A
male
age
41-50,
*otabaseballplayer
writes: I wrote a few days ago that my wife or less than 3 years does not want to have sex with me and I received interesting responses. I spoke with my wife and had one main statement. I am under the understanding that if you love someone and are sexually attracted to that person and are married (thus giving you the moral go ahead to have sex) it would be very common for people in this circumstance to have sex. Does this not make sense? My wife says no. And she says that this is no big deal. She is just not interested in sex, and thinks that having sex once every 4 months is "normal". Can someone please get me some stats on this subject? So I went further and said but if you love someone and you know that there is one thing that this person wants and you still never are willing to meet halfway...that is not right. Being in a healthy relationship means that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I take out the garbage, fix stuff do whatever she wants me to do not because this is what I live for, but because it is important to me to do what I can in the relationship and our lives. I am frustrated and this is making me really wonder how far off of a normal sex life am I right now.
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male
reader, a husband  +, writes (8 April 2008):
Talking is taking the first important step, and you have started that. There are several books out there (tame, respectful ones in the Christian circle) that help wives and husbands understand each other's needs.
You may want to try and reiterate that you not getting sex makes you feel the same way if she wasn't getting the things she desired. I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" and a shopping trip to a local Christian book store and look under the Marriage section and Women's section.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Hi Hunny
I canot really add to what all the other aunts have said as I agree totally that this is not normal practice for a loving marriage, I have found a link hunny if it help at all great I hope it can... Have a read and see if it gives you any good advice...
http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/08/what-makes-sex-satisfying/
I do hope things improve for you sweetheart TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): I don’t think that sex every 4 months for a couple in their early 30s is normal at all. I don’t think that is normal for a couple in their 60s. My wife and I are in our 60s and have sex 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes more. However, there were times in our 29 year relationship when we had sex only a couple of times a month. There were various reasons for that and those times only lasted a month or 2. The main reason was that we were very tired and stressed from work and would argue sometimes. There is nothing that turns a woman off to sex faster than an argument, unless the marriage is really bad. Those times didn’t happen until we had been together for 8 or 10 years. My wife has always had a low sex drive, but is great once I spend a couple of minutes getting her going. However, she knows this and is almost always ready because she knows she will like it. I think her testosterone levels are low because she had most of her ovaries removed when in her 20s. That is where 50 percent of a woman’s testosterone is produced. Both man and women need testosterone for sex drive.
It sounds like the first battle would be to convince her that there is a problem. If she sees no problem at all then it will be very difficult to get her to seek help with you. If the problem is psychological then counseling is crucial. However, the problem could easily be physical, such as a hormone imbalance. Her testosterone level could be very low. A doctor can easily get tests done to check her hormones. However, I have read on medical discussion boards that most docs know little about this. I have also read on the same boards that there are many marriages where there is a huge imbalance between couples sex drive, and it goes both ways – male or female having the low sex drive.
There are a lot of medications that can lower a woman’s sex drive. Some birth control pills are killers of sex drive. Pretty stupid, as why would a woman want to take them if she doesn’t have sex. Almost all anti-depression meds, like Prozac, kill sex drive. Some herbal supplements, like 5-HTP or L-Tryptophan, do also. These are sometimes used for depression, weight loss and sleep enhancers. I have read discussions by many women on other boards who are trying to get their sex drives back after taking anti-depressants.
I cannot be of much help on the psychological possibility, as this really needs professional assistance. I think that psychological issues are much more difficult to analyze and solve than physical issues.
You really need to solve this problem, as I know how just the once or twice a month thing that my wife and I went through a couple of times over the years made it very difficult for us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Sexual experiences in a marriage reflect the mingling of the mind and the body and keeps couples intimate, loving and connected. So I do agree with your concerns. Hun, your wife is evading an important issue in this marraige and she really, really needs to be clued in. Physical intimacy is very important in a marriage..in fact it's critical especially in this case, where you want that sexual connection and she doesn't. And by her her not accepting this as a problem in her marriage to you, then she is of the mindset, that this marriage will be carried out, based only on her terms. That is totally unfair to you, the other half of this union. What she needs to understand that if she and you can't resolve this very important issue, she could be stuck in a place eventually, where she doesn't want to be...divorced.
Your posting talks about how you do other things in the family, in the quest to make life easier and you accept that is your obligations. But are you viewing those good deeds as bargaining to for sex from her? If you are-please stop doing that. I am sure she does her share of work outside of the bedroom, in regards to househole chores as well.
But I am with you on this. It's very easy for a woman who is having problems enjoying a healthy sex life, to state..'it means nothing to her'. It's a copout. And if she keeps this up, you will become incresingly estranged from over time. bail on her. She needs to get this problem fixed and you should support her with this. As suggested by Tisha..marriage counseling is crucial. Look into it. Your wife needs to understand how her actions are deeply hurting this marriage. I wish you both the best of luck and take care, dear.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2008):
 I don't think you're going to be able to convince your wife to have sex with you more often based on statistics...
This is a short answer, and I hope it doesn't come off as sounding brusque, but it seems to me that you are unhappy in the sexual relationship (with very good reason, I think!) and this forum won't fix it for you. The relationship itself needs the work, and that means, I am afraid, that you have to get the two of you to a therapist to work this very basic inequity in the sex life balance worked out. Four times a year... that indicates to me (I'm not an expert, mind you) either a fundamental sexual incompatibility or some deeper psychological issues.
Find a counselor, make an appointment and tell your wife that you need the two of you to go talk about this issue together.
I wish you good luck with this, and all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): I am sorry you find yourself in this awful situation, I left my relationship of 4 1/2 years because I couldn't go without sex anymore, it really sucks!
I know in my previous relationship of 8 years, I had sex with my boyfriend 3-4 times a week, we were in our mid to late 30's.
My roomate right now is dating a man than is 50 and they have sex 4-5 times a week....even my parents who are in their 70's have sex once a week......the answers are all over the place but what is important is that both partners are o.k. with the frequency or infrequency of the relations or there is great dissatisfaction from one of the partners.
Perhaps you could see a counselor before you end up like I did ..... without the person I love the most in this world
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