A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 33 year old man who's been married for 5 years.I am writing in embarrassed but I caused the problem and don't know how to get out.I've been having an affair with a 24-year-old woman since September and this has all been because of my wife's behavior.My wife's been obsessive over bills, even though I've been to my accountant several times on Zoom and she's been in a session with me (he won't allow in-person yet) but she's still paranoid. All she'd talk about for days and weeks were bills! And this is despite our financial health being very good or even excellent according to my accountant.She claimed my accountant was "part of a cabal trying to make bills higher and wanting to make bills worse for society".She'd been refusing sex since July or August. Nothing I tried to do romantically for her, giving her opportunity to take the lead, worked, she just yelled and screamed at me, claimed "But you're obese".She showed no interest in new hobbies to do as a couple, claimed "It'll cost too much on bills"Obese? I spend time running and cycling when I can, I LIKE both of them. I don't look obese.She's also been very obsessive over food, eating three full packets of Pringles at once and drinking eight bottles of Diet Coke.A far cry from the fun, dynamic woman I met in 2013, we got married by 2017.Yes, we've had conflict, but they've never got into screaming or physical fights and usually resolved civilly and peacefully.I guess I got into this affair because my wife was obsessive and paranoid over bills for ordinary things - water, Amazon, food and drink, and refusing sex, and no matter what I tried to do to resolve it, she kept yelling at me.I'm now in the "I love my wife and my mistress" dilemma.Yes, I know my mistress is an escape from reality; I don't share job woes, money woes, bills, dirty underwear, division of household chores, but at the same time, she has some qualities my wife doesn't have, she's very calm and kind, loving.Me and my wife have no kids, I should add, only a pet kitten.I didn't plan to get into this affair, and feel like ending it'll be hard but at the same time, I'm worried about my wife's health too.She just spends hours phoning neighbors, asking about their bills, and even writes to celebrities asking for copies of utility bills, their bills etc. as collectibles, and talks about nothing but bills and snack foods.I want to get out of this situation. Yes, I was wrong, but I'VE Recognized it.At the same time I'd probably end up being a divorcee in a one bedroom flat with attorneys to pay off, although in my case, the woman who I've been with is higher status than me, not the other way round of her attracted to me for status; I'm a guy driving a 2002 Chrysler minivan and living in a small suburb.What can I do about both things in the situation?I'm probably going to end the affair, but dealing with my wife's paranoia over bills? I'm usually the better-informed one who knows more about finances.Really need help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (19 November 2021):
But this is another post from our resident troll - except that the pet cavies have been replaced by a cat this time... Almost all the other hallmarks are there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2021): What are your imperfections OP? Are you perfect OP? I think there may be quite a few flaws you may have. One of which is NOT helping your wife through this personal crisis which affects not only her well being but the future of your marriage. Instead you went ahead and fucked the first convenient and available woman who is also flawed and seeking the very same escape you have sought. Perhaps it is also her husband's fault. There is NO excuse for cheating. Stop laying the blame on your wife. It does not matter what she did, it was your CHOICE to fuck someone else rather than dealing with your problems like a man and being there for your wife when she needed you most. You are a failure OP. You abandoned your wife who had a MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM! It was not her choice. What kind of a man are you? And you will also fail with this other woman. Once she is no longer of use and no longer an escape, you will find a reason to blame her when you cheat with the next woman who comes along. The problem is with yourself. I suggest YOU also get help, before you destroy the lives of others. And let your wife go so she can find a GOOD MAN who will never hurt her the way you have. Love does not put the people we love in harm's way. Love protects them at all costs. You are just a weak, selfish and self serving coward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2021): Driving that “Classic Minivan” does not signal great financial health. You don’t mention savings, debt load, retirement accounts, etc.. I’m left to wonder if she might have a point regarding your financial situation.
You fucked up. The crossroads are in front of you. There is no one to blame but yourself. I get your sexual frustration as, once upon a time, I too, was a 33 year old man, with a wife, that wasn’t sexual. The frustration and hurt can become unbearable. If you want to pack up your minivan and leave, so be it. I get that. A lack of sex is really that bad. However, you cannot stay and have a fling. That does not solve your problems with your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): The reason most men who are sick of their wives still stay with them is lack of money. You say you are sick of her and you claim your finances are very healthy, so you have no excuse to prolong the agony and stay and pretend you are a couple. Get a divorce. I very much doubt the mistress will last long either, men who make mistakes with the wife always make the same mistakes with the other women who come along after her, they get dumped over and over again one way or another. Your wife has dumped you, but she still lives in the same place because she believes she cannot afford to go or does not want to be alone. That does not make you a real married couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): How was cheating on your marriage considered some sort of solution? In some defense of your wife, watching our economy slip, while some people lost their livelihoods during the covid-19 pandemic; many usually sane and levelheaded people became alarmed. Maybe she placed too much emphasis on money; and really needed to seek some comfort and peace through worship and prayer. She needed your comfort and support as her husband, more than she needed sex. If you focused on determining the cause of her anxiety, be it physiological or psychological; you might have found a solution that would benefit your marriage, rather than put an end to it.
Unfortunately, people watch too much news, we are inundated with outlandish conspiracy theories; and propaganda machines, posing as news sources, are manufacturing craziness that is getting to people. When you're not steadfast in your faith, you don't place your hopes and worries in God's hands. Even if you're a Christian, you sometimes forget to seek the comfort and friendship we have in Jesus. When times are tough, people sometimes completely lose-it; that means we're losing our faith in the Lord. This is the unorthodox kind of advice people will roll their eyes and scoff at; but there are readers who do know what I mean, and will take it for what it's worth. Please totally ignore this, if you find it foolish or useless. You probably will, but it may benefit some other reader. It won't hurt my feelings.
You don't seem to have considered the possibility that your wife may be in a panic, and suffering from anxiety-disorder; so she is unnecessarily worried about things that really require little, if no concern. It could be early onset menopause, or some other hormonal issue. Even a switch in her birth-control prescription could cause some side-effects.
I'm glad that you're so secure and certain of your financial-stability; but unforeseen events can and do happen. You should be vigilant and prepared for the worst-case scenario. God doesn't want us to fret, least of all over money matters. Fear is a weapon the devil uses against us. Yet God makes a way, when there seems to be no way. We sometimes let our fears overtake us, trouble overwhelms us; but nobody on this planet is so secure and fearless that this cannot happen to any one of us! It doesn't have to be attributed to our mental-health condition. Just that life can be confusing, overwhelming, and downright scary! Loss of our security and safety are among our greatest fears! It comes from our built-in sense of survival.
In her anxiety, she doesn't feel much in the mood for sex. I'm confused as to why you haven't suggested she see her doctor to determine why she is so anxious, and why a woman in her 30's seems to have such a low sex-drive? I would have attributed it all to her mental-health or some underlying-illness that requires medical-attention. I wouldn't have used the situation for an excuse to have an affair. That smacks of opportunism, and seems most vindictive. I can't judge your heart, only Jesus can do that; but I can speculate according to how you've explained it in your post.
God hates divorce. It's an acceptable remedy when adultery has been committed, or the spouse has to leave due to abuse and cruelty. Not all marriages can be saved, and you sometimes have to leave against your beliefs. Not before you've made every attempt to save it, if humanly possible. If you do not love each-other; of course, it is futile to continue in marriage.
In this case, you have committed adultery against your wife. She may have had premonitions that somehow her sense of financial-security would be interrupted. She knew something ominous was coming down the pike. It seems that her anxiety and worries of impending doom were not completely unsound. How is it humane or loving to blame a sick person, who is acting outside herself? You did write to seek advice. Maybe someone among us has reached your heart, and may help you.
I will pray for you, your wife, and your marriage. Something has gone wrong, but with God nothing is impossible. If you no longer want your wife, you should divorce her; rather than keep her to avoid financial losses. Whether you want to believe it or not, God is always watching. The devil's aim and delight is to divide us, destroy our families, steal our wealth, and separate us from God. Don't let him win!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 November 2021):
 The pandemic has done so much damage to people in so many ways. All of us try to cope and some of us don't do ad well as others. Perhaps this is what has happened to your wife.
I am already a very nervous anxious person. The pandemic has made Mr almost a recluse. I don't get near anyone I don't have to, wear a mask everywhere wear gloves and will cross the street rather than walk close to people. I have everything delivered now. I have not been in a store since Feb of 2020. I spray Lysol and go crazy if a repairman has to come into our condo. Why? I am terrified of covid. No one comes into my home without a mask. Over the top? Yep. Its how I am trying to deal with things.
Is what your wife doing normal? No but obviously something is wrong. So hat do you do? Rather than try to fix things you start an affair? What the hell man? How is that going to solve things?
Talk to your wife. She needs help. If you don't love her and want out then get out. It will hurt her but she will get over it eventually. She deserves better than a lying cheating husband. I understand you needed and wanted sex and the marriage had problems but you chose to chest. Your wife did not make you. Be a man and blame yourself. You want the wife or your lover. You can't have both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): You seem quite superficial. You married someone you describe as fun and dynamic and are having an affair with someone as an escape from mundane life which is part and parcel of real intimacy. I wonder if you really knew your wife at all, or treated her very one-dimensionally. Perhaps she was always more vulnerable than you cared to notice, but she is now very obviously mentally ill, and it's taken you quite some time to even begin to see that - and even now you don't seem concerned about her, or her mental illness, only how annoying it is for you and the possible inconvenience to you if you were to divorce. Women aren't playthings. Treating them like playthings can, quite literally, drive them crazy.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 November 2021):
 Your title thread is going to cause the reaction you see in Honeypie's response. I think she pretty much covered it.
But what you wrote tells a different story. You are describing a person who has dramatically changed in a short period of time. New and intractable obsession's. Not, in short, the person you married. The isolation of Covid restrictions has had this effect on some people. Obviously, showing her facts isn't helping. Honestly she needs professional help.
BUT, but, your response is not right, healthy, helpful, or good in any way. Starting an affair is just pouring kerosene on the fire. Look if you cannot tolerate living with your wife, and if she continuously refuses treatment despite your good faith efforts over more time than one month, then you file for divorce. And justifiably so. But you haven't made that kind of effort.
What you have done, is to have given her cause to divorce you. And I believe that deep in your self there is a little bit saying if you just do something bad enough she will leave and you won't have to do it. It's called an exit affair.
Well here you are, and it is embarrassing, You have a wife who is driving you crazy with her crazy obsession's, and you have a marriage breaking current affair. You really don't have anything left to save. And no good reason to hang on. As the wise one said " just get a divorce" already.
Now if you had come to us in August and said My wife says I'm obese and I spend recklessly, so she won't have sex with me, then we could have given you helpful advice and support through a hard time, But not now, Now the future looks bleak. Now all we can do is help you through the final death of your marriage that you fully participated in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): Just get a divorce.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2021):
I think when your partner cheats it's important to see what BOTH of you did that lead you to cheat. Often people simply blame the cheater because they "can't keep it in their pants" or blame the person who was cheated on because they "don't give me the attention I need".
Relationships take two people to make them work and so it's a combination of both of your fault.
But that being said, your wife seems to obviously be suffering from a mental health issue. If you don't figure out how to get her help you'll never make things better in your relationship.
Talk to her about counseling. Tell her you're worried about her health and happiness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2021):
 No, no no.
YOUR actions are NOT your wife's doing NOR her responsibility. She didn't MAKE you go cheat. You made that choice.
OWN your actions. Stop being a spineless shit. (sorry if that is too blunt)
Your wife worries (in excess, according to you) about bills and finances. WHY? Do you two make ends meet? Do you live paycheck to paycheck? Do you have savings?
There is probably a GOOD reason she worries. Have you ever sat down and made a budget with her? So you take part in the financial planning? Or did you leave it all to her to juggle and worry about? You write " I'm usually the better-informed one who knows more about finances." So why haven't you sat down and worked on this with your wife?
It seems like your marriage hasn't been working for a while, instead of trying to fix it - be it financial counseling (yes it's a thing) or marriage counseling you CHOSE to cheat and SHE (your wife) CHOSE to fret and worry over bills.
Your sex life is dead because you two haven't put work into each other. You both gave up.
Figure out what you want. Do you want to fix your marriage? (if that is even possible) or do you want out?
If you want to try and fix it, TALK to your wife. Get some help, talk to a financial planner/counselor (most banks can refer one to you), and maybe try marriage counseling. And TELL your wife you cheated. Plus end the affair. The last one is a given.
If you don't, tell your wife that the marriage isn't working and you want out. File for divorce, set both you and your wife free.
I'm not saying the mess you are in is ALL your fault, but you have to grow up and OWN it when you do "the wrong" thing.
You are 33, start living the life you WANT to live. And stop blaming your wife for your choices, no one put a gun to your head and "made" you cheat.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (15 November 2021):
Blaming your wife for your affair is a low dog thing to do. No one is to blame for you having an affair. We are all in control of our actions. Your wife did not lead you by the hand into the arms of another woman. Grow up and stop acting like a selfish prick.
Did it ever occcur to you that your wife might be depressed or extremly stressed about something she isn't sharing with you? She sounds like she has an obsessive disorder of aome sort an may need to see her GP.
You say you've acknowledged your wrong doing but blame your wife. Your not sorry at all.
Your wife needs medical attention so stop thinking about your dick and get her some help.
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