A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i broke my phone a couple of months ago and bought a used one from a friend who always has a surplus. my wife searched my phone yesterday to see if i was doing anything wrong - which i wasnt - but she found a picture of a naked girl on the phone. we are constantly arguing about her insecurity. in her previous relationship her boyfriend got another girl pregnant while she was pregnant with their child. i have never cheated on her. about 3 years ago she had a co-worker who was constantly flirting with me and trying to get me to cheat. i liked the attention and did not discourage her, but nor did i act on it. of course that came to light and we had a huge fight over it. so that is her reasons for insecurity with me. this pciture of a naked girl was obviously on the phone from whoever owned it before me. this phone backs some stuff up online and i thought i had deleted all remainging items but i guess i missed that. i honestly didnt know it was there. well she didnt talk to me after our fight and this morning only talked to me to tell me she wanted a divorce. she always does this when we fight but this time somehow seems more real. i dont mind getting in trouble for something i did do, but i think she is going way overboard. she has a pretty bad temper and will not let me talk when we argue. she talks over me and we can never talk anything out like adults. im not sure what to do. we have a 3 year old together and the 7 year old from her previous relationship thinks of me as his dad. i love her and do not want a divorce. what should i do? her dad tells me to ignore her and she will get over it. is she doing this just to hurt me? i dont have a lot of experience with women and dont know what to do.thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): I'm sorry you have found yourself in this predicament. Your wife probably doesn't want away from you as much as she wants away from hurt feelings, which she is attributing to you at this point.
It sounds like you two have a bit of a history with this kind of thing, the problem with that is when something new comes up, you are not just dealing with the problem at hand. The body has a funny way of piling things neatly on top of one another, so this incident is piled on top of any other similar incidences. You may have promised her in the past that you will never hurt her in this way and now she is blowing this up because the molehill is sitting on top of a mountain.....are you following this? Each new incident is connected to old incidents and the pain she is expressing now has more to do with the past than the present.
Write her a letter, acknowledge her pain as sincerely as you can, apologize to her profusely and assure her this or anything similar will not happen again. I say write a letter because sometimes when one can't talk to another a letter allows us to finish sentences and thoughts.
Best wishes for a happy ending.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): I agree with Vsnod. You both do need counseling. Your wife has been hurt in her past and she has a great deal of emotional baggage. She uses extreme jealousy and angry emotions to consume her because she fears loss. She really needs help. . She's floundering and when one partner is doing this, you do all you can to save your family and keep a peaceful life at home, for the sake of those 2 beautiful children, you have. It is not their fault that Mom and Dad can't get it together and behave lovingly and keep it together for them. So you tell her, in as a calm, loving a way as you possibly can, how much you do love her; that you want to spend the rest of your life with her but this unfounded jealously and anger must stop or it will drive a wedge in this marriage.. And suggest the counseling and promise her, you will go with her.
Your past behaviors have contributed so you need to tell her how sorry you are, about what happened and make her a solemn promise you will not do it again...ever. You can't change what happened in her past with the errant ex, but you can prove to her you are a better, more decent man. But the biggest impression you can make here is to make her understand the best chance you both have, is to get her to change her jealousy behavior. She needs to understand and so do you, that when two people love each other there has to be a solidarity--a huge amount trust between them. She needs to feel safe again. When a man is tempted to cheat in a partnership, he virtually kicks out the solid foundation of trust, out from under his wife's feet and she's left hanging, unsure and insecure. Tell her you will never ever cause her this pain again. Trust is the most important ingredient in a relationship. You need her trust. If your wife doesn't learn to trust you again, then there is no solid foundation to build a life together. Open the lines of communication..stay calm and loving...talk to her and ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. Support and encouragement is the courageous way to go. You have 2 beautiful children depending on your strength here. Good luck, dear and my heart is with you both...all the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Of course she isn't doing this to hurt you. With her past of course shes going to be affected by some of the situations shes now in.I think you need to apologize, say you don't want a divorce in a meanful way, be very romantic about it but do state that you didn't realize it was on the phone, but you understand where shes coming from. If your sensitive about it, then she should follow.If that doesn't work, try and talk to her dad about it. You could try and get through to her through him but he might be right in just leaving her for a bit.
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Maybe you guys could try marriage counceling if this is a re-occuring issue? Even if you get past this fight, it seems that she has major trust issues and this will go on forever if the 2 of you can't work it out together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): It seems to me your wife doesn't fight fair. My wife and I have a general rule that we won't use the "D" word. It is out of discussion. Good rule to live by.
There are online resources for how to stop a divorce. There is nothing you can do legally to stop divorce, but there are ways to talk your marriage partner off that ledge.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, wisdomwoman +, writes (7 July 2008):
It sounds as if your wife doesn't really want a divorce. She has such strong feelings of insecurity and jealousy, that she just wants to leave those Feelings, not you. She really just wants to feel loved and secure.
In order for you to stay happily together, it would be good for you to learn to argue in a way where both of you are heard. That means she must give you the space to speak also. Try talking to her about better communication skills when you are in a peaceful state. If you can't help her with this, then a councilor might be able to. Tell her how it makes you feel when she Speaks out the words "I want a divorce." These are very harmful words to use, and should be avoided. Ask her to not say those words unless she is able to say them in a Calm place, not angry venting. Learning to argue by saying how you feel, or how the other makes you feel, instead of accusatory blows, will soften the long term damage.
Read some Books, try new ways to show her you love her, and work on both of your communication styles. Encourage your wife in anything positive she does that promotes her self esteem.
If this relationship has the basis of love, it's worth all the effort you give it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): It might cost you a few bucks, but get a lawyer to write to her about your impending divorce out of the blue. Call her bluff. My guess is it will take her by surprise and she'll start to see things more rationally.
You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, but what the heck. Give her something to really think about - what's most important in her life - her marriage or some stupid picture on a mobile.
Jealousy with insecurity mixed in is a most destructive emotion.
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