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male
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anonymous
writes: Before I got married I asked my wife about her sexual past and I shared mine with her. She told me she was with 15 guys or so. That was twice as many partners as I had and I thought as long as she was honest upfront that would be fine. I asked her again if that was it and she made it clear that was it. So we got married and 2 months into our marriage she got drunk and met an old friend and tried to have sex with him but it could happen because he was too drunk as well. I didn't find this out until 6 months later after she went through a personal development program which brings out truth in people. She also shared with me that she was in a threesome with 2 men, went up to a house or hotel room with 6 guys and had sex with 1 guy (not totally sure), and that she had sex with about 50 guys or so. Not the 15 she had said before we got married. What do I do? Do I stay with her in marriage? I struggle with the pain of being lied to every day. I have been trying to have sex with her in the past days and I can't get excited and she is absolutely beautiful. What do I do?
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male
reader, IrishKeeth +, writes (29 October 2005):
I don't blame you for being mad about being lied to. I have seen this particular issue time and time again. I don't understand why women feel they have to lie about this. I they have a past, they should come to terms with it. People who don't come to terms with the things they have done wrong, are doomed to repeat them. Evident by her attempted infidelity. I don't think these are your issues at all. Her behavior speaks directly to her level of self-respect during that time. You have the right to know the truth about someone you are going to embark upon a life long relationship with. It's not O.K. to lie. Lying destroys trust. It's that simple. No matter what she does from here on out you will probably never trust her 100%. You need to decide not only if you can forgive her for not only entering into a marriage under false pretenses, but if you will be able to trust her in the future. If you ever raise a daughter, teach her not to be ashamed of her mistakes. Or if you raise a son, for that matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005): Although, she shared way "too" much detail with you, please understand that a lot of good people do make dumb choices about sex, in their pasts. Not always the best choices but that's where this past history should remain..in the past. Ask yourself this..doesn't your wife deserve to share a loving marriage with you without having to apologize to you for the rest of her life?
The amount of sex she's had, in her past before you came on the scene should have absolutely no bearing on her ability to form a loving, intimate, monogamous relationship with you. I don't understand you hun-the only reason she didn't tell you the "real" details of her past sexual relationships was because she wasn't proud of it and she knew how you would've reacted..she didn't want to hurt you. But now, she's told the truth. I do have a "beef" about her drunken attempt at infidelity-she was out of line to do that and by telling you about it, she likely is just coming clean as a result of this self-improvement course. It sounds like that started to weigh heavily on her and she knew you had to know. But instead of understanding the great risk she took to telling you this, you are now using it against her to say she's a liar and a cheat. It almost seems as if you are using all your insecurities and mistrust, as a way to manipulate her. She can't make you believe that she's honest, that she loves you, that intimacy with you means something to her. In fact, she can't make you do anything. She's between a rock and a hard place with you. Remember that these are all your issues, not hers.
Try hard to forgive her, dear and just move ahead. If you can't, then get into couple counselling with her and have a mediator help you both work this through. And if that doesn't work...set her free because you will allow this to "eat away" at you and it will eventually destroy your marriage. It's up to you. Take care and good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005): This is a very tough situation that you came across. Talk to your wife and let her know that you are hurt because of her lies and that the hurt might never cease. I've been in this situation before and I know the pain. It's been 5 years since then but I still feel the pain once and awhile.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005): If you wanted to marry a virgin, you should have not married your wife. Grow Up! Is she less attractive now that you know about the other men? Don't you think she was feeling guilty about her past, and how she had not taken control of her life before she made all those mistakes? Are you not proud of her for taking the personal development course and is finally addressing her problems? Or are you jealous that you haven't been with as many women as she has had other men? What kind of man are you? She chose you to marry, and to make a life commitment to. Not the other 50 guys. Count your blessings and shut up.
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female
reader, QueenB75 +, writes (28 October 2005):
First and foremost you need to work on rebuilding the trust because it was broken when she was dishonest with you about the number of people she was sexually involved with prior to the marriage. In this day and age you can't afford to be dishonest with anyone about your sexual past giving the rapid STD and HIV/AIDS infection because people are continuing to have sex with multiple partners and involving that in many lifestyle choices from bisexuality to swinging. Since you now know what she did use condoms until you feel you can trust her again to not keep secrets that could affect your relationship and marriage. Nothing is worse than a spouse getting burned with catching an STD or learning that a wife or husband was previously involved in questionable sexual activity before getting married. If anything recent happened get tested and make sure she's straight before you sleep with her again.
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female
reader, not again +, writes (28 October 2005):
Hi there, her past shouldnt be a problem, as a marriage is about the present an looking forward (although some men do get put out by a women's sexual past) HOWEVER a marriage is ALSO about trust! Noit only was she dishonest to you about her past but she has now been unfaithful to you. I can't see it not happening again.
I think that the best thing for you to do is have marriage counselling as a couple and try and work it out. You should get a fair indication during that of whether it is likely anything is going to change. Was she remorseful about what nearly happened with the guy? It is encouraging that she took a personal development course. Still, at the end of the day you have to put yourself first. If there is no trust and she cant be honest then I think it is time to cut your losses and find someone to spend your life with who gives you the respect you deserve. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): If it bothers you so much about it, then leave. If you are concerned about your own health, ask her to take some tests. If you can put it behind you and forgive her, then stay.
Just because it says you two are a couple by law, doesn't mean you HAVE to. It's just a piece of legal document.
I gotta admit-50 is pretty damn high. If she had mentioned 50 to begin with, do you think you would of stayed with her? Ask yourself that question.
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