A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my wife lied too me about her sexual past before we got married, she told me only one partner, too find out 12 year later she slept with four other men when she was a teenager. but she did come out and tell me because it was bothering her for so many years, but im very upset she couldnt be honest with me from the start and its really bothering me, im having these images of her having sex with these guys. i have three children now with her witch i really love but dont have the respect i used too for her shes a great person and a loving wife but what can i do too be normal again. her own mother and father married her off too me thinking she was a virgin all the things shes done were behind there backs because her parents were so oldfashion. so if i left her, her own parents wouldnt even talk to her anymore. please help me i dont want to destroy my family.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I think the poster has made up his mind.. further down he updates his post and wants to stay with his wife.
A
male
reader, Gingerman +, writes (30 August 2010):
Its so wonderful when others tell you that you should grow up...that its not a big thing...that you are now an adult and should behave as one...that you should move on, etc. Others are very ready to tell you exactly what you should think and feel. Sure. Of course.
Reality is that what really matters to you are your feelings and needs, and pain you are going through. You seem responsible for worrying about how your family is going to weather this storm. What you need to do is explore all your options in the emotional, secular such as councelling and legal. You need to know what options you have open to you to be able to make an informed decision. I do know how old your children are. Here in the United States, too many people get flustered about how will children cope...how will they handle this or that...they need to be protected...etc.
Children are more resilient than most people are willing to give them credit, and if they were to start turning into basket cases, that would mostly mean that you have been too doting on your children, and pampering them too much, and that is never good for a child. Protect them certainly but let them get a few bumps and bruises that they can handle. They will survive. You need to make a decision based on all options best open to you, and the children. If you were to decide to divorce, make certain that you never try to alienate their mother from them. Regardless of your feelings toward her, she is very likely loved by you children, and she should never have the love your children have for her be twisted. Whether you can get over this or not, and whether you remain together or not is your choice. How you deal with this according to your needs and likewise your children is your choice. You, and only you can make the decisions you need to come to terms with. No one else can or should make those choices for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): I don't reckon that finding out what the origin of the obsession is will help the poster. When you are obsessed, knowing where your obsession comes from doesn't make you any less obsessed.
I guess the problem here is the lie she told you 12 years ago. Because she left you without the chance of choosing another girl accordingly to your values. And that is a big deal, I guess. Everyone has the right to choose what he/she wants for him/her. And (may be) you could have chosen another different if 12 years ago you were aware of her sexual past.
We can discuss if such election is ethically wrong or not. But we can't deny it's a right everyone has.
What I say can sound a little hard. But it's what I think.
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A
male
reader, markfromcalifornia +, writes (30 June 2010):
I too had the problem of obsessing about my wife's past. I have found that it is because of my lack of forgiveness and worrying about how I "measure up". There are two huge triggers that I have found that begin these feelings. They are alcohol and pornography. I highly recommend you do not entertain any pornographic images or talk since these can trigger obsessive thoughts. That is my 2 cents :)
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 [Mod note: a previous anonymous answer was removed because it offered NO HELPFUL ADVICE for the poster and only made nasty comments about the wife in question. IF YOU DON'T HAVE HELPFUL ADVICE FOR THE POSTER, please DON'T BOTHER POSTING A REPLY. So some references to this previous post by an anonymous aunt/uncle may be contained within this answer. Sorry for any confusion.]Yes, others are like this. And I think the poster should reach a phase when he is indifferent to hearing others (even his own thoughts that are unrecognisable to him) label this kind of behaviour all sorts, and just not care, because he knows better than anyone his spouse is a great person today, a loving wife, an accomplished person, and so on. You did thought these about her before finding out a tiny piece of her past.A great thinker said that "no understanding is free of all prejudices". What is important is that you understand your prejudice, your prejudgements, be able to explain them and use them to reach a correct judgement. I know of other people who nobody thought much of during teenagehood, but who have grown out of that stage and surprisingly - or not! - today they are fully grown individuals, very respectable and respected, well balanced and very admirable people. I don't have any tools for you to cope, you have received great answers so far, and you will have gone a long way towards reconciling with the past just approaching the situation with an open mind and being open to learning - about people, yourself, your wife and learning in general. There are some things you are missing. I hope you are able to handle this and resume your happy marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): And that's how these stories always end.
That's why people deceive. It works. It is still working for this woman now, even after the story comes out and he gets angry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): I have just read all of your comments, and i thank you for helping me through a hard time of my life. I really love my wife and children but i cant see her just giving her body up like that, she doesnt seem that kind of person, she slept with 4 men in 2 years and the fifth guy she dated for 2 years is the one she told me about which i excepted and moved on until now 12 years later she left me in a hard place where she feels i cant walk away because of are three children.. she says she didnt want to tell me because she was afraid of losing me when she met me and it was something she wasnt proud of. Anyways im gonna have too move on with my life and forget because my family means more to me, if i leave her now i will be looking for something that doesnt exist.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 On the comment below:
"The value systems are more like a product of the genetics."
You are completely correct that men have a significant biological incentive to care about their partners history, one that women don't have to nearly the same degree. This is because, whilst women always know who the mother is (ie: them), men can never be certain that they are the father. Men subconsciously are trying to avoid bringing up another man's child as their own without realizing it. This is clearly a very poor darwinistic strategy! This non-symmetrical relationship is deeply encoded in our genes and our sexual behaviour.
Having said that, I disagree with you on your conclusion.
Our genes give rise to emotions, not values. We are programmed to 'feel' a certain way because of our genetics. By contrast, our values come from society: how we label, judge and process those emotions. We are free to choose and change our values.
Emotions are genetic. Values are cultural.
In other words: the emotions are neither wrong or right, they just are (as you say).
But our values are inherently wrong or right, and they are subject to constant choice, as well as change, blame and responsibility.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): The problem is not male or female based value systems, it is a problem of genetics. Men have biological incentives to care about their partners history more than women do. It is not wrong or right, it just is. The value systems are more like a product of the genetics.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (14 June 2010):
Despite writing about this for years, it still surprises me how one-sided most people's reactions are to this. And predictable.
Women generally don't think of it as a big deal, and see it as reasonable to under-report their sexual past. Usually the advice is: 'the past is the past, what does it matter now?' or similar.
Men are frequently judgmental, and talk of lies, broken trust and permanent damage to the relationship.
I have to say q1605 nailed it:
"As long as society continues to tie peoples relationship value to their sexual history, men will continue to over sell their history, and women will continue to under sell it."
If we lived with a morality inherited from 2000+ years of female-based values instead of male ones (as Christianity & Islam have been), I suspect the situation might be quite different.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): The reason she didn't know how to tell him because she didn't want him to make his own decision. That's perfectly understandable and also perfectly wrong.
Now this is only "his issue" because she waited until he was deep into a marriage and family before revealing the truth. She has used his love for her & their kids against him and trapped him into the situation. Now his only realistic option is to give her the result she has wanted all along regardless of how much it continues to hurt him. The benefit of the deception is all hers and the remaining emotional hurt is all his.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010):
When you trick someone into marrying a person that they did not choose, it's funny how often they get angry about it.
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male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (13 June 2010):
 She's opened up a can of worms - what else has she lied about/ kept from you? You may never know but that's the thing - you'll never trust her again. Can you live the rest of your lives together like that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Yeah that is pretty lame. Wouldn't it be great if we all could be honest with each other? I would feel terrible too. Obviously she felt the pressure to lie about her past so as not to taint the image you and her family have of her. But it could also be a double edge sword. Maybe if she had been honest with you, you would have lost that respect 12 years ago and never married her...who knows. It doesn't sound like your relationship is based on mutual respect and ACCEPTANCE of each other just as you are.
To be honest with you, some things are better left unsaid which brings me to wonder why your wife even brought this up. Believe me I don't want to know who my boyfriend did or didn't do before me. (I don't have a boyfriend, I'm just saying). And if things were going good between the both of you, don't see why it was necessary to rock the boat. Now you can't get these images and the whole deceipt behind it out of your head.
This is a tough one. It is definitely in your best interest to put this behind you as you are both married and have children, I got to admit that it is hard. I am certainly not going to minimise the situation. Maybe you both should get marital counseling to deal with your very justified anger. You are totally right to be angry. But don't be immature. Don't fight fire with fire. Handle this like an adult. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): You say she did these things in her teen years? Personally I don't think that should be a big issue. You do crazy things when you're that young - I know from experience, but I've stopped it now and I want to find a man who will accept me not as a sex object but as ME. Please, don't let your wife go because of something she did years ago, she chose you didn't she? To spend the rest of her life with, out of the millions of intelligent and warm hearted men out there, she chose you. Feel privileged that you have her and no-one else. Can't you remember all those raging hormones that you had when you were young? Just...let it go.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (13 June 2010):
You say you don't want to destroy your family. And you ask 'what can i do to be normal again'?.
That's good. You realize that this is your issue. And you know the possible consequences. A lot of guys in your situation focus on criticizing their partners, and not focusing on themselves. Which is where the real problem is.
Unfortunately you can't undo the past. And you won't ever forget what you learned about it. Your only option is to come to terms with your feelings about it.
This comes up a lot here. These are some of the better discussions on it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
Don't make this about her. You are experiencing painful emotions because of what you learned. It's ok to feel this way. You love your wife: naturally the strong images you're experiencing are going to hurt. Resist the urge to obsess and over-analyse what you're experiencing. Just allow yourself the negative emotions without trying to attach them to thoughts.
If you look around this site you'll find lots of other advice on this.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): does it really matter what your wife did in the past before she became your wife leave the past right where it is & enjoy what you have now a lovely family
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 June 2010):
 Please read everything that http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos has written on this subject. I know it's difficult and you are upset by the new information about her past. I would also suggest you PM 'Yos' and ask him for some specific insight as well. He has been in your situation and has a great deal of practical advice to offer.
I wish you well as you come to terms with the new 'normal'.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (13 June 2010):
It was a long time ago and everything a person does in there life makes them the person they are. Youve loved her all this time and your being unfair that just because of this you doont have the respect for you. She most likely lied because she was worried what you would think or that you wouldnt want her. I can see why your upset about it but i just think its all in the past and you should let it. Why make her feel bad about something thats long gone and ment nothing. You said you dont want to destroy your family but you will destroy your family and yourself if you dont let this go. If you love her you will forgive her. Its not like she was cheating on you so be grateful.
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (13 June 2010):
 Can I ask which part of it bothers you, the fact that she has a sexual past or the fact that she lied to you about it?
I don't think she deserves to be judged for her past, which was obviously just an experimental phase which she matured from and left behind when she met you, but I can understand why it hurts you that she wouldn't be open with you about it.
Then again, if she was "married off" to you by her parents, I can understand her keeping quiet about it...
Were you a virgin when you married her?
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