A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife says that giving oral sex is degrading, so she refuses to do it. However, she expects me to give her oral pleasure every time we have sex. I have since stopped giving her oral sex. She says I am acting like a spoiled child. If that is the truth then so be ti. She swears that she can make it up to me in other ways. Unfortunately, we have tried that and it did not work. Now she claims that I am being difficult. Our sex life is almost non-existent at the moment. My question is simply if she refuses to pleasure me in this way why does she think that I should do it for her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): simple say that you also feel it is degrading
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): You wrote "She would perform oral sex on me occasionally before we married", so obviously she didn't find it degrading then.
That reminded me of the old joke:
Q. Why do brides smile so broadly as the walk down the aisle?
A. Because they know they've given their last blow job!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. Seeing that she is getting a masters in psychology and I have a PhD in psychology, you would think that we would have this marriage thing down pat!! Not!!! Anyway, what I love most is when she tries to "psychobabble me". I always politely remind her that I have been in this profession far longer than she has (she hates that one). We talked about our expectations about sex before we married. Of course I got the standard "I would XYZ for my husband". She would perform oral sex on me occasionally before we married so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I also am curious as to what else she can do to make-up for the fact that she is not giving me oral sex. Any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): This is the anonymous reader who posted some questions for you to answer.
Quite a few people responded, please reply back to this thread.
I'm sure everyone who invested time in posting a response would be curious to find out more about what's happening.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): I certainly dont think oral sex is degrading in anyway but for whatever reason she does want to give it only receive it. Not gving oral is her choice, she shouldn't be forced, coerced or blackmailed into it. If you want to withdraw from giving her oral then thats your choice. I dont think either is being any more spoilt child than the other. I think you need your heads knocking together and sort out what the real problem is or just accept you are enver going to agree and get on with things or get out. If oral is that important to you i'm sure you will find someone who likes giving it to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): this woman is the one acting like a 'spoiled child'. blow jobs are not degrading they are a common act of sexual pleasure. if she 'expects' you to do it for her then she should do it for you in all fairness. i enjoy giving blow jobs but i dont expect in return. i do it because i want to however in your case scenario from her it is a 'no i wont do it for silly reason but you do it because i want it'. fair? no and she needs to realise this. take care.
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male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (3 November 2009):
Dude, you are seriously pussy whipped by this woman. You and I both know that it's completely unfair of her to expect you to give it to her without her giving it to you in return. Frankly I don't even understand why you married this woman. She is the one acting like a spoiled child, not you. She is so used to getting her way all the time without giving anything in return that now she has the audacity to accuse you of being selfish. Her claim that it is degrading is ridiculous. For Christ's sake, you're her husband, not some Joe Schmoe off the street. For most couples, blow-jobs are as normal as kissing and sex. If she is not willing to do this small task to make you happy, she clearly is very selfish and does not have your physical needs in her heart. Oh, and also, I really like her claim that "she can make it up to you in other ways". How exactly does she plan on doing that? I personally can't think of anything that a girlfriend or wife of mine could do that would be a proper substitute for oral sex. It's almost as ridiculous as your wife not having sex with you at all, and claiming the same, that "she'll make it up to you in other ways." Guess what, Benni Hanna is down the street, whereas blow-jobs are not quite as easily gotten, so that B-grade tuna casserole she's promising you in lieu of felatio really just ain't gonna cut it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): thats it in a nutshell gerta. Rewrite it with the genders exchanged and watch the fur fly! She isnt required to give oral...and neither is he. And he shouldnt be bashed. If he had been a female the cries would have been..."girl do not take the disrespect." "You are being used." "You do not owe him any thing"...yada yada yada.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): As "Gerta" says, reverse the genders and then see what you think?
Indeed, women so often use sex as a bargaining counter and/or withhold it as "punishment" that we are used to it, but when the boot is on the other foot.....
Most responses were from the woman's perspective, but if the Poster finds himself without sex at all, virtually, it does speak volumes about HER childishness and the strength of their relationship.
Why isn't it degrading for the man? At least she can breath!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): im going against the gender here and will agree with duce. The OP didnt say he was with holding sex. Only the 'extra goodies.' Life is like that. It is not 'punishment.' he said she EXPECTS to get oral? No way. what we feel about our mates emotionally carries over into the physical realm. If he feels that she finds him orally undesirable ...that directly affects his desire to please her. That being said, i think she has every right to refuse anal. It is very painful and should only be between two people who both want it. The cum on the face is a bit degrading if you think of it as such. I happen to enjoy it on occasion...but a good bj or hj...is not too much to ask....if you work on a job that you really like, and for a boss that you respect and admire...and after a while the boss at closing time ask if you would run an errand on the way home. Its a bit out of your way but you like the boss...a few days pass and the boss asks you to stay an hour over...and soon the requests become expectations. Friday comes and their is nothiog in the pay amount that reflects the extra time spent. How long would it take you to resent the extras? ~mal~
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (3 November 2009):
 I guess I will go ahead and give the first male opinion here.
Sometimes I wish my capacity for fluffing reality and co-signing this kind of behavior was better but you wouldn't really be helped by that kind of smoke up your ass now would you?
It sounds like you are married to a woman who has become so used to getting her way with you that she thinks this is OK. The way she talks to you tells me that you probably have problems getting respect outside the bedroom too ie your a "spoiled child" for not giving her what she wants.
In this day and age where we have this wacky sense of equality of the sexes it is time for some men to start standing up for themselves too. Do not fool yourself for a second that this is all about blow jobs either. This is about you taking possession of your own nuts in all respects of your relationship and your life.
I say go ahead and stop oral sex with her but that is just the beginning. Take your balls back from her and stop negotiating. This has nothing to do with the compromises that we must always make in a relationship it has to do with you respecting yourself first. Women dont really want a well trained house pet for a man even though that is often what they try to make us into. She will actually be happier if you are less easily controlled believe it or not.
Try reading this book, I liked most but not all of it. You will definately get somthing out of it if you give it a read.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1889762105
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Have you asked her why she feels it's degrading?
Are you both religious?
Did she have bad experiences in the past with giving oral or any experience with it at all?
If she's done it before with you, have you asked what's the problem now?
If she did do it in the past, did she get really emotional about it during or right after?
Sorry for all the questions, but just trying to figure out the situation, more info would help.
As I do agree, nothing should be forced, I do believe it can be worked out with time and patience.
Let us know more about what's going on.
And how long have you been married?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Honestly speaking, I can see your point. If she likes to be pleasured orally, then why can't you be pleasured in the same manner? But I have to ask you why are you complaining about this now? I know that you wanted oral pleasure from her long before she became your wife. So if you complied with giving her oral sex without her returning the favor, then she feels that you are all of a sudden being a spoiled child about it. She now feels that you are trying to flip the script. This is why so many people tell you to be upfront about your needs, wants, and expectations. They are not saying it for their health, that's true talk. This problem may have been resolved a long time ago. Perhaps it may have not been a problem at all.
I must also inform you that some women can only orgasm by oral stimulation. This may be why she is wants it from you. If she can't achieve an orgasm vaginally, then this is the only way she can have ultimate sexual pleasure. If you just did strictly intercourse, then she wouldn't be getting the same pleasure from sex as you were. She stop having sex with you anyway. You would still be in a lose-lose situation.
Find out the underlying reason for her not wanting to give you oral sex. It may go a lot deeper than you think. It may be something from her past that has just put her out with the idea. So this is where communication is needed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): I am worried that this is about respect and you dont feel she has any for you as a person.
Its time for a sit down talk with her. Make it clear that if she wants to get then she has to give end of story.
Be firm, dont give her any nonsense but dont let her give you any either.
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