A
female
age
41-50,
*iffed and paining
writes:I am in a strange dilemma. I met this guy six years ago in college, and we began dating, more so because he forced me into it, and I did not want to break his heart by saying no, so I went along. He was someone who has always been brilliant, but he was someone who was awkward, looked a little like someone who had the mildest form of Aspergers, but he was very nice by heart. And i out of the goodness thought, maybe no girl will ever be with him, and he may never have a chance with someone, so what, I will be with him and stand by him for his goodness. But i instinctively felt it was wrong for me, but he forced me into it saying give it a shot, think of me in that way ( i am someone who did not have a self will, and in order not to hurt anyone, always heard people out) it all began, and this was the time when I was going through trauma in my family life. We got closer, but he was someone who mocked me at my reading preferences, started at other girls, and really really brought my self esteem to an all time low but he has always stood by me, like not anyone in my life has. If i was angry he would come home every single time (I live 2 hrs from him), he was nice and caring, but there was a very menacing dark side to him with issues to do with other women (staring at them all the time) money (he'd always be broke, and I would happily pay). Came work, and he engrossed into it so much himself, he gave no time to me, started to ignore me, I did not count at all, (all along when I used to work the previous year, he'd take up all my time by being on the phone, asking me to leave work to be with him, just dominating my space when he needed it). When his work began, he became so strange, (a job i helped him get in the first place, he began mocking me again) during that time, he began going apparently to a dentist for a root canal every saturday almost for seven hours every time, over seven times. He made my life havoc, as I instinctively knew something was wrong. i spend the year in pain and turmoil crying and asking him please tell me and he kept saying nothing. incidently he came to my dentist once, and in front of him, i told my dentist, do you know his dentist takes seven hours for a root canal? my dentist said a very odd thing, he said, "be careful I know a lot of gay dentists in town" and kept quiet. ON the way back home, my boyfriend was quiet, and when we came home, he held me and cried, and said why do you trust me? you should not. I was startled, and asked him why do you say this, he said nothing and never told me. I have to add he had once told me he has a gay cousin, who has always been very nasty with me, and according to my ex, had a crush on my boyfriend too. They used to often meet up when I was not there. There has always been something very shady and dark here. I left for abroad the next month to study, and we continued a very turmulous relationship. He joined me for a holiday after a few months, and one evening when i was playing with a little toy for fun, he looked at me and said you know sex is not everything, this is, and I said why do you say that, and he never said anything. But I knew in his embrace, touch and kiss, that he had been with someone else, but he never admitted it. I came home for a break, we spoke and were to be married when i got home after my studies. Even on this holiday, there was so much pain, i knew there was some girl involved, and he kept denying, saying no nothing. Finally when I went back abroad, one night on the phone, he admitted after i asked for hours, is there someone, he causally said I fancy someone at work, but we've never even spoken. I broke down, I had spent so many months, we were to be married, and then this. I said i really wish you well, please tell me the truth to everything that has happend. I will bless you to be happy. But for months he claimed nothing, I came close to dying with pain and turmoil, alone in an abroad country, no one to care, and he kept saying there was nothing, there is nothing, I broke my spirit down. He has killed me spiritually, emotionally with my esteem every way. I came home finally post my studies in a broken state back, ruining my career and life, and met him once as he insisted, but i guess seeing me look thin, fragile, he seemed non interested. We met off and on, and he seemed like he wanted to get back, but without ever telling me anything. I really want to move on from all this pain, all I have been asking him is for a closure, which why does he not give? This is a man, for whom I went out, not to break his heart. Helped him get a job, helped him get close to his family, helped him fight his fears, upped his esteem everything. Why at the end of all this, can he not give me a closure? The only thing in his favour is, he has been rock solid as a friend, always stood by, and even if i call at 4 in the morning he will pick up. But am I lying about this to myself that he is also a good friend? I am in so much pain, have been for so long, i have devoted so much emotion, time and life into him all I want is a closure, i need the truth to move on, he will nevr give it to me, please help me, and dont' say forget it, i have tried for months and months. I don't care about him anymore, i need to know what happened behind my back. He broke me in every way one can think of. Will this pain never end?
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a break, at work, cousin, crush, money, move on, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, miffed and paining +, writes (20 May 2010):
miffed and paining is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the late reply, But I just saw your message right now! Thank you so much for your reply, maybe its for a reason I did not see your message for so long, as from the time I wrote then, to now, I have been moving on, doing other things, God has blessed me with the closure that time gives and sense some where had kicked in, thus all that you mentioned had been slowly taking shape, and reading your words, just ressonates how toxic everything was, and had been had I stayed in touch, your words ring truer then ever, and thank you once again, as with time, the pain had as good as gone and I was in my tolerant to his idea, or even keeping in touch on and off, but you are so right, it is a cycle and I am going to keep my distance. It probably has nothing to do with them being out to harm us, ( they are too self absorbed to think of anyone but themselves anyway!), but exactly for that reason, that they are so deeply into themselves, they can not see the other person( us being in question here!).. I have lost a lot of important years, emotions, money, opportunities and my youth all most on what I have invested in him, but today if I may say so, I am smarter and more wise. Emotions and goodness can not be worn on the sleeve, as much as we are aware of the words, its the meaning that one has to be aware of.. I hope you are doing better now? From the sound of your mail, you sound like someone who has gained an internal fight back and resilience to such negative people and emotions, and I feel deeply proud and happy for you. These are life's learning lessons and immunity shots almost, the sooner we get them, the gladder! May we live sensibly and stronger now on..Amen
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): Hello,
I have read your story of pain, and experienced it to a great degree, so similar are these experiences I had to write to you. As much painn as you are in, and I KNOW this, just remember how much he has taken from you- it's very easy to remember the good times, when he was nice, but your gut, just like mine, was practically doing the flamenco trying to warn us. I also felt sorry for him at first, then noticed many of the same things---this is my feeling, he wanted to be cared for, once he was, he returned to his boyhood immature ways with women, all the while growing more resentlful of you, how together you are, so he fed off you. These people are called many things, p athological liars, psychopaths, as they have no real conscious, crocodile tears flow easy for them.
Easier said than done, as I am still trying to pull myself together, I lost my very good job, my friends (due to his bs) my mother for a while as she bought into his crap, etc.
By staring at the girls, that gave him power over you- he is a typical con guy--good ac ting, very insecure, and not well emotionally. If someone make you feel that shitty, they are the problem- and I'm not the blamer type. They forget important things, or their mistakes, everyone is better than you, you make them miserable, etc.
just cut all ties with him asap. ALLLLLLLLL ties, this will be the hardest thing to do, or else you will become bitter, ill, and you may not even love again due to this heartbreak. Please please please, drop him, he is a non-entity to you as of now. take no calls- this type of poisonous relationship will damage YOU not him--it already has---whatever he did will come up, you will hear about it,
when -don't know, but karma works in mysterious ways, now please, take a deep breath and resign yourself to NO CONTACT- cry if necessary, cry your heart out- he has hurt he HAS- so who needs this in their life-- unless you are co-dependant and enjoy this---get the jerk out of your life immediately or mark my words, as this was said to me and i poo poo'd it---you and only you will suffer tremendously.
hope so much that this purging of him- all of his belongings, etc, take time- writing is on the wall- you are a convenience, any girl is with him. Please don't feel alone with this never-
human
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A
female
reader, Troubledgurl  +, writes (1 April 2010):
You are welcome my dear,just that there are so many things about guy that we have to undastand
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A
female
reader, miffed and paining +, writes (1 April 2010):
miffed and paining is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking out the time to read my post. I appreciate your response.Its so strange how we never stop missing the people who ruin us so terribly, i mean logically its all wrong is it not..it pains, and no matter how great my professional life goes, the minute the thought of what happened comes back, my heart sinks into nothingness. To think you get into a relationship not to break someone's heart, and what they do to you instead..Anyway I wish everyone there stronger hearts and leave before its too late if things are wrong. I hope one day he gathers the guts to come tell me the truth, because i know life long i will have no closure till then.
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