A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:It's been 7 days since I sent my ex girlfriend a letter saying we need to stop talking because her stories about how high and drunk she was or who she had sex with were upsetting me when we talked on the phone everyday. Since I couldn't help her I decided out of sight out of mind would be best. Seven days and I still feel bad. Her disorder makes her prone to poor judgment and uncontrollable, or only partially controllable impulsiveness and promiscuity. Today I saw some pictures she recently posted on a social networking site. One of which was of a cocaine user who I'm positive she is having sex with.After seeing what a fantastic time she's having over the 4th doing drugs and sleeping with cocaine addicts I just suddenly lost my appetite and started to feel sad again. I don't know why I'm posting. I suppose I just needed to vent.For seven days I've thought about her every other minute of the day and it really is killing me. I tell myself I'm better off without someone like that in my life and that I was right to severe all ties to her, but I wish I didn't think about her so much. I wish I didn't miss her laugh or our conversations. I'm just so tired of loving her when it brings me nothing, but pain. Why can't I stop thinking about her? Is it because she was my first love, my first everything and I hate what she's become? Or am I still in love with her? I'm confused, disillusioned, heartbroken, sad, and tired...Since we've met I've talked to her almost everyday for two years! We even had sex a few weeks ago. A year as lovers, then a year as friends, all that leads us to now...I guess we're...nothing. How do I get past this?
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drugs, drunk, ex girlfriend, heartbroken, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (9 July 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks very much, anonymous female. Your words are entirely correct and heartfelt. "Like you I don't know why I feel like this as I know he is a bad person but for some reason our minds seem to remind us only of the good times which we had with that person. I try to remind myself that perhaps they weren't such good times if my partner could just jump into bed with someone else and disrepect what we had so quickly."The above statement really stuck out to me as it is almost word for word mirrors my own internal monologue. I mean, my ex came to see me only a few weeks ago and we had sex then a few weeks later she's banging out someone else as if she wasn't hugging and kissing me so very recently. That really hurt my feelings. "I wouldn't contact her again or respond if she contacts you. Time is the healer here and everytime you speak you put yourself 2 steps back. Hold on in there, you're not alone!"You're right. So, it's 9 days and she hasn't tried to contact me at all. My mother thinks she will, but I don't. Sometimes I think if she calls maybe I should answer, but then I snap out of it quickly and say "No! Whether she calls or not, you're no longer allowed to speak to her." Maybe one day I will many, many, months or a year or two down the road, but as of right now it would just be too detrimental to my progress of being without her. 2wks is the longest we've ever NOT talked so if she doesn't call in 2wks I'm pretty sure she won't call me ever again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): I know how you're feeling. I'm going through the same thing myself.
I broke up with my boyfriend nearly 3 months ago now but have stayed in contact with him during which time I have found out that he has been sleeping with other women in the house we shared together (one of which is an ex) and just generally getting on and enjoying his life whilst all the time I am crying, sad and heartbroken.
Like you I don't know why I feel like this as I know he is a bad person but for some reason our minds seem to remind us only of the good times which we had with that person. I try to remind myself that perhaps they weren't such good times if my partner could just jump into bed with someone else and disrepect what we had so quickly. I too like to hope that I will meet someone else and deserve better but whilst we feel this way we won't meet anyone, only once we're over the grieving process and happy and comfortable being alone will we meet new decent people.
You probably couldn't even be with her now even if you wanted to as too much as happened, I'm the same but I understand that this just doesn't take the pain away for some reason.
I wouldn't contact her again or respond if she contacts you. Time is the healer here and everytime you speak you put yourself 2 steps back. Hold on in there, you're not alone!
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A
male
reader, M][KE  +, writes (8 July 2008):
No problem Solidus, hang in there man. Just get yourself back in those trenches and try to find that new girl.Good luck with the future, best wishes M][KE
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (8 July 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, mike! And yes I agree with you "Staying in contact and still seeing your ex straight after a breakup can be very destructive. It can drive you insane!" We broke up and didn't speak for 2 wks then she called and we were talking on the phone for another year like nothing happened. This really played with my mind. Especially when we had sex a couple weeks ago. Because our relationship never really changed or had significant time apart...it was hard for me to disconnect from her emotionally and it hurt to think of some other dude having sex with her so soon after me. Because of our past I'd almost felt like there was an...unspoken agreement that we wouldn't do anything with anyone else or something. In fact her saying "I don't want you having sex with anyone else" pushed that theory.
Right now...I'm blasting the Queen music and filling my head with positive thoughts of success and prosperity. I can't thank you both enough for your wonderful advice.
I'm a pretty good looking guy. Funny and Smart. I just KNOW when I move away I'll meet a beautiful amazing girl who is perfect for me and who'll make all this seem like a bad dream.
Once again...Thanks a lot, guys. You're the best.
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A
male
reader, M][KE +, writes (7 July 2008):
Oh brother I've been here!
I agree with StudentOfLife - "You'll never forget your first real relationship with a girl"
Being honest you always carry a piece of your first love around with you. In some respects the experience you gain, forms a basis for your future relationships.
You've done the sensible action and tried to remove her from your life!
And from what you have written it sounds like you have made a decisive decision to move on. Cutting all communication will gradually help you think about her less. And venting as you mentioned, is the best method of getting over someone. It allows you to release all your feelings and basically provides focus, clarity and perspective.
Staying in contact and still seeing your ex straight after a breakup can be very destructive. It can drive you insane!
When people say time is the best healer; it sounds so hollow but it's the only way to truly move on. When we break up with someone, we sometimes forget it ended because the relationship wasn't working. The heart immediately suffers from loss, and the desire to get them back is overwhelming.
However sometimes it's the company we miss more than anything; and you have to remember you will have this with someone else. letting go is the hardest thing; you can think to yourself if only you had done things different. But eventually it becomes clear and you understand that it's over.
When you inevitably come to the truth that it's over for good, your ready to move. Trust me it will get easier,
It's hard I know' but you are stronger than this breakup.
I hope this helps you mate, take it easy,
M][KE
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (7 July 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, man. Everything you said made a lot of sense. I'm moving to LA in a few months to go to school. Until then I'm kind of in a funless vacuum. All of my friends have already moved away and all I do is work. So basically that leaves me with a lot of time to just sit and reminisce about the times when I used to have fun...with my Ex. I had the greatest summer of my life with her. Sex every day, taking random trips to no where, movies...I'd never been so happy. Now she's gone.
I'm just trying to keep busy and look ahead to the future. New City, New School, New Life basically.
I keep telling myself I'll meet a new beautiful sweet girl in California with better character and no drug and alcohol problems, or mental disorders.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Time.
Let me tell you this "Brother"(been there). You'll never ever forget your first real relationship with a girl.
Time will transform your wounds into scars that will remind you of her every time you look at them.
You did the right thing to close the door of communication with her, that's the first step to take.
Now you need to surround yourself with your best mate, cry, move on. At some point, trust me, you'll find somebody else and even then, sometimes, you'll stop and think "Hmmm I wonder what my first love is doing right now". But that will only last a few seconds, cause your new love will wake you up of that dream with a wonderful kiss.
Nothing last forever. Life, relationship, pain.
It's something, most of us, needs to go through in life. It's hard, but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
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