A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have had a wonderful relationship for 15 years...(3 arguments if you can believe it). Lately, she has been getting very nasty, over minor disagreements. While upset, she has said things such as she doesn't care what i think, she doesn't need me, I'm no Fabio, has criticised me for wearing work cloths around the house (i'm a carpenter who spends a lot of my free time working on our house in my spare time.) She seems to hold a lot of resentment towards me which only comes out when she's arguing or upset. She is 46. When she calms down, a day later, she admits arguing unfairly, and admits saying very nasty comments to me. My problem is I don't forget what she says after the apology. Sure, people say things they don't mean when upset, but it's hard to forget some of the nasty and mean things she says to me. Should I try to forget, and just live with it, or is there a deeper underlying reason for this mean behaviour?(She says her mom is like that as well). Does she need help, or is this a common thing? I love her and value the relationship more than anything, but the nasty comments are starting to make me wonder if I should. Although there seems be this seething resentment in her, I have never, to my knowledge given her a reason to be so resentful. She always says I'm a great husband to me and to her friends. She says she is happy, and is even writing a book about happiness. Is this a midlife crisis? Should we try and get counselling or take a course in arguing fairly, or something like that? How do I find out where all this resentment, if that's what it is, originates from? Thank you for your assistance. Down in Durham Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Thanks to Sincerely Yours for your insight. What you said makes a lot of sense, and maybe i was reading the change of subject as not caring, when it was more silence from feeling bad about what was said. We are both going to put it in the past, maybe put some of it to a little strss brought on by starting a couple of new business ventures in the past couple of months. Well, we've been hearing a lot of good things about make-up sex, so there's always a bright side to every story...lol Thanks again to everyone who responded...you're the best! Up in Durham
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Often times, when people are ashamed to a certain degree, they are unwilling to discuss the subject of their shame, and push it off. Sometimes, they make a quick and obviously inadequate justification before blowing it off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Dear Tem and Orbiter;
Thank you so much for your responses. They were both very thoughtful comments and it was especially insightful to hear a woman's perspective on this issue. I tried to bring up the subject today, calmly, to see if we might be able to resolve it, or at least get a better understanding of this problem. Unfortunately, although she admitted the latest few comments said in the past few days were very insulting, and if I had made similar comments to her, she would have been very hurt and angry, she seemed more concerned with dropping the subject and not talking about "yesterdays". I have to admit I didn't feel as if she was very concerned about my feelings, and feel she would rather have me keep any negative thoughts to myself. Any thoughts on this?
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (30 March 2011):
 You were married for 15 years and only had three arguments. Now you argue frequently and your wife says hurtful things. I would be concerned because it is uncharacteristic for her, and uncharacteristic of your relationship.
Your wife is easily irritated and moved to anger these days. This radical change in her personality, and it's resultant effect on your relationship, needs to be investigated. I cannot speculate as to why she is suddenly behaving this way. It could be any number of reasons.
Is your wife aware of the fact that her behavior has changed? Tell her you have noticed a change in your relationship and bothers you, because it does. Tell her many of the things you have written here. The two of you need to talk it out and resolve whatever it is that is underlying her anger. If you are unable to resolve the situation, I would suggest marriage counseling. Don't let this fester. You have a good marriage. Nip this problem in the bud.
Best of luck,
TEM
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (30 March 2011):
If this is a recent thing then yes there could well be some underlying reason for it. I suggest you sit down, tell her how much these comments are affecting you and if anything is bothering her. If that doesn't work then consider counselling/courses etc.I notice you say she's 46. So it's also possible it's the beginning of the menopause. Which you will either have to ride out or ask a doctor for help with. I'd only consider this if she genuinely claims not to have any good reason for her behaviour.
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