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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for 8 years and have had it with the fact my husband don't have a backbone. He can't say NO to anyone except ME. He lets his friend use him and when I get fed up and mad and tell him he better tell them or I will, he still won't. Even though I have told the friends what I think more than once. I have a rep as having a temper.. but I will not let people run over me and mine ! Why can't he stand up to his friends? Why do I have to be the one that stands up for us? The only time he will is if someone threatens to hurt me, which has only happened twice, once by his brother and once by my ex-husband. I usually don't say anything until I am fed up, like when people use our storage building for free storage for years and then ask can they use free storage for their family.. Enough is enough! What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): i know what you going though because my husband always let our pastor tell him what to do. he treet every one else very good and treets me like i am a friend instead of a wife.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): It is your husband's right to stand up for himself and to assert his individuality. The goal here, is he needs to be able to assert himself, and to be free to choose. But sadly, he's chosen to to be assertive with you and not with the people who use him and this is wrong.
I think he needs to realize the more he caves in to other people's demands, the more he risks losing his family. He needs to stop being insecure and start believing in himself, more. His life is being run for him by other people. As a result he will probably continue to suffer a great deal from frustration and hidden anger. And that anger is being taken out on you. He does need to stand his ground and protect his family'd happiness and well-being with more vigour. He doesn't have to be rude or unpleasant. But he does have to start by learning to be honest. If he does this, he'll gain self-respect, your respect and the respect of others. He needs to leanr that if he doesn't want to do something for someone, then it's okay to say so. The more he does this, the easier it will become. He'll be surprised to find that people soon treat him with far more consideration & respect.
You might consider having him go to couple couseling with you to have a trained professional explain to him, how important it is that he become a healthy, assertive man and how damaging this is to your marriage.you. Also, consider talking him into going to assertiveness training classes. He needs to know that it really is okay to say NO to others who treat him badly and take advantage of him. I hope this has helped. Good luck and hang in there.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
male
reader, Stop n Think +, writes (9 September 2005):
As someone said to me today - stop being a doormat! Yes you love and care for him but he needs to put you a bit higher on the pecking order. Ask him why he is so soft with his mates. Probably he is insecure and needs to "buy" or reinforce friendship. Best advice - back him up after he has explained his logical reasoning for being a "soft touch". He will depend and refer to you if you give him this confidence. Try it once and you will be surprised - and empowered!
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A
reader, pops +, writes (9 September 2005):
Get your husband to a mental health counselor. What he is doing, or not doing is not normal. Something is wrong, either in his upbringing, or in his character. I suspect something happened long ago to him. Why are you repeatedly getting yourself angry when he doesn't stand up for himself? Up until now, neither of you did anything different about your lives. How did you expect there to be any change on his part? Be a loving supporter, and let the mental health professionals help him with his problem.
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A
female
reader, Captain_Charisma2202 +, writes (8 September 2005):
I have a friend andrew who is like this, he wont say no to anyone. I think your husbend just doesnt want to cause problems and arguments. But his friends shouldnt be using him as a doormat. Maybe you could sit down and explain to him that if these people were his real friends they should respect him and not take liberties anyway. You jst need to encourage your husbend to put his foot down to them and reassure him he can do it. He just needs a confidence boost,...hope this helped
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