A
male
age
41-50,
*r. Smith
writes:Can someone explain why is it that my wife could have sex in every sort of way possible with different men and now that I am her husband I am stuck with just nothing. I literally have to beg her for sex...she never wants to experiment like she did wth other men. what am I to do???
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 October 2011):
 Male anon why don't you take your pity party elsewhere, because no woman on here has been crying out for candle-lit dinners. Your post is just a load of you know what, and doesn't have any roots in reality. Perhaps you should read again that what I DID write is that no woman should make a man do thinks he feels uncomfortable with either.
Making up things is just what a person does when he has no arguments to come with. It just shows how little your words are worth. Maybe next time try to make a real argument, based on relevant and real facts. And if your woman at home makes you do things you do not want, and you bring this aggression in here.. well then I have one thing to say to you: her not respecting you does not make it right for you to not respect other women. Instead you should learn how to stand up for yourself as an adult and have an adult conversation about how things should be in a relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): A person who demands something unpleasant from their spouse and won't let up mainly just because of the knowledge that they did it before, does not respect their spouse.
A person who was more willing to please meaningless sex partners from their past than they will do for their spouse, does not respect their spouse either.
Figure out where you two can meet in the middle.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Men are not possessions! Women do not have a right to expect love, romance, and candlelit dinners from a man just because he was romantic and loving with other women in the past! Women treat men like they are servants or something. The women who expect this have landed in the wrong century. Women don't own men! Men own themselves!
What a man does with his time and how he feels are his own damn business! I don't know why that is so hard for women to understand! Men don't "owe" their wives anything!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 October 2011):
I state again, this has nothing to do with the past men she was with, and please forbid we grew out of the cave ages and stopped looking at women as a possession, belonging to the man. If they are married, he has no "right" to sex, and if he's with her he's got no "right" to have whatever she gave other men in the past. Because SHE owns HERSELF, YOU do not own her.
I don't get why that is so hard to understand. Regardless of whatever she did in the past, your problem is not that she did this or that in the past and wont do it now. Your problem is, and always will be, that she doesn't want to do something that YOU want to do. And then you try to bring up her past as some fuel to the fire, to win an argument. As if sex should be an argument and about winning and losing. As if you have some "rights" you are not given, as if she's promised you something she's not giving you.
OP, this isn't directed only towards you, but towards other men on here too. If you wanted a woman who belongs to you and does your every bidding you have landed in the wrong century. What a woman does with her body in these modern ages is her own damn business, not anyone else's, and if you marry her you do not get any "rights" to her body. It was not long ago that men could rape their wives and call it their right. To claim that because of your marriage, and because of her past, you have some rights to her ass, or any other sexual things you desire against her will, is just the same mind-set. It is quite a masculist viewpoint.
This type of thinking shows a lack of respect for women and their right to their own body.
Now, it could be of course that this is not the way you are thinking, or that I am getting the situation all wrong. And I am aware of that. But just to be clear, if you expect something out of your wife on the sole basis that she's done things before in the past, then that shows a lack of respect for women. It shows an objectification of women. And that is something that bodes trouble for your relationship with any women in the future.
You do not have rights to sexual favours grounded in past experiences. You do however, as her husband, have the right to seek intimacy and build on your marriage. Sex is important, while not everything, to a marriage/relationship. But let it be clear then that you can not, on any ground, expect your wife to do things against her will. A normal healthy sex life, sure, but explicit things she is dead set against.. you'll just have to live without those. I am certain there are things she has not done in the past that she still isn't willing to do either, and complaining about those things will get you nowhere as well. I am also sure there are things you yourself aren't keen to do, and I do not see how your wife could claim any right to have you perform things you yourself do not wish to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Tell her you used to spend a lot of money on your previous lovers but now you are "over it". So you will not spend a lot of money on her like you did for them.Good point. Just tell her that she's jealous and insecure that you used to take your exes out to nice restuarants, buy them flowers, go away on romantic weekends with them, etc. Tell her you did those things with other women because you thought you had to in order for them to like you. But, you never really liked it all that much, and it's all just "in the past". Tell her you went through a crazy "romantic stage" when you were younger, but you realize now that it was a mistake and you regret it. Tell her the other women just used you for all the nice cards, flowers, and romantic getaways, but she's special because you don't have to worry if she likes you or not so you don't have to do any of those things with her. She's so special that just going out for burgers once a week is enough for her! Tell her your relationship with her is "different" than it was with all those other women you used to buy flowers forIt is so irrational to think about the past and compare relationships.
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male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (7 October 2011):
Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Odds... for me sex is not important but certainly a part of being married. I completely agree with your point. I am completely aware of my child's well being...that being said, I guess I'll have to suck it up and roll with the punches.
Thank you all!!!!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 October 2011):
 If Tisha's information is accurate, then it looks like the problem runs a bit deeper than I had originally thought. I would characterize it as two fundamentally reasonable propositions being pushed in unreasonable ways.
Let me elaborate. A women who has tried, say, anal sex, only to find she really dislikes it, would be well within reason to say she does not want to do it again. On the other hand, a husband would be well within reason to want his wife to be *at least* as sexually adventurous and open with him as she had been with men before him (let's face it, jealousy is one thing, but knowing that your wife is less giving of herself to her husband than to some random drunk she banged in a bathroom is another - and that could certainly apply with the genders swapped).
However, continuously pushing the issue in the form of begging and shaming her is every bit as unreasonable as cutting you off from sex. While normally I would suggest that the best compromise would be for her to let you try it once or twice, then for you to let her alone afterwards, in this case, pushing the issue so much leads me to think that the problem is not anal sex, it's that you married her when you were unprepared for all that entailed to begin with. Looking at the suggestion I offered before Tisha dug up the other posts, I'd say I doubt it will work given the history here.
If you have a kid, divorce will wreck the poor child, but that's basically your only option if you really want adventurous sex. Hopefully the kid is more important than that - but it does not preclude trying to restore a regular, somewhat less adventurous sex life. Work up to it, and never, ever beg for anything under any circumstances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): i have been there , but have stayed with my wife.we have been married close to 30 years, and it still bothers me worse now than ever. when she was a teenager ( i have very lite info from her ) she had 7 or 8 guys in a 10 or 12 month time period. and the worst part is i knew her before hand. when we was first married sex was few and far in between. i use to tell her she was cold as fridge. i look back and believe it was because she was regretful of her past, and it came back haunting her. over the years our sex life has been good, and our marriage has been good. but her past still bothers me a lot, and it seems the longer we have been together the closer we become the more it bothers me. i am afraid it will bother me( haunt me ) till the day i die , and the only reason it bothers me is i can not stand the thoughts of other guys touching her ( intimately ) the way they did, and her giving herself over to them so easily. it seems like it is always own my mind at least once daily, i try and block it from my thoughts. at times i can block it out ok . this could be what is going on with your wife, but my wife has refuse,s and chose,s to not talk about her past over the years. and all i can do is respect her choice to not talk, and i look back wishing i would have got more answers,and the answers that i felt that i needed before we was married.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Tell her you used to spend a lot of money on your previous lovers but now you are "over it". So you will not spend a lot of money on her like you did for them. Say that you feel comfortable with her. Tell her that instead of being angry about it, she should be happy that you feel comfortable enough with her not to do things that you don't really want to anymore.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2011):
 I've just re-read your questions. Your expectations of "normal" and hers are different. Despite popular porn depictions, anal sex is NOT "normal" for most women. It is not "fun" or "exciting" or "special" for a lot of women. It can hurt like the dickens, in a way I don't expect you'll understand until you've had a object of similar size up your rectum, being pushed back and forth. Add the obvious anger you hold toward her to the mix and there is no way she'd be happy to have anal sex. A woman has to be happy and relaxed and the situation you've described pretty clearly indicates she is unhappy and tense about your sex life now.
I expect you've been cut off from sex because you kept trying to get her to do things she's said "no" to already. Perhaps you try to get your finger up her anus as part of your sex play? Toy around a little there in the anal area? She probably got sick of saying "no" to anal sex and as a result lost all interest in having sex with you, as you don't seem to be able to take "no, I don't like anal sex" as a FINAL answer, not the start of some sexual negotiation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2011):
Aren't you the guy who wants anal sex? She had it in the past and didn't like it. She says 'no' because it hurts.
If you cannot cope with a lack of anal sex then you need to move on and find another woman who will be willing to accommodate your 'needs.'
Did you ever get to counseling? WITH your wife?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-had-a-promiscuous-past-before-we.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/regretting-marrying-my-wife-as-she-isnt-the.html
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 October 2011):
This is one of the risks of marrying a promiscuous woman - not only do you face the normal risk that her interest in sex will drop off, but you'll know (if not details, then at least generally) that she has it in her to be wild and fun. It's not fair, I know; you put aside the traditional avoidance of promiscuous women in order to be with her, and don't even get the benefit that is supposed to come from sluts. I would say divorce her and move on, but if that not an option you're willing to entertain, you can try a few other things (no guarantee they'll work, though).
First, understand her mindset. She's had great sex with powerful, attractive, dominant, confident men. It'd be like if you had sex with Jessica Alba lookalikes in your past. And part of the appeal of those men was that she could never lock them down - they were free spirits and she could not control them. That drives chicks wild. Marriage effectively removed your ability to easily walk away, so it took away the challenge. Sluts need the thrill to get off, and while you may very well be capable of being thrilling, you're at a severe handicap by being married. And she has several very vivid memories to compare that thrill to.
There is the possibility that she is regretful and disturbed about her past actions and now just doesn't like sex at all. That happens, but I think it's only a minority of cases like yours where that's true. More likely she has some idea in her head that wild sex is for when she's young, and now that she's "had her fun" it's time to settle down (the female equivalent of the virgin-whore dichotomy).
Second, now that you know the possible causes, determine if it is a serious revulsion towards sex in general. If so, get her professional help, and/or divorce her (chances of success are pretty low). If not, skip to step three.
Third, stop supplicating, stop pampering, stop putting her on a pedestal. You are now the boss of your own private universe. And in your private universe, you are always confident (even cocky), awesome, attractive, and the master of your own happiness. You can have good days and bad days, but only you decide how you react. How this attitude translates to the real world is that you need to stop letting your wife's actions affect you. You are inviting her into your private universe, but if she doesn't want to come, that's her loss and it won't stop you.
Foreplay starts when you wake up. Get up in the morning, enjoy the coffee and give her a big hug, or hold her from behind, or kiss her, anything. Do it for five to ten seconds, minimum. Pinch her ass or do something cocky when you're done with the nice stuff. When you get back home from work, repeat the procedure. If she tries to bother you with problems or complaints when you get home, politely but firmly shush her, and tell her that unless there's a fire, any problems can wait at least twenty minutes. Again, this is your private universe, and you dictate when you will hold court for problems. Flirt and be playful the rest of the evening. No mushy stuff like long walks or nice dinners; this is about fun and energy.
One night, have a long makeout session before bed. The next night, finger her, and don't even bring up reciprocation (but don't stop her if she chooses to - though I doubt she will just yet). The next night, move her hand into place and let her reciprocate. If she chooses not to, let it go. Repeat that until she gives you a handjob, then the next night, go down on her. Night after that, go down on her, then when she's good and satisfied, lean back and put your arms behind your head so she'll take the hint. If she doesn't take it, repeat the procedure the next night. The night after *that*, pull her aside during the evening for a makeout session, then step into any place but the bedroom where you can get a little privacy (the whole house is open if you don't have kids; the laundry room might work, as an example, if you do have kids). Then bang her in there.
If at any point you've gone more than three or four days of pleasuring her without reciprocation, or she has refused to even be pleasured, then I'm out of ideas, and it may be time for divorce. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): Their partner can get the retroactive jealousy when they are sex starved and wondering why they don't get laid in the bedroom with the blinds drawn and the kids quieted down, when they full well know that their partner was having sex in the park behind a tree just a few years ago and told them when they got together how much they "love sex". Which makes the partner who isn't getting it think "what's wrong with me" type of mental activity.I'm not the OP, but you hit the nail on the head. There's nothing quite like knowing that a couple years ago your wife was telling her boyfriend (who she now says was a complete loser) that she couldn't wait for him to ram his man meat in her, but constantly tells you she's too tired, etc. (even though she exactly the same job, etc. as she used to). The frosting on the cake is having a wife that nags and complains if you don't do everything for her, even though she couldn't wait to bend over for some guy who treated her like dirt. That really makes a man feel special.Of course, the reality is that what one finds to be sexually attractive in another person and the traits one needs in another person for a long term relationship are two entirely different things. Given that most people have plenty of sexual partners before they get married, most people will have been much more sexually attracted to someone other than their eventual spouse. Women tend to get married to a guy who is stable, etc., not the one they had the best sex with. Typically, they've gotten plenty of it before they got married, and it's just not that big of a deal for them by the time they decide to settle down. (I realize these are huge generalizations, but this is what I've seen)Your choices are to 1) let it drive you nuts; 2) accept it, 3)become a hermit; 4) get divorced and screw lots of women and forget about having a "relationship"; 5) try to change your wife's sexual desires(good luck!); 6)move on to someone else; 7) cheat on your wife; or 8)convince your wife to swing. But, 1 and 6 are more or less the same because odds are it won't be much different with someone else.So far, I've tried 2 and 5 without success, which leads to back to 1.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): "I am somewhat confused as to why you're bringing up her past, which shows little to no respect for your wife."This has nothing to do with respect, if he didn't respect his wife he could be shagging the next horny woman he works with, and not matter how this guy looks, or feels about how he looks, or how he acts or even if he is a total jerk, eventually some woman will offer it up...and odds are she will be younger, have low self esteem, and will offer him a quick random screw in a car or park or office or bathroom and it will seem so "awesome" that if he can't resolve the situation with his wife he will go for it.So, stop beating up on the guy. Yes, the current situation in the marriage is the problem, but the reason it is happening is in the past.To all you young people giving out wisdom about how to handle the past, wait till you are 30 years older and realize that the past is ALWAYS with us. It is how we handle it that makes the difference. Anyone who thinks their past isn't going to affect their future is FOS and will learn that as they get older and go through their divorces and job changes, unless they are blissfully unaware and ignorant their entire life.To the original poster, lots of women, and men, have lots of "adventurous" sex when they are younger, they do wild stuff in awkward places, and when they get with a new partner they talk about it. Then, the new partner at some point turns out to be "the one" that they want to spend their life with. That is when their regrets sneak in, when they start thinking "I wish he/she didn't know that" or "I wish I'd never done this".This leads to not retroactive jealousy, which a lot of people talk about, but to deep seated regret. Their partner can get the retroactive jealousy when they are sex starved and wondering why they don't get laid in the bedroom with the blinds drawn and the kids quieted down, when they full well know that their partner was having sex in the park behind a tree just a few years ago and told them when they got together how much they "love sex".Which makes the partner who isn't getting it think "what's wrong with me" type of mental activity.Unfortunately, the person who has those regrets often has them brought to mind by the other person trying to have a normal sexual life and attempting to expand their sexual experience with the person who has the regrets.So, it becomes a vicious cycle.If this is going on in your marriage, you need to get professional counseling help from a good counselor, a marital counselor, and you need to get in there and both of you need to talk.If you don't, then one or the other is going to take a walk in the side in the end, because sex is an important part of any long term marital relationship.Get professional help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): I am somewhat confused as to why you're bringing up her past, which shows little to no respect for your wife. Instead of looking to her past for questions, you should focus on what you're doing wrong that turns her off. It could be your attitude about her past or it could be that you guys have lost that spark that once made the two of you happy. Try marriage counseling or sit with her and discuss your issues.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 October 2011):
How did you find out about what your wife did to other men in the past?
Did you and her have sex before you married, was she adventurous then, and then after marriage it stopped? Because if so then that's a different question. If she was this was in the bedroom before you married as well, then why would you expect her to change once you got married?
In either scenario, this has nothing to do with men of the past, but is a current problem, not rooted in past experiences, but is very much a problem of the presence. You need to talk to your wife about your sex life, without focusing on lose ideas of past this or that. You do not know what your wife has done/felt in the past. If she has given you details you should tell her that her sharing such things with you makes you feel bad, and no one wants to hear details about what their partner did sexually with others. But in either case you do not know the full story, and more than likely your imagination is filling in the gaps.
So stick to what you do know: the sex in your marriage isn't working, and you must talk to your wife about this and find out a solution that will work for the both of you. This is not at all related to whatever scenario she told you about from the past. This is about you and her and the presence.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): I'm in somewhat the same situation. I came to the conclusion that there's no way of knowing the answer.
Perhaps she was more sexually turned on by the other men. Perhaps she thought she needed to do those things for other men to like her, but she's happy she doesn't need to now with you. Perhaps she's at a time in her life where she just isn't as interested in sex as she was in the past. Perhaps she thinks that sort of sex isn't loving or proper for a married couple.
Bringing it up and pressuring her probably won't help anything. In my experience, she probably won't change much and you might as well learn to live with it, or find a different woman.
The worst things in life are free.
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female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (4 October 2011):
Let her past be her past and focus on the current problem, which is the sex life you have together. Sex drives change due to a number of reasons: hormones, stress, interest or lack thereof. If you've been married to her over a year and or less than five years then its common that sex will decrease. Most females including myself start off with high adventurous sex drives and over time with that partner it dwindles. Thousands of men and women are currently in your position with a partner who seem sexless. Many say its a wonderful marriage outside not being sexually intimate, which in turn make many suffering individuals feel like all they have is a roommate. I suggest you try to find out by asking how's her level of stress right now with marriage family school working parenting etc., try to see if any of this may have lessen her desire. Or if she has gained weigh this may have affected her self esteem making her uncomfortable naked and being seen. It could be she has already hit her sex drive peek and now its on the decline again which is natural, in about a decade it'll hike back up. Or it could be that she doesn't find u satisfying and would rather go without sex and don't want to risk hurting your feelings. Lastly, it could be she's just not sexually in the mood. The only way to approach this is by asking....but you absolutely must ask in a non offending way otherwise you won't be getting any for some time to come. Tell its affecting you psychologically which obviously is true since you've post this question. And let her know that you're trying to understand while accepting her reasons for not wanting sexual intimacy but at the same time you're trying to accept this you're feeling rejected and lonely. Ask her to meet you halfway, to make sex dates once a week out of love for the other person or at least once every two weeks. Compromise. It means she may not be adventurous with u at all but you will get biweekly sex. Get to a therapist if this can't help. Good luck
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 October 2011):
Hi there. How do you know this - that she was adventurous with other men in her past?
Was she adventurous with you before you married her?
And if she wasn't, did she say to you what she used to do in her previous relationships?
Because, you haven't actually explained this.
And if this is the case - that she mentioned it to you - it might have been better for her to say nothing to you at all about it. Then you would be blissfully unaware.
Now you are wondering what you must be missing, which is leaving you feeling somewhat disappointed.
Well, at least she isn't saying no to sex, because that would be yet another problem entirely. So at least be thankful that it's not complete abstinence by her. That's something to feel positive about.
Being adventurous doesn't have to be about sexual positions, it can also be having sex in different locations.
For instance, on a weekend when you both have more time you could pack up a nice picnic lunch for yourselves and after your lunch, you could go for a nice bush walk in a secluded forest and you might feel inclined to make love somewhere along the track. Making sure, you have complete privacy of course.
Another idea is if you go out for dinner one night, on the way home stop somewhere and make love in the car. Just find a quiet spot where you won't be disturbed or seen - like near a beach. Take a blanket to cover yourselves for extra privacy and so you don't get cold. Oh and don't the tissue box!
That's only two ideas. The only limit is your imagination.
Perhaps your wife is a little low in energy these days. The answer to that is why don't you go for regular walks together after you both get home from work and before you have your evening meal. Walk for about 30 minutes to about an hour, and you can talk while you walk.
When you talk, don't automatically bring up about her not wanting to be adventurous in the bedroom. Leave that subject as "off limits".
The reason I say this, is you don't want her to feel pressured about it, which could make her feel that the walking was for the soul purpose of trying to talk her into being adventurous with sex. So you don't want that.
And the reason I suggested walking together, is that exercise is a great way to increase your energy, as well as relax and unwind at the end of a busy day.
And don't just walk once and never do it again. You need to walk every night if you can manage it. And at least 5 days a week, and make it a regular habit.
A pretty good level of fitness begins within a week or two.
And when people have more energy, they also have more energy to make love and just live life to the fullest.
When you feel fit you have more energy to do everything!
Why don't you give it a go? You have nothing to lose.
It's certainly a good place to start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): I have been in this situation where my lover had no sexual interest in me. She would much rather sleep with someone else, and be starving me of what I really did need even if it was a little. I told her how I felt, that i wanted being thought of as who I am, "Your Lover," and not as a pal or a person who you only wanted to hang out with when you are bored. We do play here and there now because I stopped begging and saying I want sex from you, it become boring begging for some fun if you know what I mean ;), but it is time to have a simple talk and stop begging it makes her realize that if you want to beg for her body then....so do all the other men. If she is really hurting you I think you should leave or ask her what she is thinking when she is with other people. Just talk that sometimes is the best eye opener anyone could ever receive :)
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