A
male
age
51-59,
*ony40star
writes:My wife only wants sex once a week or less this has made me so mad angry and upset most of the time I cant handle this lifestyle she has a low sex drive.I'm very sexed up every day I masturbate and need sex...Wife says she will never change once a week is enough...this upsets me, it's like she is not interested at all I am hurting so much here..I am starting to get irritated and tell her off for everything now...Every time I have told a friend usually male they think its ridiculous how she puts you off sex and only for her convenience.
View related questions:
sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 I'd like to add something. I see many aunts makin assumptions that this guy doesn't love or treat his wife well. Maybe he does and she makes no effort. We don't know that. Don't forget, HE wrote the question. At least he's trying to deal with it. I'll admit he sounds frustrated but it's possible he has a right to be. They should really seek some professional help to see how they fit into the range of normal. Maybe his expectations are not normal but maybe she's not trying.
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 January 2012):
Nobody is a sex object. Sex is supposed to be part of the deal. Things do change but they also need to be maintained. Nobody is trashing women. This is a chicken or the egg scenario. The reality in my opinion is this, the woman decides when the guy gets sex. Woman can have sex any day of the week and any hour of the day. That might be why they don't see it as a power. They're accutomed to having what somone else wants. Men have always been the ones who had to "hope" they might get sex. Women, on he other hand "decide"
As I said before, this is nature at work but it leads to resentment. It would be something like this....you work in the hot sun all day digging ditches and the boss sits under a shady tree and gives you some water when HE gets thirsty.
Men do not want to feel like their begging for sex. They only want to sense that their partners desire them. IT is not about one being selfish, their are two sides to everything. The gu who wants sex more than once a week might be content with once a week if he got the impression his wife actually wanted it too. As a man, there is nothing worse that realizing the person you're with rather be asleep.
The best thing is to identify what works as a couple, talk about it and work through it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): I have no idea why there are some comments below which mean to degrade women. Your wife is NOT a sex object. Buy a sex toy if that would make you happier, but your wife is a HUMAN, and she has her needs, feelings, and moods, just like you, you know?!
You should be glad you're getting sex every week, but instead you go spread your private life info among your friends!!! You should count your blessings she is in your life on the first place, and still with you. I personally think she deserves better.
Kelly
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): ". I'm reading posts that refer to women "giving" men sex. That indicates that females are the ones in control. "
..not if the man is coercing sex from the woman via making life so unpleasant for her if she does NOT have ENOUGH sex with him that in the end she has no choice but to "give" him sex.
why can't you appreciate what your wife is doing, and not be harrassing her and blaming her for not doing even MORE? sheesh. in my opinion that's selfish.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): Eddie said it perfectly, and he scratched the top of the iceberg.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 January 2012):
I see this as a power struggle. I'm reading posts that refer to women "giving" men sex. That indicates that females are the ones in control. I happen to think that is true. That in itself can lead to problems. Women have the power to dole out sex as they see fit. The man is expected to be content with what ever he gets and he should be thankful he's getting anything. That leads to resentment.
Oddly enough. when women are younger and actively seeking a partner, they use their bodies as tools. Clothing, make up, body language etc. are all used to entice men. Even later in life, women spend lots of time and money trying to look good. It should come as no surprise that the men in their lives still get turned on and desire their partners. It's strange how a man's desire to be with his wife suddenly becomes a burden and a chore for the woman. On the other hand, he's expected to notice when she colours her hair or buys new shoes.
I think it should be seen as a complment that a spouse still desires the other spouse. What is the biggest mystery is this, the lack of sex drive we're talking about is born out of taking our partners for granted. The proof is this, the ATTENTION we deny our long time partners are the SAME thing we become excited to give others should we become single again. The excitement we don't feel for our spouses is not gone, it's buried and surfaces again when we find ourselves single and dating again.
Nuture what you have. If there are no health reasons or issues that are difficult to overcome, have sex. Is it that bad? Try to become interested in it. It is supposed to be fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, smiliek +, writes (22 January 2012):
 hmmm i'm sure i'll cop something for this, but here goes..
To me, marriage has some unspoken but important expectations from both sides. In my marriage, i want to be my husbands main source of sexual pleasure. Not his hand and imagination or porn. So i ensure that he is satisfied with me. We're in our mid 20s and have a 3month old son, and even tho we're both alot more tired we still find time at least every second day to be intimate. I find it an important part of our relationship. In saying that, he is a fantastic help in every aspect. I never feel like he doesnt appreciate me and he is still full of compliments. I think it would be a different story if he didnt help out or if i felt unwanted/unappreciated etc.
Do you help your wife around the house? I'd rather help then flowers (although they are lovely and sure make a girl feel special lol) Maybe you should sit with your wife and ask what she thinks she should be entitled to in the marriage (the unspoken expectations sometimes do need to be talked about) I expect (and get) help without me having to ask, my husband gets what he wants sexually as often as he wants without having to ask. However i also have a high sex drive (not so much after giving birth but there are ways around that) so its very rarely that i dont 'feel Like' being intimate.
You may well have mismatched sex drives so you may still have to compromise, or it could be that you aren't meeting something that your wife finds important. And you may not even realise it. Worth a chat about what she wants, if you are meeting every need already then bring up what you feel you need in regards to sex. If not work on what she wants and See if the sex increases on its own.
Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): Have you been married for quite some time and her sex drive just recently declined?I was/am in a somewhat similar situation. I hate to be too negative, but I tend to think that trying to get a woman to want sex more often is typically a waste of time. I decided that I really only had three choices: 1) keep getting upset about it and let it cause problems in my relationship; 2) force myself to stop thinking about sex and lower my sex drive; or 3) get divorced and try to find a woman with a higher sex drive.I chose option 2. Every time I think about sex, I just replay one of her negative comments (e.g. "I'm just not that interested in sex anymore") in my mind. Over time it has had the effect of lowering my sex drive, and I don't get as frustrated with the situation as I used to. It's hardly a perfect solution, but I just don't think there are any really good alternatives in situations like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): er... maybe its my age... but I seem to be the only one that thinks this isnt just his faultAnyhow, if your wife is about your age, it is normal for her sex drive to drop, so you have to understand that firstly. You need to communicate with her without arguing that you love her, and you understand that shes satisfied with once a week, and explain to her how much you enjoy having sex with her, and that you DO feel satisfied afterwards, but you just have a higher sex drive.If she wont compromise...say 2 times every other week and 1 on the weeks inbetween or something... then...You have to do some soul searching. What is more important to you? 1) Your wife living comfortably 2)You living comfortably also.. i think the others are right...dont discuss your relationship problems, much less your sex ones, with ur friends :/
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): As usual on DC, most of the women's response to this question is about the man not being romantic enough, or doing enough around the house, or buying her flowers and that if the man does all of these things, the woman will absolutely give her partner more sex.Total and utter rubbish. There are huge numbers of men who do all this and are lucky to get sex once a month, or a couple of times a year. Sometimes there is just a completely incompatibleness of sex drives and it doesn't matter what either partner does or doesn't do. That's just the way it is. Sometimes there can be a hormonal treatment that can improve things.But I do get annoyed with the constant male bashing whenever a guy asks this type of question. Often it isn't the release but the need to be wanted, desired and the intimacy of such a close act with someone you love. And being denied this by someone who supposedly loves you on an almost constant basis can kill a marriage or relationship.There must be talk on both sides once this sort of run gets reached but there must also be compromise and an understanding that, perhaps, you are no longer physically compatible. Some people can cope with this, some can't.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): A woman expresses her love when she does so many things. The way she serves the meals, the care she puts into her appearance, the way she shows consideration towards you.
Do she already do those things? If not things must look bleak in this marriage.
Even if a woman loves you her love withers if she is treated with distain and disinterest except when the man wants some loving.
And if the relationship is good in other ways but the loving is boring that does turn her off wanting to make love.
so next time you do make love to her try introducing a few things to delight her. Only a couple of things at a time.
Here is your manual to follow, courtesy of DearCupid
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/spicing-up-your-sex-life.html
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): Adding a male voice to six females."My wife says I should be satisfied""Wife says she will never change" No truly loving spouse should ever say "you should be" anything if you are not. To quote those esteemed philosophers The Supremes, "Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take." hubby may not be entirely at fault, his grievances are legit, and at least some responsibility may fall upon the wife. Not saying it's true, just allowing for the possibility. There's room for compromise on both sides.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (22 January 2012):
From your post, you sound rather entitled that you shouldn't have to compromise on your needs but your wife should on hers.
If you're disrespectful and inconsiderate towards her, she probably won't want to have anything to do with you. How then, can you expect her to want to have sex more frequently, with someone she finds off-putting and therefore undesirable? Or do you feel that she should give you sex despite not wanting it but because it's her duty to meet your needs? What if she's already doing this right now, once a week? And what about your duty to meet her needs?
If you start arguments about this, then it's further making her associate having sex with you as something highly unpleasant, which will make it even more of a chore to her. And people tend to approach chores with wanting to do it as little as they can possibly get away with. She may feel that having sex with you once a week is being extremely generous on her part considering how unpleasant she has come to see it.
Most women tend to shut down sexually (and emotionally) towards their husbands if the husband makes her feel bad or if she has a lot of chronic negative feelings toward him.
focus on your emotional relationship with her first, repair what's broken there, without any concern for your sexual gratification. You can certainly masturbate to relieve your sexual tension. If and when your relationship with her has improved, consistently, then you will probably find her wanting to have more sex with you because then she would actually enjoy it more.
If you are needing her to have sex with you in order for you to feel loved or worthy or OK about yourself, then this is not emotionally healthy for you. You need to work not just on your relationship with her, but also on building your self esteem so that you don't get so desperate for her to fulfill your needs in this one way that any drop in her ability to do so results in you going off the deep end.
...............................
A
female
reader, supermum  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 If my husband was constantly telling me off, nagging me for sex, and making me feel awful, sex would be the last thing on my mind!!!! You are lucky you are getting it once a week!!!Instead of using your wife to satisfy your own selfish desires, why not consentrate on making her feel loved, accepted, sexy and gorgeous.Do you even bother to make her orgasm, or do you just finish and roll off to sleep? If it is not fun for her, and good for her, why should she do it? Also, if you have a high sex drive it can be down to a medical issue, so you might want to get that checked out with your docs.When was the last time you brought her flowers?When was the last time you told her you loved her?When was the last time you told her she looked amazing?When was the last time you took her out somewhere nice?When was the last time you cooked her a romantic meal?When was the last time you focused on her rather than yourself?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): there are many husbands out there who would give anything to be having sex once a week! stop whining, it's not like she never gives you sex, she's doing it as much as she can and you're getting mad at her and being a jerk to her. when you get mad at her and be a jerk to her, because she's doing all she can and it's still not enough for you, guess what? it TURNS HER OFF TO YOU even more!! What woman feels any attraction toward a man who's being a jerk to her and has no compassion for HER own needs?you need to apologize to her for getting so mad and upset at her, and for being so selfish. It's not like she never gives you sex. like I said, many guys would love to have sex once a week. You're being incredibly selfish because all you can focus on is your own needs and feelings and have no regard for your wife's. This is guaranteed to make her find you less attractive than before. You need to learn to have more compassion towards her first, and show some caring about her feelings on this matter, before you can even expect her to want it as much as now let alone more.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): FIRST of all. Do NOT discuss your sexlife with your friends.SECOND, Learn what your WIFE WANTS and NEEDS from you and you just might find yourself getting more of what you want.THIRD, realize (and quickly) that neither one of you will get ALL what you want.What do you need? The release? The intimacy? If you want to be closer to your wife-TALK TO HER and get under her skin and in her mind before ever attempting to get in her panties. You do not have a sexless marriage, but if the QUALITY of lovemaking is on shaking ground too...(seems more like a chore to shut you up than a pleasure) then please, PLEASE talk to your wife and tell her you are upset over the distance between the two of you and suggestion counseling and a trip to the Dr. (Hormone therapy to get that sex drive from PARK to at least First Gear!)Examine the rest of your marriage. An emotionally satisfied woman WILL want to please her man!
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 January 2012):
 So you have been telling your friends about your dreadful wife, and they think it's ridiculour your wife only has sex at her convenience.
Guess What! Give me 10 minutes and I will find MORE people who will say they think it is ridiculous for them to think your wife should shut up, roll over and open her legs for YOUR CONVENIENCE!
You want sex, your wife wants love. There is a difference you know, and until you work out what the difference is be thankful she hasn't cut the supply off altogether!
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (22 January 2012):
 Hi tony40star,
Sorry that your wife cannot understand you, but instead of thinking of sex constantly, why don't you try to be romantic? Maybe, if you are more affectionate towards your wife, helping around the house, taking her date nights once a week she'll be more motivated to have sex with you more often. See, woman tends to care more about feelings, being romantic than just having sex. I hope you and your wife have lots of sex, it's a little bump in the road, but the good thing is that you are still attractive to your wife.... :)
Good luck/best wishes
...............................
|
