A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We got married 16 years ago and i had to ask her parents for permission to marry her since we were both brought up the old fashioned way, so at that time we got to know each other for about a year before we got married. before I met her I had two relationships that didn't work out and I told her that in the beginning when we met. but herself in the beginning she played it off like she was a virgin and i believed her because the way she was brought up and her parents being old fashioned wouldn't let her date until she was ready to get married and I respected that. so 3 months later as I'm getting to know her she tells me she had a two year relationship with a guy without her parents knowing and yes she had sex with him, I respected that I can understand it's hard to grow up without dating, everyone wants that affection even when they're young and I asked her is that the only one guy you've ever been with and she promised only him, so we moved on . so 16 years later I'm still in love with her and we have four children she sits me down one day and decides to tell me something that has been bothering her for years and I need to know so she can get it off her chest. so as she's telling me she was very nervous and shaky with tears she says I've had sex with four black guys and 1 of them was a booty call I didn't know how to handle it I never thought this would happen to me I never thought she would hold such a thing from me all those years I'm so upset so angry I can't even think straight anymore I don't know how to act with her it's so frustrating its like I want to run away but I cant my children will never forgive me they're still young I cant do this to them..she has misled me all these years just like she misled her parents and the beginning. but I understand she's the same person that I married 16 years ago but what makes me angry is that she lied for her own selfishness just so that I would marry her.. it makes me think if her parents weren't strict would she still have married me or end up with a black guy? I need help! I don't trust her ! I wish she never told me all this, she has held it this long she should have just never told me. now the guilt is off her chest and I'm dealing with all the suffering!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): Im the one with the post...
To the female anonymous.
Just want to say thank you!
I will move on, one day at a time and learn more from this.
My wife said to me she didn't want to lose me and that's why she lied and she said i would of never got to know her as the great wife she is today If the truth was revealed in the beginning.
I do believe her on that part because we do click together. Are sex life is great, We love doing the same things like working out together staying fit or going out to dinner once a week enjoying each others company.
So thats the main reason im trying so hard to fight this hurt i have.
maybe all these good things about her makes me feel today she understands those were all mistakes in her teenage years. she trys harder to be that great wife and mother to her children.
so me telling you this obviously tells you I gave it a lot of thought instead of reacting differently towards her.
but I'll be honest the pain is still their and it seems they will never go away because of the images. I'll just have to fight through this and we will see what happens in time. Thanks agian Anonymous female and everyone else!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): Hmmm...This was interesting. I'm the female anon from before.Well,I have some replies, some observations and some questions.Observation: you react the same way a woman would if her man cheated on her. I reacted the exact same way and had those exact feelings you do (i.e my opnion of him was very,very high,I put him on a pedestal and he fell very,very low. I tell you what I did next (if that helps)- I tried to keep him "in the middle", i.e he could never go back that high again, but I wanted to think of him as "a good guy who did something wrong". Coz you know good people can make silly, hurtful choices too. Once in a while. None of us is a saint. We all have faults and pasts.In MY case-his actions convinced me that there was no middle ground. His words were too hurtful, his actions too out-of-the ordinary (from my pov, from what I knew of him). Maybe you don't know that version of her, that's why it shocked you so much? But she is not that any more.Think of this: when you are 5, you want to be a cosmonaut, when you're 15 you want to be with THAT guy and only HE would do, he is the ONE etc, when you are 20 you want THAT job, when you are 25 you want Mr Right etc.My point is-all of those people are you, but you want different things at different stages of your life. Thus, you act differently as you aim for something else. (PS:Oh,it also taught me to never put any one on a pedestal ever again... They just have further to fall that way...)OBSERVATION: She hasn't actually cheated on you. YET you react as if she has. BUT all of this happened BEFORE you met her, BEFORE she was YOUR wife.QUESTION: So why does it matter now?This is what I don't get. If (unlike my ex) she was good to you all this long,long time and nurtured your family,cherished you AND she seems to be repenting for what for many women is a "little white lie" (as you have no business/control over her and her past choices and of course she doesn't over yours. i.e. -if in the past you had slept with 20 women would it be ok for your wife to get upset about this NOW? It happened BEFORE HER. =irrelevant)You say she got what she wanted. Maybe. Maybe not.There is something in the "why wait for 16 years and then drop the bomb?" question.You said she made you wait and hasn't made others wait. So? Why do the others matter? And even if she cared for you/was interested in you IF she would have dropped her panties for YOU with the same speed as she did the other guys would SHE be YOUR WIFE today?Admit this to yourself honestly.IF she had-would she be the mother of YOUR CHILDREN today? My guess is you'd have thought :"Oh,she is an easy woman,so no good wife material".But she turned out to be GREAT wife material (by your own words) and maybe you'd have never got the chance to find THAT out if she would have put out quickly for you.Maybe that's what she ultimately learnt from this? I.e. that if you put out quickly guys don't consider you for a serious relationship? For marriage?I don't know. We don't have her pov and I'm not actually defending her actions, coz I'm pretty straightforward, BUT because I'm very straightforward I think you and I would never have crossed paths in a "serious relationship"...Maybe you would have discarded me too quickly for being an "easy woman"... Maybe I'd have been a great mother to your children too...Maybe? Who knows???I'm not actually saying that I would have, I'm saying I MAY have been... Your wife already HAS BEEN a good wife and a good mother.There are so many "maybe"s in our lives that is not worth it...If you know what I mean. Maybe this? Maybe that?IF you keep it up, it will eat you up INSIDE... Trust me on this one. I'd give you an example: "Maybe if my ex wouldn't have cheated on me, we would be married by now (was on the cards) and I'd already have my family? Maybe we would be in China right now as was planned?"Maybe this, maybe that. Point is: it did NOT happen.The other version of things happened. The one I don't like, but that's what I got. And I gotta deal with it.And.at least, in your case, you don't seem to have been short-changed... ON the OPPOSITE!Sorry for rambling,was just trying to help and you expressed the same feelings as I had when I was going through stuff.I hope it has given you a new perspective.Appreciate what you've got and don't yearn for what MIGHT have been. Be happy with what you do HAVE.If,ultimately, you are not happy-change the situation. But at least give it a go first.PS: Oh,and do get to the BOTTOM of why she told you NOW. (in case is something else than guilt,but it could be just guilt)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): Im the one with the post....
This is to the anonymous female with the post..
you hit that right on Point! maybe without the lie I would of never gotten to know her or maybe I would have ended up with a virgin or a different women that I wasn't happy with as much as I am with my wife.
but nobody can predict the future if I ended up with someone else if I would have been happy or not for all I know, And i understand sometimes life is not fair but we have to move on.
But like what i said in my last post, my wife got what she wanted and that's why she lied because it works, and has worked for many other women.
So now im in a happy marriage with a wife i dont trust, A wife that made me wait to have sex with her till marriage because she wanted to play the innocent role. how would that make me feel? when she dropped her pants for other guys the first month or maybe weeks and booty calls with no relationship but it's okay I'm the one that has to deal with it. I'll tell you one thing I had her high up on a pedestal and i might still be happy with my good marriage wife, but i will never think highly of her anymore. only time I will respect her and love her is because she's the mother of my children and the way I was brought up to forgive. But the lie will haunt me forever No matter what the future will be with us together.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 I know from another forum that a guy had married two virgins and they both cheated on him while the experienced non pure one fulfilled her duty as a third wife. Not made up. You could look it up if you researched by I don't want to redirect readers there.
I still feel it's possible that OP's wife gave him good years solely out of guilt of lying. Some men feel like because they sacrificed not experiencing other women in their youth, women should wholeheartedly give them everything to compensate for this loss. Anything less than a pure virgin, good wife is cheating a man's life.
I am not saying drop your religious beliefs but without religion there won't be priests abusing little boys, there won't be frustrated angry young men and there won't be robbed dreams. People are much happier when they are allowed to genuinely experience life without shame and immoral labels thrown onto them. True there is a lot of charity done by religious groups but overall more pain had resulted in the name of religion such as wars, segregation of people, rape, sodomy and sexually frustrated men and women. There are virgins who had been fundamentalists but could not enjoy marital sex because their minds had been messed up with concepts of sin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): To the OP:
it was very interesting for me to read this discussion (and there have been a few of those lately!)
But this is actually one of those few posts,where I do NOT think that women stick together (you mentioned male vs female pov being so different).
You know how they say men and women think differently sometimes? All that "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" stuff? I don't believe this entirely,but I think partially this is what is going on here.
As a woman, IF she gave you a GREAT marriage and LOVELY children (that's your own words), then I don't see what the big issue is.
I understand that you are upset about the lying,but, as a woman I can't see how this (some hanky panky before you two got together) could be more relevant than what she GAVE you-a great marriage, lovely children and being a good wife to you.
She did NOT give any of that to ANY of those guys... She chose you. Hence why I don't get the whole idea of "robbed" life.
Sure,it's true-you could have made different choices and ended up with a whole different life,but who is to say that it could have been BETTER than what you've got? Sure,it could have been but it also could have been way, way WORSE.
What I'm trying to say is: you could have gotten your virgin and then what? What if she couldn't run a household? What if she was always brought up to rely on others, never fend of for herself and thus relied too heavily on you for everything? What IF her inexperience meant that you were stuck for life with a silly,non very world-wise girl (notice I'm saying a girl,not a woman)?
How would that have been any better???
Some women, due to circumstances, much like some men, never grow up.
Instead you got what you describe to be 16 HAPPY years and a GREAT marriage. Now, tell me, how many people have "great" marriages and are happy for so long? Not many that I know of, that's for sure.
She has GIVEN you the BEST version of herself.
She has given the others, well, the immature and not-so-good version. The one that needed to learn to be able to be appreciate when a good thing came her way (YOU).
And it seems like she has appreciated you and given you a lot.
I agree with you-she either should not have lied to you or kept it to herself, but I guess her guilty conscience was eating at her too much. I agree with other female posters: she has nothing to gain from this, maybe only things to lose (though,yes, you should not be the one dealing emotionally with the consequences of her actions,but life is not fair.)
I have tried to give you as open and honest female perspective as possible. I understand that yours is different, but I also need you to understand that not everybody gets the BEST version of me.
Ultimately, if you can't overcome this difficulty in your marriage, you'll have to decide if you can continue or if you want to go back on the look for "pure" women.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I'm a different anonymous male than the previous posters...All I can say: she played you like a fiddle. She hid her past from you from the get go for a reason and you certainly have every right to be upset. Had she told you all this beforehand, you might not have stayed with her - you might have found someone else better fit for you, had different children, lived somewhere else etc. This is why the other guys on here are talking about a 'robbed life'.
Your best bet? Take some time to seriously think about your future. If you decide to stay, seek professional guidance. If not, it'll eat away at you every damn day. People will say, 'the past is the past, get over it' but that's an extremely tough pill to swallow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): Wait - so in order to make the relationship work now the OP needs to give up even MORE? Now he needs to stop respecting his religious & moral convictions too? Because she didn't respect them enough to live by them, and tricked him, now it's his problem to change himself to accept her ways?
Once again it's all the OP's problem, isn't it? He must do more sacrificing, more changing, suffer more hurt, etc. At no point in any of this does his wife get any downsides for any of it! This whole thing is practically all a win for her.
If I was the OP I would never forgive her betrayal. I might try to stay with her, and put it behind us, and move forward for the sake of the kids. I might even try to re-establish a new relationship of some kind. But forgive her? Hell no. She does not deserve it and he does not owe her that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 March 2015):
I know there are women who fake innocence as entry to marriage then fake being sorry as the exit. They do that (drop the bomb) when kids turn 18, after their parents die, after christmas, and conveniently before Valentine's day. Those are the ones who don't deserve to keep the home and child custody. I really hope his wife is not that kind. If she's able to feel sorry for lying she would be guilty to take his money too. What does she gain by telling him now when the youngest is barely a teen?
I take my pants off early for any men, including my husband so I never have this problem. I despise lying myself. You may feel misunderstood because the women in this forum did not feel the need to lie, and their men never pushed to be with pure innocent women.
She did not steal money. As married couples we all work hard so whether you are a housewife or you work full time it belongs to both of them. I would deal with an angry husband and say, "I am never after your money. Here, take what you think you are worth then leave." A person of conscience would feel bad taking money they don't deserve.
Unlike Catholics, the Mennonites let their children go wild before they settle down, instead of suppressing their curiosities and labelling them immoral. Religion is a great guideline for life at times, but at other times it is a set up for disappointment and being disenfranchised. Without the pressure to be perfect and pure, no one would feel the need to lie. I would choose to be happy over morally righteous. Being a Catholic male is worse I would say because you set the standard so high that other people can't live up to and what's resulted is a lot of pretense going on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): Im the one with the post...
I just wanted to say thank you for the advice the male's gave me.
I dont know how i will deal with this but im a strong person, I love my children to death and I'll make sure their brought up the right way. As my wife i know she has given me a great 16 years. But what I've have learned is she wasn't that person who respected her self growing up like her parents wanted her too and she knew it. So to make matters worse she knew i wasn't going to except it when i came into the picture. So 16 years later she tells me when she knows it to late for me to make a decision because she has held me in a corner and to choose between her and my children, So she got what she wanted thats why women mislead men, because it works and it has worked for my wife. But i will deal with it and move on no matter what because im strong..and why im strong is because this page made me this way. Im not alone their are so many men like me i read about here with the same issue im having. Its crazy how most women lie for their own selfishness because us men hold them accountable but still not fair for us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): What the OP's wife did was effectively steal his choice from him and mislead him in order to set herself up in life.
Now she feels safe enough to come clean. I dont think she was purposely being this calculating but its the same result. She held down the guilt long enough to make sure she wouldn't risk losing her nice (stolen) life. Now that her assets are safe she has unloaded the final drawback she was dealing with onto him. She knows this is a good-natured Christian man who will think about his kids and his history with her. She can count on him to do the right thing and deal with it. That means no real lasting consequences for her, just temporary storm and then a long term improvement for her.
If a person steals a lot of money from someone else and uses it to set themselves up, they are a thief and they deserve to be punished. "I have felt very guilty all these years" does not make up for it, especially when they even ditch the guilt later on like this. They still have improved their whole life at someone else's expense. Feeling bad about it does not do anything to help the person it was stolen from.
As for black guys, I think what the OP is trying to say is that he feels like he isn't the type of man she is most attracted to after all. And IMO he has a good reason to feel like that now. When you find out that your woman secretly dropped her pants for other guys far quicker than you, who looked different from you, and she wanted you to do all the waiting & dating & marrying her, then you probably don't feel very respected & honored to be with her anymore. You probably feel used.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 March 2015):
I was born too late so I probably shouldn't be here. I don't equate love same as desiring that she's never slept with anyone else. Just because people don't care to know about pasts doesn't mean they don't love their partner. I certainly get why you are upset about the lying. Women lied because they felt their future was doomed if other people knew.
You may feel she needed consequences for her lying. Believe me, she already did with her 16 years suffering in silence. She doesn't need your anger to feel bad.
I still think happiness is a choice. Alcoholics can stop drinking. With mindful training people can walk on hot coals and not burn their feet. Some people can control heart rate. Let's not accept the doom and gloom experiences that other people've had as your fate.
It is religion and tradition that indirectly caused shame and people to lie. If you still feel religion is a useful tool to you then use it. According to Jesus she had been forgiven already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): you was deceived , she was in the wrong. she did this out of selfish interest, looking out for her future with you. its about how she covered her tracks for 16 years. its about how she hurt you, and it makes you feel less special. even like your just a number on down her list. i can say this because i have been in places of hurt before. it makes you feel like the past 16 years have been a lye too an extent. these people bringing up race, stereotype are missing it. the thing is you was mislead. i have seen images of my wife with guys of the past and it hurts. it has consumed my thoughts at times. it seems like there is not a day that go's by that i do not think of it to some extent. i have been married over thirty years. it hurts you because you love her, you care for her . if you did not love her you would have no problem with her being wit other guys. people that tell you to get over it , and the past is the past, and turning it around to your past is no help to you. yes you need to think of the kids, get Christian marriage counseling, offer her when you can acceptance , unconditional love, forgiveness if possible. right now you are hurting i have been there also in my life over my wife's sexual past. prayer is a big plus for your needs.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 OP, I have read your post and that's PRECISELY what makes me wonder why what you see these guys having in common ( if the do have anything in common ) ,and having "over" you, is their being BLACK.
For all you know, what they had in common maybe was that they were ,say, tall and handsome. Or, assertive , self comfident and charismatic. Or, they had a way with words and could charm the pants off any woman. Or, they dressed well or danced well, or ..... It could be anything , actually, that attracted your wife to these men, regardless of their being black .
If , as you seem to imply, your wife just can't help herself , she has to dtop her pants when she is around black guys, and all she looks for into a man is that he must be black, - never mind what happened then, the trouble starts NOW. You'd have to worry about her invincible attraction to black guys and make sure she never gets in touch with any.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 March 2015):
Maybe it's the fear that all white women secretly love black men more and only marry white ones because of their parents. The assumption that blacks are sexier and whites are representable in public. I can assure you that's not true. There are many things that college students do, wise or not, that they stop doing after they get married. Like marijuana, exploring bi curiosity, and stuff like running around naked. It's a phase they go through.
I think you are still at an angry phase and all communication is closed down with your wife. The best person to ask is your wife. Perhaps what you need to hear from her is that regardless of her upbringing she would still have chosen you as life partner. Still want to know why she chose that particular moment to tell you. Is she under stress or something made her very emotional?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Im the one with the post...
To .cindycares. You asked why did i say 4 black guys? Like i said in my last post, females have different things to say! then actually helping me which is the reason im on this page. Cindycares! If you read my first post a little more accurate and I understand what I'm saying you would know why I said black guys..its because would of my wife married a black person instead of me if her parents weren't stirct and old fashion...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 March 2015):
I'd be curious too to know what makes it relevant that it was four BLACK guys. Why even mentioning it ?!
If the problem is that she said it only had been one guy and instead it turns out they were four... then what difference does it make if they were white or black or Asian or short or tall etc.etc. ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): I agree to keep this between you and your wife. Don't bring the parents and the kids into it.
I agree to go to counseling. But beware that there is not much sympathy or understanding out there for your side of this. Most of the respected sources of help for relationship issues will be entirely on her side. You will be called insecure, big male ego, etc. Anything to shift the blame and personal shortcomings onto you instead of all on your wife.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (1 March 2015):
I believe that the OP is upset about the deceit. I do not believe that this is a race issue or one about insecurities. It was a relationship he believed what built on trust and honesty. People are brought up with different values around different cultures so it is important to keep these things in mind. His wife also knows what she did was wrong, else she would not have hid it for so long. Surely, we would also want to avoid double standards in today's society.
I would not know how to move on from this but there is a huge question as to why she is choosing now to tell you now. I feel like there have been many other opportunities for her. I personally do not admire her timing for saying her past now because like you said, you almost do not have a choice in the matter due to your children.
My best advice would be to perhaps seek some counselling immediately because I can imagine that bottling this inside is stressful for you. Having said that, I would also advise to please keep this issue between you and your wife. This problem is between the both of you. It is her choice to tell her parents. Your children should not be involved in this matter and they should continue to respect their mother. I do believe you can overcome her past, but it does seem like you will need to re-learn your wife because I am sure you are seeing her differently. It is hard even for me to question her motives from now on.
Perhaps your wife isn't the person you thought you knew...but this does not have to be a bad thing. Maybe you will enjoy a new journey trying to re-discover her...I mean no one is perfect and we all do make mistakes. And she does sound like a good woman for the most part. Give it some time, it is too soon to make any decisions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Im the one with the post...I love how i get such different response from female post then i do from male's postsIts like women stick together no matter what the situation is and men understand my problems... To all the females! She lied to me! I have a choice to be with someone based on the truth! Just like i gave her the truth. If i was insecure i would of never married her when she told me she wasn't a Virgin..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): if that was four white guys will you feel different about the situation? if its white guy you will say she had sex with four guys, if its black guys, you will say she had sex with four black guys... get over it.. she didn't cheap on you, what she did was before she met you.. you are so insecure... get over it and move on
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): Im the one with the post..
I feel sick to my stomach,i cant even handle the thought of. I understand im the one that has to live with it. I have to make a decision to live with the pain and hope it fades away or leave her and deal with a different pain of leaving my kids without a fulltime dad. But i do think of the good things about my wife, that she has been the same person for 16 years. But then again it makes me feel what else is she hiding. The trust is gone! All i know is i could never hold a lie like that from someone i love, but she did it for her own selfishness and that very wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): I feel for you on the images and how haunting and gut wrenching they are. Frankly, your wife should not have said anything to you because all of that, no matter how stigmatic and low, happened before you were in the picture. But that tells you that she has never been disloyal to you, and you being s Christian man as you say, you should know that nothing she told you is a sin against you because, like all illegitimate sex, it is sin against oneself, and your job is not to be consumed in images and sob about your self but to show healthy purpose towards her intent to feel absolved personally. To beat your images focus on positives you have built with your wife, serve her purpose and keep doing that over time so that those images go away. Prayer and deletion of your intent to be with her also helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): There isn't much you can do. She took advantage of you with her lies and stole the prime of your life. You need to understand one thing now: There is never an end to this hurt you feel. You can learn to deal with it, you can get philosophical about it, etc, but its here to stay as long as she is your woman. Anyone telling you otherwise has not truly been in your shoes. Part of being in your shoes is having your lifetime background and making the sacrifices you did for your morals. I am telling you this because you need to decide whether to stay with your wife now based on good information. Men in your shoes are subject to being fed way too much sunny "you'll get over it" bullshit from people who can only identify with your wife and basically don't know what the hell they are talking about. If you listen to them, then by the time you realize the cruel truth of how permanent this emotional pain really is its too late. You would have already reinvested too much into your marriage to make the hard choice to leave. So make your decision with realistic information right now. If you stay with her, you need to do it with the full knowledge that this emotional pain is permanent. You need to know that and your wife needs to know it too. You may be able to learn to deal with it but you cannot ever get rid of it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 February 2015):
You are stronger than your images. They will fade in time. You can create good memories in the present instead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): Im the one with the post...She loves me. She just wanted to get it off her chest. We never had problems in are marriage. Its been 16 years we've been together. I can try to move on but the image's in my head are messing me up really bad.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 February 2015):
I assume you are both white. I am not going to pretend I don't know of negative stereotypes against black people and that race is just a skin color. I think her telling you this is more than letting guilt of her chest. Why, one day out of the blue after 16 years, she is telling you this? You are at a stage where your children are gaining independence and you have more time to reflect what you've done in your life. The fact she got so emotional about it is because she's not able to let the past go herself. Her decisions to rebel against parents then to marry you as the right choice has led to her questioning whether the marriage is right for her. It makes me question if she had just been doing her duty, going life through motions and not being in love with you. The sex act itself was just enjoying curiosities, seeing what the taboo was about. I think a marriage that doesn't fulfill her is more of a mistake than having sex with 4 black guys. I think you have to go deep into what this issue is about, and the real reason she is bringing it up. That would decide the next course of your marriage. It is not fair for you to both suffer when you don't see a solution to it.
If her parents weren't traditional, that doesn't mean she would have married a black guy. It just meant that she would be able to exercise her free will, experience trial and error and not live her parents' life.
If, her aim is to apologize and nothing else, then she has to show you why she chose you and why you are still the greatest man. If everything else is great in the marriage, financial wise and intimacy wise, then I would feel it is easy to let go and forgive. When people are that bothered by the past it usually signifies there is something wrong in the marriage, beneath the facade of a seemingly normal appearance.
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