A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone - I've been married now for around 9 months. When my wife and I were first dating everything seemed like we were on cloud nine, we got along really well and did not have a single drama. The few weeks before our wedding however things got really bad with lots of emotional stress and strain, lots of crying, lots of arguments etc and I wrote it off to just the major stress of organizing a wedding. After the wedding things got a bit better, but I noticed a very different side of my wife that I didn't know existed in her - and I'm putting it down to her masking that side of her personality the entire time we were dating/engaged. Basically she REALLY likes to stress about everything. I struggled for many years to de-stress my life but I'm at a loss of finding ways to help her to de-stress - as it seems (whilst she doesn't enjoy it) that she cannot avoid it. The problem is that she will stress about something (be it a legitimate issue, imagined, created etc), I will do everything in my power to resolve whatever is causing that stress as quickly and smoothly as I can, but once I solve that problem - she will find something else to stress about. Which is seriously stressing me out now as for the last year there hasn't been a time where I could just relax for a day. I have talked to her about it - and she claims that she is a type "A" person and that she gets her worrisome/stressful nature genetically from her mother. She says there is absolutely nothing that can be done as it is just the way her thinking is wired. She says she doesn't like feeling that way or living that way and just accepts it as who she is - and somewhat unfortunately I have to live the rest of my life like this as well. At the peak of a stress episodes she will fight with me and say REALLY mean things and it seems like during that time anything I say she will twist against me and I become the bad guy - so I feel like I don't even want to talk when she is like that as it just escalates things further and makes her more angry. But then after an hour or so she will calm down and apologize. So I don't even know if it is a hormonal thing or something. I've learnt to try not to take these things too personally as I know she will calm down after awhile and that kind of helps me not to lose my cool, but sometimes when she's yelling at me and trying to get me to react I have to blow up a little bit just so I can lower things gradually myself. I do love her to bits and if I have to live a stressful life than so be it. She says she loves me more than anything as well but I can't help but think that either I've done something or she is not happy with her choice to marry me as she was a smiling happy girl the entire time we were dating and now it seems like everyday she is just angry, sad and miserable. I don't know what I can do to make her happy again. I've never experienced anything like this before and as she is only 20 years old she is still relatively young. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? And/or do you have any advice as to what I can do, or how I should react?Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): Honey, is that you?
lol sorry, your wife just sounds remarkably similar to me and your whole "story" resembles my life so closely! I can assure you, your wife is still the happy person you got to know. She just needs your support and reassurance. I know, it's hard to do when you're angry & she's provoking you...but what she really wants/needs is for you to give her hug, for you to listen to her, and for you to tell her that everything is going to be okay.
You don't need to try to fix the problem, you don't even need to agree with her. You just need to hear & acknowledge her concerns - it will prevent her from flying off the handle. She's likely getting "more angry" because your reaction to her is getting her more stressed out.
The fact that she's worried about something is causing her more stress than she knows how to cope with, so assuring her that she has the strength to handle it & that you're there to support her through it is all she needs.
Ultimately, therapy is probably a good idea for her, there are skills that she can learn to help herself cope with her stressors. She needs to learn how to soothe herself and cope with stress in a healthy way. This will be especially important because chances are that even bigger stressors are going to come her way eventually.
Finally, just have an open dialogue with her. The clearer you can be about your feelings and reaction to her, the better she'll be able to cope with her fears. This will help her to open up to you as well.
Hope that helps a little bit. I know it's not easy, but she will get there. She loves you & that's part of why she gets *more* angry. She cares about you a lot.
**In general- When someone is angry, the best way to handle that person is to react with sympathy - the person needs to feel heard and understood.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (30 April 2013):
 I once heard; that a person’s character is but half formed till after wedlock… So you dated Ms. Cloud 9 and married Mrs. Worrywart? It begs the question; what else runs in the Family Medical History Books!?Now if this is just your early day’s marital adjustment period in action, your new wife; minus her negative attitude “…that nothing can be done…” can learn how to distress and tackle the important issues in life, without going ballistic and blaming you. As a new husband you have to learn how to ‘just listen’ on certain occasions. I know guys like to solve things :) You’ve done nothing wrong. Just choose your battles and don’t add fuel to the fire. Sure enough there are going to be fights/arguments (welcome to married life), but let’s learn how to have discussions, apply boundaries, and speak civilly, instead of escalating into saying mean things… This is a learned behaviour and has nothing to do with genetics!?Meanwhile if she is feeling miserable etc. be assured that ‘you do not have the power’ to resolve this problem, especially if it’s a medical problem. However, to make her happy again, you’ll have to ask her, listen and then discuss the solutions together.Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): It is to bad that she was able to mask her true colours like Phil Collins sings in that world famous song till you were married. You had no indications of this kind of behaviour before the marriage. How long did you date before you got married? This women has a lot of issues you saw some of them before your marriage. Funny it seems the flood gates opened once the marriage was finally consummated. I hope that you can get her the help she needs. But have you ever considered that you may be in over your head on this one? She could be a pathological liar and you are just starting to find out the rest of her hidden secrets. I hate to say this without upsetting you but I believe she needs a lot of professional help. Maybe she should of married a psychologist. You admit yourself she is upsetting you. Take care.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (29 April 2013):
I've been married to someone like that for nearly six years. I don't know how to help you; maybe therapy?
The reason I'm commenting is to implore you to not have kids until her problem is better (if that happens). If my wife didn't get pregnant shortly after marriage we wouldn't still be together. I think people only have so much patience, and I would LOVE to be with my wife for the rest of my life, but I'd also love to be married to an easy going, fun loving person.
I was also mislead and she didn't show much of this stressful nature before we were married. In the end I love my wife but I'm sure we won't be together forever unless something changes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): If she is acting sad and miserable and unable to see the good in life then, To me your wife sounds depressed not stressed. People suffering depression often find every day situations too much to cope with and they end up breaking down. Also is there a chance she could be bored because in my experience boredom can also result in this kind of destructive behaviour. My advice would be to encourage her to meet new friends or spend more time with ones that she has, try to notice patterns in her behaviour and if u feel she is heading on another downward spiral try and distract her with something happy. also all the hype and excitement of the wedding has worn off maybe she feels like theres nothing to look forward to, perhaps u should plan a holiday, just what ever u do dont plan a baby untill this problem is sorted out because that will bring more to stress over not less (my daughter is 8 weeks old so i should no lol) i wish u luck and hope it works out for u both xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): Your wife, as it seems, isn't adapting to married life very well. It is unfair for her to unleash her demons onto you and just dismiss them as genetic. Be that the case, she had better see a doctor or a mental-health specialist to determine what can be done to tame her rages. I say this with trepidation, because I don't know your cultural background. I presume she married of her own choosing. She feels trapped, and just might be having second thoughts about the fact she married so early in her life. Simply a delayed reaction. Some people panic at the final realization. It may only be as simple as that. However; she may have masked her darker side, as you suggested. It depends how long you knew her before you married. Your post implies she seems to be a mean person disguised as an angel. The difference between dating and marriage is, you can easily walk away. She may have manipulated the relationship by being extra sweet, to assure herself she would not be abandoned or rejected. This would be necessary, if most of her prior relationships ended in break-ups. People who are unusually stressful often have to change employment frequently; because the behavior becomes noticeable, and employers can't chance the behavior affecting over-all employee morale. It is also unattractive to clients and public exposure. She is only twenty, so she will not have a long history of employment. However; only time will tell. Not to say some of the stress from planning the wedding is still having a residual-effect. Are you over-whelmed with debt? How is the over-all economy in your country? Are you doing well financially? She may be uncertain of her financial security, and financial hard-ship only became apparent once you were married. Women are very unhappy when they feel they left the financial security of their parent's home to live in poverty. It's hard to survive on love alone. If she is accustomed comfort.You cannot rule out something as normal as PMS!!! Determine if she is on her menstrual period around the times she seems unusually temperamental. Women often cancel dates or visits around this time, which explains why you may not be familiar with this type of behavior from her before marriage. It's amazing how many men are unfamiliar with PMS!Some women seem possessed by the devil!I say this, presuming there isn't something about YOU that she may have discovered after the nuptials. We have to look at things from both sides, in all fairness. I hope there wasn't anything you neglected to tell her that you did that may have hurt her; which may have come up, and she hasn't confessed that she knows. That would put her on pins and needles until she can no longer stand it.Otherwise; living together for all eternity is now settling in. Yet the worst thing anyone can do is excuse themselves for abusive behavior. If you are totally innocent; I recommend that you do not tolerate it for the sake of your own mental health. This radical swing in her behavior will eventually corrode your sense of well-being. This possibility is almost inevitable. Hearing only one-side makes it difficult to give adequate advice.Fighting and sporadic confrontation is totally unacceptable. It is an unhealthy environment for adults, let alone children; if you're planning a family together.She has no right to make anyone's life a living hell; because she would rather be a screaming shrew, than a loving and devoted wife. If it is an illness, as I suspect, she really has little control over it. Or has only some limited degree of control. Personality disorders associated with mental-health issues often go untreated due to denial, or fear of the stigma associated with mental illness. If it is a milder form, it can go undetected for years. It only takes just the right trigger to set it off. It is often passed down genetically through the family. She explains her mother was the same.From your description of her anxiety and mood swings; I would venture to speculate that she needs treatment for a possible mental-health disorder. Only a trained mental-health specialist can determine that with certainty.A complete turnaround in her behavior smacks of a possible bipolar disorder or chemical imbalance in the brain, that requires therapy and possibly a prescribed medical regimen.Is she often tense, irritable, sporadic mood swings? Generally inexplicable outbursts? Episodes of rage that seem out of control? Then the outbursts quickly subside as though nothing had happened? It is most unlikely she will eagerly accept the implication that she is mentally unstable; nor will you be able to suggest that without a fight. So read up as much as you can and observe her behavior. Seek counseling for yourself when her behavior becomes unbearable; and consider all options, if she is uncooperative in seeking some remedy to the behavior causing discord in the infancy of your marriage. If she loves you, she will do whatever she can to make your marriage work. She is unhappy, and there is a reason. If she doesn't want to seek help, than you must take matters into your own hands and consider an annulment. She should be aware that there are definite consequences to her behavior, and you didn't marry her as an abusive and anxious person; she was a wonderful woman with a few usual human imperfections. When people absolutely refuse help for mental-health disorders, the only option regarding your marriage is out.She is so very young; and the weight of all this responsibility may have been the final straw. It's just more than she is able to handle, and everything up to now just over-whelmed her. If you both work together, and you are able to get her to see a doctor; you may be able to get her the help she needs to help her cope. If your marriage was arranged, she would have no choice but to pretend things were okay for cultural reasons, and to appease her parents. You'll determine what's wrong through the process of elimination. I've offered several possibilities to consider.
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