A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married to my wife for 5 years now, after dating her for 4-5 years. She is good looking and sexy and I love her. We have a 1+ old baby and another one on its way. I work from home and my business is good, so we have no financial problems at all and we manage to save alot of money every month. She only goes to work 2 days a week. In the past few years I started to find it more and more difficult to have a calm, intelligent conversation with her. She is either not interested in what I have to say, doesn't listen, or just blows me off. She wants to quit her job in order to stay home and care for our baby 24/7. She says she wants to work for my company, but every time I try to teach her what I need her to do, she has no will to listen or learn or take any responsibilty. Another issue is that she gets mad real easy, over small marginal issues. She keeps trying to boss me around and tends to take little things out of proportion, and the entire atmosphere around here is bad with constant tension in the air. For the past year or , other then when she wanted to get pregnant, the frequency of our sex has dropped to hardly once a week, after I was nagging all week to have more. She treats sex as a reward, as its the only bargainig tool she has.I like to hug her and feel the warmth of her body, but she seems to be disturbed by it, and when she doesn't move away and hugs or kisses me back it feels like sh's doing me a favour. I have more less learned to live with the situation. If I need to have a intelligent converstaion, I do it with a friend or a business colleague. When she's mad or nervous I keep a certain distance from her. BUT recently she keeps putting me off when I want to have sex. She says she is either tired , not feeling well, busy, not attracted to me, promises we'll do it later, and all sorts of excuses. Trust me, this has nothing to do with here being 3 months pregnant. I know it hard, but if there is a will there's a way. She keeps saying she's not attracted to me anymore, and there is nothing I can do about it.I do not want to leave her because I know that our baby will be the one that would suffer the most. On the other hand, I have given up a lot, and I am not willing to give up on my sex life in my early 30's. So I am starting to think maybe I should have an affair. Satisfy my sexual needs, and keep the family in tact. What do you think I should do? In your answer, don't just give the don't do it answer on the cheating thoughts, please relate to the big picture.Thank you for your time.
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female
reader, caldreamer61 +, writes (23 December 2008):
Okay, here's an honest answer from a woman who has reacted the way your wife is reacting.As a woman you grow in your perspective as you age and something clicks in which says; 'hey I'm not a vending machine where he puts in a quarter and gets sex whenever he wants. I want to be actually loved and respected where my dreams and feelings matter. If I ever get to feel that way then I imagine sex will come naturally.'I promise you her reaction comes from feeling marginalized. She is drowning in loneliness, regret, fear, sadness and disappointment. She's hanging on to the one place where she feels loved and appreciated; her role as a mother. I remember the day it clicked for me and I thought--okay I am not loved or cared for by this man, he is using me to meet his needs and that is how it will always be. So, I will meet my needs and the needs of my children first, if I have energy left I'll get around to him. This was his way of responding to his wife and kids so I just gave it back to him in the same way. Of course he whined and cried and threatened and became mean but I just kept going--I was there but also gone. The funny thing is this changed his perspective. He stopped drinking, became more respectful and started pulling his weight. He still complains that I don't "give him enough sex" but I know if he gets his way he'll slip right back into the selfish behavior he was in before.Sorry guys but some of you are pretty damn selfish and can't respect anyone who doesn't dish it right back out to you. So have an affair, don't have an affair, it's your decision. But don't fool yourself into thinking you're the victim here. Your wife is reacting to something you're doing and the sooner you face that the sooner you can face yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Look, I am a 32 Year old man, Who feels as if I am in the prime of my life. My Wife on the other hand Is acting if she is a dried up 80 year old woman. We do have 2 children 3 and 5, But I do most of the chores and cooking. The only thing she has to do is work and then whatever else she wants to do. She went to her hometown for 4 days, without Me. To "get away". When she returned instead of being excited to see me, She announced the fact she was pondering leaving me. After talking a while and saying I WAS WILLING TO DO ALL THE THINGS TO CHANGE MYSELF to suit her, she said she would stay. I am a Simple man, I require occasional sex, and the attention you would give a pet, Not alot. But she acts as if I am a DEMANDING PERSON!!
tHESE PEOPLE ON HERE ARE RIGHT. But it's a personal decision, you only live once, and not very long at that matter. What's important to you? When I die, I want to feel as I lived as much as I could. If I were half a man I would leave her sit, and move on with my life. But I'm irish. I don't break relationships. I have to be the one left. I would spend my entire life in a horrible relationship rather than to be the one to end it.
But we as men have to take our balls out of our wives purses, and reclaim our rightful place as the MEN in this world. And make it known we don't HAVE to tolerate this kind of neglect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I'm in a similar situation. I've been married for 10 years and my wife is currently pregnant with our first child. The "sex as a reward" thing started almost immediately after we were married, though.
Before we were married, we went at it like rabbits. Somebody told me "Before you're married, every time you and your fiance have sex, put a bean into a jar. After you are married, that jar now represents all the sex you will have the rest of your life." So far, that's true.
And it's not like I let myself go. I've maintained my weight. I still look young. I'm active. I make plenty of money. I'm very passionate. She said that internally, she doesn't feel that there is a "need" to have sex. She doesn't think about it. She doesn't care. Something clicked off when she got married.
We've talked... many times. I ask her what her solutions are, she has none. We've tried all the little romance tricks. I've even asked her, "What am I to do? This is the one item in our marriage that I cannot be replaced by anybody else."
I'm going to have to try counseling next. That's the only thing I can think of. I don't know if it's sinking in when we talk. I've tried everything possible without making the direct threat of "we need to work on it, or else". But yet, it's come down to that.
Counseling is going to suck, though. Unless they have something new that isn't in any of the self-help books, then it will be a rehash of old attempts.
She's an awesome person, but an aweful lover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Cheating is not the way to solve this problem. I agree with many of the responses in that communication is the key. If communication is not taking place then I would suggest finding the time to talk with your spouse. I find that getting alone with my wife is sometimes hard to do. Yet, we have set aside 1 day a week to go out on a date. Just the 2 of us. This allows us the opportunity to get alone and talk. If it leads to sex great. If it doesn't then at least we were able to have time to talk about what is going on in our lives. I'm a Christian and don't believe in cheating. I believe what the Bible says about marriage. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. That is to say we are to be a husband to ONE wife. We are to love and cherish the spouse that God has given to us. Divorce is also not a good choice. You need to find common ground and work out your problems with your spouse. Marriage is work. That's right I said work. Marriage isn't a piece of cake. It isn't easy you need to work at it. Through communication with your spouse you will be able to find out what the problems are and be able to work them out together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): It sounds as if your marriage has been over for some time. Clearely, your wifes interest level (IL) in you has dropped (she exibits all the classic behaviors) and she only sees you as an ATM machine and a sperm donor.However, if her IL has not dropped below 50% then it is possible to get it back up. How you do so is way beyond the scope of this response, but you need to get into the seduction literature (MASF forum or Don Juan Bible, material like that) in order to get started. The first advice I would give you is to develop the mind set that you do not need her and are capably of going on your own and getting another partner if necessary.That sound harsh, but that (personal development/confidence) is what makes us attractive to women in the first place.My wife thinks that I could replace her and that fact (plus I do treat her very well...but from a place of strength, not neediness) keeps her interest level high.Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Hi My marriage got to this stage and he had an affair with a young girl while I was pregnant. I wish he had talked to me or suggested therapy. I was destroyed by the affair and my children too when we split. TALK or if she will not like I did because it upset me and being pregnant didn't help. Then tell her if she doesn't talk or try to sort out the problem the marriage will not work. Pregnancy is a time when sex is less and diffifult, give it time. I had self confidences/body issues after the children, I didn't feel sexy and he never help or told me I looked nice. Now I have a cheating partner and I'm in bits. NO AFFAIR that means you are say goodbye to your marriage/family
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): hi i am sorry to hear about your problem. take solice in knowing that you are not the only one. if you are not happy you should leave her. period!! child or no child!!! you happiness is important. that has to be up there in order of importance. if you hae used every last angle to get your point to your spouse and she has not even attempted to acknowledge that there is a problem then she does not care about you anymore. trust and believe that she is having sex. just not with you. dont have an affair per se but understand that you are a young man and you have needs and desires to and you deserve to have some of those needs met. if you are doing as well as you say pay the child support love your children and move on. trust there are better women out there. get her out of that comfort zone and begin to live again.
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A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 You almost got it spoton but forgot that two wrongs dont make a right. But some times desperate times call for desperate measures, if you tow sit down together and still fail to reach an agreement then better see a marriage concellor. May be your wife's drive for sex has dropped so terribly but you cant see it. Try creating some gap as in the time both of u spend around eachother has got to reduce. Then i suspect also that there is an acute lack of respectfor eachother that's if u are not too demanding. Remember that women love sex but men would do anything in the world to have it all the time. So try to be considerate and also style up your uder the blanket techniques and styles to make every shagging bout worth while coz she might just be fed up of your lone ranger style(man on top) When she give u a chance this tym, challenge her to take control of the bonking and u will be amazed.
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A
female
reader, Skeez  +, writes (25 August 2007):
 I dont agree with the person below's answer. Yes you only have your life once. But that doesnt mean you shoudl go around cheating on every girlfriend or wife you have in your lifetime becuase of one small thing that could be soughted out. Dont be stupid. Like I said talk to her. Dont go the cowards way out and have an affair. what will that really do for your relationship? Nothing apart from satisfy your sexual desire. You might aswell be single if sex is all your interested in. Youve comitted to your wife. To love her and respect her. She has a problem and cheating on her is not going to help. Sounds liek you have no respect for her what so ever. Talk talk talk.If things really dont get soughted out. then perhps a divorce should be your next step. You never knwo you may sought it all out. If you did and had sex with another girl.hell im sure youd feel great about yourself. guilt and the fact that you may have to tell her. And THAT alone will destroy your relationship.do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007): Look, you have to remeber that you live only ONCE.To me its seems that yor wife is the type that will always complain, no matter what.Renting an office and keeping distance from each other is only a way to shift the probelm aside, not to solve it.If she doesn't want to have sex, what does she expect you to do? She has to know that there is a price for her actions.Like I said, you liev only once, and life is short. Go out and have fun. Maybe one day she will realize what she has given up. By then it might be to late for her, but thats life....
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A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (25 August 2007):
No an affair will not help. Your old enough to realise that. Your married and having an affair will only make you a cheater and a traitor to your family. No sorry.
All I can think you can do with this is talk to her.
Mention how upset you feel with her treating you like this.
It sounds like both of you need time apart. If she insists on working with you.. Dont let her! Help her find another job. Maybe in a work office or a shop and like the person above said.. you got money, get a nanny or ask one of your trusted friends to look after your baby in the day or evenings on some days a week. Or a young responsible teenager who you know well.
You know perfectly well that an affair will not help anything in this relationship.
ommunication is your key!
Goodluck hun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007): You know that an affair would absolutely not be "the answer." C'mon now. You are married. You know that.What I think is the problem is that you guys are around each other way too much. You work from home. And she is always home too. And now she wants to work WITH you! Don't let her! I think that is a big mistake! I think even though you two are married you really need seperate lives of your own just to keep things exciting between you two. Look you make plenty of money. If you wanted to you could hire a nanny so that she can go off and find herself more things to do so that she doesn't get frustrated with her burdens and take it out on you. Or maybe rent out an office space so that you can do the work from there so that you both have space from each other everyday. Look you guys need space from each other. Friends. Family. Work and Socializing seperately at times. She might be pregnant but she is not incapacitated. She can go to the beach and relax by herself or with a friend. She can find a pastime or a job away from you, something simple to keep her feeling happy and like she has some sort of purpose and she doesn't feel like you are always in her face. When you are around someone too much sometimes they start to irritate you and I think that is what is happening here. You both should try to encourage each other to be on your own a little more. That way she'll miss you and will start to reciprocate your advances.
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