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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife was touched by her dad as a child and has suffered from depression. She is on medication.She hardly wants sex anymore and I like to have sex. Every time I ask I get turned down. Whenever I try to talk to her about sex she gets very defensive. In the past, we always had sex 2-3 times a week. She has told me many times that she has never had a orgasm with anyone until me. How do i deal with this? I am very good at communicating with her but she always tells me "I dont know" or "whatever" is the usual answers?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2006): All I can say is believe her when she says i dont know-when you suffer from depression i dont know is many times an honest answer.Dont pressure her,the fact she doesnt wants sex could be upsetting her too.If your urges are bad and i dont mean this crudelly but you could masturbate,though i would talk to her about this and dont just do it while she is in bed with you,she could find that upsetting-you need to talk with her about this.be supportive it is hard dealing with a depressed partner but as i said before i dont know and whatever are common answers to questions when depresed.This may sound harsh but stop asking ,let her take the lead if she wants sex let her iniaite it,dont cut off affection,there are many ways to be intimate that arent sexual.Remember that she may not be in full control of her emotions and it is natrual for depressed people to shut others out-it is a coping strategy.She will talk when she is ready,some things cannot be forced.Also it is common with depression to lose sex drive especially with some types of medication.At the end of the day sex is not the most important part of your realationship love and communication is,but i also understand that it is important to have sex.it can make you feel undesirable when your partner does not want sex with you but there are obviously solid reasons behind it.I do think the earlier response to yiur question was a little harsh.I wish you and your good woman the best of luck together.With your support and love you can help her through this.There are support groups out there for partners of people suffering from depression your local gp should be able to put you in touch-it will give you an enviroment to discuss how you are feling without the risk of upsetting your partner or being judged for your feelings.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): YOU ACCEPTING THAT SHE WAS SEXUAL ABUSED AS A CHILD; HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF; SHE PROBABLY GOT OVER IT AFTER A WHILE AND EVEN THOUGH WHEN SHE WAS UPSET IT WOULD ALL COME BACK BUT GENERALLY HAPPY THEN ONE DAY.. FLASHBACKS OF THE PAST COME BACK TO HER AND SHE IS DEPRESSED...CANT YOU SEE THATS WHY SHE DOESNT WANT SEX?!?AND STOP PUSHING HER YOU SELFISH BASTARD, SUPPORT HER THROUGH THIS!! FIRST MISTAKE IS KNOWINGLY ABOUT HER BEING DEPRESSED BECAUSE OF THE PAST AND THEN KEEP ASKING HER FOR SEXSECOND BIG MISTAKE IS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND MAKING HER MORE DEPRESSED!!when you talk to her about sex, you are talking about you and her, now she is going through a crisis and her brain has reprogrammed "sex" not as you two but of the past when she was abused, now..Its associated with all those bad memories and every time you mention it you bring them back up, shes fighting her brain to try and forget that stuff, she just pushes it back of her mind until it springs back to the front again, everytime you mention it youre doing that.....dont be one of those "give the bitch tablets to shut her up" attitude......SHES YOUR WIFE! RESPECT HER! SUPPORT HER! HELP HER!! Forget about the sex, youre a nasty bastard anyway im suprised you havn't met someone else to get the sex.
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (1 December 2005):
 Hi, I think you need to look a little deeper. Why are you assuming her lack of sex drive is because of her childhood experience - it might be, but it might not.
She might just be getting bored with the sex, is it routine in any way (always in the bedroom at night etc?)
She's a woman, she isnt going to 'tell' you, that would be too easy, you have to try to pick up little tiny signals and hints that they leave.
You may think you are good at communication with her, but how good at you at listening to her? She may drop little hints at what is wrong all through the day, but because they arent being spelled out for you, you may be oblivious to them.
Then again, it could be the childhood thing...
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