| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem with my sex life with my partner. He wants it less than me despite him saying he has a higher sex drive. Basically he doesnt put precedence on our sex life anymore and it drives me crackers. We do have sex but its few and far between and normally when he wants it, when I say that, I would want it all the time, but seem to have to wait until he wants it and thats like never! We are very much in love and hve been together 4 years.. we used to have alot of sex together but over the years yes it has lessened which I appreciate. But he seems to put everything before having sex, like oh the washing up needs doing, we need to go shopping, we need to do this, this hasnt been done, hes too busy trying to keep house and all the mundane things to be having sex.. another problem is we go to bed at different times, mainly because he needs less sleep than me, no matter how i try i cant get him to see that i need more of a sex life... he will masturbate every morning before he goes to work, after i have left for work, but when i say cant we have sex first thing hes like i dont feel like it in the mornings feel a bit rank and not fresh etc... so i have said to him when can we have sex, and hes like at weekends, im like when at the weekends cos the mornings you dont want it, during the day we are shopping and doing the washing and at night we are not in bed together, hes like it will happen when it happens but we cant put life on hold for sex... im not asking that, just there is never a window for sex and i dont know why he doesnt want sex, we are pretty much always together so i cant see why he doesnt want sex, when he claims that he has a high sex drive, there are no issues with erections or anything like that and we do/have experimented in the past, so its not like its a boring sex life, although it is getting that way as its like he cant be bothered and cant see that i need to be craved and made to feel sexy... I used to dress up but hes not one that goes for underwear and he prefers whats underneath, i have made the effort though and its always the wrong time that i pick!! How can i make an adjustment as everything else is pretty much okay, we do alot of things for one another, have a lot in common and are pretty content with one another, he just puts everything else in place of sex and I dont see why we cant have a healthy sex life.. others do it dont they ? Manage to both work, do household chores etc and still have a sex life.. so why cant we ? How can i get back our sex life, no matter how i phrase it to him he doesnt understand that i need a sex life, i want to feel wanted desired and appreciated sexually and he knows what im like in bed and im not boring! We are in out 30's and im scared that if its like this now, is it going to get worse... how should I now tackle this as its been going on for a year or so now and it seems so stupid and shallow when we have an otherwise fantastic relationship, why doesnt he want more sex, have men changed are they the ones that abstain from sex and see it has a chore rather than an act of love these days ? What do i need to do to get us back on track and enjoy a sex life properly again ? Anyone with any advice would be greatly appreciated..
View related questions:
erection, sex drive, sex life, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 The first thing to do is to identify what the real problem is. Then the next thing is to decide what to do about it. But if you're focussing on the wrong 'problem', then you won't decide on the right course of action (unless you get very lucky of course).
So what is the real problem? Lets look at the evidence...
- 4 year relationship
- He's deliberately avoiding having sex with you (the excuses are just that: excuses)
- You go to bed at different times (which is just another 'excuse' not to have sex)
- He masturbates daily
- You are not feeling attractive, desired or sexy
- You are scared that this situation is going to get worse and worse
This gives me huge deja vu. I've been there. In his situation. Several times. So similar that I don't think I can think outside of my experiences. So I'll just describe how it felt to me. He might be feeling the same things, or similar things.
I didn't want to have sex. This was because I was not feeling close, intimate, desired, or attractive. The relationship was stale, and so was the sex. I had a sex drive, so I'd basically 'sneak' masturbation when I could. Usually when my gf wasn't around, but sometimes when she was. I substituted porn for her. I felt guilty about it. I knew it was not helping the situation, but making it worse. But i didn't want to face up to it and deal with it. Instead I just buried my head in the sand.
The sex got less and less frequent, dried up altogether, and then we split up. You can't have a healthy relationship without a healthy sex life, in my opinion (healthy being about quality, not necessarily quantity).
Looking back on it the 'real' problems are clear. At the time I thought it was a sexual attraction issue. That I 'just wasn't feeling like sex', and 'sex isn't that important'. It wasn't that. It was...
...the relationship being stale. We just weren't doing the things you need to do to have a sustain the relationship. I don't mean stuff like dividing the chores up, I mean:
- Showing and telling your partner on a daily basis that you appreciate them, trust them, and are attracted to them. Words, physical contact, gifts, there are many ways. Small, frequent gestures.
- Being truly open and honest with each other. We weren't discussing and talking enough. For a start, we should have talked about the main problem: that the relationship was going stale. But really it's just the basics: intimacy, share your feelings and thoughts, share your deep feelings such as your fears, shame and dreams. Express your feelings about the other to the other, but not in accusatory way. Take the time to listen without judging or speaking. Listen with the feeling of being 'for that person' not 'against that person'.
- Quality time with each other. This doesn't mean necessarily going out or 'doing stuff'. It just means being with each other for a period with the main intention of being with each other. The purpose of that time is 'each other'.
You need to reconnect with each other. Don't put the pressure directly on sex as that is more the symptom than the cause. Rather put your focus on your intimacy and connection with each other. As that is rebuilt, your sex lives should improve.
You might find that after a while and some good conversations, he will admit his guilt over his masturbating. I can guarantee you that on some level he knows this is a problem and is feeling guilty about it. You should encourage him to stop, but only if he wants to. Don't pressure him to, but rather approve of HIS decision to. One way round this that worked for me to break out of this pattern was to start to masturbate not with my girlfriend, but alone (as normal), but then when I was turned on, to go into the room where she was. She would then not only know that I was masturbating (no longer did i need to hide it, and hence feel guilty), but she could get turned on by it and then get involved. I very quickly switched from the mindset of "I'm horny, I need to find an opportunity to masturbate when she's occupied", into "I'm horny, I'm going to masturbate in plain sight and she can get involved if she wants". Unsurprisingly she wanted to get involved almost every time, and our sex life rebuilt itself.
One activity that I have found really helps is massage. My partner and I give each other frequent massages. They make for great relationship reinforcement. You are doing something nice for someone, that they appreciate. It's intimate and shows trust. You get a lot of physical contact, yet it's not directly sexual. It can lead to sex, but doesn't have to. You get to spend time together and feel close to each other.
Another thing you can try is rather than just coming on to him or making it clear you want sex, just make it clear that you find him sexy. You are not saying 'I want sex with you now', but rather 'I think you're sexy'. If he knows you think he's sexy, he'll start to feel sexy around you, and then start to want to have sex with you. You want him to initiate sex (so you know he is attracted to you), and you want him to do it without prompting. Create the sexual tension, create the 'maybe she will, maybe she won't', and let him know that desire is there (but not the demand or expectation). Then let him make the move.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Hi, I posted the question... Thanks for your replies.. Malyce I think its more he's got settled and doesnt see the need for sex, and I guess we are singing from a different song sheet! Not sure about the counselling thing and how that would work, especially as he doesnt think there is a problem and its me that does... In regards to the two anon posters well I guess we all know how each other feels, but I really dont know the answer, the thing is I wouldnt mind but im only really after sex once a week and the odd occasion maybe twice, but at the mo and really is few and far between and I do feel as though its getting to where he just has sex with me because i bang on about it, so dont really know how to get it to be more natural like it used to be!! :o(
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): i am having the same problem w my b friend he just says he is not in the mood and he had felt pressured by me and it has become a taboo subject and he is loving in other ways we just dont do it and it is driving me crazy and i want to talk to him again about it but at the same time i dont want to pressure more it suckssssssss i would like to know if personally he doesnt desire me or if it is soemthing else he also stopped drinking 3 months ago maybe this is another reason but is sucks!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): I'm having precisely the same problem with my girlfriend. For the first 9 months of our relationship we had sex at least twice a day and now 15 months into the relationship I'm lucky if she'll grudgingly agree to have sex once a week. I might actually have been ok with this if she hadn't told me how she'd had a string of one night stands and even a threesome before she met me. The only way I can deal with knowing about her disgusting sexual history is by justifying it in being sexually satisified. I'm not sexually satisfied.
I'm not being hypocritical either. I've only had sex with 2 girls in long term relationships. Sex and love are synonymous to me. When she rejects me I don't feel loved.
She's talking about marriage and babies but I can't see how I could possibly marry her now. Sorry for going off on a tangent. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but you've got to decide how important it is to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): I think couples counselling will address both concerns you both have.
Could this be his personality? Could it be a deep rooted issue that has come to the surface and has him acting the way he does?
If there is little communication; little listening and validating of one another...it will be difficult to figure this all out on your own.
It is easy for us to sit here and say dress kinkier, be aggressive but if he is not willing to put you and your needs first before the home life....what is home life anyways?
If you are scared things will worsen; seek outside help...go to couples counselling.
...............................
|
