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male
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*jstaleyams
writes: My wife told me today that I have to choose her and the kids or my parents. I feel that this is the most painful decison anyone ever has to make and definetly should not have to make. My wife and I have been married for 2 years we have a 4 mos old daughter and she has 2 older boys from a previous marriage. The problem between my wife and parents has been going on for almost our entire relationship. My mom and dad both have said some bad things about my wife but they want to talk to her but she refuses to talk to them and absolutely will not have anything to do with them. She says that they are not welcome in our house and they are not to call the house or the cell phone. My dad has only seen my daughter once and only for like an hour. My mom has not seen her much more than that. I lie to my mom and my wife to try to keep the peace in our lives. I cannot do this anymore I am so scared to leave yet I am so miserable. If I were to leave I would have to quit my job and move home to stay with my parents that is the only way I could make it through this. If anyone out there has similiar problems please help. I need guidance I can not exclude my parents from my daughters life. To make things worse my wife and I had a good streak after my daughter was born and I went and got a vasectomy, and now I am so upset because my daughter is growing so fast and my parents are missing it all and I will never be able to give them another grandchild. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sunystar4  +, writes (14 October 2010):
I know this is way old post...but I am a wife feeling the same as your wife. I do want to say somethings:The first part of the bible is about man and wife...marriage. Not parents and birth of children. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” There is way more verses in the bible about marriage and roles, responsibilites than there is in parents and children. Pretty much, we are to honor are parents and our parents should not provoke us to anger. You can honor your parents from placing the distance your wife ask for. You are honoring them by not allowing anger to be provoked. Good luck as I know this is hard. Been fighting the battle for 4 years myself. His mother is a liar and hypocrite. She claims to be the self righteous prophetess christian. But she told her son to leave me while I was pregnant with our second child and terminally ill. Yet she cheated in her marriage and my husband is born from another man. He was lied to for 22 years. She hates that I can see right through her and I want submit to her authority and control. I have accomplished way more in my life than she has. She even mimics what I do. She tries to be like me more and more when I do go around. Yet she always disrespects me and my children, her blood grandchildren. She favors his first 2 kids by 2 different women. The second one, he had an affair with and she has tried to break us apart from day one. His mother helps her. Yet I am wrong for standing up to it? HELL NO....but I am to the point that I am bout ready to call it quits since he will not confront her behaviours...and by the way...he agree's with everything I have said, seen, and feel....its all came to light. Yet he does not speak against it. So he will end up losing a very good woman and 2 beautiful children as well as 2 step kids. He will end up living the life his mom wants for him for her own reasons of control and authority in his life. DO WHAT YOUR WIFE ASK.....you will keep much more peace than you realize. You chose to marry your wife til death do you part, why so hard to choose her now.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (4 March 2006):
 By the way vasectomies are NOT always successfully reversed......and anyhow, you should be concentrating on the kid you have not thinking about breeding more!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (4 March 2006):
You do not say what it is your parents have had/said against your wife. was it totally untrue or was their some truth in it? You need to confront your parents if what they said was out of order because quite frankly you married your wife and you created a family unit with her, and you need to support her. Tell them what they said or did was wrong and show your wife you love her and support her.
If what they said on the other hand was not actually that bad or had some truth in it then you need to confront your wife and tell her you refuse to chose between her and them. Stand up for yourself and be a man for goodness sake!!! You are married and you have as much legal rights over your child as she does. Take the child to see your parents, do not give in to her demands...
You see nobody can truely help with this question until we know what exactly your parents did to upset your wife, and whether their behaviour calls for you cutting them off or not.
Your call.xx
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (4 March 2006):
You do not say what it is your parents have had/said against your wife. was it totally untrue or was their some truth in it? You need to confront your parents if what they said was out of order because quite frankly you married your wife and you created a family unit with her, and you need to support her. Tell them what they said or did was wrong and show your wife you love her and support her.
If what they said on the other hand was not actually that bad or had some truth in it then you need to confront your wife and tell her you refuse to chose between her and them. Stand up for yourself and be a man for goodness sake!!! You are married and you have as much legal rights over your child as she does. Take the child to see your parents, do not give in to her demands...
You see nobody can truely help with this question until we know what exactly your parents did to upset your wife, and whether their behaviour calls for you cutting them off or not.
Your call.xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2006): It is an unfortunate situation, but your parents created these terms between them and your wife. Remember that your wife and children are your family now. If you love your wife, do all you can to keep the peace, but it is very important that you are on her side. If she had two boys on her own, she is absolutely capable of raising all three on her own, and you will be the one losing out on raising your family.By the way, vasectomies are reversable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Yes jjstaleyams, aside from my mad ranting, I do suggest you ask her to listen calmly as well...
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 March 2006):
 you dont say exactly what was said by your parents about your wife, mostly this does sound unreasonable but there are some things that might of been said that could be really hard for your wife to forgive.
it sounds like a calm and thoughtful conversation with understanding on both parts is needed here, maybe once you understand the hurt that your parents caused your wife then you can help her through it and to get over it and to move on.
you say you are scared to leave but you dont say that you would be heartbroken if you left, do you still love your wife, is there still nuturing within the marriage and the family? do you want to make it work? does she?
i wouldnt be worrying about giving your parents another grandchild at the moment , id concentrate on building a better family life and atmosphere for the one youve got.
some grandparents only get to see there grandchildren once a year or less due to living abroad something that i see alot in my family , the most important thing is to fix the relationships within your own family if they are worth saving.
of course you shouldnt choose between your parents and your family but until you and your wife learn to listen and empathise with each other any outcome will be a bad outcome.
id listen to her and then ask her to listen to you CALMLY!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Stand up for yourself! You make it clear to your wife that you will choose both! You tell her that both is important! YOU MAKE IT CLEAR TO THAT LITTLE BRAIN OF HERS, that your parents are by blood and spirit your family. They have always been and always will. You tell her at the same time, that your wife is by love and by spirit, our family. You make it clear to her that it is obvious there are incompatibilities between her and your parents, but why take that upon your children and their grand parents? You tell your wife how this can be solved and solve it at the core. Stop trying to be a push-over man, and make sure your wife listens. Express compassion, comprehension, and neutrality, as well as objectional form of bias toward both parties.You tell her that this is killing you. You switch the question on her - ask her to choose between her parents or you and the kids, how will she choose? How can she even demand that?!?! THAT IS SO F**KING UNREASONABLE! This angers me greatly! As I too care a lot about my parents and their well-being, and try to balance it with my mate. So far so good, but who knows what happens once (if) we get married? Damn it!She needs a good scolding!
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