A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m currently pregnant with my first baby and I’ve been with my partner for 2 years.We had dated briefly years before we ended up together but I didn’t feel a spark or connection with him so I let things fizzle out. I ended up getting back into a very toxic on off relationship which really damaged me emotionally and I was very vulnerable at the time of reconnecting with my current partner again and felt like maybe this is how ‘normal’ healthy relationships are supposed to feel and that the connection would develop over time. Long story short I unexpectedly fell pregnant and although I’m over the moon and excited for my baby to enter the world (I’m due next month) I feel so alone in my relationship. I think he may be emotionally unavailable just like all the men I’ve dated but in a different way...Surface level he is very ‘nice’ almost too nice and it comes across not very genuine and fake. Every conversation ends In ‘I love you’ he must say this to me 100’s of times a day, he never talks about emotions or how he really feels and if I talk about how I feel I’m either met with silence or a “don’t worry it will be fine” never anything more. I can tell what his response will be to most things that I say, he never had an opinion on anything either. I have tried to have a conversation with him about this and he said that it’s just the way he was brought up (his dad is similar only speaks when spoken to type of person) so I know this will never change. He’s a workaholic, works 6 days a week 5am-8pm and often even works from home for a few hours on a Sunday or goes to the office until mid afternoon. When he comes home he eats dinner, falls asleep on the sofa and I’m left to watch tv or a film alone. I feel like he’s a lodger and just wants a place to eat, sleep and have someone to come home to. There is never even 10 minutes in the day where I feel we really connect. We don’t do anything as a couple, maybe 1-2 times a month and this is only if I arrange it and I’m sick of being the one who has to arrange dinner out or day out somewhere. I feel like I have no idea who he really is and he has no idea who I really and apart for the same superficial conversations we have daily we have nothing to talk about. Being in his company or when he’s home is like having to wear a mask as I can’t talk about feelings, emotions or anything that interests me as the conversation goes no where so I keep things surface level until I can talk to friends or family. How I’m going to survive the early days with a new born / baby stage I have no idea! I don’t know why he’s like this and I know I can’t change him but it’s so boring and lonely and I don’t think I’ll be able to live like this forever.Because of my relationship history I always wondered if it’s me with the problem and maybe relationships are just a little boring without the drama so I find it hard to trust my own judgment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2020): It seems relatively normal for expectant-mothers to go through a period of gloom and self-reflection. That's partially hormonal; so you will have up-days and down-ones. When we are alone, especially while confined due to necessary Covid-19 safety-restrictions; we are left to contemplate on our lives, faults, failures, and doubts. You are not as alone as you think. Most people reading your post are experiencing and undergoing some amount self-assessment or introspection. Figuring-out what's gone wrong in our lives, and who's at-fault! Been there, done that! Pour yourself a cup of tea. Read this at your leisure.
Yours is an excellent topic for a post. It's a chance to teach young-ladies what parents/fathers should; or reinforce what parents have taught them.
Being alone with ourselves gives us the time and solitude to think. Just don't always dwell on what's bad! God also blesses us; and we should reflect on them and be thankful. No matter how small the blessing may be! If you are a nonbeliever; then you'll just have to do the best you can, under your own understanding, and dependent on your own power or abilities. If you are a believer; then you know God is not limited, He is omnipotent; and nothing is impossible for Him. Not even the situation you are now in. In the end, it will workout for your good. You can't see it now; you'll realize it when you're on the other-side of it. You're never alone, because He's always there! He gave you a loving-family and friends. They pick-up the slack, or compensate for the deficiencies left by unappreciative boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses. His love overpowers them all!
You called your pregnancy "unexpected?" If you repeatedly have sex, and don't use condoms and/or any form of contraception; a pregnancy is highly likely. You can't call the pregnancy "unexpected." If you are uncertain of a relationship, and feel your partner is "emotionally-unavailable;" then don't be surprised when same partner is not jumping for joy for an "unexpected-fatherhood." Even if he looks forward to the arrival of his offspring; you'll have to deal with the condition of the emotional-connection that you two share between you. A child should never be used as duct-tape over a cracked and deteriorating-relationship. The innocent then becomes a pawn! An added complication; to an uncertain, very unfortunate, and dysfunctional-situation.
I'd like you to re-read your own post, and study the things you've expressed describing the man in your life. Knowing all that you know, you speak as if you are forced to remain with him. You consider his actions fake; and you think all his ways are put-on and unreal. Then why are you still with him?
Generally-speaking, men do not like to indulge in conversations or in-depth discussions about their/your feelings and emotions. Blame it on cultural-conditioning, external-influences during his childhood-development, socioeconomic status, and societal-expectations placed on the male-gender. Regardless of gender, we all have our reasons to celebrate; and have our woes to mourn. Guys do not like these conversations regarding the relationship; because they are usually the gateway to a grocery-list of complaints of what's wrong with him. If he dares to listen, and then express what his own concerns are; he has to deal with the hurt-feelings, resentment, and being accused of attacks on his partner's self-esteem. Of course, it heavily depends on the personality with whom you're having the discussion; if you're forced to go there, it's best to let them vent and just listen. It should be a calm and fruitful-exchange between adults; both willing to reach compromise, with the goal to live in love and harmonious contentment. If the love-match was right to start with; then synchronization of personalities was built-in, and cooperation can be expected; because the relationship was founded on love, trust, and understanding. If full-love and trust are not reciprocated, it has to be forced. If it has to be forced; that means there is resistance. Resistance means incompatibility.
Not being a fool, he will learn over time what comes and then follows when you want to go into these kinds of discussions. While some women will pretend to blame themselves and share responsibility; they really don't, they feel he has the incredible task of making her "happy" and curing her insecurities! How do you know when another individual is really happy? They can fake that too! How do you continuously keep another individual happy? Is there a law that dictates that people are obligated to make other people happy and cure their insecurities? Not even God, the Creator of the Universe, feels any responsibility to make humans happy. He will however, impart joy by infusing His love, affection, showering blessings, and protection over our lives. Something humans may find quite difficult to achieve consistently; because the things that make me happy change (sometimes even by the week), and our list of wants and needs grows. Everything my partner does for me is appreciated; but not required. You don't commit to people who have shown emotional-indifference. If desperation and meeting a biological-deadline forces people to rush into relationships with emotionally-unavailable people; remorseful-hindsight and regret is the inevitable outcome. Then once you realize your mistake, then it's your responsibility to do what you know to be best for you. They may be totally content with things as they are. If you're not; then the ball is in your court!
You might even have a great bridge of communication between you; but just because you outline and go down a checklist of all of your partner's faults for them, doesn't mean they must comply and align their behavior with your demands and expectations. That's part of the criteria you should have considered and worked-out before you have faithfully-committed; and decided to become romantically-connected in an exclusive and monogamous-relationship. You don't make changes as you go. Although, voluntary-adjustments are required on both-sides. You mutually make every attempt to adapt to certain conditions, and try to tolerate certain quirks; and have a reciprocated understanding that leads to love, trust, peace, and harmony. I'm not being redundant, I'm stressing a point!
There's always the usual blame placed on men, and not your choices. Many become a victim; instead of being responsible for what kind of men you bring into your life, and decide to keep. They keyword being "keep!" Even when terrible things are discovered, and you undergo the worst treatment. He gets a pass..."because you love him!" Some even rationalize and excuse themselves by making sweeping and sexist-generalizations and accusations that all men are the same. If you believe that, you'll never find a good-one; because the Lord will do His best to keep His best out of your path! We all have to deal with our own faults and weaknesses first! Then, use good-judgment, patience, prayer, and discernment to find the proper match. You'll still make human-mistakes. Errors that's you'll learn from. You'll be forged and refined like silver or steel. You are tested and tried by a few bad-apples. They teach you what to avoid, how to evaluate and judge personality-types; and how to be selective in your criteria for a mate. Thereby making you more careful to look-out for the red-flags and warning-signs in men that cause relationships to fail; hence, able to recognize and know your own faults and weaknesses as well. Not just to seek or pass blame! They teach you what heartbreak and betrayal feels like; by cause and effect we learn and develop a sense of compassion, so we won't do it to others! Only married-people are bound and bonded by an exchange of vows, and expected to go the extra-mile to make it work. It was more than just a bunch of silly promises; it was a covenant of love made in the presence of God, and in-front of witnesses. Legal-rights and inheritance-laws become activated! All others are forsaken for the one! Big difference...HUGE! Just making babies doesn't substitute for it. They don't bind relationships...just make you parents. Someday people will see that for what it is. Even if you're married, babies do not magically transform and heal broken-marriages. They shouldn't be dropped into the middle of a mess! Yet they are, but such is life! It is what it is! Then it becomes our responsibility to see that they do not suffer for our faults and bad-choices. We owe it to them!
Martyrdom is only worth it; when it is done to prove your love to God Almighty. Not to any man or woman, made of flesh and blood; because they won't fully appreciate your sacrifice, nor find it necessary to return the favor. God will give you eternal-life and the Kingdom of Heaven. That's why He gives you judgement and discernment; not so you can go pick a bad-match, become his victim, and proclaim how terrible he is. It's one thing when they fool you (and they do!); but once you know it, hell or high water, you got to get out of there!!! Yes, some people are trapped by unusual and unexpected-circumstances! They are the exception, and true-victims; but the good Lord won't let you get into anything you can't get out of! It will take prayer, faith, and determination. We get too many testimonies from brave-women who got out! They've been through hell and back! They are courageous, inspiring, and touched by the hand of God! It's those poor-women that insist on staying with the wrong-men that suffer the most! If he starts out good, but turns totally bad...why would you keep him? True-love goes both-ways! It's infatuation when it's not returned in the same-way and in an equivalent-amount. "Equivalent" is the better-word; because it's hard to measure love between people as "equal." The scale of our emotional-ties tips and teeters, dependent on circumstances; but if it's real, it remains durable and strong. It withstands obstacles, challenges, and the test of time. Not without taking serious blows, sustaining some damage, and the usual wear and tear! We disagree, we reach a cross-roads; and mutually-decide if it is reparable, or even worth the effort. Truth combined with wisdom makes the final-choice.
Nobody commits to being somebody's makeover and restoration-project. Molded and revamped to be what you want them to be. Even when you purchase a new vehicle; you want all the promised bells and whistles factory-equipped! You'll have it customized to your specifications BEFORE you sign those papers, and drive it off the lot. You don't want to be signed to a repayment-contract for a vehicle missing all the amenities and luxuries you were promised during the seller's sales-pitch. If a man promises you the moon and stars; wait and see what he can deliver, and evaluate his personality before grabbing yourself a boyfriend. Wait and see if he thinks you're wife-material, before he makes you a mother. Does he love you enough? Trust you enough? Need you enough?
You have now been blessed with a baby. He has a moral-obligation to be a fit-father, and to help you financially. Hopefully, he will offer his devotion and assistance in the child's parenting and protection. He fathered the child, so even the law will demand that he provide for it. Unfortunately, boyfriends are not bound to their girlfriends like husbands are to wives. Babies are not a substitute for marriage, and they don't make the parents suddenly love each other; if that love wasn't there at the time of conception. You now have decisions to make; for the benefit of your precious-baby, for your survival and well-being; and in pursuit of your own happiness, growth, and the love you deserve. He might make an effort to contribute to your financial-support and well-being; but if true-love isn't there, neither should he be. It's up to you to decide that. Unless we were able to see into both your hearts like God, we can only make speculations and suggestions. You know what you're going through; so you must empower yourself to do what is best for you, and your precious little bundle of joy.
If you believe, then trust in God. Pray for answers, be patient, and He will guide you. He places the responsibility on you to use good-judgement; and to make wise choices. If you need His help, just ask. If your man remains unchanged, then wise-up and deal with it. It doesn't mean you'll never find love again. Even if you make a few more mistakes. You have every right to reject every word I've written; but hopefully it will help someone who reads it. You can force him to pay child-support; you can't force people love you.
God bless and protect all of you!
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