A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I got married almost a month ago. My wife and I have been together for three years and known each other for five. She had just gotten out of a seven year relationship when we met. He was her first love and they broke up because he was on drugs and refused to get sober. It was very raw and emotional for her, so I didn't pursue anything at first. But when we got together, I made sure to take things slow. We've been happy ever since.At our wedding, she started crying. I thought it was tears of joy but it was much harder. I asked what was wrong and she told me she was overwhelmed and needed a moment. I gave her some space and she calmed down and we enjoyed the rest of the day. Well, recently she told me the real reason she was crying was because she was thinking about her ex. She had always imagined that they would get married and is now processing that she will never get to share that special moment with him.She says she's still grieving over him but that she loves me and is happy to be in this relationship.I am trying to be understanding and comfort her but I also feel very hurt. I honestly feel like she will never love me like she loved him. I don't feel good enough anymore. I'm a bit angry knowing she was thinking about him on a day that was supposed to be about us. Does anyone have any advice? I'm just so confused.
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male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (1 September 2021):
 She has had a considerable amount of time to get over this breakup and to heal. After all this time she decides to tell you on what is supposed to be the most special day of your lives that she is crying over an ex, which also implies that she is not over him.
I mean come on OP, telling you on your wedding day. Had she told you before the wedding that she was still having these feelings you cold have processed it, and maybe postponed the wedding, or cancelled it altogether.
You should never enter into a new relationship/marriage if you are not completely over a previous relationship. And you should not have to be with someone who's mind is elsware with someone else, for me this would be a deal breaker.
A
male
reader, Anon21 +, writes (1 September 2021):
Hi OP this is a horrible situation with your wife. Your wife could have keep this information to herself but she chose not to, she maybe giving you a hint that she is not fully invested in this marriage. She should have dealt with the feelings for her ex boyfriend earlier not when she is getting married.
Talk to her and tell her how you feel about her statement, that it makes you feel second best. Ask her what if her ex boyfriend want to come back into her life etc and see what and how she says it. This thing with her ex boyfriend may all be on her side he may have moved on from her.
You and your wife could go to counseling. You could go by yourself if your wife does not want to go. Someone independent who can help you through the issues.
If things don't improve you could say to her that you want to separate until she deals with the issues with her ex boyfriend. Keep in mind this is a high risk strategy as your wife may contact her ex boyfriend or go and see him but at least you will know where you stand.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2021): Dude she just told you that if the ex shows up at your door clean, sober and with a ring she is out the door. If you can live with that fine. She also told you that you are a consolation prize. Personally I would not want to live my life waiting for that knock on the door or for my wife to get that special email or text from that special guy.
I also could not imagine laying next to a woman every night knowing that on the day we were married she was thinking about another man.
But that's just me! Sorry this happened to you. Best of luck whatever route you choose
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 OP I have to be honest with you... This is an absolute nightmare of a situation for you or for anyone to be in.
Could I make this work if I were you? No way. And I think your wife is a terrible person for even telling you this...I mean what the actual f**k! Who even says that to their spouse on the wedding day! Why the hell did she marry you, why the hell did she lead you on and does she really think that your lives will ever be the same again? This is literally supposed to be your honeymoon phase and then this is happening! And I can't understand why you're trying to comfort HER!
If it were me, this marriage would be over.
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A
male
reader, Anon21 +, writes (31 August 2021):
I am sorry that you are going through this. Your wife could have kept this information to herself but she callously told you about it. She could be hinting that she is not fully invested in this marriage.
You should sit down with her and talk about it. Tell her how you feel about her revelation and ask where she stands with you and her ex boyfriend etc. You and your wife could go to counseling but you should go by yourself if your wife does not want to go. Someone independent would can help you through the issues.
If this does not improve you could tell her you are separating to give her time to work out how she feels about her ex boyfriend and you. Keep in mind this is a high risk strategy as she might contact the ex boyfriend and go to see him etc, but at least you will know where you stand.
I wish you well
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): At some point in our lives we get baggage. We cease to be "new", things happen to us. We love. We lose. That's a fact. The trick is to learn how to accept and deal with things. Know things for what they are.
You are NOT your wife's sister/mother/best friend/shrink, you shouldn't be the one she's unloading this stuff on.
I'm not condemning her for what she may sometimes feel, what's not fair is how she acts. On your wedding day no less.
She's an adult and she made a choice to be with you and then marry you. Though marriage may not e a final choice, people get divorced all the time, it certainly should be a happy one at the moment it is made! Otherwise, what's the point?
I never EVER made my husband feel second best. Never. I love him, respect him, take care of him... but the fact is, had one man turned out to be what he could have been long time ago, I never even would have noticed my husband. But he wasn't. The choices he made weren't mine. And that's that. I sometimes dream of him. He sometimes drifts back into my thoughts. But these are just thoughts! It's how you deal with them that counts. There were fleeting moments, when I would feel again love for this man and wonder how is - they are fewer an farther a part as years go by. I never contacted him, even though he wrote to me to tell he how I was the love of his life. I don't think he knows what this means. I know he loves me in some way, but loving someone as a "love of your life" is a choice, the one you have to keep making every day, buy honoring the one you profess to love.
Your wife shouldn't treat you as her best friend, you are her partner and she shouldn't make you feel as her second choice.
But now you know:
1. You ARE her second choice
2. She has no problem telling you this and expecting you to treat her as she was your 1st
For me, that's a deal-breaker. Not because my ego would be hurt, but because I truly believe that I deserve to be treated the way I treat my partner. And I think that I deserve the chance to find someone to love that way and have him love me. So why staying?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): Break up with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 August 2021):
 wow, that was totally uncalled for!
How callous of her! TBH this would be a deal-breaker for me. Absolutely.
I think you need to talk to her. Or you will start to resent her and second guess EVERYTHING she says and does.
No one should FEEL like they are second best. The "well I couldn't get A so I'll settle for B" type scenario.
I would have been SO hurt too.
She has had 5 years to process the break-up and she CHOOSES your wedding day to reminisce? Seriously?
I'd look into some marriage counseling asap. Even if you have only been married for 5 minutes. It might be good to have a neutral 3rd party in this talk.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 August 2021):
 Wow, that must have been tough to hear. She could easily have glossed over it and said she was crying because she was happy, or missing someone who wasn't there (not her ex, of course, but a friend or family member) or even that it was just the emotion of the day. Actually telling you point blank she was crying over her ex was nothing short of brutal and sadistic (in my opinion), almost like she was trying to make you suffer because she was suffering. If that was the way she felt, she should not have married you. I can fully understand why you feel like a plan B, a consolation prize, second best, someone she settled for because she could not have the one she wanted.
You now have this information and the ball is in your court regarding what to do about it. It is very kind of you to try to comfort her but, honestly, can you actually forgive her and move on from this, knowing that, even on your wedding day, she was crying over him?
I think you two really need to talk. If you do decide to stay together, I would say she has a lot of making up to do
I'm sorry your marriage has been tainted from the outset. It must be tough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2021): Like marrying someone who has been married before, or someone who obsessed over their first-love; you can't place yourself in the no-win position of comparing the feelings someone has for you, with how they felt about somebody else. You have the capacity to fall in-love again. It's very hard to quantify what you mean to another person; because there is no means to measure feelings on an accurate scale. It's emotional, not scientific. You judge their love by their actions and how you're treated.
Don't forget that so-called fond memory of her ex is tainted with the fact he was a drug-addict. She's only human, the devil likes to drop A-bombs on our happiness by drudging-up past regrets and sorrows. Should-haves, could-haves, and would-haves will visit us from time to time. He is no competition. He failed when it was his chance. She shouldn't drag her past baggage into her present. People don't often realize what hurt they've caused until the shoe is on the other foot. One of the flaws in human nature. Sometime people can't accept God's blessing without finding something smelly to toss on it. That gives the devil a smile.
I was in a relationship with someone for 28 years who died of cancer. What I had with my first partner was based on my feelings at that time. Time and experience has separated me from who I was then. That relationship is all a memory; and the love is now gone dormant. I still miss him sometimes, and then I don't. If I had to compare my current relationship with the one in the past; I'd say it's 100 times better. A whole different personality, more kindness, more patience, and so much more peaceful. I'll never forget the other; but it's now only a fond memory. The present is where we live, not the past.
Yes, you may recall people you've loved in the past; but her feelings are now centered on someone tangible, in the present, and totally different. You are loved for your own unique qualities. Perhaps there are some coincidental similarities; but you are loved for who YOU are, not for how you compare to others. No two loves are created equal!
I think it was weird and uncaring for her to even mention such a thing to her groom. Look what seeds she has now sown! She has just unsettled your trust. That can be repaired; it was just one of those thoughts that crosses your mind. Do you understand? Forget-about-it!!!
Now you have to bring this thing to rest. Tell her how it made you feel to tell you such a thing. Let her process the thoughtlessness behind it. Then you have to move on. You're starting a new chapter together; and the other guy is just a bad-memory. It wasn't meant to be. All he had to offer her was misery; and you can bring her a new love and happiness. It will not always be perfect; but you don't have the flaws that ended her other relationship. You had three years to prove it.
Look forward! She's your new bride; and she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Now it's out in the open. Bury it! Now put it to rest. You've got the rest of your lives together to push him deep into "the world of forgetfulness of exes who couldn't cut-it!" You're the better choice. You're the present. Through you, she is correcting that big mistake.
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