A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have a question about weddings and what to do.My wife has this very good friend. After me, I guess you could say she was her 2nd best friend. She's getting married this summer. She asked my wife to be her matron of honor. My wife and I have been married almost 10 years. Have 2 children, and are planning a 3rd child. I know that has nothing to do with my question, but I just started typing, and...The issue is, my wife's friend's (and kind of my friend also) fiancee has picked his best friend to be his best man. My wife and I have hung around with her friend and her fiancee, but not when this best friend is around. I guess I should just say it. The fiancee's best friend is an ex-boyfriend of my wife. In fact, he was her 'first'. So we avoid contact with him. A little because of jealousy from me, and partly because my wife just thinks of him as a 'big jerk'.What do we do? If my wife is going to be the matron of honor, and her ex-boyfriend is going to be the best man, there is going to be a lot of contact between them. Rehearsal dinner (which I wouldn't be invited to), walking down the aisle together, sitting together at the wedding table, dancing together.I'm very uncomfortable with this, and my wife is even more uncomfortable with this. We both want to be there for our friend's wedding, but we also don't think that personal uncomfortableness to us would be fair.I think my wife should be the matron on honor. Not go to the rehearsal dinner, and sit with me at the reception instead of the wedding table. My wife is thinking of declining altogether, and just attend the wedding as guests.Who is right? Me or my wife?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Hi, this is the OP. Sorry so long to get back to everyone. But my wife did some talking and talked to the bride-to-be.
1st, thanks for all your answers. Some of you had good advice. Some Not so much. Our marriage is WAY more important than being there for friends. And if we want to put conditions on it, that is fine.
I told my wife I don't care about her being at the wedding with this ex, just the being apart parts. My wife called the bride-to-be and said she would be the Matron of Honor, but won't be attending the rehearsal dinner because we think it would be more appropriate for spouses of anyone in the wedding party to be invited and that she would be uncomfortable being there without me. Her friend (the bride) knows she dated this jerk, but doesn't know that they were intimate, so she probably doesn't know that it would make my wife uncomfortable.
The bride-to-be told my wife she totally intends on extending the invitation for the rehearsl dinner to spouses or partners if they are in a significant relationship. She also on her own asked my wife if they should reserve a seat at my table for her. I think this is great. My wife can sit at the bridal table for the toasts and speeches, then site with me for the party/dancing part of the reception. So, I talked my wife into doing this for her friend. I said you can just be civil and talk to your ex, just don't dance with him or give him a chance to talk about the past, and you won't even think about the fact you were with this jerk. Then we'll go home and laugh about him while we had a good time. Thanks everyone.
A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 Hi,
Regardless of whether is it right or wrong to cancel or attend, just remember that if you have an issue in your mind with the ex attending then that is how you are. You have a problem so the day will not be a good day for you. Even if it is deemed the "right" thing to do by going, you still are not happy with things. Therefore, the day will not be a fun day regardless of whatever way you think around it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): You're being a drama queen. If your wife is the matron of honor she should attend ALL the functions as a normal matron of honor should. It's unfair to the bride and bridegroom for someone to agree to be their matron of honor but then proceed to make up their own rules (or have the matron's spouse make up his own rules) and put a damper on the wedding.
your wife's ex is going to be in the wedding party too, big deal, so what? She doesn't have to like him (in fact she already doesn't) in order to do her matronly duties. You need to control your insecurity and realize it's not all about you.
If despite being married 10 years and having 2 kids you're so insecure about what could happen if your wife were to even be in the same room as her ex, then unfortunately your wife will just have to pull out of the wedding party altogether otherwise your childishness is going to ruin her friend's wedding day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): You and your wife are both making a big deal out of nothing. How old are you now?? you're not in high school anymore.
For goodness sakes it's someone's wedding, it's not going to be an ongoing obligation, can't you just suck it up, set aside your discomfort, and behave maturely. It's only for one day, two days max if you count the rehearsal dinner. Then you'll never have to see the wife's ex ever again for the rest of your lives. Is that too much to ask?
If it is, then the proper thing is for your wife to decline to be the Matron of honor.
But I really don't see why this is even an issue. It's only a big deal if you make it into one.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (23 March 2012):
The spouse of the maid of honor should certainly be invited to the rehearsal dinner.
This is 10 years in the past. Declining will make everyone think something is still there and make her friend (the bride) unhappy.
I don't get it. Go. Be happy together and show you're a united front.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): If he really maltreated her, which he probably did since she still thinks he is a jerk, then I totally get why she wouldn't want to interact with him. It is NOT your duty to fulfill everyone else's happiness and this is a friend, not a family member, friends come and go. If you're really happy you should be able to be happy at your wedding without anyone but you your groom and a couple of witnesses there, you don't NEED other people there supporting you to make you happy- and you shouldn't put them in uncomfortable situations to do that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 March 2012):
 This isn't an instance where the wife is going out with her ex behind your back. This is a wedding where she's not there for her ex, but rather is there for her friend -- the bride.
The fact that the ex was her "first" doesn't even factor. She's over him, and he's over her. Unless there was abuse or stalking behaviors by him, there is no wrongdoing, and you don't have any reason to be jealous.
If she chooses to be matron of honor, of COURSE she should go to all of the functions, including the rehearsal dinner, seat at the head table, and everything involved. You two have been married 10 years, so this guy should be beyond old news. This isn't an instance of infidelity or dishonor to your marriage, and if there were any occasion where your wife and her ex ever had contact, it would be with the other members of the wedding party and all of the guests, aka the ultimate chaperones.
The correct answer is neither yours or your wife's. If she is matron of honor, which I think she should be, it should be including everything. The rehearsal dinner, accepting the bride's seating arrangements, and any other customary duties (if there is a dance where the bridesmaids/grooms dance together, what on earth could happen??)
Unless this guy really mistreated her when he was with her as in abuse or stalking or anything of that nature, then there's no reason why participating publicly together should be a problem. There is no private contact. There is no chance of rekindling a relationship, and 10 years and 2 kids should be enough for you to not allow yourself even a millisecond of jealousy or insecurity.
As for your wife, she should focus on her friend who gave her the great honor of being matron of honor. She will risk offending her friend by declining for these reasons. This stuff happens. Her thinking the ex is a "big jerk" or your jealousy should be subordinate to doing everything you can to give your friends the best day of their lives. By this time, 10+ years ago, a marriage and 2 kids is enough time to get over it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Your wife is right. If she is going to be uncomfortable, there's no point in doing it. The bride wants happy people involved in her wedding, not people who can't do this, won't do that and look anxious and try to avoid someone else. The bridal group are like actors in a play, they smile, they look happy, they take part in everything.
Guests are different, like an audience they go and watch, they don't have to clap, they don't have to smile, they don't have to put in a performance. If guests get uncomfortable, they can always walk out... bridesmaids can't do that, without ruining the brides memory of her wedding for life.
Follow the wife's advice, make up some decent excuse and bow out of taking part.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): If the situation makes her and you that uncomfortable I would suggest she explain everything to her friend and that she not be the matron of honor. You and she can attend the wedding as guests and still show support for her friend that way. For me this would not be that big a deal, I would understand if a friend felt this way and I would never put them in that position without asking about it first as I'm sure her friend knows the history.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 I don't agree with your approach either. The wedding is not about you or your wife or even the ex boyfriend, but about the couple getting married. Surely you could both set aside your discomfort and allow a valued friend a few hours of your time and attention. You're all adults.Being a maid of honour does not mean your wife is obliged to spend the etire evening with the best man. I spent very little time with him when I was maid of honour.If you both feel so badly about this that you think it will interfere with her ability to be a maid of honour then your wife should politely, and discreetly bow out of the whole thing. Honestly this sounds more like teenagers going to a high school prom than adults attending a wedding. You could all have a really great time if you two would just lighten up and relax.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (23 March 2012):
The problem here is everything is "in your face." Unless you can try a different arrangement then I would just decline the invitation and not go. You may try to think about getting around it and being calm and not jealous. However, you cannot deny your own feelings or thoughts. You are uncomfortable with things and so is your wife. There will be loads of photo calls and videos as well to remember the day. Therefore, unless there is a different arrangement then cancel. That's what I would do!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Sorry, I don't agree with your approach. You wife is either in or out. Trying to be half there is not only unfair to the bride, but it raises public questions about why the matron of honour would behave that way. I assume you don't want to broadcast to the world that your wife regrets that her first time was with this big jerk.
If your wife feels that she cannot support the bride in the proper spirit of the occasion she should privately explain the situation and bow out gracefully.
If it's your jealousy getting in the way, that's another matter. First, it would be very rude for you to not be invited to the rehearsal dinner. Thereafter, the contact between your wife and the ex will be minimal -- perhaps one dance together, but that's really not obligatory -- you can arrange with the couple to ensure the MC not invite the matron of honour and the best man onto the dance floor.
Your wife chose to commit to you and to raise children with you. It's unreasonable for you to be jealous of an ex for whom she clearly no longer has feelings. Your role here is to support your wife wholeheartedly in whatever course she chooses.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Has your wife tried talking to the best friend about this (as in maybe she could be paired with someone else)? This isn't a trivial thing. I'd think your wife's friend would be willing to just switch things around a tiny bit in order to have her in the wedding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): To me, this is an easy, straight forward solution. You are Husband and Wife and these friends should understand the vows, listen to them and hear the LET NO ONE PULL ASUNDER regardless of outside influences, factors or other- YOUR MARRIAGE comes first.
So if you AND Wife are unhappy and loathe to fulfill this 'duty' remember that your duty and obligation and vows, commitments to one another MATTER MOST.
Tell Wife to decline and let Friends know. Perhaps your example will instill in them the high, honoured value of what Marriage truly means and to what degree.
Remain Happy,Put Your Marriage FIRST, Be at the Wedding for support.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Neither of you is right. this is about feelings...
has your wife talked to her girl friend who asked her to stand up for her as her HONOR attendent??? this is a big huge deal to be honest and I think that you and your wife should put aside your personal feelings to the best of your ability and work with her friend to make HER special day the best it can be. Part of that is having your BF as your matron of honor....
I think that she should go to the rehersal dinner (and if it was me I would ask if my spouse could attend as well)
as for the rest... that's for your wife and her BF to figure out the best way to handle it.
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