A
male
age
41-50,
*liver151278
writes:below is a copy of the email i have sent my wife who had come back for a week then left me again for her ex after she did not come home at night.this is hurting me so much sorry if am beening a pain but we have a young kid and all i want is for this to work.You will never know what it was like walking in and see you with him in your bed 24 hrs before you told me you love me and you really wanted to make it work we had taken you notice to your landlord and spent the day doing family things.It felt like we were going to be a real family then this happened I know you will not see things the way I do but think to yourself this did Amy once say try and make it work or did she say let’s go brass house knowing you where making a go of it with me so you would see rangolam. I know she is you friend but sometimes people are joules of what other people have she has come from a broken home I see her being joules that you have a kid and a husband that loves you so much he asked you back.I how we did not use to go out much before but we had plans we were going to do things diff this time around at this moment in time with ever thing that is going on and with the police we are both angry and that’s normal I have now filed for a full order with u seeing Oliver once a week with me or my mum as I do think Oliver needs mum but a mum I can trust.So since I cannot trust you and know you have been doing drugs with Amy and rangolam I will not let you have overnight stays again. Why did you not just get rid of him when I asked you too you got the texts I sent we would not be in this mass now. we could have talked your mum has asked me to give you time but how much time do you need to sort out this mess.One day you will have a fight with Amy then she will be gone and the only thing to come out of knowing her is you losing your husband and your son. If you just want to live your life like hers then fine you may I cannot stop you but mum’s do not act like that.Did you not enjoy the day trips we had the week you came back that is what family’s do things like that we have a son that is growing so fast .you do not know how upset he was when the police where here I asked you when you planed of getting your things so that would not happen and why did you have to let Amy come in with you that was so wrong.Since you do not know we have filed a complaint with the way the police handled what happened as what they did was out of order you did not need to have them I had made a pile by the door of your things.I think your mum is right and you do not know what you want and I hope she is right if you did know you would say what do you want to do to help sort this out all I want is what is best for Oliver you may see this as a way off hurting you but it’s not you can never let Oliver stay over now the guy is moving in. and knowing that he takes drugs.Plus the guy has told the police that he does not want anything to do with Oliver so that not a good start going with a guy that does not want anything to do with our son.That is in the police report so you know.Carla I do not want to keep fighting but when people try and make a 2 go of it they try longer than a week we have so much history that we should not throw away.If you really felt that we will never have any hope of saving something then why come back. you need to say so but think long and hard as once you made your mind up I will start to make a new life for me with you or without.It’s not fair on Oliver to have to see his dad feel down due to the pain that you have coursed me We have both done things over the last couple of days that we should not have done but what has been done has been done we need to turn a new page on this. you need to remember we will both be a part of each other’s life for every and not a single thing can change that so we both need to think about are actions. All I ask is that you can really read this for what am saying we have both done things to hurt each other but in the long run you will end up hurting more you will miss out on his xmas’s the holidays his 1st day at school the trips to Disney his school plays birthdays the day trips all the things that a kid dose growing up you will miss.And that makes me very upset.Carla I will never work out why you did what you did only you will know that. but the way you where crying when I walked in makes me feel you know you made a mistake but you are to stabbing to say so and to do anything about it.Any guy can have a kid but only a man can rise it and behind every man is a strong woman you need to stop the binge drinking and the drugs and think long and hard.You know what I want from life and what I want Oliver to have I cannot just sit by and let his mum throw her life away over her mistakes you did want us to work and think you still do but are too scared to say so .If you step back and look at what has happened I can think of one person that has made you do the things you are doing you know who that is.Carla am going to be seeing you sooner or later do you not think its best we clear the air before so Oliver does not have to see what is going on.If you would like to talk then please get in touch so you know I cannot drive for the next 6 weeks has I have broken my hand so I am been driven everywhere.The sooner we start talking the better things can be for all of us but I will not stop the court order going thought. once I can trust you I will relax it but I will have one in place to protect Oliver. if you really do what the best for him then you will not care about the order and will work to get my trust back and make things right.Am more than happy to meet you in a public place so we can talk if you do not want to talk and just want this to get taken thought the courts then that’s fine but I am taken the 1st step to make things right for our little spoon.. end of email what do i do ask my son can see that am hurt and he is only 19 mths
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drugs, her ex, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, fabyan  +, writes (25 October 2007):
ive just read your dilema you must carry on as you are and raise the little lad,im sure u will do a marvelous job not many men stay with their children,DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN have the child unsupervised especially if drink and drugs are involed becuase peoples perception of right and wrong get clouded.Do u have any help from your family becuase family support is very important,friends come and go but families are always there for each other..My own mother raised me as a single parent but i know now it wasnt from love but for the benifits and to spite my father who loved me dearly.She hurt my father so badly,i only found this out much later.My mother went from man to man each one worse than the last so i do understand your fears about your ex and her apparent lack of judgement regarding the opposite sex.Children need to be nurtured not exposed to drink and drugs...Keep your child safe and love him much,he will thank you when he is older.kind regard Fayban Evans
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Run, do not walk, away from her.
And start amassing the best paper trail that you can against her in every way. Legal issues, financial issues, her moral character, her marriage fidelity, her mothering competence . . . the works. Collect any proof that you possibly can on paper to prove how bad she really is.
DO NOT worry about whether you're being "fair" with this stuff. Even if you think some of the paperwork might be painting an unfairly bad picture of her now, you might end up needing every bit of it just to counter-act an unfairly bad picture of YOU that she might be trying to paint to a judge in the future.
Nothing says you ever have to use this stuff but you might need it later on. I may be off by a mile with this but it will save your whole life if I'm not. DO NOT underestimate how nasty a child-custody or alimony battle could become with anyone. Just quietly protect your child and your a** while you work out the details of the breakup.
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A
female
reader, hannah cohen +, writes (21 October 2007):
hi ive read the posting for your problem,wow u are far better off away from this woman she sounds a complete freak,to leave her family for a random guy,and to move in with him after such a short period.....DONT HAVE HER BACK.let her repent at her lesiure,does she only have this one friend?if so she isnt very popular becuase others would have advised her not to take such drastic action to leave her family...build a bridge and go over it.......good luck with the future,you hang on to your child becuase he is the important thing in this saga....best wishes hannah
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 I guess that's what has to happen then. Sorry to hear that, but I think you'll make a wonderful single parent. I'm one, and I absolutely love it. My children are happy, because I provide them with an environment that allows them to be themselves, and they don't have to worry about being judged in a negative way. My 13 year old next month is leaving her mothers home and moving in with me as well. It's her choice to make that change.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (4 October 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso i spoke to her last night and she told me she is in love with this guy after only 6 weeks and she only come back for the baby well if that ture she would still be here for him. i asked her if we will ever try again she said she would never say never but sould move on
i know she is right andi willhave to move on
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 September 2007):
I wish you guys luck with the court hearing. I know it will all work out for you.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (30 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have a great law firm workin the case so am ok on that side i just can not belive how she is acting does she not think am going to have her tested
below is what i sent back to her
what is happening is about oliver not what happened with me and you i did give you time to talk to me to sort things out but you did not reply we are going to court as you are the one who told me you have been doing coke and speed with stuart and amy and you still drink to much.also i am not happy with the lies when you have my son if you had not lied before i may have done things dif but i can not trust you to look after him if you both do coke what will happen if he founds your drugs when you are still in bed are you going to dail 999 or just hope he will be ok.what has happen with me and you is not why we are going to court if you have not done any thing wrong you will have no need to worry but we both know you have.am sorry i did try to help you but you wood not talk to me so i have to make sure my son will be safe. i know you love oliver but you do not act like a mum most of the times you put yourself being happy first and not your son so why do you feel you do not have to make payments for him.
you have to remmber people do not know what they are doing when on drugs they do all sorts of things like drive to they dealers house with the baby in the car or go out and leave the baby on his own you read all the horry storys in the papers i do not want my son to end up like that
.all i want is for oliver to be happy and safe i do not need to play games or trick you as you know why we are going to court. so you can still see him if you wish all i want to do now is get on with mine and my son's life the best we can wth or without.
am here for you if you want to talk
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 September 2007):
Remember to print and document any communication the two of you have. It you run into her in public and she cusses you out, write it down, date time, go up to stranger and have them sign as a witness to those actions taking place.
I thing those short messages are her just preparing for the big one she sent you. One sentence in her email "i know i did wrong against you" I guess some don't realize doing wrong against their partner has a negative effect against the children in the home as well.
Do you have a good lawyer to handle your custody case? If not check into legal assistance programs. I was going to recommend one, but their only licensed in the united states.
It sounds like she is going to attempt to make sure self out as the perfect little women. You'll need an attorney to catch her when she twist, or misrepresents the facts.
I wish you luck.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (30 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso i got this email from her she sent it at 1 30 in the morning i can not belive her below is a copy of the emial
i cant talk to you as you seem to believe that i would actually hurt my son. my little boy is my life and you are keeping me from seeing him. without him my life is worth nothing and i will fight every step of the way to make sure he knows that. if you loved me like you say you do you would know that. you know i would never do anything to hurt my son but you keep saying that i have, so how can i communicate with you. it is you that are playing games - you know i only want the best for oliver but the stuff you make up about me proves to me that you think this is a game to be won. everything you say is a lie - i would love to meet up to see oliver but i can not trust you enough to meet up to see oliver before we go to court. after the things you have done this week and the threats you have made you must understand that. after reading the court papers i feel sick with the lies you have made up about me. i WILL fight this mel, because oliver is my world. i will not meet you to see oliver because you will probably say i turned up drunk or that i was on drugs or something. you are trying to use my son to get back at me, but you need to move on with your life. i may have done wrong against you, but that is no reason to use oliver to get back at me. i am not ignoring the problem, i am just scared of you and the lies you and your family tell. this neednt be so messy, but you insist on making stuff up when you dont get your own way. also i have been informed by the police you have an injunction against myself and stewart, so i will not be trapped into meeting you so that you can turn around and say we breached a restraining order or something. i am not playing games but you leave me no option but to second guess your every move and be suspicious of everything you say. your actions have been slimy at best and i am not happy having any contact with you without a witness there so that things can not be twisted around against me. You know you broke down my door and you know you threw my things away but you cant even admit that. you sit there with my son trying to use him against me when you know i have done nothing wrong against him. i dont know how things will work out in court but at least i will have tried, and i will have my integrity intact,
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (29 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know well my mum went past her flat this morning ad bf was not there anyway two later m mum went past again she was in but still no bf so i phoned her a couple of time and she wood not pick up so i sent a text to the house phone and it was picked up so am notsure what to think.
so you know the text said i have sent you an email...
she still has not checked it yet
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 September 2007):
 Could be true. Could be stringing you a line. Only time will really tell. Better than the other day though isnt it?
C xxx
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (29 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso i went and i had to go home as all i was doing was watching the door hopeing she wood walk in to the bar knowing she has never been therebefore knowing she was at work but i was still hopeing.anyway after 30 mins of that i had to go home am not ready to go out yet. this morning when i got up i had this email from her.My phone has been broken for the past few days so i havent got any texts from you cos the screen is broken. Also my internet has been down cos they didnt set up the direct debit properly so i didnt get any emails either. so i havent been ignoring you. just so you know.
what do you think
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (28 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni will try i have an hour to kill till i go out
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
Awesome. If I was there I'd go have a drink with ya. I bet I haven't been out for a drink in almost 1 1/2 years. What's happening to me. lol Have a fun night tonight.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (28 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know what you mean am not going to take the 1st person i found as if i do not think they will be fine around my son then that is not what i want am going to take my time founding a new partner but i do plan on having some fun tonight
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
Yea, you would think. The problem is, we knew them one way. Laughing, playing, having fun, caring and loving. It's almost like that person dies and a new them is born, then we're not being treated the same way.
What I want you to do, before trying to get that lucky someone. Write down, if you could design the perfect partner, who would it be. List personalities, behaviors, intelligence etc. (And intelligence meaning good conversationalist) List what you like to do, and your personalities, list the things you have liked to do but haven't done for a while for whatever reason.
Take the time to make a good decision, it's your family at stake. Just jumping because they seem like a fit the first night, you don't want to find out later that they were not.
I hope you have a good evening out. Take care.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (28 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel the world has been taken off my back and am trying to get used to knowing she is no longer my wife. but you would think she could reply to say anything the day is a new page in both of our lifes and she will not talk its so thinking i loved someone who can now be so cold.am going out to night for the 1st time in long time so you never know i may get luck and found the perfect girl to take over from her for me and my son ( i hope )it wood just be nice to hear from her to have her tell me good luck or any thing i know she has got the texts and emails i do not know i feel we are going around the block on this tomorrow is a new day and i hope things get better
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Hi,
Are you the Guy I replied to the other day. If you are you sounded so positive when we last comunicated. Its a shame that you once again feel this way. Maybe its because its finally coming to a close, and you know she is not coming back.
I really feel so sorry for you, I have been in this position, although when a man leaves his kids and wants nothing to do with them, it doesnt seem as bad as a woman doing it.
The fact is you cannot put you and your son through any more hurt. Take it that she is gone and try to look forward to your future with your baby boy. You are so lucky to have each other. She will be the one that losses out on all the wonderfull times you have ahead of you. I promise things will get better but you have a major job to do, and that is to snap out of this and be strong for you and your little boy.
It works believe me. X, little x for baby.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (28 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just got told the decree absolute has been givin i sent her this text and she still will not reply:
not sure if you know but the decree absolute hs been givin thank you for every thing am sorry you still feel the need not to talk.hope you have a happy life and things work out for you x....
why will she not reply to me i sit here with tears in my eyes knowing a big part of me is gone forever
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (28 September 2007):
How terrible. So she doesnt have any desire to see her son at the mo but will fight you in court for custody? Thats mad. But you know shes unlikely to get it if she is taking drugs! It must be awful for you at the moment thats for sure.
I dont actually understand her reasoning at the moment that she doesnt want to see her child. A mothers instinct would normally spur her to see him. She must of got in with an extremely nasty crowd thats all i can say!
Good luck. Keep us posted.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (28 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe things is we will be back in court in 3 weeks every day i send are a text saying hope your well if you wish to see you son let me know but she never replys.
but i know she will go to court and try and fight me.
its catch 22 for me and the longer it gose on the hard it is as i see it as here wanting to be with her new bf then spend a couple of hours with her son.
i just want to get the new order an move away as i really do not want to keep having to live like this hopeing his mum will want to see him.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
That's true, it's hard to realize something like this can happen, but being around the wrong crowd and doing the wrong things can distort their version of right and wrong. She more than likely has minor or major depression, and a shot self esteem. She may not be trying to hurt anyone, just escaping herself. I know its hard on your end, you love her and want her to do the right thing, but are kind of powerless to create that change in her yourself. Just hope she wakes up sober thinking what the hell am I doing.
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A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (28 September 2007):
oliver151278 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits just so hard she will not reply to me to make plans to see her son its like she has forgot about him.
i can not work out how any woman can do what she did its allways the guys that walk away from they kids not the mums
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
First, you can't do much with your son, just be a father and take care of him. Unfortunately decisions some make affect others, there's not much we can do about their decisions. She's going to have to make the choice to change. You can't force it on her. Have you ever tried to take a drink away from an alcoholic? It doesn't work, unless you want to wear it or have the bottle smashed over your head. Same thing with her, she has to realize on her own that where she's at is not where she wants to be.
I just wanted to mention a couple of things about your email. First, you spoke quite a bit about the benefit of her being there with your son. They were good reasons, but not the reason she's gone. You also mentioned quite a bit 'what you've done'. That's placing blame, more alcohol and drugs due to guilt. Address her issues as being behaviors, and stating the behaviors are her personally. When you address the person, it's taken as the person. It's not her, her behavior can change, but her actions are affecting her ability and possibly her judgment.
Now the police coming by. If it was a standby, she's in her legal rights to have them there. Anyone can have the police there when picking up their things, if they believe there's a chance for argument. If they mishandled the situation, or were abusive, then their is grounds for a complaint.
I am not trying to be judgmental, but I'm going to tell you the only email you need to sent her now, if she doesn't contact you is, "all communication needs to be directed through my lawyer." You almost handed over your case for your son. That's why emails are not the best line of communication, we write then send and don't proof what we write. Re read your email, and I'll give you this example to find, see where the mistake is located:
"You honor, I submit this email sent by the petitioner to the Defendant as exhibit A. As you can plainly see, his petition was filed against the defendant with the intention of manipulating the defendant into getting back with the petitioner, by unlawfully using the court and their child as the means." then followed by, "The defense moves to dismiss this petition based on this manipulation of the legal system."
The only thing you'd have for a defense to that is, "I was under extreme duress when it was written and sent." That's it. It's OK to tell her you filed, it's not OK to say "if you don't want to talk and just want this taken through the courts." That's giving her a choice and making a threat using your court system.
Now remember this, all though your son is involved, this is not about him, or the time she gets with him. It's about you and her first. He's the special benefit that can bless both of your lives. I know you want to work it out, and this email states that quite firm. Let's try to redirect that as well. She's the one who's not there, so let's focus on her, and you the family she left. I know you're hurt and confused, but now it's time to set that aside. If she really cared right now about how much you want to work it out, she wouldn't be gone.
Such as:
"You left, I am hurt, but I'm not going to try to talk you into anything. I just want you to know, I love you and whether you're here or not, I am worried about you, I want you to be OK, I want to see you happy. I'm not going to judge your choice, but I will be here anytime you need a friend or just someone to talk to and a shoulder to care for you."
Did you think that her being gone, may not be about you or your son. It may be because of her own addiction. An addiction she knows her choices are not going in the best direction. Under those circumstances, you do much more damage reminding her how's she's messed up, when she's reminded every time she does drugs or alcohol. The best you can do for her is just be there when she's ready. I'd still go through with the protection order. Being a friend, doesn't mean ignoring responsibility.
Sorry so long. I can really get to writing sometimes. I wish you luck, and your son. I hope she comes around and everything works out for you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 September 2007):
Hi
Well i would make sure she never has the little guy on her own thats for sure.
I am extremely anti drugs though. And kids and drugs especially dont mix.My female mate had to get a court order to keep her ex away because he's a druggie.
Its agony for you at the mo, but one things for sure, you cant possibly REALLY want someone deep down, that puts drink and drugs before her flesh and blood?
C xxxxx
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