a marathon. It's a wrong "remedy" for a problem you are having. So don't do it.
There is no alpha nor beta male solution to this. There is only a solution that you are willing to accept. Each has its own consequences because cheating rocks the boat so much that no matter what you decide - to forgive or to dump her - it has consequences.
Nor do I think that she will ever accept the gravity of her deeds. Instead, she is guilt tripping you by accusing you of cheating after she polluted the water. Personally, that to me is another sign that she needs to be gotten rid of from your life. I think you will have more peace if she is not around you to remind you of all that negativity.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Kevin.
I'm sorry for her putting you in this predicament. I find her excuse for cheating totally bogus. If she wanted to have sexual experiences with MORE than one person, she should have done so BEFORE marriage and BEFORE being in a serious relationship with you.
And secondly, you don't become an "Alpha" male by cheating. Two wrongs do NOT make a right.
The reason she thinks you could be cheating is that she HERSELF has cheated on you, and knows SHE isn't trustworthy so maybe, YOU are not trustworthy either.
How does she know 100% that the baby isn't yours? That makes no sense unless you two had a long period of no sex.
If you WANT to remain married to her, I suggest the two of you seek out marriage counseling instead of looking for new ways to hurt each other, the family and the marriage.
If you aren't SURE you want to stay married, then you need to look into your options. Unfortunately, in many states, YOU can be held financially responsible (as the husband and presumed father) for the support of the child until the child reaches 18. Which I find ridiculous. Yet I'm sure you have bonded with the child and love the child regardless, it's after all NOT the child's fault your wife cheated. And that she CHOSE to cheat and have UNPROTECTED sex with another man. You call yourself a "Beta" for "accepting" this child? What is wrong with you? That sounds a lot like... blaming the poor kid.
So, you have to decide what YOU want next. And no, I don't mean you want to cheat to feel like a man again. That isn't GOING to solve a darned thing. But do you want to stay and work things out, or toss the towel in the ring?
Let me repeat, CHEATING on her will NOT make you an Alpha. It will just make you a cheater with absolutely no moral high ground.
You TWO (you and your wife) needs to GROW up and figure out how to move forward, together or separate. Now find new ways to mess this up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): If I was you I would not be listening to her rubbish and I would be getting a divorce.Why would she need to know how another man felt if she had you? That is an absolutely pathetic excuse and the biggest joke I ever heard and you have fallen for it.Can you really sit and look at the child everyday knowing the child is a result of your wife’s affair, just to feel another man inside her! If you are willing to forgive and forget something like this just because you feel your wife is beautiful then fair enough that’s up to you but to me it does not seem like your wife has a beautiful heart or personality which is much more important.Of course she accuses you now of revenge cheating because shes expecting you to do it back now and then she will probably do it again. I would just call it quits right now.
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male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (20 November 2017):
Hi kevin19861! Let me start of by saying two wrongs don't make a right. I feel that the quick response to an action is reacting the same way but sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on.I get your trouble, being cheated on can make you feel that your life is out of your hands and nothing is in your control. But let me tell you something, doing something horrible and or irresponsible isnt going to help you. Doing stuff like being with other women will probably give you pride and/or power during the moment but from then on its either GUILT or the SLIPPER SLOPE (not being able to stop, you did say "WOMEN"). CHEATING doesn't make a relationship stronger.I know it's cliched but sometimes you have to take the highroad. I cant say what made your wife have an affair if it really was curiosity but you have to be the straight man if you want this marriage to continue. Sleeping with other women wont change the fact that your wife cheated on you.Heck...nothing can ever change the fact that she cheated on you; but you can always forgive her, accept her moment of weakness, and I know its hard but you have to talk to her about it more dont ignore it,ignoring problems will only cause it to fester.And after all that if you still find it in your heart to love her then continue on with your marriage. It's something you have to learn to deal with if you want your relationship to continue. Second thoughts if you are planning or even considering of sleeping with other women to feel ALPHA again then your wife is right to feel paranoid every time she suspects you. TRUST IS A TWO WAY STREET. Now about your child, you are raising her, regardless where she came from you are HER FATHER. You were the one providing for her, you were there when she was a baby, during her birth, and I'm assuming you love this kid right? Then no new information about that kid will ever make her any different from the child that you have raised before you found out she came from someone else. Raising another man's child isn't a sign of weakness, and that's something that you also have to accept. If you really do love your wife then show her how you feel. Making love to her shouldn't be hard, finding out new information can make you feel powerless in your life; You just have to grab the helm and take back control of your life. How you perceive and receive things is entirely up to you, if you wish to end it and start anew or continue your life with your wife. I wish you the best of luck.-Sam Wilson
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): Don't cheat on your wife it'll only make a bad situation worse. Go to marriage counselling and work through it together.
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