A
male
age
41-50,
*utisticLAGuy
writes:My wife (34f) and I (36m) have been married for just over six years and in many ways have an ideal marriage and are very much still in love. Despite two kids, we still have sex 2 - 3 times per week. We still find time for getaways nearby beaches, hiking in the redwood forests, regular dates, etc. We have two kids together (8 and 5), both of which have ASD (autism). They are wonderful, creative, and ridiculously handsome, but there is no doubt that our autistic kids are much, much, much more challenging to raise than “typical” kids of the same age. I know that’s not always the case, but it definitely is in our case. We often find that other parents can’t really relate the the many challenges of raising an autistic kid, much less two who are relatively “high functioning.” Recently we started talking about having a third kid to round out the family — third time’s the charm, right? At the top of her list is ensuring that the next kid is not autistic, something we both agree on.At this point, I should mention that it’s obvious that autism runs in my family. My grandfather was definitely autistic and I strongly suspect my father is as well. I’ve received a formal diagnosis nearly 10 years ago that I have high-functioning autism. It’s never held me back, I own my own legal firm, but neither my wife nor I were surprised. I’ve always been good at the details of my work and that has certainly served me well. She’s informally brought up adoption in the past, but honestly neither of us are too excited with that — something I don’t really want to get into. So, my wife would like to use a sperm donor / AI to ensure our next kid is autism free. I love my wife more than anything, so regardless of what happens, we’re staying together. And I get where she’s coming from — another autistic kid might be too much to handle, and she’s already given me two wonderful kids — but I have some deep buried evolutionary impulse that cringes at the idea. I grudgingly agreed after some time to consider it and she seems really excited. It’s all a lot to process, so I’m not sure what I’m asking exactly. For someone not in a similar situation, I can see how this would be ridiculous. But, Has anyone been in a similar situation? I worry about (eventually) explaining everything to our other kids. I worry about explaining things to the (new) kid down the road (we agree we would definitely tell). I worry about the sperm bank messing up and sending the wrong “material.” I worry about how I’ll feel about the kid. **TL;DR; : My wife wants to use a sperm donor to ensure that we have a kid with better genetics. I’m not sure how I feel about this. **.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018): I think your wife's idea is a terrible one that will tear the family apart. And I do not say this lightly. I think this is going to raise questions for you and her sons as to why she is so set on not having another child with high functioning autism when yes they have differences, but as you say, there are so many strengths. IF she wants another child it will have to be with YOU her husband for goodness sake! Wow- human beings have ALL kinds of "flaws" and diseases and everything else...just because you have a mild learning disability....well guess what the sperm donor might father a child with severe ADHD or anything else...there is no guarantee it will be an easier child. I think that the best option for you would be either having a kid that is both of yours, OR adoption where NEITHER parent has a biological tie and you BOTH are in the same place. This prevents issues of one parent holding the "bio" card over the other parent, and jealousy over the intimate act of taking another man's sperm into her body which naturally causes resentment that is unavoidable. I am going to make a STRONG case for adoption here. There are SO many amazing kids in the world that need a loving home. Some of my family members are adopted and they are amazing people who were given a great opportunity to have a life worth living. Why bring a third child into the world when there is so much overpopulation anyway- and if you are truly worried about passing on a condition, then this solves that problem. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like either of you have very open hearts to adoption. It seems like you both look on parenthood pretty selfishly. Most especially your wife, who isn't open to adoption herself, yet hypocritically wants you to accept essentially adopting her sperm donor baby that places HER as the bio mom and you as an accessory. She just seems the epitome of selfishness to be honest. I would tell her that if she goes ahead with this plan you will no longer be her husband.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 September 2018):
Your wife is essentially telling you that your children aren’t good enough for her? Man that has got to sting. I don’t know how anyone could be that cruel and selfish.
If you are not both on board with this crazy idea you should not go thru with it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2018):
 I agree with the others. There is something I'd like to bring up that your wife may not have thought about:
I see your age on here as 36-40 years old. Is your wife in the same age range?? If she is, then even with a sperm donor, she stands the risk of having another autistic child. Autism is also a possibility when parents are having children in their advanced years. Getting a sperm donor will not "ensure" anything except that your DNA will not be part of this next child.
I would suggest either making a child the "old-fashioned" way and having it be both of yours, or stopping at 2 children. Honeypie is right in pointing out that you're sending a big message to your existing children that you and your wife find them "inferior" right down to their DNA. Would your wife REALLY want to hurt her children in this fashion??
I don't know a lot about autism, but I do know that it doesn't make children inferior! Also, what does this say about your wife's feelings towards you?? That's kind of a slap in the face -- rejecting your genetics. One primary reason to be married is to reproduce!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2018):
 I think it's bad idea for all the reason mentioned by the other posters, plus : if you use a sperm bank, how would it work in practice ?
how would you you make sure that the donor does not carry autistic genes ?
In USA sperm donors are tested for a long list of genetic conditions , but not for autism. Just Google : " Cryobank California " and read about the offspring of
" donor X " who was selected by many families because of his very high I.Q., musical talent and " philosofical inclinations ". At least 5 of his kids turned out very intelligent, very musical… and severely autistic.
Plus, how would they test the donor extactly ? if the genes of autism have not been even securely detected and confirmed ? .. Yes, there are findings, yes there are studies, even very recent, but they are still far from being conclusive, the research is still at its initial stages.
As far as I know, at least, the possibility of making
" designer babies " who are free from certain diseases works well for some things ( say Tay-Sachs, or cystic fibrosis ) but not for others.
I guess you'd object : if I make a third child with my own sperm, the odds of having another autistic child are very high, but if I use a donor's sperm, how uncredibly, ridicolously unlucky should I be to get the sperm of an autism carrier ?
Very true, I guess indeed statistically the risk is low. And yet , if the purpose of the (costly ) procedure is to make 100% sure that your third child won't be autistic- I am afraid you cannot have that yet.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2018):
 Perhaps you two should stick with two kids? Kids with special needs no matter how functional DO require more work, attention and effort. Is that fair on #3?
I agree with janniepeg that the idea of trying to get a "normal" kid is showing your other two kids that they aren't "as good" as this new one. And another issue is that a sperm donor can have dormant genetic issues that combine with your wife's genes might play up. It is a role of the dice.
And you also set this potential "normal" kid OUTSIDE of the family.
Also, (and this is not to scare you) but there have been plenty of stories where a donor has over 100 offspring or the donor is NOT the one you chose.
If you aren't sure, I'd consider genetic counseling for a start. And perhaps also consider adoption? If that is the case the kid will be neither HERS or YOURS - but a kid who NEEDS a family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2018): I am the proud mother of a 13 year old, low functioning autistic son. He is my heart, my joy, and my biggest blessing in this life. I wish he could have a more normal life at times but define normal. You can't. I would never go to the extremes of having a typical child. It just seems extremely selfish to me. I've accepted the path that I've been dealt with.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 September 2018):
 If I'm honest, and please don't take this the wrong way, but you probably shouldn't be having any more children - autistic or not. You have a lovely family, why add to it?
Your children are no doubt your world, but it's life that autism is a challenging trait to deal with. Multiplied by two is harder. Add another child, whether they have autism or not, it will be even harder for many years to come.
I think it seems best to accept and adore the family you have, not risk the unity of your family by making it harder and stretching your finances and emotional tolerance even further.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 September 2018):
 If both you and your wife are not on the sand page regarding this then there is no way you should go ahead with it. Because if you look at it the way it is without any sugar-coating, it will just be your wife's baby. Not yours. You will basically be raising someone else's child.
I cannot imagine for the life of me how you wife is even suggesting something so incredibly selfish. If you're a parent then you love your child unconditionally. It doesn't matter how they are, what they look like or anything else. This is beyond ridiculous to me that she's so set on having a "normal" child. How is that going to change anything? Are these two kids of yours a burden for her? I'm sorry but she sounds like a very judgmental person. This is not unconditional love. This is as conditional as can be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2018): I have never been in your position but from an outsiders perspective I would say either don't have any more children or take the risk together with your wife. For all you know the new baby might have autism too even without you as the biological father.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2018):
 Kids are challenging. Period. You can have a normal kid who doesn't have sensitivity issues or speech problems, but other things unknown to you. The kid with the other father's gene may feel he doesn't really belong. When he grows up he feels a lot of pressure to be better than the other two children since he's the "normal" one. If you had to explain to the two older kids while he's the different one, you can't tell them because they have some defect and then mom wants perfect genes. This would anger them. You might have to tell a lie such as fertility issues, which is wrong.
I myself am in the spectrum too. Although I was an easy child because I never demanded attention (I shunned them), I had difficulties growing up in a school environment where it was important to fit in. I also got depression. There were times I wished my mom would give me better genes. I grew to love and accept myself. That maturing process would be much easier if my parents just accepted me and not forced me to be normal, such as having friends when I preferred to be alone.
If you go ahead and have a third child who is "normal," your two kids get the message that they are the defected ones and that mom needs an experience to have a normal child, as if having two autistic children ruined her early experience as a mom. The third child would always serve as a reminder that they are not enough. That thought would be the opposite of rounding a family. Your family is perfect enough. Having a third child with a different gene is more like fitting a wrong piece of puzzle in. You are successful in life because of the person you are, and maybe because of your spectrum it allows you to focus on tasks with exceptional ability. If I were you I would just tell her you are done with children. I suspect she just wants to have an experience of having a normal child, as if the past 8 years of parenting robbed her life somehow. Maybe she overestimated the experience of normal. She must be thinking other moms have is so easy. If your wife is sulking about the idea of having more children (normal or not), your marriage is not as ideal as you thought it would be.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 September 2018):
 The person of most importance in this potential scenario is the child you are going to produce and rear. If you cannot open your heart to a child fathered by another man (there is no grey area here - you either can or you can't; everyone is different), then you should not even consider allowing this to happen. You cannot FORCE yourself to feel something you do not feel.
You have severe misgivings about your wife having a child from another man's sperm, and I can totally understand that. Some people can naturally take ANY child under their wing and love it, while others are quite selective and can only bond with their own children. To all intents and purposes, this WILL be your own child but YOU will know it has been fathered by someone else.
I don't know much about the ins and outs of genetics or how they impact on autism, but I do know there is no such thing as a guarantee that you will not have an autistic child, even if there is no history of autism in the biological parents' family. Also, if you read up on it, studies show that there are believed to be other causes of autism than genetics. How would you feel if, after all this effort and sacrifice on your part, the child was autistic anyway? Even if it was not autistic, I suspect you would struggle to bond with it and to love it, purely because you would feel it was not "yours".
I think you and our wife need professional counselling on this subject with someone who can give you not only support and help you talk through your feelings, but also someone who can give you more information.
Perhaps the best way forward would be to count your blessings - two gorgeous children who are "different" - and consider your family complete?
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