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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife needs professional help but she cant see this yet everything to her is a problem me the children the house she is in bad form all the time and we constantly argue last week she threatened to kill herself and our son if i went to the shop she even put the pills in her mouth she says motherhood is torture she doesnt seem to have any feelings for me we dont sleep together anymore and although i have tried she wont talk to me or admit there is a problem i cant seem to do right for doing wrong and im at my wits end she has told me to leave many times that she doesnt need me but she doesnt seem to be able to cope with anything i have offered help in many ways but she always refuses i told her i would go to councilling with her but she says she doesnt need it i dont know where to go from here. Pleas help
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Have you thought to consult your local health and welfare officials and maybe bring into your home, a mental health worker to address your wife's and your family's needs?
I would start there.
Get yourself and your children some famiy counselling as well to help deal with the aggression and self hurt issues. You and your children are living in an unsafe and unstable environment and there is bigtime stress.
I agree with wildthaing in that she is emotionally abusive to you.
I recommend reading a book by Beveryly Engel titled " The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" for some insight.
Get some counselling for those who would welcome it.
Start to consider yourself and your childrens emotional needs as it is clear your wife is unable and unwilling to be that for herself and for you and your children.
In cases like this, I suggest to bring in outside help into the home.
If this is scary to comtemplate as you fear your wife's reaction- then I suggest moving and taking the children as it is the responsible and most accountable choice for everyone involved.
Get family counselling.
Keep in touch.
*hugs*
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 Those who threaten self-harm may be in denial but they really are seeking attention. In your case, your wife is crying out for help even though she does not yet acknowledge it. In the meantime she is getting away with abusing both you and your son emotionally.
You have choices, and your son will bear the consequences (good and/or bad) of your choices. Here are some choices that I can see right now:
1) You continue with the status quo. Consequences: Further erosion of everyone's well being and a torturous wait for your wife to hit bottom. Neither you nor your son gets a chance to heal from the emotional abuse.
2) You leave your wife but leave your son in her care. Possible consequences: Further erosion of your son's well being, and a torturous wait for your wife to hit bottom. But at least you have a chance to start healing from the emotional abuse.
3) You leave your wife and take your son with you. Possible consequences: A less torturous wait for your wife to hit bottom, a break in the cycle of emotional abuse, and a chance to re-balance the emotional state of well being for you and your son.
Which of these options allows your son to heal from the abuse? I don't care how young he is and what you think of his ability to perceive the abuse - know that his emotional well-being is eroding as you perpetuate the status quo.
In all the options mentioned above you have to wait for you wife to hit bottom. Your wife is an adult and you cannot make her do anything. So stop trying. When she hits bottom only then will she see that she has choices other than her current ones. Only at that time might she be open to counselling. This is possible only in the future, not now.
In the here and now you recognize the obligation to provide your son with an environment where he feels safe and loved. Is the status quo providing such an environment?
It is possible that the cycle of abuse has distorted your perceptions such that you cannot hear what I am telling you and by consequence can only see a constrained set of choices.
In the end the final decisions are yours. All we can do is to help you see the consequences of your choices. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 See your GP as an emergency if necessary and explain the situation. Your son's life is paramount and whatever happens, he must be safe. If your wife does not recognise she needs help then the GP can force her to be admitted for assessment. This sounds really awful, but she may be severely depressed or have a pschotic illness and treatment and time will either sort the problem or control it. If you are afraid of her, this needs to be addressed also, so at least phone your GP or her GP and express your concerns.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): This is very serious and I really feel for your family. If your Wife cannot see she needs help its a very difficult situation. I could only suggest that you approach your Doctor for advice or Social Services. The fact your wife threatened to kill herself and your own son indicates there is a serious danger for both their wellbeings and really your Son needs taking out of that danger straight away. If you approach somebody as I suggested Im sure theyll give you the help and support you need and one way or the other approach your Wife and begin to help her get well. I wish you the best of luck. x
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