A
female
age
30-35,
*arcode12
writes:last year, i got to know this guy. he's my first ever boyfriend. although i just knew him for a day, i've started to develop feelings for him. my girlfriends did remind me not to fall in love too fast for someone i didnt really know. but i didnt heed their advice. after a month knowing each other he then proposed to be my boyfriend. as time passes by, bit by bit i came know his kind of person. he's an addict. but because i loved him, i accepted him for everything. then, he went into prison for a month for awol(AWOL, absent without leave). i accepted him still. i cried myself to sleep every night without fail. when he got released he didn't have a cell phone with him. so i had to wait for him to call me using his friend's cellphone. sometimes, he don't even call me. which gives me a thought as if we are no longer together. and at times, he just disappeared for a month. but i still continued to wait. i still remembered last year on my birthday. he called to tell me that he was robbed and couldn't get me any present. i was sad, but i don't mind. cause i know having him in my life was the best gift i could ever asked for. after my birthday he went missing for 1 month. i waited without fail. cried myself to sleep again and again. and after a while he came looking for me. i wanted to ask him alot of questions but im afraid he might leave me. so i kept a lot of stuffs which made me so miserable. and then, i came to know that he was on awol again. he had to go prison again. but after he was released a month later, we broke up on 7 september 07. i cried everyday without fail wherever i am. be it in school or outside, i just can't control my emotions.i did ran away from the fact. i turned off my cell phone daily cause i know he will never look for me. but i was wrong. after a month breaking up, i finally got the guts to on my phone. and the first phonecall i received was from him. i was delighted and we started to talk on phone and meeting up more often rather than before. i got to know him better. and i really thought that this time he came back for good. who would have guessed he was on awol for the 4th time. for the first time ever, he said he loved me and proposed me to be his girlfriend once more. i accepted him. in the past, he never dared to touch me. but recently, he went really overboard to the extent of me losing my virginity. a few days after that he got arrested by the police. and was sentenced 1 month in detention barrack. he was released on the 23rd feb. we got into a huge fight. i strongly felt as though as it was my fault. and we haven't been contacting each other. it pains me when he really leave things between us hanging. but a few days ago, he texted me saying that he misses me and will always love me. telling me he would come back to me soon. but was him saying it for real or just to make me feel better. i'm only going on 17 this may and sitting for the major exams. while he is 21. i want to leave him, but i'm afraid no one will accept me and i love him so much. what should i do? thanks for reading my long story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): am sorry of your pain,. hun and he needs serious help. He will destroy you-any or all sense of value you uphold in yourself. Already he has caused so many uncertainties, self-doubts in you.
You have a choice of whether to live life for yourself or for someone else. You need to remove yourself from this relationship, the sooner the better. Are you going to continue putting up with this young man's behaviors? Only you can decide. I want you to grieve, mourn cry but do not contact him...tell him it's done. Only when this man is out of your life and you heal, can you regain perspective to finally see that his behaviours say about him. He's just not a very commendable, good person, dear...really he's not.
I want to talk to you about something. I sense that you feel 'like you are happy, grateful' to be 'chosen by this guy. This is not a good way to think, hun.. You need to do the choosing, dear...no one chooses you. You need to get your confidence, your self-esteem up to par, here. When you love yourself, you are strong, you are smart, you use rationale, you are confident and you set boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. When you have self respect you expect to have a quality relationship with another, one with integrity.
When you do that, you are telling the other person you are a secure person and they will respect you for that. And from that respect, comes the trust, then comes the abiding love that builds, becomes solid and lasts through all the seasons. Another thing about self-love? It teaches you love yourself enough, to be able to recognize and acknowlege that any bf who does hurtful things to you is someone, you don't want. Your head rules, not your heart. Your common sense lets you know that you don't need the crap that others will do to hurt you. And that strength enables you to let go and move on no matter how it pains you because you know, that around the corner...there will be another potential, wonderful person to share your life with. You always never, ever fear being lonely, you carry on developing your independence, creating a positive, great life for yourself. You don't depend on a guy to give you a life...never. You simply look towards a bf to share your life and good times with you....someone you can communicate with, someone you can call your best friend, someone you can be totally yourself, every minute with. Think of it...that is what a relationship really is...a physical, sexual, romantic relationship with your best friend, one you have chosen to be your companion.
You have to change your attitude to one of self-love. Counseling may help you understand and work on the past troubles in your life, that have caused you to think you are unlovable (you aren't!)and to choose an inappropriate bf for yourself. You have to believe that about yourself. And when you do, a whole new happier, more positive life perspective opens up. Empower yourself...learn to practise self-love.
Think about getting into some individual counseling and look to the reasons why you wanted to stay in such an unhealthy relationship. You will learn something about yourself, because you will be forced to so some serious self-reflection. You may see that you are a loveable, beauitful person who didn't deserve what happened to her. You will gain an empowering strength like no other. You will learn never to allow anyone to ever treat you this way..ever again. You must take responsibility for 'yourself'. You really, really deserve so much more. Please believe in yourself. Best wishes and good luck
A
female
reader, ..BETTYBEE..  +, writes (16 March 2008):
QUIT WHILE YOUR AHEAD!!!
You think thats a boyfriend, a boyfriend is someone who loves you, treats you with respect, someone whos 'ALWAYS' there with you, if he loves you he would of tryed his best to be at your side, theres no excuse for it!
Iv been with my boyfriend for 16 months, i thought we had a rough patch but its nothing compared to that.
I cant tell you what to do but i will give you my honest advise.
at the end of the day your still young and you got your whole life ahead of you, dont wait for him, you might be waiting forever!
I know its hard, and easy to say and hard to do, but try get on with your life, your exams are more important.
x
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