A
female
age
41-50,
*rac3ylac3y
writes:My world fell apart when my husband began an affair on the 23rd of December 2009. As far as I knew all was well! Its made harder by the fact the girl is everything he has ever tried to change about me.. she is a large girl who is covered in facial piercings and tattoos and has purple hair! She looks rough! He used to hate me dying my hair, hated me wearing jeans, hates tattoos and piercings on women.. she has all of those things. She is also a single mother on benefits.. another thing he has always frowned upon. He had this affair blatantly in front of me.. i.e constant texting.. staying out all night.. late home from work etc etc.. he didnt even try to hide it! He turned from a respectable, normal bloke into a monster.. blaming me for everything, having an argument with me for over reacting when I questioned him.. even letting me apoligise for over reacting! He also started drinking heavily, took all his frustrations out on me and our 2 children (aged 8 and 13) with spiteful words and general nastiness..something totally out of character for him. He always denied anything was going on.. despite the fact that this girl befriended me and also 'got in on the act' of deceiving me.. she tried to be my friend and kept making it seem like he was chasing her but nothing was going on.. when I look back it was obvious but I guess I didnt want to believe it. That has made it even harder.. like double betrayal.I was hoping it was just some kind of mid life crisis (he's 37) and that he'd snap out of it but it just got worse.. I put up with this for 12 solid weeks until I finally kicked him out 2 weeks ago.. I didnt want to lose him but I had no choice.. the stress was too much. I lost over a stone in weight (went from 9 stone to 7 stone 10) He moved straight out of here and in with her.. that hurts. Especially as she has a kid who goes to the same school as my youngest so I have to see her daily.. its such an awful feeling knowing she has him.. she gives me an almost gloating look.. like 'ha ha I won' It also makes it harder for my daughter who has to see the child in school knowing he has her dad. However, I wanted the break up to be amicable and keep him as a friend (I was even nice to her!) as I thought it would be easier on the kids but it is only amicable when things are going his way and when she isnt influencing his mind.He still texts me every day and asks to pop round every day (not the kids, me!) and has even come over for the evening so we could sort out finances which went well.. but then he goes back to her. I know she says nasty things about me to him which I find really unfair because I have tried to be neutral and not judge either of them. When he is horrible to me while he is with her I feel like they are ganging up on me which I cant handle.The children are traumatised, both of them are having councilling at school and neither of them want to see him at the moment.. for that he blames me.. says I am poisoning them against him which I would NEVER do.. thats 'her' talking! He still doesnt see the damage he's done and is still doing by carrying on the relationship that has destroyed my kids. I have tried to tell him when he isn't with her any more the kids will want to see him but he wont see it. He keeps going on about how great his life is now without the stress.. that makes me resentful because my life is almost unbearable now! He knew how much the behaviour affected the kids and me but it didnt stop either of them from carrying on.. she also knew.. she also knew from the start he was married.Problem is since he has gone I have found it really difficult to deal with my emotions.. one minute I'm ok, next I hate them both, then I just hate him, then I just hate her, then I feel unimaginable pain and I dont know how to handle the constant change of emotions. I also know it is far from over as my solicitor has suggested divorce to ensure finances are secured.. then I dont have to rely on him and his unpredictable behaviour to be amicable. I have the children in emotional turmoil too and although I have some fantastic friends I am worried they are going to become fed up of me constantly going on! I just don't know how to handle my feelings.. sometimes I feel better for being friends with him and nice to him and other times I want him to suffer for what he's done! Sometimes I feel better if I see him and hear from him.. I know I am holding onto something but I dont know what.. I think if im friends I wont lose him altogether.I know its early days but everywhere I go I am haunted by them.. we live in a small town, I am always seeing them and then her at the school.. I dont see any chance for closure unless they move away which they have no plans of doing. I cant handle seeing either of them out and about.. it devastates me. I just dont know what to do or how to handle it. Sorry to go on but I think I am going to go insane with these emotions. I just dont feel like im coping at all.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, tattoo, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's only been two weeks since he left, so it's normal to go through a range of emotions, but I wonder why you want to keep someone who has humiliated and abandoned you and your children as a friend? Losing him as a "friend" is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids right now. He certainly hasn't earned your friendship.
I agree with Lerokiya that there may be some dependency issues at play. It's understandable that you are devastated by your husband's infidelity, but your desire to cling to someone who is abusive,has no respect for you, and blames you for everything--and it sounds like you are more than willing to accept the blame--is unhealthy. Continue to get counseling for the kids and get some for yourself, too. Although your friends are supportive, you need to speak with someone who can help you get some perspective on this situation, help you process your anger and grief, and help you think about how you want to move forward with your life.
In the meantime, I don't think there is any reason for you to go out of your way to be amicable with your husband and his girlfriend. The more accommodating you are, the nastier they are. You don't have to "allow" them to abuse you for any reason and neither of them will treat you with any respect if you keep ducking your tail between your legs. This doesn't mean you should become argumentative and fight all of the time, but understand that any emotional energy you give to them and this situation only adds fuel to the fire. They are feeding off of your sadness and anger and they behaving in ways to provoke these emotions in you.
If you want to stop feeling like you are being ganged up on, limit your interaction with him except when it is absolutely necessary. If he calls to talk about anything other than money, end the conversation and hang up the phone. Start making an effort to regain a sense of control over your life. Don't respond to his texts and don't allow him to come by the house. You don't need details of how "great" his life is. Telling you these things is a power move on his part; he can keep the door open for an eventual return by convincing you that all of this is your fault. If you believe he left because of something you did wrong and feel guilty, he will be able to return home when he's done playing and not have to be accountable for his behavior. Don't fall for this trap.
Unfortunately, you aren't in a position to move--nor should you--so you have to walk around with your head held high. Even if it tears you up to see them together, don't let them see it. It only feeds their cruelty and they enjoy seeing you uncomfortable. When you see her at your daughter's school, smile sweetly, say hello and continue walking. Act as though you could care less about the two of them even if you feel awful on the inside.
He is not some prize to be won or lost, and this woman is not a better person than you are because she has him for the moment--and chances are, it WILL only be for a moment. It will just be a matter of time before he comes crawling back. You need to heal yourself so that if you decide to take him back, it will be from a position of strength, not out of weakness or fear or desperation or guilt.
A
male
reader, lerokiya  +, writes (31 March 2010):
Sounds like you are more then accomodating in your role. your husband seems to get his own way most times. If I were you, I would begin to focus on my self. pick up a book on codependency, it may open your eyes. my guess is he's hoping you'll stick close by while he has his fling, and it probably won't last, but you must focus on yourself. you are the important one. i have recently found out my ex was having an affair. it's been two months since i exposed her lies and confronted her bf and i have no regrets. each day i grow stronger and feel tons better. trust me, if you choose to let him go completely, it'll be hard af first but it will be the best decision you ever made.
...............................
|
