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age
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*obbieR
writes:Yesterday we should have celebrated 34 years of marriage. Unfortunately last Friday 9th, my wife told me that she was unhappy and simply left! It was a very cold conversation, no discussion, no big row, so she'd obviously been thinking about it for some time. She said that she's been unhappy for some months now. One of our problems has always been a difficulty in communication about issues but it's never got to this.We have a flat close to where we live and she has moved in there. She assures me that there is no-one else - which I believe is true, but my mind plays terrible games with me - she is simply unhappy and "needs some space". The last year was pretty traumatic for our family. My wife had a tumour which resulted in a full blown hysterectomy, our son-in-law committed suicide and both our dogs died. I realise now, too late, that I probably did not do enough to support her during this time.I've made a massive list of all the jobs around the house which I haven't attended to and am trying to work through them, trying to show her that I can be a better husband.She goes out a lot with her friends and says that I resent this which is probably true as they usually end up in one of our late bars and she frequently arrives home between 2 and 3 in the morning.She still wants us to remain a "family unit", we visited my parents yesterday my Dad's not too good(they don't know what's going on and she doesn't want to tell her parents either at this stage). She tells me that I'm her best friend, but the "feelings of love are no longer there".I feel that there may be a slim chance if I play things right, the big problem is I don't know what is "right"!!I've been browsing the web and if I wasn't suicidal before (and I'm not) I should be. There are a lot of doom and gloom merchants out there, but then maybe they're right?? I've also looked at some of the sites who can sell me the "Plan to get your ex back" Whilst most of them apear to be real junk some of them make a bit of sense. (Does anyone have advice on "Counter Intuitive" methods - tell her your happy with the breakup and it's good for you too???) There's also a lot of contradiction about what you should or shouldn't do.Right now I'm hurting major league, I don't have friends round me to talk to. I'm trying desperately to give her some space but want to talk to her or text her about the least thing just to have some contact. (Some advice says have no contact for at least the first few weeks - I'll go mad)!!Should I go to the Doc - get some pills that numb the pain till she 's finally decided not to come back and I've really lost her?Any advice would be most appreciated.Robbie R
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reader, roadman +, writes (21 January 2009):
 but hey what would you really know about how to deal with the emotions of a break up if this is the 1st 1 you've had in 34 years...Let me tell you something all the words and actions under the sun can't bring a woman back to you if she don't want to be there...
A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (21 January 2009):
Well I'm sure you'll be pissed of when you find out shes got a new play mate...can't see her hanging her boxing gloves just yet..When a woman wants space tents to mean she don't want to be around you and is no longer happy with your company....
If she has any feelings for you she;ll return when shes ready..but i think shes made her self clear she just wants to see you as a mate..
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male
reader, roadman +, writes (21 January 2009):
Well may be your not going to walk away from a 34 year marriage but your woman just did...
If you want to sit on your own and cry about it,then do so,but me I'm not going to stop living life for no woman.
If you rolled through like me pal your wouldn't be here posting your woman problems,you asked for advise I gave it to you,you want to knock what you haven't tried then good luck to you,that could in fact be the attitude that lost you your wife in the 1st place..
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reader, RobbieR +, writes (20 January 2009):
RobbieR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I posted on this site, I really wasn't sure what sort of response to expect - as I said in my posting lots of doom and gloom out there! But I've been absolutely overwhelmed with all the positive support and kind words of advice.It's certainly helped me and given my a small degree of hope. I know I must give her her "space" but I find this really hard as I want to contact her all the time and beg her to come home! So far I'm managing to force myself to resist this route!!Somewhere on the site it says that we should respond to all you guys and let you know what we think - so I'm sorry but I'm going to try and do this in a bit of detail! (If nothing else it gives me something to do)!!lolRoadman - thanks for your words, but I'm not about to walk away from 34 years of marriage and as for going out and looking for new friends right now, I don't think so! But thanks anyway.Sweetheart03 - Yours was the first positive answer to come through and it really lifted me, thank you. One problem I have is a severe lack of friends. I think for two reasons. We've always lived out in the country with few close neighbours and also I've always been the "boss" and it's hard making friends with those who work for you. I've a lot of "work associates" but not exactly the people you open your heart to - far better a bunch of complete strangers on a web site!! But I am trying to keep busy. I'm working through my big list of jobs and the scary thing is that things which seemed to be huge are done in a few hours! When we went to see my parents I'd put on a colourful shirt and jersey which my wife bought for my Christmas a year ago but I haven't worn much. My Mum commented on how good it looked so Maggie must have taken note too.Gina - Thanks loads! I think what you say in your first paragraph is spot on. Following the loss of our son-in-law, our daughter went on a world tour to clear her head. Maggie and I flew to New York to meet her on her way hoome and we had a few days with relations. I think once she had got her daughter back home after Christmas she felt a release from a major worry and that it was her time to "opt out" as you put it. I've taken on board your advice about how to deal with things just now and written her a very short note simply saying that I know she needs space, I miss her and am there to help when she feels ready to talk. I've asked to see her if she feels like it and I've told her I'm not about to give up on her. I posted it yesterday, second class, just to give her another day to think about things. I got her a new dog a few months ago, but that probably wasn't the best idea in the world! It was probably too soon after our second one died and I felt the house was empty It's just a puppy and needs so much care and attention, unlike our old dogs who were much more independent. I think that probably put a lot of strain on her, and again I did little to help! As I said above, I'm getting through my job list and Maggie came up yesterday when I was at work (I've managed in a few days but find it hard to concentrate on anything)to feed the dog and saw what I've managed to get done. She actually called last night and we chatted about a few things, washing, ironing, daughters and the like! and she also commented on the jobs I'd got done. Maybe a small step forward? (I'm scared to move forward in case there's a big step back around the corner)! I'm keeping away from the websites trying to sell me the miracle fix - and , as you say, using my gut instinct. Glad to hear that you and your hubby are still together and thanks again for your kind advice.Onedayatatime - a very apt name, I like it and thanks to for your words of support. I've used some of your words in my note, particularly the bit about the "gigantic wake-up call" - it's been that and more! On Sunday evening her Mum phoned here and I told her Maggie was out with friends. I sent her a text suggesting she give her Mum a call. She replied by saying that she may have to tell her what's going on rather than have her find out indirectly. My heart sank. Yesterday she called me to speak about arrangements for the dog and said she was still thinking about it, but wasn't sure. I think I read this as a good sign? I take on board what both you and Gina say about the hysterectomy and the menopause, but getting her to see a doctor at this stage could be more than just a bit tricky but I'll bear it in mind if we ever get that chance to talk. I also take on board what you say about courting her all over again! (PS - I do have some good friends, one is in Oz, two in Canada and one in Copenhagen)!pvtguy - thanks also for your words they have been a great comfort. I know that there are times when my head feels like it is exploding with everything is going on inside it. I can only imagine what it is like for a woman to have a hysterectomy then have her daughter of 24 made a widow. You think I understand now the pain she has been going through. I wish I'd understood it better a year ago.I hear what you say about working on myself and I think that is what I'm doing with my work list. My memory isn't that great and I find that writing everything down helps - I've got 41 items on the list and have managed to do 15 of them - but still lots of the bigger ones to tackle! I've found it very hard to get motivated to do things - the cold and dark winter doesn't help! As for the belly, I'm in the middle of working on that, I've lost 26 pounds over the past 3-4 months, 7 in the past week! Only 9 to go to get to my target. As for the dancing classes, yes, that hurts. She started going to CEROC recently and suggested I come along - needless to say I didn't! Not sure how to deal with that one at this stage. It's only been 10 days - feels like a year - since she left and I feel guilty that I'm not crying myself to sleep as much and the panic attacks have almost passed. I still cry when something triggers it but I'm trying to concentrate on how I get her back, but at the same time give her some space - a contradiction in terms!!Once again thanks everyone for all your help so far - without it it would have been so much harder. I pray to God every day that we may come out of this together, but I am also trying to steel myself against her making a final decision that it is all over - maybe not the best train of thought but it helps keep me sane - almost!RobbieR
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reader, onedayatatime  +, writes (18 January 2009):
Hi, I have been in a similar situation and it is very painful. My husband started communicating with his x of 30 years ago. She obviously made him much happier than i could in a year that too was stressful.
M husband wanted to move out and have some space but fortunately didn't.
I wrote a letter to him explaining that i understood that we perhaps had found ourself in a rut after 23 years of marriage, the respect which should always be there wasn't quite as it should be etc etc.
I also told him that this was a gigantic wakeup call for me and that i believed that our roots were dug so deep that there surely was something to hold on to. I loved him dearly and haven't shown this too well for a long time.
Your wife does not want your parents to know, i believe that this shows that there is some hope.she thinks like a family member.
Your wife has probably gone through the menopause due to the hysterectomy. This is a terrible time for many woman and plays with emotions.
Would she agree to meeting with your doctor to explain this to both of you. Perhaps then you can find ways together to get through this.
Don't give up your love will beat this i am sure she needs you more than she knows herself.
I don't believe that complete " No"contact works unless you are taking care of your own needs to get oer the relationship.
If you want her back act as if you are courting her again ,and do what you did way back then to get her to marry you.
Good luck
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reader, sweetheart03  +, writes (18 January 2009):
Be strong keep your friends around and keep busy. Try to even dress nice to make ur self feel better it helps. She needs her space she will c how much u mean to her and how life will be without u by her side. She might feel like she missed out on some things when she was younger and hanging out now and feeling free is what she things she wants. But I'm young but older at heart and the best thing in the world is to have the love of ur life next to u at night....u need someone who will do anything for u. She will c that just let her act out if u will...she will come around. Just be strong. And if she doesn't there are so many women who are single and think there's nobody out there for them. Just don't feel like its the end because its not. Right now ur heart is broken and ur hurt she's who u want but love sucks sometimes I pray things work for u ok.
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reader, roadman +, writes (18 January 2009):
When a woman wants to go best to just let them go... It's always going to be a kick in the teeth when this happens but you just got to ride those feelings... It's just in your head and life is still going on around you...Good time for you to try and keep busy and take out the pain on that house work you've listed to do... Over time you pains will start to fade..Sites like tagged.com a great place to make new friends it will only take a connection to one person you get along with to start healing the pain your going through..It sucks but once you start to heal you'll see no one is really worth suffering for..
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