A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are approaching our 9th wedding anniversay we are both 33, we've been together for 14 years, and it's all falling to pieces, we have had many years of heart ache and trouble with her family and to be honest my intollance of how they behaved towards her rather than letting her deal with it I would wade in and have a go.We have had 2 lovely children since we got married they really are great, but we've also had an eptopic and we had a termination last year, due to me worrying about money, and she has a really bad back and I was worried that another pregancy would finnsh it off, the doctor had advised it might not be a good idea, and that frightend me, but I stopped her going to the first appointment, but was worried about it and she then toke the discision to go ahead later in the week, I did'nt try and stop her, this is what is ripping us apart now, she also had a child when she was 16 that she had adopted, this has always been a problem for her, which I can understand and knew about with in a week of us meeting and it never bothered me.In the past few months I have also been very unwell and spent over a month in hospital that was 70 miles away, she came every day with out fail to see me, but since I've been home she has told me that she is unhappy and doesn't know what to do about it and the only way she can see it being ok is if we spilt up, now I have been sat here, unable to think of anything else but sorting this out and I have pushed and kept on at her when I should just step back and give her some space. I don't want us to seperate I love her dearly and she loves me, I know she does, but she can't seem to see a way out, she says she feels ground down and wrung out by me, I am at a loss, she is loved by every one, and since my near death experience in hospital I have changed a lot and things that bothered me don't any more, but it's too little too late. She is completely against trying anything other than not talking about it at the moment, I love her so much.Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I think I can see why she wants to separate from you. You arn't eh man she married, you have changed. Even if it was no fault of your own, it will be very hard for her to change her feelings of dissapointment.
You also display some controlling and clingy behaviour. You were the one who came between her and her family. She should have been allowed to sort things out in her own way, if she chose not to deal with her troubles, then that is her business. You also took control over the pregnancy that she terminated. Did she have a choice to keep the baby?...or did you have to get your own way?...I wonder if she has been allowed to make any decisions?
Your illness was not your fault (unless it was brought on by drinking or smoking)but it has put unbearable pressure on your wife. The dynamic has changed and that is very unsettling, so you should cut her some slack for that!
She feel ground down and wrung out because she feels she has no choice. She has been through some very traumatic events and having a child adopted would affect how she feels over her children now (including the one she terminated at your request).
Give her some time and space, don't nag or hound her, but try to find some understanding about how you have made her feel and accept responsibility for it. I am sure you are a good loving husband and dad and that you want to get things right...you need to begin to build yourself up and work towards becoming the man she fell in love with to attract her back.
You also need to be less controlling and clingy. Controlling behaviour comes from low self esteem, so you really need to look to yourself and seek some help to bring back your belief in yourself.
Sorry for the tough talk but its the way I see your problem as a whole and from an objective point of view based on the information you have given.
I hope you find a way to put things right.
Good luck x
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