A
male
age
41-50,
* got betrayed
writes:Hi, I and my wife came in contact 5 years ago. At that time she had a boyfriend. It was a strange relationship; we both got attracted towards each other. In the beginning she was treating me only as a friend. Finally she broke up with that boy and started dating me. Then we had summer vacations and she went to her home town, but we stayed in contact through the phone and sms (we used to text each other every day. I went abroad to France and Greece and stayed there for 3 months but we were in contact all the time. When I came back after 3 months she came to receive me at the airport and took me straight to her room. We started living together and finally got engaged, but after couple of months I got to know from some friends that she used to sleep with one of my close friends in the last month of my come back. I didn't believe them and one day I asked her about it. She said that it’s not true and it’s a cooked story. She said that once he tried to kiss her but she removed his face and finally he understood that I don't want anything like that. So I believed her and I closed that issue. But it started biting me deep inside and I started interrogating her time after time. She used to cry and swear to her mom, dad and god all together that there is not even a bit of truth in it. Then again I went to USA for 5 months. I created a fake email account on the name of that friend of mine (he was also in USA with me) I wrote her “love email" from his name. But she didn't answer because she knew I had access to her email account. She deleted that email because she had a fear that I will read it but forgot to delete it from the recycle bin ;) I asked her that I found an email in her recycle bin which was from that guy... I started interrogating her and then finally she broke up and said that yes he kissed her a few times when she was drunk but sex never took place between them... Again I believed on her fake tears because I had no evidence and I was in deep love. I came back to Poland after 5 months and we got married after my come back. But that thing kept eating me from inside and I again started interrogating her after wedding. And this time she opened her mouth little more and said that after getting drunk he managed to take her to the bed but sex didn't take place but they both stayed in his bed till next morning. I asked her that why she didn't tell me this thing before marriage. She says that she didn't want to lose me. I FEEL LIKE SHE CHEATED ME TWICE. And now she has a daughter with me who is 1 1/2 years old. I HATE HER FROM INSIDE SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN. I can't stand her face but I don't want to hurt her family and my family who thinks that we are very good couple. IF I LEAVE HER THEN MY INNOCENT DAUGHTER WILL SUFFER. On the other side I feel without any life. PLEASE TELL ME THE SOLUTION OF THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION
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female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 I have been through this with my partner.. i felt at times like i needed to with hold things from him because of the way he handled things. he scared me and would emotionally abuse me when ever he found out about my past.
i didn't keep things from him but even now sometimes i think i should have put my foot down and said you don't need to know because he has created so many problems for us.
Yos is right, this IS your problem. she was uncomfortable telling you, and although it wasn't right for her to lie, she obviously anticipated your reaction, she was probably scared.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): I don't agree with the obsessive way you have handled this. It's not helping anything.
But I agree that she created this problem. She took away your rightful choice by lying to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I feel sorry for your wife not you! If I was her I would dump you. Why did you feel the need to interrogate her over and over again! If you had ANY doubts about her you should not have married her. What kind of person creates a fake account using this friend's name to e-mail her then when she shows her loyalty by not replying, goes home digs it out of the recycle bin and then interrogates her about it??? That is just sick. Sorry for the outburst but you need professional help, your jealousy and obsession is tearing you and your family apart. If you don't address it soon, you will lose everything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): your wife is ok and a very wonderful and caring person. you are being very cruel to her and treating her very harshly. stop tormenting yourself and tormenting her. you are very lucky to still have her.you must have faith in her and forgive her even if she has erred once which I don't think she has. she must love you very much to put up with all your nonsense. apologise to her and try to makeup to her and forget once and forever your doubts of her fidility. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Yos is totally right - this is your problem and your wife has not done anything wrong. You obviously loved her enough to marry her, and she loves you because she agreed to marry you. So here you are, with a daughter and a wife who loves you, wishing that you could just walk away and leave?! All because your wife kissed a man before she met you and slept in the same bed with him. Have you any idea how ridiculous that sounds?
Everyone has a past, I bet you have slept with other women in the past - but you need to accept the past is the past, there is nothing that can be done to change the past therefore the only way forward is to think about the future.
What would you rather do:
a) throw away a marriage to a woman who loves you, break apart your family and cause your daughter to suffer
b) work on your own problems and insecurities so you can create a good family environment for your daughter and re-build your marriage so you and your wife are happy?
What gets me is that this situation has been going on for years now, and you claim to "hate" your wife for her small, insignificant lies - however you clearly dont hate her enough to stop having sex with her do you? If your child is 1 and a half then obviously you are still having sex!
You need to do exactly what Yos said - work on your own issues, accept this is your problem before you can find a solution. Yes your wife lied, but it was a tiny lie and she did it to avoid hurting you. She clearly can see how obsessive and jealous you are, therefore she knew if you knew about this it would drive you mad hence she kept the information from you. Lying is wrong, no-one is going to disagree with that. But she had good intentions, and she only lied to withhold information about something irrelevant to your marriage, hence the lie is not a deal-breaker. If she had cheated with him whilst seeing you, then it is a different matter. But it is her PAST - nothing to do with your relationship at all!
So you need to realise that this issue does not affect your relationship, it does not affect her feelings for you, therefore it should not be affecting you in this way. It was a kiss and a fumble in bed many years ago, before she was with you. She should not have lied about it but everyone makes little mistakes and you should forgive her for that.
I hope you do try and see it from this perspective for the sake of your daughter, if you can be big enough to admit this is your problem then that is a very positive step towards fixing your marriage. If you try and remember why you fell in love with her, and look at all the positive things about her and your relationship, focus upon these and use them to help you want to move forward.
You are stuck in the past, with this scene flashing through your mind and you are allowing this to ruin your marriage, and your life. Take control of yourself and the situation, and maybe you can fix this.
I hope this helps and good luck
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 You do realize that you have a serious obsessive jealousy problem?
You have been interrogating your wife over and over again.
You have been reading her mails, and even setting her traps.
This is very unhealthy behaviour. But do you realize it's YOUR behaviour, and your problem? And that your behaviour has been bad, and that the problem exists in your head.
I can advise you how to solve this problem. I have had it myself. But, for this problem to to be solved you have to first accept that it is your problem, not your wife's. She will have very little to do with the solution, her behaviour is not the one that has to change.
This is the first thing you need to accept. If you can do that, then you are able to make the first step to recovery.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): This is a rather messy situation. I feel you need to spend some time really thinking about what you want and also whats important.
What is your wife like? Is she a good, caring wife? You married her, so she must be special. Sometimes we do things that are stupid. She wanted to be with you not the other guy.
I think you just need to decide if you can forgive her. Do you honestly think she will cheat on you? IF you cant then you will just treat them badly if you stay
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I'm soooo srry that this has happened to you. some of the best advice any stranger could give is slow down, think about exactly what you want out your now marrage and act on it. If your suffering now but you dont want you daughter to suffer chances are that she is will suffer later in life because of your relationship with your wife. you and ur wife also need to be completely honest with each other, like how you should have been from the get go. it cant be a healty loving relationship if you don't talk. if you hate her and i mean truely hate her you need to get out of the relationship so u can take care of your self and take care of the daughter that depends on you to be her father.
stay strong,
ur friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I'm soooo srry that this has happened to you. some of the best advice any stranger could give is slow down, think about exactly what you want out your now marrage and act on it. If your suffering now but you dont want you daughter to suffer chances are that she is will suffer later in life because of your relationship with your wife. you and ur wife also need to be completely honest with each other, like how you should have been from the get go. it cant be a healty loving relationship if you don't talk. if you hate her and i mean truely hate her you need to get out of the relationship so u can take care of your self and take care of the daughter that depends on you to be her father.
stay strong,
ur friend.
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