A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:As the subject says, my wife was sexually abused as a child. She was also raped as an adult - possibly more than once. She just confided this in me, although I have suspected as much for a long time now. As a result, she is an alcoholic. She cannot sleep and needs to take sleeping medication to sleep through the night. She has other neurotic conditions as well. Her family thinks she is a lush and somewhat of a party girl. As a result, they look down on her. They do not realize what she has been through.I know that it shouldn't be my place to share her secrets, but it upsets me when her mom and her sister make fun of her conditions - like she is a weak person and they are so much better. I would love to tell them how strong she is and how much she is dealing with. She says she has never revealed her secrets to anyone other than me. Is there a way I can tactfully hint to them that maybe they should inquire as to why she acts the way she does? They are not bad people. They just don't understand what it is she is dealing with. It is putting a strain on my relationship with them and on our marriage as a result - especially with her sister who insists that they had a perfect Normal Rockwell upbringing and that my wife (the pretty, doted on one) had it so much better than she ever did - so much so that she resents my wife. It seems everyone is living in their own reality separated from actuality. I feel like it should be my wife to share her secret, but is there a way I can tell her sister and her mom to LAY OFF until she is ready?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): No, do not break the intimacy of this shared information except to insure you safety, the safety of others, or the safety of your wife.Understand it is dangerous if you do this. Read on below for one story.If you do, it is a further trauma on top of the abuse. She must be brought to the point where she can do this herself.However, there is a starting place. Counselor, Physician, or Pastor, someone she trusts, then you go with her, with her full knowledge, and start there sharing this information with those who can help.My wife was sexually abused, raped as a teen and as an adult, and became a drug user and alcoholic (using drugs and alcohol in secret even from me), and never told anyone about the abuse and rapes till I nearly left her after nearly 20 years because of problems that I couldn't find any solutions for. It took her years to open up, 6 months of joint counseling before she broke through to start really talking.Nearly a year after starting to talk she was starting to think about killing herself. She was able to talk to me, we were able to get her help. If I'd broken her privacy she'd never have talked.Many people who have been abused don't get that far. I know one person whose brother killed himself, a friend of my daughters killed herself this year, I've known multiple people who have been inpatient hospitalized for same. PTSD if real and serious. Your job, be understanding, be supportive, and not be enabling.Al Anon is good place to start, but professional counseling is needed for survivors of sexual abuse.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 About the family.. Tell them to back off.. Tell them your wife is your responsibility, and an insult to her is an insult to you. Tell them you will not allow her to contact them again, if they don't watch their words and their manners when she's around. She's a grown adult, her behaviour is none of their business, unless she drinks and behaves badly in their houses. If that's the case, then make sure she doesn't visit when she is drinking, or take her home if you think she is getting out of control.
She's your woman, to love and protect.. Tell them all to go to hell. Then they'll be angry with you, and hopefully leave her alone.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
I'm sorry for all the pain this has caused for both you and her.. but please, please, please.. NEVER REVEAL HER SECRETS without her permission. She will be devastated, and it will prove to her that men can never be trusted. See if you can get her to see a counselor for alcohol. Hopefully, she'll be able to discuss the rape there.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Explanation to this unfinished sentence:
"you also cannot make her get support"
meaning: =
"that you cannot force nor make an alcoholic seek support to get sober. You can only encourage, when the time is right"
and meaning that
"an alcoholic has to decide themselves that they need support."
Sadly they often haveto reach rock bottom before they will seek that help.
But if you full inform yorself through Al-Anon then you will be two steps ahead of your wife and will see the signs and know how to respond when your wife agrees to get the help she needs.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 November 2011):
Hi OP
I look forward to your follow up where you will be able demonstrate the courage and real empathy and understanding you have for your wife.
I am sure you want the best for your wife.
And only the frustration and anger you have for the people in your wife's family led you to suggest the action you did.
And I hope the support in DC has demonstrated that there are better ways to support you wife.
Revealing her secret to her dysfunctional family is not the right way.
And I say dysfuntional because only very very cruel people would just sit back and continue to undermine and criticize and not do anything to demonstrate an ounce of empathy for your wife. even though they may be ignorant of the abuse I think they do not know how to react approprietly and therefore them "knowing" would no doubt result in even more abuse. Because they are nasty.
You wife is the Innocent party in the abuse.
you also cannot make her get support. But you can get support for you. And that will help you to stregthen you such that eventually you will gain the trust of your wife and then she can start getting better health in the health system.
The abusers are the villians in this situation..
And sadly the abuse is still hurting your wife and she needs private, confidential and respectful discreet professional support to help her through this.
The best informed advice is the it is exceptionally HURTFUL and damaging to a victim of abuse to have any ill-informed reveal her secret.
Even worse if you, her spouse, did reveal it. That would be a betrayal.
You surely do realise that the abuse victim feels overwhelming SHAME and they live with their Shame and their
abuse daily, and in their dreams, until they can finally access professional support to deal with the demons imposed by the abuser.
Revealing it would be a terrible thing to do. But you know that now? And if you had done this then you could hardly hurt her more if you did that.
Your wife needs discreet professional support. And NO you do not even tell the relatives that she is getting this support.
If you have taken the time to acquaint yourself with the issues of abuse you would know that it is NOT your place to reveal these deeply personal issues.
http://www.aftersilence.org/
An online forum for men and women who have suffered abuse in all its forms: psychological, verbal, physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse. The forum is run by a community of volunteers all over the world. Our Place aims to help educate and support those wishing to heal from the damage done.
http://www.our-place-online.net/
It would be nice to find out what support you currently use through the Alcoholics Anonymous Al-anon family groups? Getting support for your wife by informing yourself first is the way to go.
Abuse
http://helpguide.org/topics/abuse.htm
Kicking smoking
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/quit_smoking_cessation.htm
depression
http://helpguide.org/topics/depression.htm
Find ways to spend less time with her ill-informed unkind nasty family. They clearly are not helpoing her and by their actions they are disqualifying themselves from being useful to her in any way.
And when you have been to a few of the Al-Anon meetings you may be in a better place to get her to attend and a meeting of Al_Anon
Christmas is coming. It is a tough time for dysfunctional parents and families. I suggest you find a way to give you and your wife a supportive situation away from unkind people.
Best wishes
Abella
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2011):
 No, don't tell, it is not your place. IMHO
However, I do suggest that you help your wife get some much needed therapy/counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): I understand your frustration but no, you absolutely should NOT raise this. This is an extremely sensitive subject, and it is up to your wife to handle it her own way. She has already suffered enough, and has chosen how she wants to handle this. You do not have the right to take that decision out of her hands. You can support her through it, you can get her help and counselling, you can be 110% behind her - but you don't get the right to dictate.
This kind of subject is so explosive that it can literally tear a family apart. It's not like the soap operas, where a family has 5 minutes of crisis, then rallies around the victim of abuse, with apologies and tears. Quite often, the victim is actually ostracized further when the story comes out, and accused of lying or of being a fantasist. On top of the agony that abuse has already caused, that can be enough to push someone completely over the edge. Families frequently deny the truth, and can act extremely spitefully towards the person who threatens their rosy view of the past. Once that happens, it is extremely hard for relationships to be healed.
However, there are things that you can do. Whether your partner had been abused or nor, her mother and sister's behaviour is clearly cruel and deeply unhelpful and unsupportive. Instead of explaining the causes of your wife's behaviour, why not focus on getting her better? In other words, you could have a very quiet word with the mother and sister, and explain that, while you know they're joking about your wife's alcoholism, their comments really hurt her feelings and make it much harder for her to get well. You could explain that you'd like nothing more in the world than for your wife to be well, and enlist their help in doing this. It might be helpful to purchase one of the many easy-read books that are available on the market as guides to helping people recover from alcoholism, and give them a copy. Instead of antagonists, aim to turn them into a team on YOUR side to help YOUR wife. Bear in mind that for this strategy to succeed, it's important that they don't feel threatened or criticized, but instead feel treated as people with something valuable to contribute (their love and support). Otherwise they will simply get defensive and continue behaving in this way. So attacking them will be completely counter-productive.
Hopefully, together you can come up with a strategy to help her heal. This should involve a GP who can provide guidance and medication if necessary, but it should also involve a counsellor whom she can speak to in private about her issues (this will be much, much harder for her than it sounds).
And don't forget yourself in all this! You also need to understand your role as her partner, to avoid becoming either co-dependent or an enabler of her habit, so attending a group for the spouses of alcoholics might help you tremendously to understand and cope with the frustrations of your position, to feel like you're not alone, and to learn new strategies for helping your partner. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Well I don't think it would be your place to share her secrets with anyone, including her family. That's something that, when the time is right and of course under much encouragement to share (maybe with your support), she has to do on her own.
You can however tell the mom and/or sister that she really has been through a lot, and the way they criticize, make fun of, and talk about her really does have an affect on her.
What you may also want to suggest to your wife is to seek out help/support from a counselor or therapist(lend your support by going with her, if necessary). Because though she told you her secrets, she's still holding onto a variety of negative emotions/feelings from her past that's causing her to mellow it out with alcohol. When you combine that with a lack of sleep, it damages the brain, body, and overall her mental/physical state. And I'm sure everyone would agree that she does not need to be damaged any further.
I wish you the very best in your relationship- and with your wife being well.
Blessings.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Like your wife I was sexually abused as a child, and raped as an adult. I can tell you from my experience, that if you tell anyone, or even hint at it so they figure it out before she is ready for them to know, it can cause more harm than good. For me Trust is of utmost importance and I would see it as just another instance of proof that I cannot trust anyone and that I was not worth anything to anyone because everyone betrayes me. I have been to counseling and worked through most of my issues (some still creep into my life at times), and have done a fair bit of work with people who have lived through this kind of hell. My advice is for you to encourage her to seek professional help, and encourage her to te;; her family what happened. You obviously love her with all your heart, and can see what an amazingly strong and wonderful woman she is, and I can understand how hard it is for you when other's can't or won't see those qualities in her, and make things harder for her. Unfortunately until your wife is willing to talk about what happened and to face it, there is nothing you can do except encouraging her to seek help, and showing her that she can trust you with this terrible secret. So the short answer, yes it is wrong to spill the beans to anyone in any way. It is up to your wife to disclose her secret to her family. But by encouraging her, and showing her that she can trust you with this secret, you can help her gain the courage to face up to the difficult and horrible past she lived through.
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