A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 20 years and I have always had a poor sex life except for probably the first sex months that we dated, but she abruptly stopped having sex with me a decade ago. She says it creeps her out and she feels like she's being raped. She has hinted recently that she suffered some form of sexual abuse in her past. I am not sure when. I asked her what I can do to help her heal or to make things better and she says "Just leave me alone." I am so upset that she treats me this way and also for the pain and hurt she must be feeling. I have read A LOT of books about sexless marriages and sexual abuse and even books written for partners of those who have been sexually abused and I feel I understand her problem, but she will not open up to me nor will she tell me what I can do help her. I am very frustrated at this point and considering leaving her, because she just seems like a very broken person that I can't fix - certainly not without her help. How can I convince her to trust me? We have been together 20 years! What can we do to start the healing process? It feels so hopeless!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 August 2011):
"I am very frustrated at this point and considering leaving her, because she just seems like a very broken person that I can't fix - certainly not without her help. "
it's understandable that you feel very frustrated and hurt, but you hit the nail on the head with this realization that she is broken and you can't fix her.
It's natural to want to fix her because you love her and care for her, and also perhaps there is also a selfish element in it as well (because you do want to be able to have sex).
But realize that the more you try to fix her, the less you are helping her and in fact you may be contributing to her problem and making her feel even worse. Instead of feeling that you are a support and you are on her side, she may see you as an adversary, someone who is pushing her to do things she can't do and getting upset at her for failing. This is hardly likely to contribute to healing, instead it just adds another layer of psychological torment for her on this subject.
You can't make her trust you. If you want her to trust you, you have to let go and just leave her alone, accept her the way she is. Right now you "need" her to change - for you. Because you can't handle the way she is. While there are certainly good reasons you feel this way, at the same time it's not coming from a place of love. If you need her to change in order to feel that your love is complete, then that is more an issue that has to do with you and not her.
If you let go of needing her to change, and are able to accept her and the marriage the way it is, only then will there be any hope that she may change because this is the only way that she will feel "safe" enough to slowly open herself up. But this is very difficult for you, and it is not your fault if you are unable to do this. You've already been frustrated for 20 years, that's a long time to be suffering, you may just be at the end of your rope and it's not your fault.
So I think you need to make some hard choices. How important is it to you to be able to have sex? If you can honestly say that you really need this, then a divorce is certainly very valid, it would be liberation for both of you.
You can't change or fix her, and trying to will only make things worse. If you've been trying to change of fix her for many years, even though it is well intentioned, still, that may have contributed to the depth of the problem as it is today. So your options are to learn to be more accepting of the situation - maybe you should get counseling for yourself, to try and learn new ways of coping and accepting the marriage and being content with what you do have. Or, another option is to divorce. these are things that you do have control over, because what you do not have control over is her feelings and her personal issues.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): "Every person I have ever known that has been abused feels as though they are to blame, they feel guilt and worthless, and do not feel as though they deserve to be happy or that they deserve to be loved, even though everyone deserves that."
This hits the nail on the head. I would echo that strongly.
Keep this in mind.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (19 August 2011):
 I was sexually abused as a child and was raped by my first boyfriend. You can't just take her to therapy, and you can't force an intervention either, because pushing her into something she is not ready for can make it far worse for her. You have done research which is very commendable and shows how much you love her. I can see where you are coming from, the hardest thing for someone who has lived through it is to admit to themselves and to talk about it, especially to those people they love the most. She does need help, but she needs encouragement to do so. I have found with many people who have suffered from abuse or rape (and I know quite a lot of people who have been) that they tend to feel like they are the only one who this has happened to, until they meet someone else who has been through the same thing. It is astronomically difficult, not only for the person who has been through the abuse, for those people who love them and want to help. My boyfriend actually contacted a therapist who specializes in these matters and met some other people who had lived through similar things as I have and your wife has, and actually got me to meet some which helped immensely. It is important for you to tell her respectfully what your needs are, and for you to listen to her as well. Any therapist will tell you she is not damaged goods, she is terrified. Every person I have ever known that has been abused feels as though they are to blame, they feel guilt and worthless, and do not feel as though they deserve to be happy or that they deserve to be loved, even though everyone deserves that. I also had my cousin get names and contact details of different therapists, and she set up a meeting at coffee shops with them so I could meet and find one that I felt comfortable with in a relaxed situation, as going to their offices straight away was overwhelming for me and I was reluctant. These are just some ideas that you may want to consider. You obviously love her with all your heart and want to help her, and I have the utmost respect for you. I hope that you can find a way for you both to be happy. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): just be kind to her dont put too much pressure on her
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): Don't try to do this without a professional counselor involved.You have done your homework though, and you are to be commended for that."she will not open up to me"This is the key, but you need to be aware that it may not go well. Opening up is a fearful experience, and when you find out what has happened you may decide to leave her, she knows that at some level. When sex abuse happens, people can go crazy in some ways. Revealing it can also bring back trauma, and cause relapses of the mental distress. Sometimes the only way they can survive at all is to bottle it all up.If you have not read this, you might try it as well.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933How do I know this?I have been there, and am doing that, and it is difficult.My wife couldn't tell me about the rapes, incest, and sex abuse, or what happened afterward (suicide attempts, hundreds of sexual partners (in a way a type of suicide attempt by sex), more rapes, and compulsive sexual behavior where she simply could not say "no" to anyone even abusive partners and she didn't know why she was this way), because she knew that I'd leave her. She knew that there was no way that I'd stay with someone who had been through, and done, what she had. Despite multiple children, a successful life together in many ways, and a lot of love, she just couldn't tell. She felt, in her own words, "like a piece of trash" in our household with our kids and me. Keep in mind that I'm a very open minded, non-judgmental, liberal, educated, medical professional, and I work with people who have mental health issues for a living. But, she couldn't talk to me about this, although that was one of the reasons she was attracted to me because she knew I would be more understanding of people who had been through what she had been through.Eventually she did, she had to because I was at the point of leaving because I'd finally figured out that she didn't love me.Wrong.She told me. Told me everything that she could remember, everything that ate at her when I wasn't around, about the nightmares, about the fear, and about the hell she had been through.She told me because she wanted me to know that she loved me, loved me more than she could ever imagine loving anyone except our children, and she was doing the best she could.Things got much better sexually, but as time has passed she has experienced a resurgence of the suicidal thinking.That is why you need a professional to help. My wife and I see a counselor every two weeks, and may need to continue that for life. It doesn't make her feel better, but it does seem to defuse some of the negative self talk and suicidal thinking.This is not easy, for her, for you, or for the professional. I have been on both sides of the fence. I had a client who had been sexually abused, a tall attractive female, who saw me, then began to get fixated on me, and when I rebuffed her, gently, she took it well and made no threats or any negative responses or any other language to indicate any problems, but then she went out and took a drug overdose that same week.So, if you have guns in the house, remove them, get professional help, and work on this cautiously. (We don't have guns in our house anymore, my wife asked me to remove them when her suicidal thoughts returned. A remote associate of mine's wife blew her brains out in their living room while he was at work and another colleague of mine did the same in his car. Neither of those people worked closely with me but I knew of them and their problems.)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 August 2011):
Hi there. It's clear certainly, that something needs to be done for her to feel like having sex again in her life.
You also need to tell her exactly how you feel about it. She does need to know.
She might not realize how much it affects you.
One thing is for sure though, this can't be allowed to continue indefinitely without intervention of some sort.
It seems that she is lacking trust in you and all men - because of what happened in her past.
You need to have a serious discussion with her as soon as possible, don't delay it any longer.
She also needs to know that you are considering calling it quits on your marriage, if it can't be resolved soon.
If she refuses to go for counselling, well then it might be decision time for you.
Don't give her an ultimatum, because that will put her on the defensive straight away, and you don't want that.
Just talk to her with love, kindness and respect, and let her know that you understand what she could be feeling.
Point out to her about how it is holding her back from a happy, loving relationship. Without sex in a relationship, it is rather imbalanced. Making love is a way of emotionally connecting with each other, and at this moment you don't have that happening at all.
She needs to understand the impact it's having on you.
Then during the talk, see what she says about her thoughts on everything. It often helps to talk to someone who will simply listen, and without passing judgement.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (19 August 2011):
 Take her to therapy.
If she won't go, then she is literally going back on her agreement to be your partner when she agreed to marry you, and at that point you would be completely justified in seeking divorce.
You can't force someone to seek help if they don't want it, and no one should expect you to live in a relationship that is one-sided.
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