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male
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*nlydoingmybest
writes: Dear Cupid - I remarried 4 yrs ago. My new wife and I decided to move to a new country and set up a business a year ago based on a business plan that we did together. It has suceeded through hard work and we are beginning to see the benefits (new car, huge TV, general comforts). Recently I won a large and prestigious contract but it involved a lot of up front cost causing cashflow problems for the first month. My wife states that hates the business and doesn't give a stuff about it, she also hates the country, the employees, the clients and now ME!We just heard that her sister is getting married soon and she is bitching that we do don't have enough cash for her to fly over. In addition to this my wife wants a child. We have both been tested and are 100% OK. However nothing has worked yet. For the past 4 days my wife has refused to utter a single word to me other than I am a liar and a thief! Last night after a gruelling day in high temperatures I stopped off for a beer. My wife entered and threatened me for drinking all our money. Later she was completely poisonous and started shouting at me in front of some of my employees. She then stated that as soon as she can leave she will move away to stay with her sister, find a "decent" man and get pregnant. She has a violent temper and once in London I had to call the police after she beat me up in front of my kids and then started to damage the hotel room we were all staying in.My questions are: will a child calm her down (she is 35)? If money is the pivot of our relationship, will she get worse when the company gets more sucessful? Do you think she has got a screw loose or am I being intolerant? If she goes away, shall I just let her stew and get on with the work, or try to entice her back?Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): For goodness sake, please make sure that you do not get her pregnant any way you can!You clearly do not like her behavior,so how would your baby feel being brought into this?I have two children with my husband, and we we were very happy before kids, and thankfully we made it through, but trust me when I say that a baby puts huge and immense and UNIMAGINABLE stress upon even the best relationships.
You know not to do it.
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (8 September 2005):
Stop being a door mat to this woman. Don't get her pregnant and keep her away from your kids until she promises to get some serious help with her behavior. You are being treated badly because you are ALLOWING yourself to be treated this way. Stop being a martyr, if she cares about you at all she will get help and calm down and start acting her age, if she doesn't cop on let her go, it sounds as if your are at the end of your rope anyway. Its time to draw the line.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2005): Are you nuts! This is worst time to be thinking of allowing her to have a baby. If she has anger problems and resorts to violence, do you honestly think a baby will "calm her down"? Think again!
Usually anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive and violent, it will continue to lead to problems—in her personal relationship, and in the overall quality of her life. And it can make you, her husband, feel as though you're at the mercy of her unpredictable and powerful outbursts. She simply can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys her. Common sense places limits on how far our anger can take us, in society.
If she is easily angered, she has what is called a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that she feels that she should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. If she can't take things in stride, and she's particularly infuriated over minor challenges, then she has anger issues and she needs help with this.
Your wife has some serious emotional/anger problems so please seek some professional help for her and some marriage counseling for both of you. It really sounds like she is suffering from deep inner turmoil, very low self-esteem and depression. She needs to be happy, with herself, with you and with her life. I think she feels trapped and helpless and the stress load is getting to her. She needs to learn that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make her feel better-it will only serve to make her feel far worse. She needs to learn to use cold, hard logic when dealing with her anger. Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. Reminding herself that the world is "not out to get her," that she's just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. If she gets into an "anger management" course, they will teach her all these wonderful techniques.
If she doesn't want to co-operate and refuses help, you may have to consider leaving this marriage just to retain your own sanity and sense of peace. Nobody should live like this...she is emotionally abusive. I wish you luck with this. But please...do NOT consider having a baby. That's unfair to an innocent, helpless child. A child deserves a healthy, happy mother and most of all, parents who love and respect each other. With all your personal problems here, you two just aren't good "parent" material, at this time. Get her some help if she agrees. Take care and I wish you good luck.
Hugs,
Irish
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