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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife seems to have her own agenda in life, I don’t know how to explain it , but it is like she is heading a different road to the one that I believe should be our road of success. she is a successful women with the very good earning, I always believe married life should be about sharing and caring. She never seems to be interested on anything to do with my career or my work. On top of everything she doesn’t believe that if she is earning more she should be contributing more to our life,however I never ask her for anything. But I recall she took me once for a trip, first she said you are going to be my guess, then she changed her mind and said half-half, then she paid for it, and to date at least more than 20 times she has told me I paid for your trip THAT REALLY PUTS ME OFF. I have to say I paid for all the foods costs while we were there which was at least 1/3 of the total cost and I never said I did that. Please tell me if this is normal? Ok I can’t do as much as she is capable of financially but she knew that when she married me, I was fully open about my incomes. Even with my income, I am meeting her half way in everything, but still certain thing I can’t do , because I just can’t afford it, but still she doesn’t see this as being our life together. Is that really true love? Should it be like that? She is so tight when it comes to spending money for us. Please advice me what I should be doing, this attitude really puts me off.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 I have a different and more fundamental take on your question than the other agony aunts.
The money arguments are a proxy for some deeper issue between you and your wife. In order to make some kind of progress you need to probe deeper. Hopefully she will reveal her true issues and you will know - for better or worse.
If she keeps throwing in your face her belief that she paid for your trip, there is some insecurity that she has yet to reveal to you explicitly.
Let me tell you, if the money issue were to disappear tomorrow, another issue would appear in its place with the same effect because the root cause has still not been identified and resolved.
The two of you have work to do to get through this very rough patch. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): honestly it really sounds like the both of you need to sit down and plan a budget together. this would avoid anyone getting huffy over money issues (and hopefully she would better understand your financial situation). by planning a budget - including "fun" money and money to be saved for emergencies - you will have planned for everything so there should be no surprises and nobody should have to fuss over anything. if you have enough money in your fun savings, then is the time to go on vacation, not when you can't afford it.
i would also start saving money to pay back the rest of the vacation money that you "owe" her. (it's ridiculous that she would offer to pay and then rub it in your face. if you pay her back, then you'll be even with the trip and there's no way she could bring that up again.)
financial issues are a main reason for divorce, but if you keep communicating to her and plan a budget, there's no reason why there should be any stress from money.
(ps - I was like your wife and once my husband and I planned a budget, I understood where he was coming from and we haven't had any problems since. She just might not know where you're coming from, like what happened with me.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Man, try to save your relationship if you want but atthe same time prepare for the breakup around the corner.She sounds like she'll only listen to herself, and likeshe enjoys reminding you that she earns more and thatyou need her money. Not my definition of love.If you accept any more gifts, she'll keep reminding youabout them. Is that worth it? Say no, that you cannotafford it and that you do not feel the need for it.
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 I am really sorry about your situation. From what you describe she does sound self centred and it is not a basis for a sharing relationship. Perhaps you could try listening to her to get her perspective, and instead of presenting your case as you see it, respond by asking her view of what a solution could be. If she cares for you she would not want you to be unhappy so give her a chance to recognise the problem in a non judgemental way. Perhaps if you have close friends, she may agree to including their perpective as sometimes I think we can get a bit wrapped up in our own cocoon view of things and close ourselves off to what is hurting others and a gentle reminder may help. If not, then you may need to consider what you future holds in that kind of a relationship. Perhaps having that power was part of the attraction to the marriage?
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A
female
reader, x.xpennyx.x +, writes (9 August 2006):
Hi, I see your problem here. I wouldn't say this is a really odd thing but it's not exactly normal. I think you need to sit down and discuss this with her and don't hide your feelings. If she is earning a good some then she shouldn't be so tight. When you go out for meals, take it in turns to pay. Don't take no for an answer and stand up for yourself. If you really can't get through to her maybe try talking to one of her close friends because female's know how each others minds work and they will know what she is thinking. But I would say the first thing you need to do is sit down with her and talk to her to try and solve the problem. If none of this works then write again and I'll see what I can do. Good luck!
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