A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about your opinions regarding ex's.My wife and I both agree that ex-bf's and ex-gf's should be forgotten after all it didn't work out, so it's not fair to the new person to have to deal with that old baggage.Here's where we differ. My wife was married before. Now, if there were children, then they would need to keep in contact, I get that, and would have known that prior to marrying her. My wife and her 'ex' were only married a very short time (a little less than 1 year). Another thing is he was her 'first' and only other than me. I've just discovered that he has been keeping in contact with my wife. We've been married almost 5 years now, and I say he is 'old past baggage' and he has absolutely no place in her or our lives. I told her to stop all contact with him and we will change our e-mails and phone#'s if needed. My wife disagrees and thinks that is fine if they just talk on the phone or exchange e-mails. I looked thru her cell phone, and there are some calls that are over 1/2 hour long! That isn't hey how are you doing, which I think even that is wrong, the guy is out of her life, so I say keep him completely our of ours.What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): My husband keeps in contact with his ex partners/ wife and I absolutely hate it. An ex is an ex for a reason and I have asked him numerous times to stop but he never does. I can only assume it is to flatter his ego or as a fall back if things go wrong. As the other posters say your wife thinks it is acceptable because she is the one who is doing it. If the shoe was on the other foot I don't think she would be so happy. I would play her at her own game and start talking to your old girlfriends or a woman at work - that will drive her nuts. I feel for you as I have lived with this behaviour for years ans it is so destroying to trust and all areas of life. Yep start chatting on about a woman at work all the time and she soon will come round to your way of thinking!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): There is no reason why partners should not be in touch with ex's if both parties agree with this arrangement. Some ex's become friends over time, though I do feel that it is a difficult balance for a couple to be able to deal with this kind of thing. If both feel fine then there really is no problem. The real issue is when one or both do not feel happy about the other seeing or being in contact with an ex - or a number of ex's. If there are children involved it is, of course, a different matter.
Then everything should be done to minimise the impact of seperation on the children. Not all adults are good at doing this as we know - and children suffer and take these experiences through in to adulthood.
If one of the partners has 'significant' ex's - without children then there may be a level of affection left even if the union failed. Maybe your wife still has feelings and maybe not. Maybe she can talk to him about things and maybe he is happily married and not in the least bit interested in persuing a relationship with her again. What matters is how this makes you feel. I don't think your wife has been honest about what she has been doing. I don't think she is honest about her true motives. Ask her, if you can, and have this conversation calmly, and be prepared to listen to what she has to say right to the end. You could be surprised. Maybe she supports him in some way emotionally. After all he is just another human being with failings and hopes and feelings.
Or maybe they are deluding themselves and not able to stop their contact. You have not mentioned if they have been seeing each other for coffee or meals etc. Ask her calmly. And ask why before you come to any decisions - and definately before you have an arguement or start laying down the law. Ask her why she needs this contact and why he does too.
They got married. It was a significant relationship. It didn't work and you are with her now. You got the girl. You have the girl. You are in the strong positon. It's worth trying to get to the real reason and not just the surface - 'she's still in touch'.
If an agreement has been made that ex's should be consigned to the past then that agreement should be honoured. If she has been keeping in contact for 5 years then she has broken the agreement and also a level of trust has been tested.
Also if a couple feel included and both parties make a consious effort to include the other each other on ex's and seeing them, and if the ex's are under no illusions about where curent priorities are then it should be ok and proove a strong relationship you have. If one or other of the couple insist on seeing ex's 'on the quiet' and maybe justify it to themselves as 'just friends' and 'no one else would understand' then they are playing a cruel and hypocritical game.
You deserve a response and clarity. A relationship is about sharing and transparancy because both parties want that - not because an agreement has been made. Changing emails or phone numbers or even your address will make no difference until a full and frank discussion has taken place.
Do you know him? Is he a nice guy? Does he consider you and value you? these things can make a difference if an ex is to be accepted.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Your wife thinks it's fine because she is the one that is doing it. There is no reason for her to be in touch with her ex. Ask her how she would feel if it was the other way round.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 July 2010):
Well, I happen to agree with you about ex's. But like Miamine says, actually our thoughts on this are irrelevant, because your wife already said that she thought ex's weren't supposed to be in the picture at all. Suddenly, after 5 years, you've found out that she's been secretly in contact, and some of those calls have been very long. The word 'hypocrite' comes to mind to describe your wife.
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A
female
reader, sara69 +, writes (8 July 2010):
Honestly i agree if there are no children involved there is no reason they should still be talking for half hour. really sit down and explain to her how it makes you feel when she talks to him. even try marraige counsoling. it might help you 2 sort it out
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 July 2010):
 What I think isn't important. You and your wife have an agreement, there should be no contact with ex partners. He's an ex partner, they are in contact, she is breaking the agreement you set up. If she can stay in contact with an ex partner, you should do the same. It's not fair that she's allowed to do something that is forbidden to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I agree with you, half hour phone calls are too much, the occasional "Hello, how are you?" seems fine to me, but to talk often seems wrong.
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