A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am desperate for other peoples opinions on his matter.I will try to report the facts as they are rather than as I see them, but I'm sure I will add some bias.1. My wife met an Indonesian waiter on a cruise ship when she was 15/16 and they had a relationship on board for around two weeks, that lasted for two years via letters and phone calls2. She was still in contact with him when she met me at 18 and had his picture on her wall. She had "relationships" with other guys whilst in contact with this guy (never sex)3. After many months I asked her to remove it as it was making me feel uncomfortable, which she did.4. She wrote to him finishing it coz it wasnt fair as she had met me.5. We heard nothing for many years - until about 3/4 years ago (when she was 29) when he wrote to her parents out of the blue and stated he was back on a ship and would like to meet her when he was in port...the letter arrived two days b4 we were due to go on a cruise and too late to meet him.6. Letters where exchanged and he ended up claiming that although he married shortly after he and my wife finished and now has a son, he still loved my wife.7. They eventually met in the early hours of the morning. This is when they used to have "fun" on the ship and made me feel uncomfortable. I can see that this is the best time for him as he works long hours and this was the only time they coudl meet...We had to travel and I went with my wife but stayed in the hotel nearby8. One occasion he called the room to tell my wife he was waiting in reception, which I thought was arrogant and cocky and rubbing my face in it as he knew I was there.9. He asked my wife if she loved him, made comments about wishing he had kids with her and she admitted that she still did. They did nothing other than talk10. The last night they met on that particular time, he tried it on with my wife. She told him no.11. They keep in contact via letter, then text, then email and have met several times since then in which he still claims to love and miss my wife and she certainly said at the beginning of their re-introduction that she loved him.12. She didnt see him during the last opportunity as he owed us money and although he did sent payment via western union, he sent it to her old surname (he knew her married name and had written to it and I'm sure it was done as a cutesy gesture and when asked said you will always been that surname to me.13. His wife is ill and spends a lot of time in hospital in their country. He has turned down working on a ship since, unless it comes here.My wife claims he is just a friend and what she said was in the heat of the moment and she doesnt love him and they never finished like normal peopel and its a shame they never had a normal relationship. I think the whole episode of meeting him has opened up old feelings and the floodgates. We all have history and its best left that way rather than re-opening old wounds in my opinion and how many men would she continue to see as friends if they claimed to love her and tried in on with her?He still hasnt paid, and the ship is in this country again and my wife said she will see him and so the whole issue of meeting him comes up again, but not late as that upset me.I feel angry, frustrated, confused, dejected ... am I over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): you are not over reacting and have every right to be upset.
your wife is also rubbing salt into your wounds by meeting up with him. for good ness sake he tried to make a move on her. although she said no then, i think it is only a matter of time before she is with him in a sexual relationship. you have to also be careful of std's /sti's. please be 100% certain that no hanky panky goes on, this man cannot be trusted with her and she seems to be enjoying him.
plse also tell her that marriage is for 2 people only and not 3. she has now invited a third party into your marriage. she is alos having an emotional affair with him. all her innocent words are false. she knows what she is doing. he is not just a friend. she wants him in her life and that is total disrespect for you.
your wife is getting excited to meet him again. believe me it is only a matter of time before she is sleeping with him. she knows it, he does you and well you also suspect it.
your wife is playing with fire and she will get burned. the question is whether you will wait around for all the drama or just give her an ultimatum. him or you. very very simple.
you are not a fool so plse do not allow both of them to make you one. you have been tolerate thus far but plse no more. it is like you are giving her permission to f*ck with this man and this man will take what he wants. you know what he wants and he does not want your permission.
so your wife has a choice
A
male
reader, WindupBird  +, writes (14 May 2009):
 I think the previous two answers are adequate, but just to help you build a consensus I want to say that you are totally justified in being upset and not overreacting in the slightest.
Bonne chance.
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A
female
reader, obsesdryoko +, writes (13 May 2009):
I think that the way she is carrying on with this man is very inappropriate for a married woman. I have only been married for one year, but I would not meet with a past love for even an instant, whether my husband was present or not. Nor would I think of asking my husband to lend money to any man I was previously involved with. I do realize that every marriage is different, and everyone has different boundaries. However, were my husband to act the way you are describing, I would pack up all my things and leave. I gave him the old baseball rule, "three strikes and you're out," and after the third incident I would be so fed up that I would be long gone. She obviously has not made any attempt to cut off contact with this man since he popped into the picture again, so I think you should have a serious talk about the trust you have for her and the boundaries that you share as a married couple. If she is not in the same frame of mind that you are in, you should think about taking a break.
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A
female
reader, twink_2 +, writes (12 May 2009):
 nope you are not over reacting. i think you should confront to your wife about how you exactly feel. that man is a home wrecker and so i would advice for you to keep him away from your family because he should not have said those things to your wife in the first place fully knowing that she is married. you should ask your wife to see it from your point of view. hope this helps.
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