A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife began an affair beginning in May of 2006 with a co-worker. I found out about it a couple of weeks later and confronted her. She said that she would stop seeing the guy, yet within a few weeks apparently continued the affair. I confronted her a couple of other times in the ensuing months, but she kept denying the affair. This man is apparently her best friend, and they communicate in a way that we don't. He was able to get her to talk about a troubled past, and this has confused her tremendously. She is still suffering from his amateur psychological help, and is extremely confused about her life. In November she finally quit her job in an attempt to stop seeing him. Yet in January she discovered that she was one month pregnant with his child. He is married, and his wife is unable to have children. She knows about the affair and the baby. When he found out about the baby he begged her to get an abortion because he does not want children. Then, when she didn't, he said that he could walk away and never talk with us again since I was willing to raise his child. Now, he wants to be involved in his child's life yet begs my wife not to get court imposed child support from him. I am afraid that he merely wants to be involved with the child in order to keep seeing my wife. He seems to want to stay in his marriage, yet continue seeing my wife.Since their affair began, my wife has been unable to tell me that she loves me. She is still unable to do so, yet she claims that she cares deeply for me. I have two older children from a previous marriage that we helped raise, and we have one 8 year old together. I have been trying to save our marriage all of this time, not only for the children but because I still love my wife. In the last few months it appears as though the affair is over. He refuses to leave his wife because he says he does not want a second divorce, yet he claims to love my wife. It seems that everything he has done in the last 15 months is leading both marriages toward a divorce, and I don't understand his reluctance to leave a woman that he admittedly doesn't like. I am very confused about what to do. My family and children believe the that the baby is mine. I think that my wife does care for me, but she admits that she has very strong feelings for her lover. While I admit that every child should know their father, I am also convinced that in time they would continue their hidden relationship if they continue seeing each other. Any opinions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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abortion, affair, best friend, co-worker, divorce, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr.M +, writes (27 May 2010):
I'm really sorry to hear about you situation, though this was 3 or 4 years ago. May I ask how this all turned out and what advise you would give no?
Mr.M
A
male
reader, rwat +, writes (6 February 2009):
When I met my wife she was seperated from her ex with the divorce to be final the followwing January. She had two kids with him but we were happy in and out of the bedroom. On Valentines day I proposed and she accepted. She also asked if we could not have sex anymore until our wedding night She promised me the night of all nights and I agreed to her request. Our wedding went off as planned in June and the plan was for us to stay at a local motel that night and fly to the Bahamas the next morning. You can imagine my shock and anger as we went into the motel room that night and her ex was laying on the bed. ?My bride then explained to me that even though she loved me, I could not satisfy her in bed so she had been sleeping with him since they had seperated and would continue to sleep with him. He asked her if she had quit the pill like he told her to because he wanted to get her pregnant on her wedding night. the first two nights, we never made it to the Bahamas, I had to go to the lounge whenever they wanted sex. The third night they let me sllep on the rollaway while they continued to consumate my marraige. That was nine years ago and yes she did get pregnant that week. Shes has had three kids in that time all by him, even though everyone thinks they are mine. I have yet to sleep with her. If you truly want it everybody can be happy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): I think it's time you consulted a divorce lawyer.
She's got you willing to support her and their child, and she obviously doesn't care about you at all, otherwise she wouldn't put you through all this. You're being a mug and are being taken advantage of.
Don't be a mug any longer. Get the hell out of there and leave her to decide about whether to get a court to impose child support payments. If you don't support her - and I certainly wouldn't if I were you - the other guy will have to. I would tell her to go to hell and get the hell out of my life.
She's sown the wind - now she can reap the whirlwind.
Phil
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 What a truly awful situation to find yourself thrust into!
How can people be so damn nasty in this world?
So not only have you been hurt, his wife has been hurt & eventually 2 children too. What a sorry mess.
But what to do? Gosh, well, i will have a try to think what i would do, which is a hard thing to do. I mean i completely understand that you would be worried this guy will sneak in there again if he is in contact with this child, which of course he should have the option of. The child will be the most important person in all of this. Doesnt help you i know. But the child is as innocent as you.
If your wife was a bit more commited to you, then i'm sure the worry would still be there for you, only in a lesser degree.
I think this is how it boils down myself, from an outsiders point of view anyway, You need to decide if you want to take the risk of them starting up the affair again. If she has srtonger feelings for this guy than she does for you, the chances of that happening are greater.
Its a gamble for you either way because if you stay with her, you're leaving yourself open to being hurt, if you leave when shes said she wont pick up with this guy again because you just cant trust her, you will struggle with that too & hurt.
Both options are going to be extremely hard work, and i hope to god it works out ok for you & that baby in the long run. And not too many people get too badly hurt.
Best wishes to you from the Uk whatever you decide to do. And ultimately only you can make those decisions.
C xxxxxxxxxxx
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