A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:my wife of 30 years confessed that she was not a virgin when we were married. I was not a virgin when we met and if she had told me before we were married I would have been fine with it. My problem is she made such a big deal of telling me she was saving her virginity for her future husband. This became something that I thought was very important to her and in turn became something very special to me also knowing I was her one and only. After 30 years of marriage she finally came clean on her virginity. It feels like she tore my heart out. The issue I have is that she lied about this for so long and I feel like I lost something special between us. I'm having a tough time with this. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Halusinations +, writes (28 December 2018):
So wait another 20 years and....
"This has been constantly bothering me, you were'nt a virgin were you?".
Answer: No, I was in love before you.
"How many times were you in love before me?"
Answer: What ever happened to me before you is none of your business.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2017): OP, I dunno if you're still there, but here goes anyway.You can go two ways with this. You can grouch about it for a while and eventually it won’t bother you so much. Or, you can deal with it and resolve it – ultimately however, this will mean that you will forgive her. You need a way to get to forgiveness, but it is not easy because presently you are a little bit discombobulated. I will play armchair therapist for you.First, clarify for yourself what is going on in your mind. Seriously. You have a lot of stuff running through your mind and you need to clarify what you are feeling and what the issues are. Take a piece of paper and make a list. (1) I am hurt because she did not tell the truth 30 years ago. (2) I am mad because I was honest and she wasn’t. (3) I am afraid because this may have affected our marriage. (4) I am sorry I brought his up because now my wife feels bad. You need to reach clarity in your mind on all of the emotions that you are feeling and the issues that are bothering you. Take all the time you need, come back to this as you proceed.Second, I invite you to go back in your mind to 30 years ago. I don’t mean for 5 minutes, I mean over the next week or two, relive in vivid detail the time you met your wife, your first date, first kiss, proposing to her, getting married, and all of the intimate times you had together. Remember what you said to her, and she to you. Relive in vivid detail the love and other emotions you felt. Relive the love that you felt from her. As you go back, ask why she said she was a virgin. Put yourself in her shoes. The only way to get to forgiveness is to understand her point of view. She wasn’t necessarily trying to hurt you, but rather was acting in her own interest. She has given you a brief explanation – “she said she was ashamed and was worried what you would have thought of her.” Think long and hard about what she is trying to tell you. Why was she feeling ashamed? Perhaps the timing in her mind of when she started “seeing” you was a little different than yours, and if she was having sex with the other guy when in fact she had already decided that she was “seeing” you (or wanted to be seeing you), then she could have been feeling guilt and shame because there was an element of cheating on you. Perhaps pre-marital sex was a lot more meaningful to her than to you. What you may have viewed as trivial recreational sex, was a very big deal for her. Perhaps she was not just ashamed of the sex, but also the way she treated the other guy – she had just started screwing him and them she dumped him – she might look a little fickle. Come to understand her point of view and forgive her.Tell her what you felt and tell her that you forgive her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017): She has never thrown the past in my face. I do not consider her to be jealous. The only thing she did say after all of this happened last week she said she was jealous of the women I slept with at the time. She has never accused me of cheating and has not spied on me in any manner. She has no problems with my friends. When I was younger I was slightly jealous about her dating other guys but once we became serious I trusted her, especially after we became engaged. Yes I have brought up the past a handful of times. It always was about her saying she has never done anything sexually with another man. I asked her yesterday if she was glad to get this off her chest or if she wished she still had not told me. She said she wished that she never told me because she new it would hurt me.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 I would find this hard to forgive as well, off course it is going to upset you, it doesn't matter that it was 30 years ago she still lied to you and that is a hard thing to get over. Am not sure what her reasons where, and am even more confused now because she went crying to the priest about you. It sounds like she was ashamed off flying to America to meet this boy and didn't want anyone to know. But why say 15 when it was 5? I hope she is telling you the truth now.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2017):
 Ahhh...yes you did, and I'm so sorry to have missed that!
I'm glad I asked again though, because you revealed something very interesting that we wouldn't have known:
I find it telling that she had a fit over you having slept with someone else before you two met - to the point where she was crying to your priest about it. Also, I was dead right about religion being a part of this. You both may not be devout, but she's had some indoctrination over what "good" and "bad" girls are supposed to do.
Please indulge my questions a bit more, OP. Thanks for answering what you have so far!
1. Between that time and this, has she ever in the past thrown in your face that you weren't a virgin before marriage and she "was"??
2. **THIS IS IMPORTANT** Is she a jealous person?? Would she pressure you for details about your past sexual experiences or relationships? Did the questions or her fixation on your past become a thorn or obsessive? I'm asking this because after 30+ years, it still amazes me that the past still comes up in your conversations like that.
3. Is she a CURRENTLY JEALOUS person? Does she accuse you of cheating? Does she snoop on you or monitor your online activities, cell phone, Facebook or other social media?
4. Do you have friends that she dislikes and has issues with you spending time with?
5. Are YOU a jealous person? Besides this fellow she eventually confessed to have been with, were you jealous of men she's liked in the past? Did you likewise ask her questions or keep bringing the past up in your marriage?
I'm no counselor, but I'm trying to figure out why her behavior was something she covered up for 30 years, and what her reasoning might have been, especially if you had told her that you didn't care if she wasn't a virgin before marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2017): As stated in my original post I was not a virgin when we met. This was brought up and discussed prior to our becoming serious. While in turn she always insisted that she had never been with anyone. This was her words and as I said previously I would have been OK with her having a past if she had told me before we got married. We are basically casual Catholics (just a handful of times a year) and neither of our parents had anything to do with our relationship. She was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools while going up. While preparing for our wedding we sat in front of a priest and she told him she has a problem with my having slept with other women. While crying the entire time she never said a thing about her past during this meeting. I'm just confused. She had a numerous times to come clean.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 September 2017):
OP, you didn't mention this, and I'm asking to get a better idea on how this went down, but given your response "She said she was ashamed and worried what I would have thought of her".
Given that this was 30+ years ago, would that mean you were married in 1987? Here are my questions that I hope you come back on here to answer:
1. Were you a virgin as well?? Was she your first sexual partner? Did you lose your virginity to her??
2. Did you tell her (or did she know) that you were looking to either save yourself for your wedding day and wanted someone who "saved herself" as well?
3. 1987 isn't 1947. Attitudes toward sexuality in the US had already softened in mainstream thinking, and most people on here responded the way they did because of this fact. Are you and she or either of you from a religious background?
4. How involved were either your or her parents in the choosing of a mate or the telling you what you could or couldn't do before marriage??
Please indulge me by answering. It will help a very great deal in what to do or say next, because her answer up against 1987's views doesn't add up. So please enlighten me if you would be so kind!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2017): She didn't want to lose you that's why she lied to you. I was not virgin when I got marry . I didn't tell my husband I was selfish I didn't want to lose him. I told him after four years of marriage. He was very upset for few weeks. Then he over it. There was no sense to be upset for something that happened before he was in my life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): she said she was ashamed and was worried what I would have thought of her
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 Did she tell you why she lied about it? Was it because she was ashamed of it? Or did she think you wouldn't want to date her or marry her if you knew she wasn't a virgin?
All I can guess at, is that she told this lie in the beginning because she thought you would like her better if she lied about it. So many women lie about themselves in the belief that men will like them more if they do. It's sort of ingrained in us from childhood that we should not be ourselves, but instead be whoever the man wants us to be, so we can get married and only then are we worth anything. And then as things got more serious, she didn't feel she could be honest about it.
That's just my guess. But I agree with YouWish. Take this to couples therapy. Trust needs to be restored, because she's been lying to you for 30 years. Any lie of this scale is equivalent to cheating, if you ask me. It breaks the trust. And without trust, there can be no relationship. You might end up never trusting her again, and getting divorced. So my advice to you is to take this to couples therapy. Also, try to envision what it would take for her to gain your trust again. What would she have to do, or how much time would have to pass? Can you ever trust her again? Try to answer these questions to yourself, and then you will know more about what steps to take.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 September 2017):
Listen, I'm absolutely on your side on this, OP.
This *IS* a huge deal!! If this were employment, this is the equivalent to lying on your resume to get a job that you might not have been qualified to get had you been truthful.
In the job world, it wouldn't matter if you had been a stellar employee for 10 years. The moment the resume lie is exposed, you get fired from your business!
That's a HUGE lie to tell! I don't know why any other aunt would blow it off as not being that important, but she committed fraud in order to get you to marry her, and yes, while you had 30 years of a good marriage, that doesn't erase the fact that it was built on a huge lie!!
Sorry, but I would be rocked to the core if my husband were to lie to me about something so profound throughout our entire marriage, and it would cause me to question EVERYTHING that ever happened and what else he lied to me about if he could live such a lie for 30 years without remorse.
OP, your feelings are valid. If I were in your position, and I found out something like my husband had a marriage and a child I didn't know about, or something that profound, I'd demand and push for some serious marital counseling, because your marriage was built on hidden deception. You need time to work out how you feel, and getting a counselor to help you two work through this is the correct response to finding out the truth she's been hiding all this time, and it gives a proper nod to the 30+ years you HAVE spent together.
This is NOT something you can or should just "get over". That is not fair to you, and you stuffing in your emotions over this betrayal and lie isn't good for your marriage. This will take TIME to work out, talk through, and repair the damage.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Try not to let this become an obsession that clouds over everything and lead you to unhealthy reactions like revenge or retaliation. But if your wife truly loves you, she should be willing to go to counseling with you. If you do this the right way, your path to rediscovering each other, the REAL you and the REAL her, it's possible.
Don't "get over" it. Work through it and get rid of that gnawing corruption, and while you're at it, get out ALL of the resentments on both sides, the secrets, the layers of emotional gunk that builds up over every 30 year marriage, and that's good for both you in both the short and long run.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (3 September 2017):
Why did she tell you this now? Was she trying to wind you up or as she trying to come clean to unburden herself. Either way being lied to for thitty years as got to hurt.
You have to figure out how to move forward from here. Think of it this way, you were living in a house now that house has been damaged. You and your wife need to figure out how to repair the house so that it is better than the one you had before.
I am of course assuming that is what the two of you want. Because I'm still wondering why your wife chose to tell you this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): So if you were not a virgin and she was not but told you she was this suggests that she felt some kind of pressure to be . Perhaps as you say it wasn't from you but rather , from society which sets different standards for women especially 30 years ago !
Let it go for goodness sakes . This is so trivial and insignificant. If you have an issue , take it up with the patricahy and society that has for millennia expected anseperate set of rules for women to men and made women feel guilty about their sexuality
Leave your poor wife alone . She was doing what she thought was the right thing at the time and what you and the rest of the world expected and wanted of her .
Even nowadays in this so called era of liberation women
Are labelled as sluts for behaving exactly as men or prudes for
Not liking mysogynistic porn
The world is extremely backward when it comes to women's sexuality
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): She tore your heart out over this?! After thirty years of what I'm assuming has been a good marriage, surely you must have other special memories/moments with her.
Maybe it's been bothering her for sometime that she lied to you and she just wanted to get it off her chest. Sure, she may have not done it too tactfully, but it might have been easier for her to just blurt the truth quickly lest she chicken out.
I can't really understand why you find this to be so special in the first place My advice is to stop letting this eat at you. Concentrate on the truly good things in your marriage and get over it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 September 2017):
 So she had sex a handful of times (how many is not really relevant) with someone else before you. She then finished with him to be with you and has been with you 30+ years, 30 of them married to you. Is the fact she wished she had been a virgin when she met you going to outweigh all the times you have shared?
Many women hope their first love will be their only love. However, life is seldom that straight forward. She probably became a "born again virgin" when she met you because she wished she had saved herself for you. In her mind, YOU were all that mattered. The past was erased. It wasn't significant.
If this is the biggest problem you have in your long marriage, you have been blessed with a wonderful wife. Cherish her for who she is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): I was pushing her for the truth since she had told me she had been to New York 15 times to visit a boyfriend before we were together. This came up when talking with friends on a trip to New York. I told her to swear on her fathers health since I could not believe that a guy would pay to fly his girlfriend from the midwest to New York that many times and have nothing happen. Don't get me wrong I still love my wife and am not going anywhere. I'm just having trouble with this coming up 30 years later. I was aware that she had gone to New York a few times but she always assured me that nothing happened. Now she is saying it was only about 5 times and doesn't know why she said 15?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): Were you fighting when she said it?
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 September 2017):
 I can understand being upset about the lie, if that is what's bothering you about the situation. Unless her first time was the result of sexual abuse or molestation and she was ashamed or traumatized by speaking about it, there isn't really a good excuse for repeatedly telling you something that wasn't true when from the sound of things you hadn't originally asked about it.
If you're secretly upset you didn't marry a virgin after all, though, that's a little less justifiable given that YOU didn't wait till marriage to try sex either. So do a little soul-searching and try to distinguish the true motivation behind your upset.
Either way, the end result is that you have to decide whether this revelation negates the 30 good years you've shared and is worth straining or even ruining your marriage over. If your marriage is a happy one otherwise, I would argue that it's not, and you are best served to let bygones be bygones, especially if she's apologized for the lie.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): I'm not sure what to say to a man who has been married to the same woman for 30 years, then gets upset she wasn't a virgin.
Seriously?!!!
I don't mean to insult you, but this makes absolutely no sense.
You know, I was totally in-love with my domestic-partner of 28 years. He died of cancer. Sure, we had problems like anybody else in a relationship. I am not perfect, and he was not perfect. I would trade places with you to have him back. I would appreciate him for giving me happiness; and devoting a doggone big chunk of his life exclusively to me.
The silly things people separate or divorce over these days; after giving gay people all hell about what a real marriage is! Well, my parents taught me it's taking the good and the bad, excluding abuse and cheating. It's working together to make it work. Compromising through disagreements. Watching each others back; and using love and trust for fuel. Having generous supplies of forgiveness, and undying devotion!
They practiced what they preached in-front of me; so I know how to use it in my own relationships. I have love in my life again. I feel so blessed!
Does she give you love, and support you through thick and thin? Put-up with all your stupid quirks? Overlook your faults? Did she stretch her body to give you children; and help you build a life you've bragged about all up until now? Do you raise your glasses on each anniversary, knowing you're part of a rare minority of people these days?
Tell you what buddy, lets trade places. I lost the one I love and had no choice in the matter. I had to go through grief for years and learn to cook for one. I had to stare at the empty chair he sat in, sleep in a big bed alone; and look at everything he left behind that reminded me of him.
I'm speaking to you man to man. Get-over yourself! If you love her, you better cherish that 30 years like crazy!!!
I wish you 30 more, if you paid any attention to all this I had to write. It was painful to recall the memories; but I want you to think.
Odd she brings this up out of nowhere? What did you say or do? Maybe something you've been hiding has been discovered?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): i also wanted to point out that she insists that it was only about 5 times to new york and she doesn't know why she blurted out 15. she also told me that it was only on her 3rd and 4th trip that this happened. she broke things off with him on the 5th trip while she was seeing me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): before we we became serious she was dating someone who had moved to New York and when we were visiting this state last week she told another friend that she had been there 15 times before. i about fell out of my chair and exclaimed that there is no way someone would have flown her from the midwest to new york 15 times without something happening. She denied anything happened for a few days and then finally admitted that she had slept with this guy on several trips. She said she can't remember exactly but probably about a dozen times
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 September 2017):
 Why has this issue come up after 30 years of marriage? Why now? What's the background to this?
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 September 2017):
 Are you sure she isn't lying now? Perhaps she was a virgin but for some reason she is telling you the opposite now.
You are taking this very seriously and she must have known the news would affect you.
I think you need to dig a bit deeper on this. Why tell you now? Why give you this hurtful information now?
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