A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday my wife told me she wants a sex change. I was completely shocked by the revelation.I asked her to repeat what she had just said, and she said that she'd suppressed it ever since she was a girl. She said she'd known she wanted to be a boy ever since she was ten years old.We have two children, aged 8 and 13 years old. I don't know how I or the children would cope if she did have a sex change.She insists she's serious about it, and is going to start living as a man right now in our house.I've no idea how to deal with this situation, as it's hit me intensely emotionally, and I can't really cope with it well.If we split up, who gets custody of the children??Also, the idea of me paying child support to another man/transsexual gives me shivers down my spine.I feel stressed apart from when I'm in work, and have no proper idea of how to deal with this situation.How can I deal with this situation?Greg
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): I have thought long and hard before this post.
What a sad and tragic case. How completely horrible.
Horrible for you Greg, because you face your home and life turned upside down and the turmoil and angst of being an innocent party to his wife's feelings.
Tragic for your children - they are going to have to grow up WAY too fast and begin to deal with a situation most adults wouldn't be able too at a time of life when they are especially vulberable - imagine the ridicule they will face from peers - and don't say it shouldn't happen, of course it shouldn't, but it will.
But tragic also for your wife, the woman you loved and married and raised a family with. Given the amoral nature of UK society at present, she will no doubt get the operations she thinks that she craves to become...a transsexual. Surgeons will restyle and partially remove her sexual organs and give her hormones so that she develops male secondary sexual characteristics, but I am sorry, despite political correctness, medicine can no more make a man from a woman than I can fly to the moon by flapping my arms.
I have met many transexuals and know one well. I don't think they are happy - many actively regret the irrevocable and irreversible step they take and recognise they are 'freaks', (not my description).
genetically and physiognomically, she will still be female and always will be.
I hope she comes round and it is only a phase, but I see no easy way forward in this for any of you caught in this trap.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): If that is how she feels you shouldn't try and stop her. It might mean the end of your relationship though as you are probably straight and don't want a husband!
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (9 January 2009):
 What Taste is saying is true. I think that it's weird that she never shared her feelings with you before.
There's something else I don't understand, however. I've read about transsexuals, and Taste is right in saying that most are happier after their change.
There's a difference between people who are transsexual and people who simply wish to be of the opposite gender. If your wife is transsexual then, on the inside, she feels that she really IS a man, or that she was meant to be one, but feels trapped in a woman's body.
I think that nearly every woman has wished to be a man at some point, or at least envied the opposite sex. Guys don't have to deal with underwires or menstrual cramps. Her feelings might be the result of her relationship with her father, as one poster pointed out. Unfortunately, some people have experienced rejection from their parents because of their gender. :(
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (9 January 2009):
 A sex change is a huge process and I find it a little hard to believe that your wife just all the sudden wants to become a man. I've known plenty of transexuals in my time, all wonderful people who lead normal, happier lives thanks to their change. However, it seems bizarre that after 13+ years together, you never heard about this urge until now. For most transexuals I've known, it has been a pressing desire, one that plagued them constantly until they finally made the change. If you and your wife have had a open, honest marriage, I would think you would've had an INKLING at least!! She must be very secretive or this is a new - perhaps rediscovered - urge.
I saw that Dr. Phil by the way. It was extremely sad and that's what happens when you spring a sex change on children. Now, keep in mind that sex changes can be a positive thing, even in the minds of kids if you explain it right.
Your wife will need to do counseling, I also suggest couples counseling and if she decides that it is a change she must make, family counseling.
I really just wanted to assure you that transexuality isn't something to be afraid of or to speak negatively about in front of your kids. Whether or not your wife undergoes surgery, your kids should learn to be accepting and tolerant of all people - and if you teach them that, they will be more accepting of their Mother if she makes a change. I'm not saying that your unique situation isn't an incredibly difficult one and must be very hard for you, but remember that your job is to teach your kids to love unconditionally.
Alright, I kind of jumped all over the place here. You got some great advice from all the other Aunts & Uncles. There is my two cents!
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (9 January 2009):
 She’s going to HAVE to see a therapist for years in order to have the sex change. Also, live as a man, every day for at least a year before she is eligible.Ask if you can go with her to these therapy sessions...?
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (9 January 2009):
 If was me I'd have to take my children one side and be a man a rasie them if the family can't cope with the change.
If she feels she needs to make the change then no one can stop how shes feeling or what she wishies to do,simple thing is if your not happy with it,then part company..No fuss or drama and get with someone else..
If the children are also not happy then you'll have to look after them..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 January 2009):
 One link:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TransFamilyCouples/
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): In response to the questions pytguy asked:"First, trying to understand her feelings as a child and this desire to be a boy instead of a girl."I have always tried to be supportive of my wife."Does it have anything to do with her dad and the relationship they had or didn't have."No, she gets on well with all her family."Is it a hormone imbalance?"No - she's got no imbalances as far as I know."Does she have any characteristic of male behavior: physical or mental?"She's interested in automobiles, like me, but that would be gender-stereotyping to say it's an exclusively male interest."Does she act or talk like a guy or is she femine."Doesn't really act or talk like a guy, but not girly-feminine either. More in the middle-of-the-road."What about being a man does she like? No female breast and having a penis?"She just said she wants to be a man, it's the only sex she wants to be, she was supposed to be it anyway."Is their a man or a woman she is interested in, or does she still want to stay with you as a man? Will she still have a vagina for your own pleasures? Does she want surgery to have a penis?"She wants the full surgery, from what I know.I just feel devastated, shocked and confused by the whole situation.Greg
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 January 2009):
Good grief! I'd be flat on the floor, curled into a little ball!
She's way out ahead of you, and you have quite a bit of catching up time. First, I think that you have every right to ask for some time to adjust before she does anything new in the house in front of the children just yet. It won't do them any good to see that you're completely stressed out by this and it is unreasonable of her to expect you're going to be fine with this without some time.
I think you are getting out ahead of yourself with all your questions. The very first thing I would do would be to find a counselor for you both, preferably one that has some experience in transexuals. I will try to see if a link I've seen has some potential help for you.
So you have to make her understand that while she's had years to think about this, you've only had one day. That is a big inequity and she needs to respect that. She's lived as a woman for so many years, she can wait a couple of weeks.
Please find out if she's been seeing any therapists herself, because I think a good one would point out to her that her pressing need to live as a man does not necessarily mandate immediate disruption of your children's lives. They are going to need to be counseled as well, IF this continues.
So, 1. Counselor for her AND you.
2. No living as man until counselor has been seen and some reasonable discussions have ensued.
The rest of your questions, we'll worry about later.
Be back with a link, if I can find it.
God, what a shock for you. Hang in there, don't be afraid to stand up for the children's sake.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2009):
 I found this website, they might be able to answer your questions better.
http://www.depend.org.uk/
I think it's understandable that you are having a hard time dealing with the issue. It's not really what you expect after being with someone for 14+ years.
I can't tell you who get the custody of the children, it might be partly up to them, since they are old enough to decide.
As for her, well I have a hard time understanding the urge to want to be something you aren't biological. But then again I never wanted to be a guy. So it's hard for me to wrap my mind around it. But I can not condemn her either. I think it must be horrible to feel trapped being something you don't believe you are.
Get the kids out of the house for a week-end for instants and talk to your wife about it.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help, Greg but so try look up that website and see if there is anything you can find that might help you and your situation.
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (9 January 2009):
 Hi there!
First about child support, I am no expert but if I was to award the custody I would award it to you because you are the emotionally stable here. She cant just start living as a man just like that straight away, she has to think about her children too! She will go through surgery, then there will be the recovery time and I am sure there will also be some support sessions, so she will be preoccupied with sorting her new life out and I think it is in childrens interests to stay with you.
When I read your post I actually gasped and thought, poor man. You could have had a heart attack! Seriously, I think your wifes behaviour is unhealthy, I understand that if she has been surpressing her feelings for so long she had enough and wants a change right now, but also she is a mother and she is a wife (for now hehehe, sorry) and she has to take your feelings into consideration too which she hasnt done.
I hope you will have enough strength to go through this uneasy time for you and sort things out for the best. Maybe if the things get heated at home its best to send kids to their grandparents(yours)?
All the best
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