A
male
age
41-50,
*akunamatata
writes:Hello there,I'd really appreciate your advise/help on my situation.Here's my story...I'm 29 and my gf/wife is 32, we live together now for about 2 and a half years, the relationship is going on about 3years now. We got married last month while on vacation, we haven't made it legal yet - it was the two of us on a beach, made our personal wows to each other and gave rings to each other. We both don't give too much stress to church or the legal marriage (although we'd like to do it in the near future). Long story short, I'm an IT manager and tend to travel a lot, particularly to one company where I have a company apartment and obviously I sleep there for one, sometimes two nights. The landlady of this apartment is a girl same aged as I am, obviously between invoices for gas/electricity etc. we got to know each other a little better and I think she's cool and a great talk.Me and my gf/wife have a really fantastic relationship full of joy and excellent communication (or so I think). But we have a lousy sex-life, in our early 30ies we tend to have sex about 3,4 times a month. I don't find that sufficient and we spoke about it various times, agreed to go counseling(which we never did), we spoke about what could the causes be a million times. Lately though, when I started to talk about the problem she rejected the debate and "accused" me to be too pushy and naggy about the topic. So in order not to hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable we stopped talking about it, sex was still not improving and I kept being frustrated.So what's my point?Well...as soon as we came back from the vacation (we were 1 month in SE Asia, with absolutely no worries or preoccupations and we had sex there 3 times). So my frustration kept growing and growing.... anyway, when I got to my company apartment, the land lady clicked me on google talk and we started talking. We kind of agreed to have wine some day and the debate proceeded pleasantly, we spoke about our trip in Asia shared some youtube links (funny videos) and then she started complaining about her fiance, I was reading her chat and replied accordingly. Then she asked about how's my relationship... and then for no exact reason I started typing everything that was on my chest. I told her how frustrated I feel about our sex-life and that she was lucky to have a good sex-life even if other things in her relationship were not working.So we continued in this direction, speaking about me and my gf/wife sex-life, she gave me a few tips and so forth.What's the point of all this?Well, the next day I came back home to my gf/wife and drove us home, but wanted to go out and buy some stuff at the corner shop (I was away maybe 20minutes). When I came home she was completely angry and mad at me - so I said "what's wrong?". And she said to ask "my new friend on the computer". So I went to check and the land lady had clicked me on our desktop computer with the opening line "hello bigfucker" (it sounds insulting in English, but in our language it's supposed to be ironic-fun). So I instantly reacted and deleted our gtalk conversation and then went back to my gf/wife and started explaining that it's just a joke and that it is the landlady (which I told her about in the past).But before I came home, she checked the chat history and saw the conversation about "having wine some day". So she snapped and said that she basically caught me, I kept telling her that it was nothing and to believe me that it was a simple joke and no dates/flirts/likings or whatsoever.2 days had passed in moaning and general bad mood between us, she felt betrayed but wanted to believe me. So after 2 days we were laughing again and having a good time, then at some point she said to go to this very apartment for the weekend (which we did sometimes in the past). And I said that I wouldn't want to as I'm there for work a lot and the city itself is not that interesting (to me it really isn't). She though that this sounded suspicious and started with little questions, then the debate arose again and she wanted to re-check the chat log. I though all fine, but I knew that she would kill me if I had the guts to talk about our sex-life to anyone outside our relationship who's not a counselor. So then I had confessed that I deleted the chat history.... and hell began again. She said that now it's obvious that I'm hiding something, what a double-face/liar am I and so forth. In order to move her though away from the cheating idea I told her the truth, that we spoke about sex (our-sex life) and I spoke with her this one time only, that there is absolutely no flirt or whatsoever between the two of us, basically I told her everything with complete honesty as is. The reason I wanted to hide the conversation from her is because I did not want to hurt her right now, perhaps I would have told her in the future - but right now was not a proper moment (I though).Anyway... she now says that I blew it big time and she cannot trust me anymore, even if she would want to believe me she doesn't have any evidence to grip on except my words (which at the moment are obsolete).So am I asking you guys and gals, what do you think? How could I explain to her in another manner that I never-ever meant any unfaithfulness or I ever planned anything? Should I give her some time to think on it(4days have passed)? Should I repeat the same story every day? At this point I'm really in a bad situation that I have created myself and the fault is all mine - I'm aware of that and I told her so.Please advise...Thank you!p.s. prior to this we never-ever had any similar or vaguely similar situations to deal with
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female
reader, jitterbug  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 I agree that the sex issues in your relationship needs to be addressed.
However, your divulging of you and your gf's most private issues with another women, crossed the line. I've been in your gf's shoes on that issue, and I felt horribly, terribly betrayed. It made me feel like my secrets were no longer safe with the one person I thought I could trust above all others.It was like being sucker-punched.
If you want to have a healthy, committed relationship based on honesty, never discuss the issues with anyone who could be a potential alternative to your SO. See a counselor. vent on line, but when you begin exchanging intimate information with a member of the opposite sex, without your SO's knowledge, or consent, you've made a breach of trust. You've entered into an emotional affair.
Shoe on the other foot......Imagine that on one or more occasions you had trouble performing sexually.It's normal, it happens to most men .
How would you feel if you discovered that your gf had discussed that with a male friend, behind your back??
Without consulting you first???
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Well guy,,This is a tough one. You tried to talk to the G/F, you tried getting her to go to Counseling with you which she refused to do. She isn't interested in sex in the relationship, doesn't want to talk with you about it, refuses to see counselor with you, then gets pissed because you talked to someone else ??? And supposedly it's all your fault ????Give me a fricking break. That is asinine. Your G/F needs to be an adult and accept responsibility for shutting down your needs/wants/desires,, THAT is NOT Love. It's CONTROL. She apparently has a very small sex drive and refuses to accept or understand there is a real connection factor associated with sex with the one you love. LMAO.. people come on here and ask millions of sex questions and talk about it and that is ok. But finding or having one person to confide in is wrong?? That is flawed thinking. G/F needs to learn how to communicate with you and talk about her lack of sexual desire with you. Your G/F's selfishness and refusal to be open and honest with you doesn't mean your worries/desires/wants/needs/etc. should be ignored. Your G/F is trying to make you the "bad guy" because she has constantly ignored you and your feelings. That is KRAP !!
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A
male
reader, james675  +, writes (5 February 2010):
Right, having just spent the past 10 min imagining what would happen if I were in your situation with my wife. It doesn't stand thinking of!
I have to say you're wife is letting you off easy if you haven't had at least a couple of books thrown at you!
You never NEVER discuss your sex life with other people once you're married. It was alright in your early years when you could brag about your conquests with the lads but things are changing my friend. And to discuss it with another woman... OVER WINE!! Holy hell! You must be one smooth talker to still be alive.
Don't rationalise it, don't even attempt to explain it - start grovelling!
Get rid of the flat, delete the landlady from all means of communication and splurge on one hell of a Valentines present!!
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A
male
reader, hakunamatata +, writes (5 February 2010):
hakunamatata is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Sarcy24
really appreciate your reply.
Let me go further,
I have had MANY occasions when I had clear signs of "sex on offer" and always rejected it. I'm the kind of guy who believes in healthy "walt-disney" relationships. Maybe I'm yet naive, but for the moment I do believe in that.
As a matter of fact, we were in Thailand as well and I had many massages while my gf/wife was on the beach (as she doesn't like massages). About 80% of the massau's asked me for the mandatory happy ending massage and I always rejected.
This one conversation happened "out of the blue" I was not asking for advice, I did not start this topic nor did we joke about sex, it was a serious talk as a problem not as a flirty thing. We were in no manner flirting or whatsoever.
Then again, like I said - I do understand her as I put myself in her shoes and ask myself how would I react (and I would do pretty much the same). The lack of sex is a problem and that's a whole new topic, so I won't go in there.
Discontinuing the contract with this landlady and hence the apartment is absolutely no problem to me (and I told her so), nor is complete deletion of this person from my contacts. I truly have no problem with this.
I messed up good and I'm sorry, but I'd like to hear some advice on how to make her truly understand everything and that there is no minimal foundation for being suspicious.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (5 February 2010):
 I am sorry to say but after reading your post I would not be too happy if I was your g/f. I would not like my sex life being discussed with anyone at all and especially with a woman and I would have trust issues with you. The fact that you say that you are unhappy about the amount of sex you are getting makes me feel that if on offer you may well have had sex with the landlady. I have been in similar situations before and I have found that whenever a man starts sharing close personal information about his relationship with another woman that there is more to it. I am not saying for one minute that you are cheating but I think if the opportunity arose and you were drinking wine with the landlady in another city far from home that you may well be tempted. I would be so annoyed if I was your g/f and would probably insist that you never went to the flat again or that you changed jobs. The deleted history, the over familiar pet name would all be warning bells to me.
If you want to keep your girlfriend I would cut down your visits to the flat for a while, take your g/f out a lot, spoil her and do not in any way pressurise her for sex.
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