A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The main question I have is What is the right/appropriate way of telling someone to clean up after themselves?Here's the background:My best friend and I are roommates in an apartment. We get along great, we help out with payments, we split every bill. No arguments.However our apartment is rather messy...Now I'm not going to lie, I'm no clean freak. I can be a down right slob most of the time. BUT I keep the mess to my bedroom because I know I'm the only one that has to live with that mess. When it comes to the kitchen, the living room, and the bathroom, I try my absolute best to avoid making/leaving messes. Our biggest issue to this day is dishes. When we started out, things were bad. Dishes would pile up in the sink, we'd run out of clean dishes, the food stuck to the dishes would start to mold, etc. It was bad. And my roommates an artist, so she dumped unused paint leftovers into the disposal and long story short we had some disposal/dishwasher malfunctions. However a maintenance guy came, showed us a quick fix and now things work great. However with our perfectly working dishwasher somehow dishes would still end up piled high in the sink.I eventually started just doing the dishes whenever I saw them because I couldn't stand letting them pile up (and this is coming from someone who absolutely hated doing dishes back home). I had been doing this for awhile but would get fed up at seeing dirty spoons and plates on the counter when they could easily go right into the dishwasher. I thought I would make it easy and I ended up putting two sticky notes on the dishwasher one that said CLEAN and one that said DIRTY. When she got home and saw this she asked what it was about. And I casually rolled it off like no big deal and said "I thought it would be easier to prevent dishes from piling up. Now if you see the dirty sign you know we can just put them directly in the dishwasher" and she thought it was a good idea and went along with it. After awhile though I would see more dishes just sitting on the counter or on the sink. And I was getting angrier. It got to the point where she came into the kitchen to put a spoon in the sink and I caught her and said "No! Dishwasher" and she gave in but made the excuse that she did it because she saw the one knife in the sink. (This was because she bought fancy cutting knives that she specifically told me couldn't go in the dishwasher. So those are the ONLY ones that get set aside). Again, I did it in a joking/casual way so she wouldn't get the sense I was mad.That all seems like a lot of fuss for just dishes. But that's only the start. We have constant bags of garbage piling up, wrappers and garbage strewn about the living room, etc. I keep my messes small and pick them up when I can but she leaves hers everywhere. Every time she empties a box of food or finishes off something in a box. She'll just leave the box next to the garbage... I end up breaking them down when she's not there and throwing them away. It just feels like it's a competition of who can cave in first. We pile up the garbages to the point where I can't stand it anymore and I give in and take them out. If i didn't she would just pile it up more and more. Finally there's the shower. After living in the dorms for 2 years, we were constantly told "take a paper towel with you and clean out the drain when you're done" simple as that. But since we moved into the apartment that kind of just ended. Now every time I go to take a shower I have to first clean out a huge dried chunk of her hair. And I know it's hers because I clean out the drain after every shower I take so as not to leave my hair behind because I would be so embarrassed if she had to clean out my hair. But things are just irritating now. I'm still the only one running loads in the dishwasher, constantly taking out the garbage, cleaning out the gross expired food that sits in the fridge for days, and always pulling dried hair out of the shower drain.I want to say something but then again I don't. I don't want to embarrass her or anger her, or give her the idea that I'm actually full on angry at her because I'm not. I still laugh and chat with her, it's only when I come across the messes that my anger comes again. I've always been a passive aggressive person and I know it's bad. I've been trying to change because I don't want it to ruin our friendship. I flat out got a little ill-tempered when I saw that she had eaten almost all of my ice cream but left only one for me. (I'm very emotionally attached to food. Don't ask haha). I told her in a very clearly bothered voice "I appreciate you leaving me one, but could you please tell me when you take one? I noticed all my Hershey bars were gone the other day." I ended it with a nervous laugh and realized that was when my passive aggressiveness slipped out at the end with the Hershey bars. She said ok and sorry but didn't look at me. The next day she bought me a big Hershey bar and to this day still won't touch it when I say she can have it. (I'm not a huge chocolate person, so it takes me a long time to finish one bar). Basically I don't mind sharing, I just ask that she tell me or ask me first. Is that so bad?Basically I felt bad that I made her feel like she needed to buy me a replacement. I don't want to make her feel bad for these things or embarrass her. I just want her to prevent these messes from happening so I don't have to come around and pick up everything for her. Especially the hair thing because that's just gross...I don't want to move out because we are such good friends and I know her friendship is 10x more worth keeping than falling out over stupid little messes that I've been putting up with and can continue putting up with. I just want her to put in that little extra effort.So what's the best way to go about it? I don't want to flat out say, "I'm sick of cleaning your messes" but I don't want to leave passive-aggressive notes either, as I've read that's a huge no-no. She's a super good friend, just messy/lazy. And most of the time I do it because she works later nights than I do. But I can't always be cleaning for her.Any advice? And please don't think I'm being a stuck up clean freak, I'm not, it's just have you ever had to constantly clean up after someone else who's old enough to clean themselves? I basically feel like a mother now, because I know my mom went through the same thing with me and now I realize how annoying it must have been for my mom.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): OP here.
I do think a schedule would maybe help, but I don't think it's something we would stick to. We're both very bad when it comes to sticking with routines.
As for your comments WiseOwlE;
Yes, I know we're both to blame. But like I explained I try my best to pick up when I can. I've even been trying to be better at keeping my room clean.
I'm not petty, I pick up garbage when I see it, I just don't understand why she comes so close to doing the chore but doesn't finish. Examples: why she can't take two extra steps to walk from the table to the garbage can and throw wrappers away instead of simply leaving them on the table. Why she can place a box NEXT to the garbage can, but not take a few extra seconds to break the box down and put it IN the garbage can. Why she can place a dirty spoon on the counter right above the dishwasher instead of taking two seconds to open the dishwasher and just stick the spoon in there. Do you see what I mean?
Yes, we are best friends and very compatible, I'm just not a confrontational person and she knows this. I don't like getting into arguments. That's why if I were to be confrontational I get shaky, nervous, and feel like crying because I don't want to come across as someone who makes a big deal out of little things. I feel like from then on she'll think I'm just this controlling person when I'm not. I'm just not that type of person. I'd rather deal silently with something that bothers me than risk upsetting a good friend. Part of it is also the internal question of whether or not I'm being irrational in making a big deal out of something so small. Will she see it as something understandable or will she think I'm being ridiculous in even bringing it up, you know?
But you're right. We do both have different structures that aren't meshing quite right. I think when she's in a decent mood I'll just try casually bringing it up. I just don't want it to come across like I'm dumping a whole list of issues onto her all at once.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): Neither of you have structure; or any form of an agreement on who does what, and when.
You call this person your best friend, but you can't even talk to her straight?!! Seriously?!!
You're somewhat of a hypocrite; because you can live in a messy bedroom, but you want the rest of the house tidy. You cant' be that inconsistent; and you can't be scared to speak-up. Keep the whole house clean. Don't be petty, if you see something on the floor, just pick it up.
Chores should be shared, and you should take turns by the week. This week, you do the dishes. I'll do laundry. Trade-up. Do it daily! If you let the house turn into a mess before you clean-up; you're both equally guilty. You have no right to complain. You're both lazy.
Use one dish, fork, spoon, or glass? Rinse it and put it away. Buy a plastic tub small enough to fit in the kitchen sink. Fill it with hot water and dish soap. Place glasses and "small" things in the soapy water to soak. Then take turns emptying the tub before bedtime. If you have structure and you both agree to keep to the agreement, you don't have to be fussy.
When it comes to food. Get plastic containers, plastic wrap, or foil. Buy extra snacks to share. Wrap your share in foil, or put it in a container. If she has to open a closed storage container; that gives her time to pause and think before she touches your food. If you shop together and like the same things; buy enough for two. If she eats more than her share, when you see her walking out the door; politely ask that she pickup whatever you're out of. Keep a grocery list on the fridge. Use "please" and "thank you" without a rude attitude, if you want her to do something. Keep to the routine, and it becomes habit.
There's a cheap and simple trap you put over the drain to catch hair. Plastic or rubber gloves take the gross out of cleaning it.
Violators should put a dollar in a jar for any breech in your house-rule agreement. Having no house-rules is your problem. If you can't talk things out; you should consider moving-out. You're friends, but incompatible roommates. Waiting until you're irritated or the last straw before you address a problem with a "best friend" isn't fair. You both have to learn to compromise and respect each others space like adults.
When you start having constant issues with your roommate, you're tiring of having them around 24/7; and need your own space. It's hard to share a small space together without getting on each others nerves. Neither of you can do everything right. Give a little and take a little.
If you have a habit that annoys her, she's going to match you one. That's human-nature. You need to sit down and organize your household chores and clean-up your act.
YOU might do a few things SHE doesn't like; so you should work these issues out together. Be ready to take criticism, it goes both-ways. At least once a month; sit-down and talk-out your issues.
The best way to tell anyone anything is with tact, stick to the facts, and respectfully.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2015):
 Be a grown up. Sit her down, and tell her. I know it isn't nice to be the "clean police", but unless you talk to her, you will become the maid, and then you will REALLY start to resent her.
Tell her, hey I have noticed you don't like to load/unload the dish washer, and it kind of bothers me. I think we should figure out a chore list or some ground cleaning rules.
You need to do more then wipe the shower from hair. It needs to be clean. So does the rest of the bath room.
My advice make a schedule. ODD months (or weeks) one of you clean the bathroom and the other the kitchen. Then you both clean the shared living space.
As for food - either label them (name) and then make the RULE to ALWAYS ask first. It's common courtesy.
Personally, I AM a clean freak. I like things to be clean and in order. I have a brush in the shower/tub (one of those where you can put cleaning fluids in the handle) and I use it every time I shower. I know my kids don't pay attention to this, but they ALL know to clean he little drain-filter - you just lift it up and wife the hair off, then rise and put back. EVEN my 10 year old does it.
I have Clorox wipes I use for a daily wipe down (vanity, sink, mirror, toilet), and then once a week I scrub/clean/mop. Since we have multiple cats, I also scoop the 2 litter-boxes in the bathroom and the one in the basement 2-3 times a day. I don't want my house to smell or the cats to decide to "go" elsewhere because the litter-box is nasty.
Don't JOKE around. People WON'T take you serious when you do. And NOTHING will change.
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